View Full Version : Friends of the opposite gender?
Does/would your spouse or SO have a problem with you having close platonic friendships with someone of the opposite gender? (Or someone of the same gender if you are gay?). I recently ended a dating relationship with a guy I liked alot because he could not accept the fact that I had alot of male friends (most who are married or have SO's) and who I do alot of activities with. My ex-DH never had a problem with this - nor did I have a problem with him having female friends. I think it's natural but apparently other's aren't comfortable with it. Most of my female friends told me I'm crazy for ending an otherwise good relationship because of this reason. They felt I should stop hanging out with my guy friends. I disagreed but am curious how other's felt.
!pow!
This is a real contentious issue. First off, I believe there comes a time in a relationship (any relationship) where both parties need to take stock of what they have (each other), then set their priorities to reflect what exactly they want in the relationship.
Spending time with opposite sex friends (outside of the other partners involvement) does not represent a healthy relationship IMO.
We have neighbours (Italian neighbours) and there are times the Mrs is out shopping and the Mr will drop by our house to give us a picking of fresh garden goods and I'll ask him in for a cold drink or cup of tea. He's in his late 70's and my husband could care less, these people are like extended family to us, but as for me gallivanting around in the evening meeting up with this guy or that guy (just because we're friends), ugh-uh, just as it would be ugh-uh with respect to my husband mirroring the same.
With any relationship comes jealousy, albeit mild or acute, but jealousy is present in any working and loving and caring relationship, if it isn't there, then it isn't a relationship. I prefer my husband the way he is and I know he fancies the way I am, connected at the hips with each other and dedicated to one another.
Sure, if DH approached me and said- "Margaret, I got a call at work today from an old high school friend (a girl) and she wants to meet me for a drink or coffee after work", I'd have a problem saying no to that, but if it was a regular event that crept up frequently, now I'd have a problem with it. As I said, there comes a time when you have to set your priorities as to what exactly you want in a relationship and few relationships I know of (if any) encourage or favour such activity.
Well, "Harry" would probably say "no, you shouldn't have a relationship with guys if you're in a relationship" but "Sally" would probably say "why shouldn't you have a few guy friends--they're not a threat!" (When Harry Met Sally is one of my favorite movies).
But seriously, I think Nora Ephron was on to something--I do think guys have the mentality that other guys are always "out to get something" where women are far less likely to look at their guy friends that way. I know my DH would feel very threatened if I had guy friends, which I don't--at least not the kind I'd call in the middle of the night to talk, or meet for coffee a couple of times a week. But DH tends to be jealous, so I just don't bother with even broaching the subject.
On the other hand, he thinks nothing of talking about his "girl" friends, and I don't think anything of it, as long as he's not putting them over me.
I really do think it's a guy thing.
As I've always worked in a male dominated field, and in college/high school was a math and science geek, I've had many close friends over the year who were men. My hub was aware of this when he met me, and he continues to support me and my friendships. He's way more introverted than me, prefers not to join us for the most part, but is not in any way threatened or jealous. No need to be. He knows he always comes first. I am dedicated to him, but that doesn't mean I have to excuse half the human race from being my friend. He always knows who I'm with, where we are, and I give him the details of our conversations when I get home. All on the up and up. He knows I have a much stronger need to be social than he does.
Although I will say over the years, my men friends tend to be more breakfast/coffee/lunch date partners rather than dinner. There's something about meeting over dinner that makes it feel like more of a "date", so I rarely do that. And it seems more threatening to the wives and SO's, which is another reason not to meet over dinner. I don't want to be cutting into someone's family time.
To add, relationships equate to "give and take" and like all things related to two people looking to be one, the level of give and take will vary from relationship to relationship. So, like it or not, there will be certain things and areas related to those who are involved that will curtail scaling back on and if one isn't ready to scale back, then I question ones readiness for a serious and mature and loving relationship.
I was sharing an apartment with two guys, one of whom is still my best friend, when I started dating my husband. He's not jealous at all of my guy friends, and I never would have married anybody who would tell me whom I could and couldn't hang out with. I think you were right to break up with the guy.
treehugger
3-31-11, 4:21pm
I think this is definitely one of those things that will vary per couple. Obviously trust depends greatly on what has come before, as well as any issues that people bring to a relationship.
I do agree with Kathy WI that when platonic friendships already exist (i.e., they did not begin after the start of the romantic relationship), then partners should learn to live with them, assuming trust has been established and there is no inappropriate behavoir within the friendships.
I, too, would never become involved with someone who tried to control who I could or could not be friends with. Big red flag for me. Yes, relationships are all about give and take and compromise, but, IMO, there's nothing inherently unhealthy about platonic friendships and many successful marriages/longterm partnerships can coexist with male/female friendships.
Kara
loosechickens
3-31-11, 5:09pm
Both my sweetie and I had opposite sex friends when we met, many of them are still friends, and over the years, both of us have had numerous opposite and same sex friendships (with both gay and straight people) , and continue to do so. In sheer numbers, since my sweetie is far more gregarious than I am, he has the most, but I have friends who are male, and also lesbian female friends, and it has never been a problem at all, for either of us.
We've also had a committed and monogamous married relationship with each other for well over 30 years now. And neither of us would be willing to give up our buddies, same sex or opposite sex. Over the years, some of those friends have become friends of us both, but some, especially the ones that share activities that my sweetie and I do not share together, are "one person" friendships.
Neither of us has ever felt jealous of the other's friends', nor had reason to feel that way. We are each of us the other's "very BEST friend", but have others as well.
If either of us had ever tried to control the other's life in that way, dictating who they could be friends with and when, I doubt if we would have ever married. We are, after all, individual people as well as a married couple, and are not "joined at the hip" into a single entity.
Both of us have always been committed to watching our individual friendships with others carefully, so as not to let those friendships become other than platonic, or in any way replacing our primary relationship, but honestly, it's really never been a problem.
Thanks for the input everyone - very enlightening! I guess I should add that the guys I hang out with are either old friends I've known forever and have always had an ongoing relationship with as friends, or guys I do sports with - sometimes as a group (all men, all women, mixed) and sometimes just the two of us - or people (guys) that I share a certain hobby with. For instance, I have some male friends I bike ride with on a regular basis. Same with volleyball. Etc... So the other day I went out on a long bike ride with a male friend who, like me, is retired and free. He wanted to ride, I wanted to ride, and I never saw it as anything more than this. We stopped enroute for lunch and then went our seperate ways afterwards. Agreeing that it was fun and we should do it again soon. The guy I was dating (who works full time) felt this was wrong and so, disagreeing, I decided to end it. I guess to me, who has always worked in non-traditional jobs where I was the only female, and who has always done things (sports, hobbies, activities) with guys since I was a little girl, it's just as normal as if I was doing it with another female.
Loose Chickens you make a good point - I have several platonic lesbian friends who I hang out with and he didn't seem to mind that :-)! I do think it's just an issue of incompatability rather than jealousy or lack of trust. Especially when I also so social things with their spouses and families too (barbeques, parties, etc...) and he was always invited to participate too. I just thought he was more opened minded about such things - and he seemed to be - but when he saw it in action he didn't like it for no other reason than he felt it wasn't "right" or "normal". Nothing wrong with his way - it's just not my way!
loosechickens
3-31-11, 5:15pm
"With any relationship comes jealousy, albeit mild or acute, but jealousy is present in any working and loving and caring relationship, if it isn't there, then it isn't a relationship." (Mrs-M)
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Mrs-M, I wouldn't presume to question whether or not this is true in your own relationship, but I unequivocably disagree with your statement as it affects "any working and loving and caring relationship".
Because, to ME, if jealousy (mild or acute) is present, that relationship is WAY less than ideal, it's certainly not an ideal healthy and caring relationship, because SOMEONE in that relationship feels threatened or inadequate, or someone is behaving in a way that makes them feel so.
I have absolute trust in my husband's character and integrity, also in his unswerving love for me, and he feels the same. Neither of us would ever feel what you describe, and if we DID, we would worry about how "healthy" our own relationship was.
So....that may be how YOU feel, but I don't think you can generalize about "any" relationships, just because that is how YOU would feel or how your husband would feel, because it just isn't true. Sorry.
edited to add: Spartana, I think you made a good call. Because that kind of controlling behavior only gets worse over time, and virtually never better, so chances for success in that relationship were probably slim over the long term. Good for you.......
I remember one guy I went out with after my divorce and before I met my sweetie. I was going to town to spend the day one day and he offered to go along, and I said, "well, I'd really rather go alone, as I want to spend time at the library, hitting thrift stores, etc., and want to do it on my own schedule", and his reply was "Hmphf.....are you meeting some man over there?" That was the end of that relationship, because I didn't have any trouble seeing ahead to what my future life would be life. Nope. Not for me.
What if you are bi-sexual? Does that mean you can't have *any* friends if you are in a relationship?
[QUOTE=bae;17372]What if you are bi-sexual? Does that mean you can't have *any* friends if you are in a relationship?[/
:D:D
in that case I guess it's just family. Glad my sister is like me - who else can I talk guns and ammo with?!.
But seriously, while I do know I could never be with someone who would have me ban anyone from my life - be it for any reason - I do understand how it would be hard for some people to see their spouse in a platonic opposite-sex relationship.
loosechickens
3-31-11, 5:46pm
"What if you are bi-sexual? Does that mean you can't have *any* friends if you are in a relationship? " (bae)
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ah, bae, sometimes you just CRACK ME UP!!!!!!!!!! ;-)
some of those friends have become friends of us both, but some, especially the ones that share activities that my sweetie and I do not share together, are "one person" friendships.
Neither of us has ever felt jealous of the other's friends', nor had reason to feel that way. We are each of us the other's "very BEST friend", but have others as well.
Ditto to both these comments. And what I hope for in a new relationship too (and had with ex-dh for almost 20 years - of course now he is an "ex" but that didn't have anything to due with this topic it was job and career related). Now it's time to go fishing again. Men - run for your lives!!!
loosechickens
3-31-11, 5:51pm
"But seriously, while I do know I could never be with someone who would have me ban anyone from my life - be it for any reason - I do understand how it would be hard for some people to see their spouse in a platonic opposite-sex relationship." (Spartana)
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absolutely, only the people involved can know what is appropriate for their own relationships, and hopefully like minded people find each other. The only problem comes when all are pushed into "one size fits all" generalities.
although I'm still wondering what those poor bi-sexual people do......they are REALLY in the middle (O.K. bad pun).......sorry....
To add, relationships equate to "give and take" and like all things related to two people looking to be one, the level of give and take will vary from relationship to relationship. So, like it or not, there will be certain things and areas related to those who are involved that will curtail scaling back on and if one isn't ready to scale back, then I question ones readiness for a serious and mature and loving relationship.
Yeah, I agree there is a need for give and take (that dreaded "compromise" word I hate :-)!!) in any relationship. But I think it's less about "being ready" to commit to a relationship, than it is to determining how much, and of what things, one is willing to compromise (or not) on. Finding those areas where you have similair values and beliefs are what dating and getting to know someone is all about. Sometimes you are compatable on many things but maybe one or two things you aren't compatable on are just too big to compromise on no matter how great everything else is. We're all different in what those things are.
although I'm still wondering what those poor bi-sexual people do......they are REALLY in the middle (O.K. bad pun).......sorry....
LOL! they are only allowed to hang out with unattractive people. :)
i would have a hard time if my fella tried to tell me i couldn't hang out with my guy friends. not that i spend a lot of time alone with guy friends, but some of them have been my friends way longer than he has been! it would be really unfair if he asked me to give them up, or vice versa.
i wonder if some of this comes down to where you were in life when you got together with your partner. if you've been together since age 16, and suddenly when you are 40 you start spending a lot of time with a new, attractive best friend, that somehow seems a little dodgier to me than if you get together with someone when you're 35 (as i did) and have longstanding friendships that you want to maintain.
I also think it is a positive thing to end this. To each his own, I suppose, but I am also of the mind that a partner trying to limit who the other partner has as platonic friends is a serious warning signal. It shows a level of insecurity and controlling behaviour that is bound to create problems in the relationship. I would not want to be in a relationship where my partner tries to control who I am friends with. Stifling and unfair.
lhamo
I also so social things with their spouses and families too (barbeques, parties, etc...) and he was always invited to participate too. I just thought he was more opened minded about such things - and he seemed to be - but when he saw it in action he didn't like it for no other reason than he felt it wasn't "right" or "normal".
If I'm reading this right that he was jealous if you as a couple socialized with other couples, that's just way over the line in terms of being a control freak.
in that case I guess it's just family.
My ex would be jealous if I spent time with my family and accuse me of having incestuous relationships with them (though there is no history of incest in my immediate family). He is a paranoid schizophrenic and you can never satisfy the insecurity of a person like that. He got more possessive after we got married since he felt I was his wife and he sort of owned me. If you feel someone is too controlling when you're just dating them, trust me you don't want the relationship to progress, because it is much more likely to get worse than to get better.
If you feel someone is too controlling when you're just dating them, trust me you don't want the relationship to progress, because it is much more likely to get worse than to get better.
That has certainly been my observation from working with battered spouses/partners.
Look, you've got to honor, to a great extent, the feelings of your spouse in this area. Now that said, you (the generic you) married the guy and you DID know what he was like even though you might wish to disclaim that now.
As to what is reasonable for my spouse: it entirely depends on the person he's with. DH often goes to a movie with our female friend and that's fine with me because she and her husband (who is often out of town) and DH and I often go as a group to movies. That's our activity. I don't like blockbusters but DH and our female friend DO like them, so they can go as a couple, why not?
It's ok with me if DH hangs out with female friends that we both know. We have a single female friend we've known for 20 years here and he often goes to her house for dinner when I'm gone. I would be ok with him biking or playing tennis or things like that with a female friend I didn't know but he doesn't do activities like that, he's an introvert and his down time is alone stuff (gardening, cooking, etc.) . I think it's hard enough to meet people who share your passions, so I wouldn't want to limit that. Yet, at some point if I thought a relationship was taking a turn in the wrong way, I'd talk with DH about that.
So I think that Mrs. M has a point that your spouse may be looking for outside companionship, and while that is probably ok, it might not be ok.
I just had a BIG talk about this very thing with a new friend who was involved in an unhappy situation in our neighborhood with a neighbor who had to drop out of a group of friends due to his wife's jealously. I think that the wife is being silly as I think she is silly in a lot of things. Yet, my friend, one of the threats in the group, DID get a divorce from her husband and DID just break up with the man who cam along shortly after that. So, from that wife's point of view there's a lot of activity there.
I think it really depends on what you did prior to the relationship and how many friends you want/need. I've never had male friends that I wasn't interested in dating, other than activity only friends. You know - co-workers or people you talk to at a certain activity. But I wouldn't go for coffee or a movie with those men. My husband is pretty much the same - no close female friends. So for either of us to start doing friend activities with an opposite sex person, that would be a sign of trouble. We also have a really low need for friends. I have one good female friend who I only talk to every few months (out of town) and my parents and his mom (if you consider family to be friends) and that's about it. And that many is almost too much for me. I can't imagine wanting a male friend other than my husband.
I've always had guy friends. I work in a scientific field for one thing, for another I like to mountaineer. This coming weekend it will be me + 4 guys on a backpack trip. Yes DH will be there but there have been other times when he wasn't for one reason or another and there was only one other woman or none. Wasn't a big deal. I don't think it'd be natural to avoid friendship with men. Certainly someone spends more and more time with a particular friend of the preferred gender to the exclusion of the partner from that's obviously an issue. A dating partner that wants you to give up your prior friendships is showing a red flag, IMO. Tread carefully.
This is a topic I've never thought about. When I was single I always had a guy best friend. I married the last one and have no desire to have another one. I don't think my husband would be supportive of me having a close relationship with a man other than him nor would I support him having a close relationship with a woman other than me. We are committed to each other and meet each others needs for a opposite gender relationship. We have several couples friendships and feel free to call on either the husband or wife if needed but not in a close relationship capacity.
If I'm reading this right that he was jealous if you as a couple socialized with other couples, that's just way over the line in terms of being a control freak.
No - He didn't care if I sociallize with other people (with or without him) as a mixed group of friends, he just didn't think it was "right" for me to do activities or have friendships with men or groups of men by myself - irregardless of how long I have known them, how tight our bonds were (some of these guys are like brothers to me) or how often we had previously done things together. I don't think it was jealousy at all - he apparently was just more old fashioned than I thought he was and he just felt women and men shouldn't be friends EXCEPT as part of a couple. I personally thought this was an odd belief - especially since he knew BEFORE we started dating all about my somewhat non-traditional background, jobs, and lifestyle as well as the fact that I had many male friendships. I think he didn't really realize the impact on him until he saw it in action.
My ex would be jealous if I spent time with my family and accuse me of having incestuous relationships with them (though there is no history of incest in my immediate family). He is a paranoid schizophrenic and you can never satisfy the insecurity of a person like that. He got more possessive after we got married since he felt I was his wife and he sort of owned me. If you feel someone is too controlling when you're just dating them, trust me you don't want the relationship to progress, because it is much more likely to get worse than to get better.
My very cute younger sister and ex-dh hung out together without me all the time. We had a big sailboat and they would go out on long trips (something I found absolutely boring since I had spent about a decade at sea for about 9 months or more a each year - with a mostly male crew who were, and still are, some of my best friends and "brothers"). The thought that something would go on between them was the furtherst thing from my mind. I had absolute trust in both of them - and in my DH when it came to other women - and would have defended that belif to the death. I think alot of it is that DH is very gender-oblivious. He was raised in a gender-neutral home where all the kids shared all the chores equally on a rotating basis. The boys cooked and cleaned house as well as the girls, and the girls mowed the lawn and worked on the cars as well as the boys. His 3 younger sisters all grew up to have what was then non-traditional jobs: one was in the Marines, one was a Sheriff, and the other was a Ship's Captain. So he grew up not really seeing any difference between having male friends and female friends - they were all just people who were his friends. I'm the same and maybe that's why I had an unshakable trust in him as well as my sister.
loosechickens
4-1-11, 1:17pm
I guess it just depends on your own views, whether you see people more as people as opposed to their gender, whether you somehow feel that any opposite sex person close to your partner is a threat (or a same sex one, I guess, for gay or bisexual people).
I found myself thinking that people who are accustomed to having friends of both sexes, completely separate from their love interests, seldom have problems with this, while those whose relationships with the opposite sex (or same sex, for gays) have primarily been directed toward sexual or love interest, conflate any such relationship as something other than friendship.
It almost reminds me of the people who associate nudity with sex, who then cannot BELIEVE that you would live in a nudist resort and be pretty much indifferent to people around you on a sexual basis. Because, since THEY associate being naked with sex, it just doesn't compute that others might have a completely different relationship with being naked, one that didn't involve sex at all in a social setting.
It seems most important that both persons in the relationship share the same attitude toward this idea of friendships. If both do, whether that viewpoint is that such friendships are fine or that they are dangerous, both people will feel comfortable with whichever attitude they have chosen.
But if one is accustomed to having close friendships with people of both sexes, and all of a sudden finds themselves in a relationship with someone who thinks such friendships are dangerous, or vice versa, trouble ensues.
For myself, and I know my sweetie feels the same way, I'm not willing to "write off" half the population of the earth because of their gender, as being "suitable" for friendship or not. Others, of course, are free to think differently, although to me, I think they are missing a lot.
Because, in the end, if a partner is going to stray, they are going to stray, even if the leash you hold is short, tight and you are ever vigilant about threats to your partnership. And if they are not, they can be friends with inordinate numbers of people, even very close friends with them, and never give you a minute's cause for worry.
I've always had guy friends. I work in a scientific field for one thing, for another I like to mountaineer. This coming weekend it will be me + 4 guys on a backpack trip. Yes DH will be there but there have been other times when he wasn't for one reason or another and there was only one other woman or none. Wasn't a big deal. I don't think it'd be natural to avoid friendship with men. Certainly someone spends more and more time with a particular friend of the preferred gender to the exclusion of the partner from that's obviously an issue. A dating partner that wants you to give up your prior friendships is showing a red flag, IMO. Tread carefully.
This is pretty much how my male relationships are too - both when I was single and married. It was never a big deal to dh or any other guy I dated - before this last guy (who has been dumped btw :-)!. Usually an activity like hiking or trail running, etc... but I do have some people (guys) that I do other things with - like go see really crappy Sci-Fi or horror movies and make fun of them (you Mystery Science Theatre 3000 fans know what I'm talking about). My female friends don't want to go with me and often times the guys SO doesn't want to go with them, so we go together and every one is happy. And as you point out Rosie, if you spend more time with ANY friend (irregardless of gender) to the exclusion of your SO, that's going to be an issue. I'm sure many relationships have fallen apart because one partner is spending too much time and energy hanging out with their same gender friends rather than their SO. I know this is the number one complaint that many of my friends have - especially the female one - their SO is off doing stuff with their guy friends, or working on their hobbies, or watchiung sports, etc.. and not spending any time with them.
I found myself thinking that people who are accustomed to having friends of both sexes, completely separate from their love interests, seldom have problems with this, while those whose relationships with the opposite sex (or same sex, for gays) have primarily been directed toward sexual or love interest, conflate any such relationship as something other than friendship.
Yes! To me, romantic feelings and friendship feelings are two totally different things. I don't have any romantic feelings towards ANY of my friends (male or female). Of course it's very nice if you can find a mate that you have BOTH types of feelings for. Sort of like the icing on the cake IMHO! While the cake and icing are both wonderful, fulfilling and complete things on their own, they are soooooo much better together. And like a great romance/friendship, having them together doesn't change either of them -the cake still remains the cake and the icing still remains the icing - but they compliment each other as individual things.
Above all, it's GREAT to talk about these things w/ a partner or potential partner and get them out there. Everyone has different comfort levels w/ different things including opposite gender friendships. It's too easy in the early stages of a relationship to take some things as "given" and be surprised later. I say drop the judgement about what is right/wrong and just find out if you are compatible. Personally, I can't make a blanket statement about this issue... there are people and circumstances I have no problem with and others that I do... too many variables to reduce it to a black and white thing.
Above all, it's GREAT to talk about these things w/ a partner or potential partner and get them out there. Everyone has different comfort levels w/ different things including opposite gender friendships. It's too easy in the early stages of a relationship to take some things as "given" and be surprised later. I say drop the judgement about what is right/wrong and just find out if you are compatible. Personally, I can't make a blanket statement about this issue... there are people and circumstances I have no problem with and others that I do... too many variables to reduce it to a black and white thing.
I agree. I'm not making a judgement - just happy to find out fairly early that something that was a non-issue for me (and a deal breaker as far as a serious relationship went) was very important to him. My sister once dated a guy for over a year before she found out he was a racist. They were perfect for each other in every way, but once his "true colors" began to show themselves (which sometimes takes a long time) she knew that it was a deal breaker even if everything else was perfect between them.
I've not had the time to read the entire thread, but I'd like to add the following, based on my recent experience with a guy I thought I was dating (and so did other people when they saw us together!), but turned out to just think of me as a friend.
How does the spouse/SO/partner interact with those of the opposite gender (or same gender if gay/lesbian)? My guy friend was extremely huggy, kissed on the lips, etc. He admitted, when we had The Talk, that there had been several other women friends in the past who thought he was interested in them - and from my experience, I bet I can guess just why they thought that.
So, if your spouse/SO/partner is extremely huggy - and full frontal contact hugs, too! - kissing on the lips, etc., with opposite gender friends, it could lead to unintended situations - such as someone falling for your spouse, etc., when spouse didn't intend anything to happen. Might be a good reason to talk.
In my experience, kisses on the lips were only between those who were romantically interested in each other. Otherwise, you kiss on the cheek.
OK, I know this is a girly discussion but I have something to add -
When my DW and I were dating we had very close relationships with several of our friends. In fact during the early 70's my best sex connection was other ladies that I knew - it seemed they talked a lot and were quite willing to "hook us up" (as they say these days).
One particular good friend that we had seemed infatuated with my present wife - they had gone out on several occasions - concerts, group get-to-gathers, etc. He is a good guy and a good friend even today. I was very jealous - I knew he wanted to get in her pants but my wife made it clear to me that she was not interested in that regard.
This is what she told me, "I like Bill but he has a really small penis so that is over for me". That is all I needed to hear. Not sure if it is/was true but it calmed my concerns!! Women are Angels!!
Peace
Tradd, I'm sorry (if you are). That would be frustrating to me and I would feel led on.
Tradd, I'm sorry (if you are). That would be frustrating to me and I would feel led on.
Thanks, Yppej. I was very sad at first and very frustrated, but turns out in hindsight it was probably for the best. I've been an independent sort for more than 15 years, and I'm not really sure he ever lived away from his parents home (we're both early 40s). He's also not only the only son but also the only child, of parents who aren't wealthy, but very comfortable. He seems to be short on the cajones and the quality I call "spine." I still see him around at a lot of local church events, and we talk, but as they say, the best revenge is living well. We had a lot in common, but I think the total difference in closeness to parents, level of independence, stick-to-itiveness (sp?), and lack of gumption on his part would have been major, major issues.
I have male friends within mixed groups of friends (e.g. work friends & other groups), or in couples, if that makes sense. I don't spend one-on-one time with any males other than my partner (and my father and brothers, but that's different!). It just doesn't feel quite right to me, namely because in the past, romantic feelings have developed on at least one side. That said, I feel more comfortable interacting with guys a lot of the time rather than just women. It's just more... carefree? I don't know.
I have male friends within mixed groups of friends (e.g. work friends & other groups), or in couples, if that makes sense. I don't spend one-on-one time with any males other than my partner (and my father and brothers, but that's different!). It just doesn't feel quite right to me, namely because in the past, romantic feelings have developed on at least one side. That said, I feel more comfortable interacting with guys a lot of the time rather than just women. It's just more... carefree? I don't know.
I know what you mean about interacting with guys. I'm the same in that I don't do one-on-one stuff with a man other than husband or relatives, but in a group situation I'd rather hang out with men. I'm taking a course right now and there are 7 women to about 22 guys. The other 6 girls go off and have lunch together, or something, and I either sit alone and study or sit with the guys. In 7 months of full time school, I've only once sat with the girls, because I happened across them unexpectedly. It's just easier interacting with men in general. Especially now being married and they all know it (or don't care) so there's no sexual stuff going on like when I was single and hoping to meet someone.
loosechickens
4-3-11, 3:31pm
I tend to like talking politics, finances, stock market, etc., and in general find more men interested in those things than women, so tend to gravitate toward men friends. My sweetie is a big gardener, plant propagator and grafter, active in political volunteering, and often finds that activities that he enjoys have a large quotient of females sharing the same interests.
That said, we have a very close bond between the two of us, and even our closest friends take a back seat to that primary relationship, so perhaps that is why neither of us feels threatened by the others' friendships with others.
As several have said, there really isn't a "right" or a "wrong" way of seeing this, only that both people in the partnership should be comfortable with whatever arrangement they arrive at for their particular case. I can see no problems with either extreme, no individual friends of the desired sex outside the relationship or tons of them, as long as both people feel comfortable with whatever level of other friendships each of them has.
I'm glad that I don't have to make my decisions about who I want to spend time with based on their gender, and can develop friendships around common interests or similar sense of humor, etc., and my sweetie is, too. That's fine for us, but might not work for others. It's really up to the people involved.
I think a GREAT rule of thumb is if you would be happy, comfortable and proud of your behavior w/ "that" person in a public light then you are probably in the all cool zone. There are things my wife is comfortable with that I totally woudn't be if the shoe was on her foot and verse vicea (gory details available on request). Communication is so important.
DH and I both have opposite sex friends that we brought into the relationship. Coincidentally, none of them live here any more, but we both keep in contact with them, as a couple and seperately. We don't have any problem with these old friends, but I think we both might think it odd if we sought out new opposite sex friendships that don't include both of us.
Its kind of funny, I used to go out to lunch with a guy friend I have had forever, through numerous boyfriends and girlfriends for both of us, then he kind of got distant...then I heard from him unexpectedly...he had been dating a very controlling woman who disliked his closeness with friends and family, much less female friends! So, we kept in good touch for a couple years, then he dropped off the face of the earth again. Apparently he is back with the girlfriend and now is engaged...I guess I won't hear from him in a while!
Well, I started feeling like a kind of an outlier here, as a person who has given up all my "guy" friends because my husband might not like me hanging out with them.
Then I thought about my own son, who had a girlfriend for a couple of years--we'll call her Eve. Then he broke up with her but stayed really good friends for a couple of years after that--both he and she would date other people on and off and they'd hang out together double dating. If Eve had an art opening, my son would go; if my son had a college event, she would go.
Then my son started dating Pat. Pat absolutely forbade my son to see, text, call, or email Eve, and she felt perfectly justified. On the other hand, my son felt like he was sacrificing a great friendship for the sake of this new relationship. Eve was really hurt when my son had to come right out and tell her that their friendship was over because it was important to his new girlfriend--and I know my son resented having to do that. I even felt bad, because I really liked Eve--but when you want to make a relationship work, you compromise on things that are important to the other person.
Long story short, last August, Pat was reading my son's text messages and found a couple of texts that were 9 months old to another girl (not Eve). She went ballistic and told him it was over. I've never seen my son get over a break-up faster. It was like good riddance.
So, maybe giving up your guy/girl friends for your SO is a little unfair--even if the friend is an ex--if that's the case, is that a different story?
Originally posted by Catherine.
but when you want to make a relationship work, you compromise on things that are important to the other personI sure wish I could express myself when I write. (Said so perfectly)!
These situations aren't problems but they can become problems. When one is good friends w/ a member of the opposite sex, maybe even an ex, but doesn't have to listen to the other one fart or put up w/ them buying the wrong kind of toilet paper or take turns yelling at the kids AND the primary relationship hits a rough patch it's FAR too easy to start idealizing the "friendship" and it can become more than that. Jealousy exists for a reason and boundaries are important.
loosechickens
4-5-11, 1:11pm
I agree with Spartana....throughout all the years that my sweetie and I have had opposite sex friends, it has always been agreed between us that if either of us found ourselves having romantic or sexual thoughts about a friend, that would be a signal to back off from the friendship, because propinquity being what it is, just all too easy for those kinds of thoughts in relationships to flower and eventually threaten the primary relationship between the two of us.
We have had a couple of cases where the FRIEND seemed to have some hopes for more than an ordinary friendship, and if those weren't able to be squashed, quickly and permanently, we would withdraw from a one on one friendship from that person as well.
It's never been a problem, but we both know that if either of us were to start thinking fondly in a romantic or sexual way about a friend, it would be our responsiblity to end spending one on one time with that friend, BEFORE that kind of relationship could begin. Always easier not to walk INTO the alley, than to try to back out of it. And both of us hold OUR relationship as so important to us that neither of us would ever take a chance on allowing anything to occur that might damage it.
It's worked for us for well over 30 years, but as I've said before.......each to their own, and as long as folks agree and are comfortable with the friendships or constraint against friendships with others, it's fine.
Originally posted by Spartana.
Well I guess when I started this thread I should have specified that by "platonic friends" I meant that there had never been, and never would be, any kind of romantic or sexual interest or relationship between people.I knew what you meant. :) Such a difficult balance it can be finding the right partner where a level of comfort and ease can be committed and respected. Wishing you the best in finding that special someone.
Originally posted by Loosechickens.
throughout all the years that my sweetie and I have had opposite sex friends, it has always been agreed between us that if either of us found ourselves having romantic or sexual thoughts about a friend, that would be a signal to back off from the friendshipIMO that is easier said than done, and, in a large percentage of the cases where things go awry, I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar that the SO involved would not possess the strength or wisdom to walk away from the moment. That's why "we" (husband and I) don't do it. And no, neither of us has ever had any past history or temptations related to such, but why open up the flood-gates to welcome in such evil into a relationship? Why encourage it?
No, I'm old-fashioned and this sort of thing doesn't fit into my life or my husbands life. We have each other, we have friends and family, and that's all we need. We are perfectly content with that. As a side-note, I asked my mom what she thought of such and her words were- "not over my dead body"! So I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I think there's a lot to be said about being old-fashioned about certain things.
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