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View Full Version : Caregiving--Exhausting!



kwest
1-2-11, 7:38pm
DH and I are so tired. We are in our sixties and retired. About 10 years ago both our moms(our dads were deceased for many years)reached a point in their lives that they could no longer care for themselves. They both lived close to us. We were still working at the time so we took care of them with some outside help. DH's sister lived 5 hours away but came to help as often as possible. Eventually, they both became unable to remain at home and went to the nursing home. Thank goodness, the facility was close to us so we were able to check on them every day. They were well cared for until they left us, one a few months later and the other several years later.

While DH's mom was in the nursing home, her sister who had no children reached that point where it was not safe for her at home. So she decided that she wanted to go to the same nursing home. We were able to work her into our day also. She was there for almost 3 years before she passed away. DH was executor of her will which included 17 people. Once again, only his sister was there sometimes to help. This included an auction of property and a trip to court before all was done.

After the aunt's death, we had both retired so we bought an RV and started to enjoy roaming around and doing some things we had worked our whole life to be able to do. This lasted for almost a year.

Now, we are right back at it again. An uncle and his wife, in their mid 80's who have no children are to the POINT! Uncle is in the hospital after a major heart attack and there is nothing that can be done for him because his other organs are so worn out. Aunt is just home from 2 weeks in the hospital with double pneumonia. She is diabetic and is not recovering well at all. Tomorrow, DH goes to the hospital to help move uncle to a skilled nursing facility and I go the opposite direction to take aunt to her doctor and probably back to the hospital. Once again, no one to help us except a wonderful neighbor who has health problems, too. We had to cancel our plans to spend the winter in Florida where we have made friends that we are missing a lot.

DH has POA for both uncle and aunt and will be the executor of both wills. We are very thankful that our health allows us to see after them but, dang, we are exhausted! Thanks for this site to vent a little. We know there are no answers and we will continue to do the best we can for them because no one else seems to care enough to step up and help.

Sorry this post is so long.

Karen

fidgiegirl
1-2-11, 10:28pm
Karen

I fear my parents could have written this about my grandmother. She is almost 83 and her needs are increasing by the day.

It sounds exhausting just reading about it. I don't know what else to say but to offer you a virtual hug.

Gina
1-2-11, 10:43pm
We know there are no answers and we will continue to do the best we can for them because no one else seems to care enough to step up and help.
I took care of my elderly father for 5 years w essentially no help, so I understand your weariness. Please feel free to vent as often, and as long as you wish.

Good luck to you.

puglogic
1-2-11, 11:13pm
Hang in there, Karen. Bless you for being there as caregiver, but please be sure to take time for yourself too: lots of rest, quiet, fresh air, sunshine, and good food.

Anne Lee
1-3-11, 9:30am
Karen, what have been the wishes of your uncle about long term care? If his prognosis is not good, perhaps you should start visiting with your aunt and his medical team about hospice so he can be at home. DH's grandmother was in a similar situation and was facing going to a nursing home. Bringing her home was the best thing for all involved. She was able to pass away in familiar surroundings in a place she felt safe. My MIL didn't have months and months of caring for a lingering, ill relative.

Regardless of what you do, I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself as best you can.

Terri
1-4-11, 12:00am
Karen, I'm sorry that there is so much to do and no one to help. My parents are in the same place right now with my grandfather. I truly hope that you will be able to see your friends that you are missing at some point in the near future.

kwest
1-4-11, 9:58am
Thank you for your support. Uncle knows that the facility is for some physical therapy to help him try to get back up on his feet. If there is no improvement we plan to contact hospice. He would much rather be at home but wants to try this first. He still has hope that he can care for his wife. Don't think that is going to happen but he has fooled us before. We truly feel that when one of them goes, the other won't be far behind. She has given up hope for both of them.

razz
1-4-11, 10:59am
Kwest, hang in there. I keep thinking that at the end of my life, I want to be able to say to myself, I have no regrets or left important work undone.
You both are doing important work. It is work, not paid work, but work just the same. If you were going through paid employment, you would take vacations and do special things as a couple. Make that vacation time a priority now. Family members are receiving appropriate care so you are free to have some vacation time.
Only you two can make that decision but do it!!!!

Charity
1-4-11, 5:15pm
You're a wonderful person Karen. I know hearing that doesn't make you any less tired, but you really are.

djen
1-4-11, 6:14pm
You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Just keep taking care of yourselves, too! You can't care for anyone else if you guys sink beneath the waves.

Sending hugs :)

Jemima
1-15-11, 12:44pm
I feel for you. I went through this for almost a year with my father until he was so bad he had to go into a nursing home. Even then he lingered for three years and my heart lurched every time the phone rang for the duration. To have to do that over and over again...well, I'd be over the edge myself.

I can't offer any better advice than what's already been said above. Be sure to take care of *you*.