View Full Version : Friends on the verge of divorce
And not just any friends... my DH & I introduced them, and they were our kid's mentors. They've been together 13 years, married 10 years. We had dinner tonight with one half of the couple, and it's clear to me that this half has moved on, though wasn't quite able to say that yet.
They've been struggling for 5 years, mostly silently, while they've suffered the loss of 4 immediate family members, as well as infertility. We knew about the details of the family deaths, and some about the infertility, though not the depth of the loss it's been. One of the couple fell in love with someone else and has been carrying a torch, essentially an emotional affair, for much of this 5 years of turmoil. This we did not know, but I suspected it.
We're both being totally supportive of them each, and I've fielded many frantic phone calls since the one not in love outside the marriage sent out an email plea for help two weeks ago. We've had each over individually to offer our love and support, though I am convinced that it's too late for them.
I am deeply sad about this. As a couple, they have been members of our extended family, and backed us with our step-kids when things were really, really hard. I'm quite upset that they did not turn to us for support when the affair began - there was so much secrecy, even when the third parties' marriage ended due to this emotional attachment. It was obvious that something was happening, and when I checked in, there was denial and secrecy.
I've been in one corner of an affair triangle, and it is horrific. My husband has too - we both understand how destructive it is - we're both on our second marriage. Sadly, our friend who is in love outside the marriage denies it's an affair, largely because there's been no sexual contact. It will be some months before the final separation, as I see it. They will each survive, and it's likely that the affair will consummate. I'm just so, so sad about it all.
At the moment, I cannot imagine our lives without them as a couple. Our adult kids will be very impacted by this as well... we worked very hard developing a circle of friends who are in good marriages, providing solid examples for our kids, and counted on this one especially, to show our kids that people can stay together and work it out. (My step-kids mom left their father in an affair, and has been in 4 relationships - two of them abusive - and had 2 divorces in the 15 years I've known them. They are damaged because of her dreadful, selfish, abusive choices.) I think a part of me is really angry at our friends, too, for letting their marriage slip away.
Thanks for 'listening'. I can't really say this out loud to anyone, as we're all in the same circle... and I needed to just get it out. It's tragic, and I am really pretty devastated...
Redfox, this is very painful to see happen especially since you can relate to their experience. One can only love and support them both as they go through this separation.
Maybe you could encourage them as one last act as a couple to go into therapy together to end their marriage with the emotional & psychological support of a therapist. They would also be seen individually to work on personal issues. I think this is a kinder and gentler way to go for them and their friends. We also had friends split up badly and I realize that the one not in a love relationship outside the marriage was devastated. As it happens the one who was married his "love" and less than 6 months later it ended very, very badly (I'm sorry but I have to say it-karma's a b____ch!) and is now in therapy, finally.
It's sad, but tragic? I think that's an overstatement. People get divorced because they aren't happy together. Perhaps the members of this couple will move on and be happy in future relationships. Better than suffering in an unhappy one. I get that it impacts you and your family, but I never get people on the outside looking in to another couple's marriage and judging or saying how "tragic" it is that they've split up. You don't live in that household day-to-day. You have no real idea of what it's like to do so.
Please don't encourage them to go to therapy together - they've been having serious problems for five years, from what it sounds. That's half of their marriage.
People split up. People have affairs. It's easy to sit in judgment on someone else's relationship but I'm not sure what it does other than cause more pain for the couple involved.
As for the example set for your kids - maybe your kids won't want to pursue a monogamous relationship. Maybe they don't want to reproduce. Maybe they want to stay single, or follow another model. I don't see how if they see your friends divorcing they are going to be scarred for life and have 5 unhappy marriages or something similar.
I'm so sorry your friends are on the verge of splitting up, Redfox. It's difficult to be in the middle of it, esp when you are emotionally connected to each of them and to them as a couple.
I'm not sure how therapy is a bad thing here, CatsNK. A good therapist is not going to encourage them to stay together no matter what, but rather to help them deal with the process of either staying together and changing as a couple or splitting up and how to best do that. Notice I said "good" therapist, as I'm sure there are some bad ones out there whose mission is to guilt couples into staying together no matter what.
It's sad, but tragic? I think that's an overstatement.
Well, it's feels like a big deal at the tragedy level for the OP as this couple is very plugged into her social fabric. With the background of affairs amoung all, it makes the break messier and multi-layered since that is reflecting back on the bad times of OP's own experiences. And then there's the upcoming stuff--in these situations you always have to pick a side, and even though you (the general you) may not intend to do it, the practicality of managing an ongoing relationship with either of this couple demands it. She's just venting, as she says. Bad stuff and more coming.
Perhaps it is a blessing that children weren't brought into this union.
(((redfox))). I'm sorry. It is always so hard to watch the marriages of loved ones come to an end.
Two couples that we know, long-time friends, got divorced in the past two years after 15-20 years of marriage each. It was shocking and very sad to us - however, when I expressed sympathy to them, their attitude was that it was good for them. They seem to be happy now. In retrospect, they probably are luckier than many divorced people, because their splits seemed to be relatively amicable.
domestic goddess
3-24-11, 11:13am
Redfox, I'm sorry. It is never easy, but it is never too late to offer love and support. I'm sure they both need it, as I bet they both realize what a challenge it will be to maintain long-term social relationships, or have to give some of them up. By offering love and support, you are not encouraging them to stay together, but just being there for them both. That in itself will be challenging, but it is certainly a credit to you if you can do it.
I understand your wanting to set the example of strong marriages for your children, but the fact is that at least half of all marriages end in divorce. Don't let this pass unused as a teaching moment. Not every marriage is right for both parties. Sometimes people just grow apart, or maybe the sadness from the deaths and the infertility just took its toll. Your friends will receive enough condemnation from the rest of the world, and probably from their own families, so please just give your love and support. Life is hard, and especially marriage. I commend you for not wanting to make it worse.
I think it is so hard not to take sides. We have friends, married for 40 years, split up last year. I find myself sympathizing with the one who didn't move on right away to another relationship. I am friendly with them both, but I know were my feelings lie. It all seems so sad at the time, and then one day it is all done and accepted.
But not just the couple needs time for adjustment, friends and family do too.
Thanks, all. They are in marriage counseling and individual therapy. I think it's tragic because affairs are preventable, and an indication of problems that are not being surfaced, and overtake a marriage. They had a thriving, highly communicative relationship at one time, and the toll of all the losses wore them both down. They lost their relational compass. They are both very sad and scared about it all, and yet one of them remains attached to the third party. This is a choice, and I really hope the choice is made to turn towards the marriage and rebuild it, though I sense the decision is to turn away. No matter what they choose, I love them both and my husband & I have expressed our unconditional support for each of them.
I understand this very well because I had an affair during my first marriage, and it ended that marriage. I know now what the architecture of that relationship was, why it ended so badly, what I was acting out on, and what I could have done to prevent it - I was very young. Had we had access to help, it would have been different, and I believe we'd still be married, and our now adult daughter would have been better off. I also know the impact on my husband when his ex-wife had an affair, classically, with a good friend - as is the case with my two friends here - and how it impacted him. Affairs are intensely damaging and completely preventable. They are also recoverable. I am glad my friends don't have children to add to this, as I also have first hand witness to the pain that divorce causes children.
At some point, if & when they ask for the feedback, I will share the impact this is having on me and the rest of our very tightly knit social group. It's sending shock waves through us all, and our monthly dinner gatherings have been rather subdued, almost somber, as we absorb the pending loss of this couple. I'm also really sad that they did not reach out for help before it got to the moment of one leaving. I feel like our long time friendship has been damaged, and the dishonesty, secrecy & lying for the last five years has me shaken. I now understand why they dropped the ball with our daughter when she was a senior in high school, and they basically dropped out of the mentoring role with no explanation. It was a time when our family really needed them, and they were simply not there. It mystified me, and I could tell something was up, but kept being met with vague comments. I wish I'd sat them both down and been more direct. Their actions impact the larger community as well as their own lives, which I don't think they realize yet.
Thanks for the "ear".
rodeosweetheart
3-24-11, 10:37pm
I hear your pain, but really, I think a couple's relationship is private, and I don't see that they owe anyone explanations of where they are in that relationship. Do you think that some of your pain might be caused by the way their actions are leading you to reflect on some painful past events in your own life? I do not agree that affairs are "completely preventable" or tragic, although they are certainly painful and sad. Do you think you might have some forgiveness work to do, perhaps starting with forgiving yourself? I just cannot see why they have any moral obligation to stay together for you or for your children. Yes, it's sad, but they will both probably end up happier some day, and they both probably need your friendship, if you can see your way to forgiving them, or deciding that they have not harmed you and do not need forgiveness? Anyway, I wish you some peace and distance as you work your way through what is obviously very painful to you right now!
bagelgirl
3-24-11, 11:04pm
I don't want to be rude, but I have to be honest that it seems a lot of your pain seems to be that they will not be there any longer for your children as mentors. They will both probably move on to some extent and not be such a part of your "tightknit" social fabric.
Unhappily life continually changes and loss is a huge part of it.
Thanks for the reflections. My affair was 25 years ago, and I've long since made peace with it - and with my ex, as we're now friends, as well as grandparents of the same 4 year old - which goes a long way towards healing old wounds. Frankly, a big chunk of my sadness is the recognition of what my friends are in, and how avoidable the pain of betrayal is. I know well what it feels like to break a core promise one makes to someone they love, and it feels awful. There are so many other ways to shift the direction of one's marriage besides this path.
I certainly don't believe my friends have a "moral obligation to stay together for you or for your children." I do think their choices have impacts beyond their immediate lives, and that they aren't aware of this, and that there are moral obligations to one's community. Our community is small and very connected, and when tragedy hits one of us, it affects us all. Our kids are now young adults, one in college, one about to start college, and they've known this couple since they can remember. This couple were our back-up parents, and helped make our child rearing sane. They're really like siblings to us. In our community, some of the folks grew up together, some raised kids together, and many of us have lived together.
I just cannot believe the secrecy and lying by omission that occurred. When my husband & I got married, we explicitly asked our community to marry us as a collective. We've turned to this couple first as our support in hard times. When they stood up to be married, we were all there to support them, and for many years, they also turned to us and others for relationship support. That stopped when the emotional affair started, and as the one who is turning away from the marriage told me last night, nothing has been said because "everyone would think I'm having an affair". I think there is tacit recognition that this is so, and shame about it all... which is appropriate.
This is a really good teachable moment for us with our kids. And in a few years, when all is said and done, no matter what the status of this couple then, I will still be friends with each of them.
I shared this line of commentary with my husband, and he was touched and amazed at the comments, how open everyone is, and how giving of themselves. I thank you all for this.
I think these situations can be a bit unnerving for friends because they highlight the vulnerability of marriages, even good ones. I honestly feel that some people think "if it happened to them, it can happen to us: and get scared. I think this is fairly normal and natural, perhaps not for everyone, but for some folk.
I agree that peoples relationships are personal and private, but when you know them well, how can we not be affected?
I once heard a line, Change happens, it's how we deal with change that's important.
rodeosweetheart
3-25-11, 10:38am
I think I am getting a better idea of where you are coming from--in your eyes, marriage is a community obligation, and so the "emotional affair" as you call it, seems a betrayal of the community, and of your friendship. At least that is how I am hearing you.
That is a very interesting viewpoint, and not one that i share. It's intriguing that so many in your community share that definition. I could see some real pluses and minuses in living in community in that way. I guess you have options--keep to that understanding and feel betrayed by this person (and maybe the spouse, since the spouse did not clue you in on the betrayal?) and feel a wrong has been done to you and to your children, or look at the situation differently and be at peace with the changes that are going on.
Obviously, there is no right or wrong here, just a difference in how one chooses to interpret the shifting reality around one. Personally, I have enough woes without taking on the pain of others. In time it all sorts out, so I try to spare myself unnecessary pain by detaching from the hurts that others may inadvertantly cause me by their actions--especially when, as in this case, they probably are so absorped intheir own emotional survival that they do not have the energy to worry about others' opinions of them. As they say in AlAnon, someone else's opinion of me is none of my business. But hey, I am coming from a long history of co-dependent relationships, so anything I say is probably influenced by my desire to see the world diffedrently and stop being hurt by things that are really out of my control and none of my business.
Anyway, I am really sorry that you are suffering, and hope there can be some peace for you about this situation!
Just a thought.... is the closeness of the community relationship the reason that this couple felt they could not share the painful split developing between them? It was enough trying to cope with each other's pain about so many already stressful issues but to take and share with others was just too much more. It might have felt like failing not only each other but a whole group as well.
Friendship is a load that we choose to carry but sometimes it becomes so heavy when we are overwhelmed ourselves.
Also, just as in alcohol addiction, denial of the problem is a coping mechanism by family members who enable the problem to continue.
Hope that all these ideas help you find some sense in what has happened with your friends' relationship to the group.
As I think about it, I am not sure that I would want that degree of closeness with more than one or two couples which we have had a few times in our lives. I find that even one or two girl friends in deep emotional need is more than I can handle at times.
Tonight one of my dear friends is staying with us, as this couple negotiates their marriage and takes separate space from each other... it's just so hard. One of them is clinically depressed, really grievously ill, which has helped me understand how all this could unravel.
They both are working hard to understand their own needs and contribution to the mess they are in... and deal with the depression. This is suicidal level depression, and it's the person in the affair who is seriously ill. Please keep each of them in your hearts... thanks.
(((redfox))) and (((redfox's friends)))
I hope in time they are able to heal themselves and their marriage.
Hugs to you, redfox. And a story, for what it's worth: In my last relationship, which lasted many years, I was the victim of infidelity. I was utterly, completely devastated, and wasn't sure I wanted to continue on in life.
But therapy wasn't the answer for us. The infidelity was a symptom of something that was irreparably out of whack, a basic clash of values. We simply didn't belong together, no matter what anyone else had to say about it, and no matter what well-intentioned friends on the outside speculated.
Now, I am married to the person I was supposed to be with, and am beyond ecstatic with how my life turned out. But until I had the courage to leave a relationship that was simply a terrible fit, I would never have found him. The 'tragedy' was really a blessing, just a very hard lesson along the way that made me stronger, more compassionate, and more resilient.
I am hoping that, whatever happens, both of your friends are able to work through their sickness and find true joy in their lives, and go on to see each other with a new regard. I am so glad you're there to support them on their journey. Take tender care of yourself that you don't allow yourself to become unwell, as caregivers often do.
((redfox))
oh, pug, that's the kindest post ever. thank you.
Well, today my friends are officially separating... the person having the emotional affair has told the other that it may be temporary, it may be permanent... so it's here. I'm now wrapping my mind around how I'll remain civil if the new lover is brought to social events... well, everything is temporary, isn't it? I am so glad - in this moment - for my stable, happy marriage... and am vowing to appreciate my spouse much more explicitly.
Hugs, (((redfox)))
What a hard situation all around. Maybe it's not time to think about the new lover yet? (what do they call that? "awfulizing" I think?) Seems like staying in the now, rooted on the earth in your firm, loving, compassionate feet, will help keep you the friend you most want to be. Hoping for the best for both of them.
Pug, as always, beautifully said. Thank you so much.
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