View Full Version : Grieving over teens who have retreated into their own world
I would have expected several threads by now in this particular forum, always so active on the old boards. I have to admit it: the "How close are you to your family" (or some such wording) thread is depressing to me; the people who have big, wonderful, close, fun-loving families seem like miracle people who are living the life I always imagined I would (but I'm not); and the people with the disfunctional families don't seem to mind much--for the most part, that is. Some do mind, of course; some do grieve over what might have been. I'm one of those.
My question is this: How many of you are out there just sort of paralyzed by your teens' disinterest: your formerly cute, fun, sweet little children's total lack of interest in your family now? I have one teen who has entirely retreated into teendom, and one who is still pretty sociable--when he's around, which is rarely. I love my three sons; but I miss my oldest so much! It makes me cry, I miss him so much--and he's sitting in his room right now. I can't force him to talk to me; I can't force him to WANT to tell me what he and his friends actually did last night. I don't want to nag. He makes sure he does nothing objectionable; his grades are high as always, and he is very helpful around the house--but this stone-faced expression on his face! I can't bear it!
DH tells me we'll just wait, and one day he'll be back. This is what happened with DSD. She was pretty distant all through high school; then she was her sweet self again in her 20's, and is now 30. But my oldest is 17!
What do YOU do? How do you handle uncommunicative teens?
I've found that the phrase "just show up" works. Be there and eventually when he is ready he will talk to you. I have gotten the silent treatment for literally weeks on end at times, but when a big decision regarding education or whatever comes up he would turn to me.
AmeliaJane
1-2-11, 10:03am
These situations are so hard, because it feels like the way it is now is the way it is going to be forever...but the truth is that things do change, and ESPECIALLY when teenagers are involved. In two or three years, I suspect it will be very different based on the strong foundation you describe from his younger years. Teenagers are supposed to be going through the process of separating from their parents (trust me, unless you want him in your basement forever, this is important) and this is how he is doing it--and compared to a lot of the self-destructive behaviors other teens choose, it sounds like he has picked a relatively healthy way of going about it, although hard on Mom. When he was tiny and doing annoying toddler things, I'm sure you were able to see it as a stage of his development, so maybe looking at it that way now, instead of a reflection of his love for you, will help. He just doesn't have the perspective to see what you do...that this is the last few years to be at home with his family, and he is missing out on time that he will never get back. So this is also good practice for the patience you will have to have as the parents of adult children watching them make decisions that you disagree with :). And yes, definitely make sure that you are available and that you don't let this situation create more barriers...so when if he does need or want to talk, he feels he can.
Good luck with it all...
Teens are like cats... You have to wait until they come to you. :laff:
Thanks all, and Amelia Jane, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Yes, this is the way he is detaching from us; it's just that it hurts. I've heard it said that the closer you are to your small child, up until 12 or so, the more distant said child will become while trying to detach. I think this is a huge generalization; but it has been true for ds1. I think it is more a question of his personality than of how close we were, as ds2 was always easy-going, and ds1 was always intense and prone to fits of nerves.
He does show up when we tell him to. He's just not very friendly. And, like a cat, he does come to us when he need us to help him with college applications, getting out of a scrape, and so forth. I hope he is OK in life. I want him to be happy.
He will be fine. Really. And I say this as a mother of three boys, 23, 20, and 17. There comes a point when your work is done. And a lot of the hands-on parenting is done by 17. It's a huge act of faith but emotionally releasing yourself from feeling responsible for their happiness will help move their individuation along.
I needed a huge amount of space when I was a teen. Unfortunately, my mother's well intentioned but overwhelming mothering made me want to withdraw. The times I was coaxed forward was when she was not being my mother - when she was talking about work or one of her interests or really anything other than me.
It's hard, isn't it.
May I suggest that he is detaching because you have not started doing so? I gave my kids financial management control of their expenses; they made their own hair, eye, health and dental appointments based on the transportation that was available to them.
What have you given him control over that you used to do for him? Detaching goes both ways, I have found. The hard part is finding the right amount at the right stage for each person.
If your intents are good, you will find the right path.
I put my parents through an awful lot as a teenager, and I know there were times when my mom probably said/felt exactly what you report above. But once I had worked my way through all that teenage angst and separation stuff, my mom and I were able to develop a really great adult relationship. I agree with the comment that the foundations you laid with your kids when they were young will likely make for a strong relationship with them as adults. Sorry you are going through such a rough time now, but don't despair -- I think you have a lot to look forward to in your relationships with your kids.
lhamo
What you're going through is normal; the same thing happened with our boys. The good news is the best is yet to come--you'll love having adult children--they're the best!
Ke3, I stumbled upon a fun shared activity that my DSS and I could do side-by-side, and that is baking. He's especially fond of scones, so now I can always tempt him to help me make scones when he's visiting (he moved out last month).
Once we start working, I just let the convo flow. Or not - depending upon his interest in it. Would your guy emerge to help you make a big ol' batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Having been one of these sorts of teens, I would like to reassure you that it will get better once they have become more comfortable with themselves :)
Thank you for this thread....our family is generally close, but we do have one child who is working through things and seems to find me at best boring and at worst annoying. It's very painful. When she's 'on' she is bright and funny and wonderful, but when she's 'off', look out! She can be very harsh and sarcastic, or completely disinterested in anything that's going on, family-wise.
I'm one of those people who reported a very close family... and still my father claims that all three of us girls were completely untolerable from age 16 and only became human again around in our early twenties. Honestly for me, the relationship started to improve when I moved out because I didn't feel "controlled". And I am not at all saying that parental control is a bad thing... it kept me from making any number of unrecoverable mistakes.
It's obvious you care a great deal about your sons, and that will go a long way towards maintaining close relationships in the future years. It will get better.
Thanks for all your thoughts, everyone. razz, I have been pretty careful to let him go as he showed signs of needing space and responsibility--which was around age 13. ds2 needed to detach even sooner, but he remained friendly and communicative, even as he merrily led his own life.
Thinking ahead, I'm now already starting to worry about my 7 yr old's teen years. He is intense, obsessive, demanding...just like ds1 was. :0 Well, I'd better cross that bridge later. Today is hard enough!
I was that teenager I came to after I moved out Things do work out
A lot of people hear the phrase "Fathers date your daughters" but to be honest, I think Moms need to date their sons as well. Once a month, my son (17 yr old senior) and I have a "date". Sometimes it's a major deal (like going to a minor league ball game) and others it's simply having breakfast at IHOP. These are planned activities where it's just he and I spending time together and during those times we talk. We talk about his dreams for the future as well as my own (I don't probe about personal stuff but ask more general questions.. such as "how is the school application process going?" or "Is Matt (his Best friend) enjoying his first year at college?"and often times he volunteers information about what he's been up to, opens up about friends and will ask for advice. I also do impromptu "Lets go grab a coffee" moments where if he's been rather withdrawn I'll take him out to Starbucks and he does open up. He's even asked if we can go to coffee on occassion because he's most comfortable talking in those types of settings outside of our home. I don't probe. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk about anything important so we just make small talk. For us, having these "dates" is a great way to stay connected.
My wife has always been good about getting a conversation going with our 3 dd's. Sometimes I think she just wears them down. I call it her "debriefing". Sometimes she offers advise, other times she just listens, she asks direct and pointed questions, though she says I am their mother - not trying to be their best friend - doesn't mind calling them on the carpet when needs be. Now with 2 out of the house, they talk nearly everyday. I've been told I don't asked the right questions *sigh*
Sometimes I have seen where teenagers that won't talk with their parents - for whatever reason - but will talk with a neutral 3rd party like a school counselor, religious leader or maybe parents of a friend. Hopefully those 3rd party individuals will support you rather than contradict what good you are trying to accomplish.
My wife is also big on "picking her battles" -- in the long run some battles aren't worth the fight - maybe like cleaning their room, etc., but will battle about going to someone's house, she will find out what kind of supervision will be there, any older brother's, etc. etc. We had some parents lie to us once and that really put an end to them going to friend's houses that we don't know personally - and can trust. We have never been into just letting the kids "hang-out" at their friend's house. The can "hang-out" at our house, when we are home...!
I really feel for parents who struggle with their teenagers - we have been so lucky. Growing up I had a sibling that created a lot of problems in the household - it was hell for my parents and for me! I have never been to their house (we live in same city), but
would be welcomed - we are just very different.
...and another thing ;)...Dads are different, our conversations are often more brief - and to the point. And I do pack my dd's lunch for her everyday. I really didn't think it was a big deal -- apparently it is a big deal. Something she mentions to her friends, "my DAD makes MY lunch". And they are in ahhhh. Sometimes simple things are appreciated.
...my mother made my brother and my bed's everyday we lived at home (maybe she used it as an excuse to go into our rooms?!) When I went to college - I lived in an apartment with 5 roommates. I was the ONLY one who made their bed everyday (when I got up). I quizzed them and they all had to make their own beds growing up! Interesting experiment. Hmm sort of off topic though....
i find that if I need them to talk to me, they don't know what to say to me. but if i go about living my own life, then they tend to seek me out. it's just human nature to want what is not right in front of us.
when our kids entered 7th grade, my husband told me we were done raising them. this was now the season to see what they chose to do with their lives. that sounded early to me at the time, but in retrospect, he was right. they were done hearing from us, and it was time to let go and let them make decisions, and also answer for those decisions.
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