View Full Version : Chuckle - buying a bathing suit today

4-3-11, 9:52pm
I can sort of relate to this story::laff::|(

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)

When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks - any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there
you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted ...a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read: 'Material might become
transparent in water'.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
With or without a bathing suit.

4-3-11, 10:35pm
Find a nude beach and don't worry about the suit.

4-3-11, 11:12pm
funny, free.....my thoughts exactly. I bought a bathing suit when we went to Europe a couple years ago, and have had only a few occasions to wear it, since most of my swimming is in nude environments. I used it several times in the past several weeks at a pool in Tucson. My god, it felt like I was encased in armor, it was so uncomfortable. And it fits just fine and is a nice one from Land's End, it's not that, it's just that I'm used to being completely unencumbered, so having straps on my shoulders, and something rubbing under my arms when I swam, was miserable. And then, trying to peel the wet thing off me in the dressing room afterward......yuck.....double yuck.........it felt about as useless as wearing a raincoat in the shower to swim in that thing. I can't believe that people inflict these things on themselves just so parts of their body don't show..... ;-)

Have to say, the OP was funny though......

4-3-11, 11:36pm
It was a funny post and I have a picture of what razz looks like in my mind with or without a bathing suit. Good description razz!!!!Splat!!Splat!

4-3-11, 11:39pm
Oh my god -- I am dying! So funny.

I have had pretty good luck with Speedo suits from Costco. I can't tell you how relieved I was when I discovered that I can fit in one of their standard sizes. I don't even try on -- just take it straight home.


4-4-11, 12:15pm
The nightmare of buying a swimming suit, UGH! Cute story :)

The right suit doesn't exist for me on the racks,
I end up selecting the one that requires the least amount of alterations to fit my body type.
Good thing I can sew!

4-4-11, 12:15pm
This is hilarious! Goodness, I've never owned a bathing suit in my adult life - and this little story gives some very good reasons why.

4-14-11, 9:22am
Oh, that's a GREAT essay! Thanks for sharing it! I'm having the same problem...I've been working out for about six months now, and am venturing towards getting a bikini, so DH can stop calling me "Pasty." Of course, when I was young I was too modest to wear a bikini, and then when I got older I was too embarassed about my gut to wear a bikini. So now, at 45, it's time. However, my stomach has never seen the light of day, so it really does make an albino whitefish look rather dark in comparison!

So we first tried Ross's for a cheap bikini...no luck, all bikinis in my size were sold out. Then we tried Wal-Mart...no luck either--the size was there but the top made my boobs look like two grapefruit rolling around in a string-mesh bag. So now I can either spend $85 for a Land's End getup that will do what it is supposed to re: coverage, support, etc., or...get some self-tanning cream for $7 and have DH slather it on! (I'm worried about it staining the sheets, however, so I'm still debating!)

4-14-11, 10:14am
What a fabulous funny story! Thanks for the hilarity!

4-14-11, 11:47am
I love that story too. So true. I have good luck with the Speedos too, Ihamo.

I have to admit that even reading the title of your thread made me shudder a little inside. What does THAT say about me? :)

4-14-11, 12:26pm
Who tries on bathing suits anymore???? :0!
I bought someone a birthday card once that said "There are worse things than birthdays............like nuclear war and trying on bathing suits." :laff:

4-16-11, 8:57am
Fantastic rendition of what has happened to me as well! I just joined a nudist colony to escape the bathing suit crap!

4-16-11, 10:39am
hey, citrine........welcome to the bathing suit free world! ;-)

4-22-11, 1:15pm
Try Blair.com. I got a couple of tankini's there that I like. Two piece, but they look like a one piece. And it's mail order, so the trying on is in your own home. Mom told me about it...

4-24-11, 11:39pm
:laff: Thanks for the laugh! I needed it today. When I read the part out loud to my husband where she lost her boobs and her attempt to find them, I was crying I was laughing so hard!

4-25-11, 10:45am
Tankinis are WONDERFUL. I was very happy when they became available. Finally, two piece suits that you can buy SEPARATELY so that the top AND bottom fits without needing to buy two swimsuits!

Selah -- trust me, the whitefish look isn't so bad. It's preferable to Melanoma. Go with the self-tanning lotion. Even if it stains the sheets, it's better than cancer and cancer treatments. Far cheaper, too...