View Full Version : Removing my Ego and challenging myself
I would consider myself ok to look at. Nothing earth shattering but ok. I am turning 40 this week and I realized a lot of what I depend on for how I measure my value are my looks. This, for me, is my ego getting the best of me. Painted nails, long hair, certain clothes or colors on me, even the purse I carry or the sunglasses I wear, all driving my ego to think I am attractive or it has some weighted value. I have been really challenging myself to remove all of this outside "stuff" and focus on the inside and see what pours out. Come September, I am going no makeup, no nail polish, donating my long hair and keeping my wardrobe simple, with only allowing my wedding band and one necklace to wear.
I know this may seem strange to y'all but I have been hung up on my looks for a long time, a total distraction. Sounds silly but I am hoping this breaks that cycle and I can accept myself just as I am. I am just doing this for the month of September and October to see what shakes out.
Much like my home, I am letting go of what is expected or what I think makes me who I am and just letting go. The best feeling I can relate to this is when I was on vacation about 10 years ago. I was having a terrible time in my personal life and just packed a small bag and drove down to San Diego and wandered around for 3 weeks, no plans, no expectations. I was lucky I packed deodorant. :) It was the most freeing time of my life. My second day there, I got a haircut because I was so stinking tired of wrapping my hair up in a bun to put up while in uniform. I chopped it all and beside some lip balm, I wore nothing but fresh skin and a smile. I loved that feeling, wrapped in the warmth of spending days on the beach, long walks, iced coffees and flip flops. Yep- I think that is the most authentic I have ever been. So now to challenge myself again, this time while being a mom, wife, business owner, human, experience life to it's fullest and not worrying.
Anyone care to join me?
You are going all in - that's quite a challenge. For myself, I've never been a girly girl and my looks are average to nice looking depending on the day (and the lighting!)
But being over age 55 means you're pretty invisible in that respect anyway, so in this culture age by itself will take care of any obsession with looks because there isn't anyone looking back.
An interesting experiment - you'll have to let us know in Nov. how it all went.
GreenMama, I've been thinking about what you've said and there's much I agree with and at the same time, it's interesting because it makes me realize I haven't decided how to define the "simple life" when it comes to appearance.
I guess I can certainly say a simple life adherent wouldn't be interested in Botox or fillers. I definitely believe in the authenticity of growing older the way nature meant it to happen.
At the same time, I'm not sure I totally ascribe to "letting go" completely.. and that's not a criticism of you or your approach, it's how do we define "letting go" within the confines of our aesthetic sensibilities? On the one hand, I LOVE when I go to Vermont the women look SO DIFFERENT and SO MUCH BETTER than the women in my home state of New Jersey. I'll take the silver hair pulled back in a pony with no makeup, and glowing from fresh air any day over overdone, over preserved tacky 40 or 50 year olds toting big designer purses.
Then there's my Greataunt Florence, with whom I lived in the summers at her beach cottage. She was in her 70s when I just started my annual visits as a young child, and I was 20 when she died at age 92. During all those summers I spent with her, she always looked wonderful, with her floral a-line dresses, fully dressed with her silk slips and stockings, and always with earrings and lipstick. Once a week she went to the salon to get her hair put up and colored (OK, that was back when old ladies had purple hair, which there's no excuse for, but still).
Now, you are only 40!!! You are YOUNG. Wait til you're my age (62) and you'll look back on this and say, wow, and I thought I was getting older at 40???
I guess what I'm saying is, enjoy who you are, and if that means cutting your hair and abandoning makeup, go for it. But I can't join you, because if I cut my hair and abandon my makeup, people will think I'm Yoda reincarnated. At 62, a person needs a little material evidence that said person still believes life is fun. And it is all too easy to assume that an older person has no self-respect if simple maintenance is not attended to. When I was young, I never wore make-up and hid behind scruffy clothes. Now, I like myself as I never before did, and I want my exterior to reflect that.
Just my POV.
Go for it! I think you will find it very freeing. And I agree... 40 isn't old (I was there a few years ago... it's just a number). I truly think you're only as old as you feel, and I stay active so that I feel active.
I quit wearing makeup and fussing with my curly hair in college... and once I quit wearing even the small amount of makeup I wore before then, I had no desire to go back. I like always looking like myself, even right after I wake up in the morning. I dress for simplicity and comfort... when I do have to dress up for something, I am always so happy to go home and put on my usual standards. I have never, ever worn heels for any occasion, no matter how fancy. I can't do short hair due to the curls, but my hair is as natural and unfussy as it can be.
I totally understand!!!
I live near Austin and I love the natural toned bodies of the yoga/animal/vegetarian loving look. I see them with quick cute haircuts and a little lip balm with a hint of tan. They are polished, but in a laid back way.
I will still do my oils and scrubs for my body and I really want to see what changing my diet is going to do. I feel like this is a natural next step in my life. I don't feel old, I don't act old BELIEVE ME I am the biggest goof in the room but I do put a lot of emphasis on my appearance that drives me nuts. I think I need to strip it back to find the balance.
You will find what works for you as you explore a variety of options. I cannot remember when I stopped wearing lipstick. Now my routine is simply a gentle cleanser and moisturizer at bedtime, sunblock, concealer under my eyes and a light foundation to tone down the redness with lip balm in the morning. I feel confident and presentable. Pixie cut hairdo that is washed every other day with gel to manage the fine straight hair. This works for me and your new routine will work once you tweak it to suit.
As far as clothes - I visited a friend's house to drop off some printed material that he needed and his wife came to the door. She was simply but elegantly attired. I decided then and there that I wanted that look. We have since become great friends and she laughed when I told her how her appearance changed my life. I do need to get some new washable knit tops which I will do this week. My old ones have gone out of shape and I don't have that same sense of poise and confidence wearing them. Two jeans, one dress slacks, two capris, a denim skit and two shorts with a variety of tops that work with all the bottoms. All washable and easy to maintain. BTW, I used to be in uniform as a dental hygienist for over 30 years so understand your reference to uniforms.
As someone who has lived in Austin for decades now, these two quotes made me laugh; since so many have moved here, I have fun trying to apply stereotypes and figure out where they are from:
California ?
natural toned bodies of the yoga/animal/vegetarian loving look
New Jersey ?
over preserved tacky 40 or 50 year olds toting big designer purses.
Staring at 60 soon, my aim is to look and feel healthy. For me, I grew my layered hair out except for some light bangs and now wear very little makeup. No more toenail polish - what a hassle that was and most likely toxic. Never have worn nail polish. It can be very sobering to get to this age and realize how superficial our culture is about a woman's appearance. Especially if one has always been told they are pretty, attractive, etc. I think 40 is a good age to start cultivating new interests and other things besides obsessing over looks. I finally realize that all those things that "old people" used to complain about really do happen to all of us eventually if we live ong enough so it is wise to tweak one's attitude early on.
awakenedsoul
8-26-14, 10:50am
Fun thread. I guess everyone is in a different place. If wearing no make-up is freeing for you Green Mama, go for it! I've started doing that in the a.m. when I go to the gym. I still brush my hair back into a neat ponytail, though, and wear a light lipstick. I feel better when my clothes are flattering and clean. Yesterday I took three buses and the train to my vocal coaching session in Hollywood. I threw on what are really just gardening clothes. I had to load my bike into the luggage compartment of the bus. (which meant climbing inside of it at one point.) I usually look my best. Yesterday I felt totally different, kind of embarrassed and awkward. My nail polish was chipped, I had put off washing my hair, and I had on old jeans and a tye dyed t shirt. Once I got to my destination, I noticed that I had spilled bbq sauce on my jeans. I cleaned it off, but I saw that during my lesson, my coach's eye went right to the wet spot on the inner thigh. (I immediately explained, so that she didn't think I'd had an accident.) Next time I'm going to wear nicer clothes, some jewelry, and look my best. In fact, today I'm going to henna my hair. It just makes me feel better. But, I get what you're saying. I think it's important not to rely on the exterior. I "go naked" (no make-up,) at the pool.
I'm 56, and I stopped wearing makeup about five years ago. I work at home, and did until that point wear makeup when I went to visit clients. (I'm a consultant.) Eventually I just forgot. I looked at myself in the mirror after I left a meeting and thought, "Oh. No lipstick." But honestly, I didn't notice a heck of a lot of difference. (Make of that what you will -- it may be that I wasn't very good at makeup, but apparently no miraculous improvement was noticeable when I applied it :~))
A couple of years after that, I got my hair dreadlocked and have kept it that way. I used to henna it and use veggie-based dyes and pretty much stopped doing that when I put the dreads in. I might do it again at some point just for a change.
I do dress professionally for work -- mostly dresses or skirt/top and jacket, sometimes paints, usually low-heeled shoes. Since I seem mostly to wear dresses and leggings at home, this isn't a vastly different look.
Enjoy your experiment, GreenMama! If you are a klutz like me you will find some things you definitely like -- no more liquid foundation blobbed onto shirts during the application process, for example, and no more -- ouch! -- mascara wands in the eye...
I guess what I'm saying is, enjoy who you are
This! You should do what makes you feel good about yourself and not feel pressured by society (or ego) to do things you dislike just to please other's . If you really enjoy wearing make up, dressing up, having long hair, etc... and like how it makes you feel about yourself, then you shouldn't feel the need to go without. If you hate it and want to go without but feel you'll be less attractive or less desirable to others, then I say don't worry about all that, do what you want and go without all that stuff anyways. I think you'll find, eventually, you'll enjoy it greatly and will learn to love yourself as yourself rather than some media construct of beauty. It can be very empowering to follow your own path in life rather then cave into societal expectations and beauty standards.
As for myself I do both. Most days I go with out make up or jewelry with my long hair in a a pony tail or braid (I like long hair because to me it is MUCH easier to deal with then short hair - which I find way to much of a hassle), and I keep my nails short and unpainted. My "beauty routine" when I wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth and put on sunscreen. Been doing this all my life and never really wore make up most of the time (and like you, work clothes were a uniform). However, when I have a date or go out to something special with friends, I do like to glam it up a bit and will wear make up, jewelry, do my hair a bit, etc... It seems special and makes me feel special for that occasion. It's not something I'd do daily or even weekly, but do enjoy it occasionally.
I've been letting my colored hair grow out...it's all my own now and has gray, brown and blonde in it. I am still not sure if I will color it again. I've never worn makeup- except when a teen. I will do my toe nails, but I lately find the feel of nail polish odd. So I wear it a few weeks, then take it off. Retired now I am not dressed up much at all. I do wear perfume every day. I love it and it makes me feel good. Sunscreen, too...more a chore. It's a lot easier when you are not in the public eye all the time to be more yourself.Sandals all year, flat- yes, even with socks!
At 65 I do think few people even notice. good luck with the experiment. I hope you find what makes you very comfortable.
Happy Birthday Greenmama. I love your challenge and reading everyone's responses. It is very timely for me, I am currently trying to ready my wardrobe for spring so these ideas about keeping it simple are very helpful. I'm also considering trying Project 333 (choosing 33 items for to wear for the next 3 months).
As for the hair and makeup, my hair is long and natural and I agree with Spartana that keeping it this way is much much simpler (and cheaper) than going for cuts and colours every few weeks.
I have never worn makeup daily, only on special occasions, and funnily enough I was starting to think that now I'm 50 perhaps I should make a bit more effort with my appearance and do it a bit more often, so the answers on here are making me "think I better think it out again".
New Jersey ?
over preserved tacky 40 or 50 year olds toting big designer purses.
Bingo!
I do have a lot of women friends who are not tacky, but overall, here in NJ, "if you gild it, they will come."
Bingo!
I do have a lot of women friends who are not tacky, but overall, here in NJ, "if you gild it, they will come."
I have noticed this when I caught the show "Long Island Medium" - so many of her clients are East Coast women with over the top hair, nails, jewelry, clothing, etc. I'm agog at how much that must cost just to purchase and maintain - do people really have that much spendable income?
Bingo!
I do have a lot of women friends who are not tacky, but overall, here in NJ, "if you gild it, they will come."
I live in southeastern PA at the border of Amish country and the Philadelphia suburbs. There's an odd mix of "if you gild it, they will come" and the "all natural" look here. I have found that many of the women who ascribe to the former look hail from NY, NJ, Philadelphia and farther locales, such as CA, FL and TX, for what it's worth.
When I stopped working in 2009, my wardrobe and overall appearance went through a process of simplification. I still have a closet full of expensive, professional clothes, but these days, I live in shorts, t-shirts, sandals (year-round), sweats, yoga pants and sweaters. I add thick, warm socks, the occasional turtle neck and jackets/coats, scarves and gloves in the winter. I use moisturizer and occasionally use sunscreen and lip balm. I keep my hair and beard very short (buzz cut) and cut them myself approximately every two weeks. I shave my neck and do any necessary beard maintenance daily.
As a male, you might say my attire and overall look is rather androgynous. In many ways, I suppose I am somewhat androgynous, so it fits me.
This sounds like a great personal challenge green mama, a great way of shaping/changing the way you see yourself, best of luck with it and i look forward to reading how you get on!
I'm a bit late to this post, but see a lot of me in what you're saying. Since I've been taking better care of my skin, it seems I need less makeup. About once a year I go through a phase where I stop wearing eye makeup, which is all I really use now (except colored lip balm). It feels refreshing, and I find that I smile more.
I'm 48 (but everyone says I look much younger) and finally feel comfortable with my looks...I'm attractive when I make an effort. And comfortable with my friendliness and personality, which can make you more attractive than looks So, most days I'm out in the world, with lipcolor and sometimes mascara....and the world doesn't stop turning. Dressed in classic, preppy clothes with my pixie haircut, I look a bit androgynous, and it's OK.
So greenmama, after you take everything away, feel free to add a thing or two back. Let your personality shine through your bare face (which feels great in the open air) and wear a smile. Giving it up is tough, but I'll bet a lot of other women will be secretly jealous.
Hey I am 48 next month. i am switching the other way. I was always a punk kid then a hippy momma, now I am trying to look 'professional' and having fun with it. My big hold out is growing out my gray hair. It is about 70% white and I get so many compliments on it.
Have fun with relaxing, definitely take advantage of this and get some birkenstocks.
I can chime in on where I am on this journey-
MY hair is all mine, natural silver highlights and all. I did a very short inverted bob-ish cut and I am liking it. I still think I can look professional for the small jobs I am taking on the side while I go to school yet can totally casual any other day.
Clothing- I am wearing 2 long maxi dresses, sandals, 1 pair jeans, 1 pair of shorts, 4 shirts, my workout gear and for meetings and work- 3 sheath dresses with flats. I have added my 1 bracelet, still have my wedding ring, 2 necklaces and my studs for earrings. I also added 1 fleece for when it get cool.
Makeup- Only for meeting and I keep it to mascara, pinkish light eye shadow and some lip tint.
It has been so nice, quick to get ready in the mornings, I have donated so many items out of my bathroom and wardrobe. I did receive a compliment at a meeting the other day that I look hip, pull together but relaxed. I was so happy to hear this compliment because that is what I want to feel and live. :)
I'm 47. The blonde is still my own but there is a lot of "translucent hair mixed in" (our code word for silver). Hair has never taken long for me because I have loose curls naturally. I maybe use a curling iron on 6 little pieces on the top layer. Lately I've felt the need to learn a little more about make-up so have hit a lot of youtube videos. About 3 years ago I noticed the deep grove wrinkles in my forehead and started using a plumping moisturizer/wrinkle filler - made an incredible difference. I just added foundation primer with highlights and have learned a few new eyelid/eyebrow tricks. Gave up drinking with a straw (causes more lip wrinkles and our lips start thinning more in the late 40's anyway). Currently I'm watching fall layering fashion videos to get more wear out of my wardrobe. I don't consider it an ego issue...just taking care of what I have and trying to concentrate on the good points. Makes me happier inside when the outside is taken care of.
and no more -- ouch! -- mascara wands in the eye...
This made me laugh. For the last 3 weeks about once a week I get a sneezing fit right in the middle of applying mascara. Has created some interesting lash marks around my eyes! :0!
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