View Full Version : INFJ, shy and arrogant
i am writing my goals for the year, i actually kind of like this process but it was overwhelming so i went to my job coach which was a good idea. a certain thing kept coming up in the process of using the FYI book that is part of our system. (it is a good book and has 60-something different things you can work on with causes, and examples of being skillful and unskillful and suggestions). i looked at a few that i didn't choose and the cause was listed as arrogant. then it made me look at information on being INFJ and some other things. it seems that i may want to look at how i may appear arrogant or aloof or something. i know when i was younger this came up, and even now sometimes people find me unapproachable, and i don't always take feedback the best this year. from my side i think deeply so i get frustrated with the rapid fire style of meetings and stay very quiet, i also am struggling this year with the quick demands and sharp judgments so i have my guard up. Still i can see how this outlier personality may look at times with colleagues and people up the food chain, while my staff and families and kids find me the opposite.
so i am going into the long meeting today with a reminder to myself to sometimes soften the look on my face or relax my body, of just be friendlier. Anyone else with an introverted personality work with this before?
Do you smile? I find keeping a slight smile on my face makes me much more approachable. I know I'm aloof and more of an observer if I'm not actually leading an event or meeting so when I'm not in charge I keep a little smile going and it's made all the difference.
For some reason, women are expected to walk around grinning like chimps. I've never understood why--the rule doesn't apply to men--and I've never done so. People generally get over it.
I'm INTJ and have no desire to be approachable in general, but I've not had any problem with work reviews or interpersonal issues. Arrogance seems to be considered a positive trait in men--example: Donald Trump--I don't know why this is.
Trying to pretend you're someone you're not may work, but the energy required to maintain the facade may become exhausting. I'm not sure what your feedback indicated--the "certain thing" that kept coming up--but it's telling that dealings with your clients are more rewarding than those with management, which are problematic.
It's obvious that you need time to process information--you don't "shoot from the hip." I'm like that too--I like to take my time to consider and turn things over in my mind. A successful work team should incorporate different styles.
Mostly what I see is that you fit with management like a sock on a rooster, as my friend's mother used to say. Maybe a change of managers--if it happens--will help. But maybe not. I would continue to explore other options.
mschrisgo2
7-28-15, 6:42pm
Well, FWIW, I am an INTJ, and I've found over my many years of working in school environments that I must have a certain amount of autonomy in my actual job. And in the meetings, I need to be "seen" or I simply check out. School staffs can be very excluding, so if I'm not presenting or in charge of the meeting, I bring something to share, a student activity idea, a poem or something inspirational. This helps to generate that feeling of being valued in the group from the beginning.
I've also had to work hard not to make sarcastic comments- sarcasm was valued in my college environment- and to instead employ the principles of non-violent communication.
I do often actively think about smiling a bit, and trying to use friendly and open body language, as I know my default appearance can seem unapproachable. I didn't worry about it much at my prior job as people were used to me, but now that I'm trying to network and get clients, I want to be seen as more friendly and approachable.
[QUOTE=JaneV2.0;20935
It's obvious that you need time to process information--you don't "shoot from the hip." I'm like that too--I like to take my time to consider and turn things over in my mind. A successful work team should incorporate different styles.
.[/QUOTE]
i think that is it, i planned way ahead on this camp deal and then no one answered me and in the end it was crisis mode and no one had time so i did the best i could. i really do need to plan that far in advance in order to get things in order. So going into this school year i have a lot of planning time and i saw i got an email answer to some budget questions for the budget due Friday. i got an apology for it being late, so maybe there is a shift in the department. i just need answers in a good time frame to do my job
i do have some positives at work but i also tend to take negative pretty hard. So i have not heard from anyone i work with that i seem arrogant. n fact people seem to really like me, the biggest issue is just getting all the details done. i do however think on a regular basis that i am smarter than my supervisors. i think that can show, and i can address that. so a couple times in our long meeting i stopped and just passed an idea of appreciation for what my supervisors do. it may be that they dress professionally or take notes. it doesn't have to be big. for one thing there is a serious over-talker in our group! we had to cut the agenda down to half due to discussions which is so hard.
SteveinMN
7-29-15, 12:26pm
Are you arrogant if you're right? :)
I'm INTJ, but so are about half of the people in Information Technology, so we've found ways around that (meritocracy works really well). I suspect that makes personality type a concern largely when yours does not match the majority type. An INTJ social worker, for example, would be an interesting personality (and successful??).
I've never had much of a problem appearing engaging or approachable. Part of it is that I do tend toward being the class clown. Humor can be very effective in breaking barriers. I also realize that if I control what people know about me (that is, I tell them) it's easier for me to maintain my privacy and distance when I want to. It also does not hurt to say to people (at appropriate times) something like, "Y'know, I'd really like to think about that a bit before I give you an answer". Even if you've already made up your mind, putting a little time in between the question and the response can't hurt.
rodeosweetheart
7-29-15, 2:05pm
I'm an INFJ, too, Zoe, and I just want to point out that most of the responders are T's not F's--I think we F's come to the same conclusions but we feel bad about things and they don't, lol.
Ultralight
7-29-15, 2:07pm
INFJ here...
i do have some positives at work but i also tend to take negative pretty hard. So i have not heard from anyone i work with that i seem arrogant. n fact people seem to really like me, the biggest issue is just getting all the details done. i do however think on a regular basis that i am smarter than my supervisors. i think that can show, and i can address that. so a couple times in our long meeting i stopped and just passed an idea of appreciation for what my supervisors do. it may be that they dress professionally or take notes. it doesn't have to be big. for one thing there is a serious over-talker in our group! we had to cut the agenda down to half due to discussions which is so hard.
Zoe, I'm INTJ but I have had similar issues with supervisors due to my having a high intelligence that can seem very threatening to other people. Outside of a suggestion to try to find supervisors who are also highly intelligent and can thus appreciate those same qualities in other people, I've found that turning the conversation to being about them or their interests (and yes, making sure to smile from time to time) and then being *genuinely* interested in what they have to say can help a great deal. (I have a very natural curiosity about practically everything, so that part isn't too difficult for me. I know it can be difficult for some people though. Still, people like to feel appreciated.)
I found a blog not too long ago that deals with issues that gifted people experience that has been very inspiring to me since I often feel like I came from some other planet compared to many other people.
https://rainforestmind.wordpress.com/
I was so excited to stumble across this blog because it seemed like it addressed so many of the issues that I have dealt with for years and thinking something must be dreadfully wrong with me, or even that I had a mental illness that no one could diagnose.
Me, INFP.
i do however think on a regular basis that i am smarter than my supervisors. i think that can show,
I'm sure you're right, given their complaint that you come off as arrogant. I don't think you necessarily have to patronize them with manufactured compliments, but perhaps internalize that everyone is different an everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses. None of us are perfect. Try to think about what you might be able to learn from them. I think bekkilyn is right: work on your own attitude and try to appreciate them for what they bring to the workplace.
Anne, I think it is very important to remember that someone being very intelligent doesn't always mean that he/she works harder/better or even has a great deal of common sense. I consider myself to be very intelligent, but I'm smart enough to realize that my ability to direct and successfully run large children's centers depended a great deal on my ability to organize myself and employ high levels of reasoning and common sense in my daily interactions with my large staff and family members.
Not trying to sound like a broken record in my responses to you, but creativity is great when it is accompanied by the necessary organizational skills to put it into action. There are many, many intelligent people in this world....but the real intelligent people know not to use it as their solo criteria for judging a successful employee. Please remember that when you have tasks that you don't complete correctly or timely, your level of intelligence is secondary to your competency in getting the job done. Don't let your disdain of someone who you feel is less intelligent than you become apparent. It is not an appealing quality in a co-worker.
i want to be clear that no one at work has actually called me arrogant, i just saw the tendency listed on more than one personality index and thought i should be honest with myself. to colleagues and staff i think that they would not call me arrogant, with supervisors i think i am just seen as moderately difficult. again i am trying to figure this out without a lot of feedback because i am not expecting to get clear feedback, just exasperation when something goes wrong. i do think they work hard, i would never fault that, i just am looking for ways to improve. maybe connect to others, i see the others as being very friendly, they talk a lot about drinking together, going out or even on trips. my supervisor lived very close to her supervisor and they have been friends, some work together on weekends. i just don't fit whether it is intelligence or difference. now many of the people i took my slow time getting to know, who know i do a good job and never feel awkward about checking in with me, well they are gone. the people who swear at each other in meetings, who say 'i seen', and who get frustrated when i seek deep clarity are left and in charge.
i don't see that intelligence is any advantage as an adult. past good grades in high school and some in college i don't see that it helps other than to create more frustration. so it is not disdain but honesty, i use bigger words, seek for more specifics when discussing an issue, am likely to research and create big plans. i have some great plans, lots of supports i create for myself, and once a year i mess up something that is not the minor thing.
i kinda wish someone knew me in person, maybe then i could really check in about this.
I'm an INFJ, too, Zoe, and I just want to point out that most of the responders are T's not F's--I think we F's come to the same conclusions but we feel bad about things and they don't, lol.
Hahaha! Where's that rolling on the floor smiley when you need it.
But I probably would have cared about it if it seemed to be impacting my work reviews. Instead, I got "Jane will do anything you ask her to..." (Seriously. I sounded like someone who would be a big hit at parties.)
iris lilies
8-1-15, 9:08pm
About the deep clarity thing: one of the best things I learned from an exec director I worked for was that, when he hired, he looked for people who could "manage in an environment of ambiguity." I love that phrase. Some workplaces are more clear than others in their expectations.
In our organization I tried to be note perfect on the procedures that WERE detailed by administration, and the rest I used my judgement. Sometimes my judgement was wrong and things went sideways, but that's the breaks.
well it looks in some ways like we are making progress as a department. last year the 4 systems of student data somehow did not create one way to effectively create a sign in/out sheet for parents. we all made up something but had no notice that we needed to. the old sign in/out sheet method also acted as a monthly double check on enrollment and schedules, again some people were clear on what they needed to do and i was not. i checked the place we were supposed to but it had mistakes from the first day of school so i didn't worry that it had other errors, well i think i took the fall for that one with my families who had not been charged for 3 months. that is rather detailed but it is what was happening last year a lot. i fumbled around a lot, maybe i am misunderstanding how much i think i messed up as compared to how much we all messed up (the person in charge of that change was sacked, (musical interlude) the person in charge of sacking the person who made the change was then sacked - okay he left for another job but the Monty Python reference was good,
freshstart
8-1-15, 10:10pm
Well, FWIW, I am an INTJ, and I've found over my many years of working in school environments that I must have a certain amount of autonomy in my actual job.
I've also had to work hard not to make sarcastic comments- sarcasm was valued in my college environment- and to instead employ the principles of non-violent communication.
INTJ, cannot stand to be micromanaged or have my day planned for me. And I do not do well in an all-office job, home care nursing, hospice same level of minimal office time.
I am very sarcastic. When i got to hospice, I found the lot of them to be incredibly funny, use black humor, laughed about deaths. It sounds wrong but when you see it so much, you need a safe group to process dying all the time and sometimes you just have to laugh about the crazy stuff. So I fit right in
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