View Full Version : Wedding sadness when there should be joy. (long but an update)
I watched the Royal Wedding this morning. It was such a wonderful joyous thing. I didn't intend to wake up for it. I woke up because my own daughter's wedding coming up in 4 weeks has resulted in a terrible situation that keeps me awake.
On the old boards I posted a dillemma with this wedding. I'm an identicle twin and extremely close to my sister. She and my BIL have literally been second parents to my daughter for a lot of reasons. They are a huge part of the wedding. We have a brother who is 8 years older than we are. From age 8 till 11 my sister was brutally and routinely sexually abused by my brother. She hasn't spoken to him in well over 30 years, except for an encounter about 15 years ago where he told her she enjoyed it and to get over it. I was there.
My mom started a campaign to get my brother invited to the wedding. She wanted me to send him an invitation and he'd drive my mom there but he wouldn't come in he'd just wait in the car. Yeah right. I sought advice from these boards (old version) and the concensus was unanimous. If I sent an invite he'd be there in an instant. And without question if that happened my sister would leave and my mom knew it.
Taking a poster on these boards advice that NO is a complete sentence, I told my mom no. She told me to think about it. She was all excited and was going to come to her only grand-daughter's wedding no matter what. When he didn't get an invitation and she told me to send another one I told her he wasn't invited. Several days later she called to say she was not attending, she was too feeble. (mind you she goes to excercise class four days a week)
I called her on the fact that as long as my brother was driving her here she wasn't too feeble but as soon as I said no to him, she said no to attending and that her choice was obvious. She went into a complete rage at me. (on the phone at my job). I called her later that night from home and she proceeded to tell me I was uppity, a goody two shoes, I'd never done anything for her in my life, I was a liar, I was manipulative etc. She mocked me by saying in a snearing insulting voice "You're such a good mom", indicating that I thought I was a better mom than her.
You know what? I am a better mom than her. And I told her so. What kind of mother inflicts a pedophile (my sister wasn't the only victim) who was abusing her own daughter on her grand-daughter's wedding knowing what havoc it will cause. Her total adoration for that son of hers blinds her to everything else. And she was willing to use my daughter's wedding to throw my sister under the bus. And my daughter and I are just fodder.
So while I was watching the wedding this morning I found myself sad and angry. A time that should have been joyous for me has ended up being the thing that made me finally cut all ties with my mother. It was a long time coming. She's never really liked my sister or I. I really think she resents my sister for sullying her son and she sees us as one in the same. She hasn't been to my home in over ten years. Prior to that she'd only been there twice in the prior five years in spite of constant invitations and my willingness to drive her there.
The weird thing is that I am mourning the loss of my mom. It feels almost like she's dead. It took a wedding to finally find out what she thought of me all along. The only family member of mine at the wedding will be my sister and her husband. The groom will have approximately 50 family members. It's going to be a very difficult day for me and that really makes me mad.
I remember you writing about that. I really think you made the right decision.
You know what would have happened if you'd made the wrong decision. You need to remember that this was your mother's choice.
You and your sister are the only victims in this no matter what blame she tries to toss your way.
I think it's ok to mourn the loss of what your mom could have been.
Maybe you could take a little time to mourn that loss. Maybe something as simple as writing down a list of what you wish your mom had been and including on the list the good things you remember. Set the list free - burn it and work thru those feelings.
Then fully enjoy the right decision you made. The wedding will be much more enjoyable.
Charity - You SHOULD be mourning the loss of your mom! It is not weird at all. She is a toxic person in your life and even though she is not physically dead, the hope/dream you had of a wonderful supportive mother is dead.
Mourn as you need to.
Support your sister but remember to still have a wonderful time at the wedding. Cherish what you do have.
I'd have kicked her out of my life years ago!
((HUGS))
Simplemind
4-29-11, 1:01pm
Dhiana +1
Charity, I don't know your age, but it has taken my sisters and I years, we are 55 and 52, to finally start cutting our mother out of our life. Unfortunately, the ability to love and be a mother are not requirements for reproduction. As children we thought everyone lived as we did, abused physically and emotionally. It was not until we started spending time at friend's houses that we discovered how unlucky we were. We all married early and got out of the house as soon as we could, but endured her comments about us and our children and husbands for years. I now only call her about once monthly to check on her, she is 75. Called her last night to check because of the terrible storms in our area. I know the day is coming when she will need some kind of hands on care, but do not know if I can endure this. When you realize that you can step back from them and take care of the family you love, it will be better. You have made a good and moral decision. +1
loosechickens
4-29-11, 2:58pm
Of course you are mourning, you are mourning the loss of a dream that somehow you would have a mother worthy of your love and relationship. It is very sad, but your mother clearly has made the choice to stick with the pedophile, and sadly, may have enabled him and covered for him in situations other than your sister. Very sad. Much much healthier for you to have made the decision you did, given your mother a chance to choose, and now that she has, you can mourn the loss of what you hoped she would be, recognize the person that she really is, and go on with your life.
thankfully, you have your sister, your family, and I, for one, hope that this wedding is as wonderful for you as it can possibly be, and that there is no loss at all from the absence of your mother and brother. In real life, some people truly are toxic, and when it is no longer possible to ignore that fact, you have to draw the line and remove them from your life. Of course it's sad. It's sad that your mother is who she is, but you can't change her or your brother, all you can do is change your interaction with them, which is what you've done. Good for you!!!
Best wishes to your daughter for her wedding, and best wishes to you, as well, for having been a much better mother to your children than your own mother was to you. Often when one has toxic parents, that is hard. And as Tenngal said, producing biological children does not a "mother" make, and clearly your mother is no mother, in the true sense of the word.
Thanks everyone. This whole thing happened a month ago and I finally needed to get it out with someone other than my sister.
Tenngal, ironically my sister and I are 53. Maybe our brains finally fully develop when we hit 50.
Believe it or not, on my own wedding day 25 years ago, my mom picked a fight with my sister and ruined that day for me. At 3am on my wedding night I had to drive her back to the airport so she could go home in a hissy fit. My sister didn't talk to her for 12 years after that. During that entire time I had my mom and my brother and his family over for every holiday, so my mom could have a semblance of a "family". I tolerated my brother during that time for her sake. But when she decided to risk wrecking my daughters wedding, that was the last straw.
It's a struggle for me because I too know she is going to need hands on care at some point and my brother is not going to be the one to provide it. It's hard to just cut off that concern. He has total control of her money and there will not be any left by the time she needs care. I was always the one that was worried about it. I think she realizes this, because now she leaves me teary eyed messages on my answering machine. Thanks to her real opinion of me finally being exposed, I realize that these messages aren't about missing me the person. After all, who wants to have a relationship with a lying, uppity, goody two shoes. It's fear over who is going to take care of her because she knows I was the one who would do it. It never occured to her that I'd walk away.
I do not listen to these messages. I hit erase at the first syllable. Right now I am concentrating getting through this wedding and I have to force myself not to get sucked in by what is surely manipulation on her part.
Do not worry about your Mom. She will have Medicaid that will provide for her.
You need to take care of your family and the grandkids that surely will come to bless you. Be everything for them.
Jill Sanders
4-29-11, 9:02pm
I am so sorry this awful situation has come up in your family. As people often say, we can pick our friends but we can't pick our family. Your mother was very unfair to insist that your brother attend the wedding. As someone else mentioned, these are two very toxic people that you don't need in your life. This is in no way your fault. You have been left with no choice. You have been pushed into a corner and came out defending your sister who has suffered much. Be proud of yourself and how you have stood up to a bully of a mother. Good luck!!!
you absolutely did the right thing. and yes, you are a better mother. if your mother is aware of what your brother did, then she is complicit. and that is seriously, seriously evil. it's not just an error. it's not just bad. it is *evil.* call it what it is, you know?
it is also normal to grieve. to not kid yourself -- you are grieving far more than the loss of your relationship with your mother, you're also mourning the fact that you never really had a good one to begin with, one who did not choose you or to even barely protect your beloved sister from predation, and a woman who *would not have protected your own daughter*. that is terrible. it is a terrible thing to truly realize and consider.
definitely, absolutely grieve it. everyone deserves a good mom. many people don't get one. you didn't. luckily, your daughter did (and your sister got a good sister too).
also, it's ok to enjoy the wedding thoroughly. do do do enjoy the wedding. i'm sure it will be wonderful. :)
One of the best decisions I ever made was to end my relationship with my most toxic relatives. They made trouble at my wedding and we (my husband and I) chose to ignore them and make our day about us. I ended my relationship with them soon after that. That decision eliminated so much stress from my life - I still marvel over that fact!
Zoebird's post was spot on. You do need to mourn the loss of your mom's relationship and accept the fact that she has not been a good mother. Allow yourself that. Focus on the wonderful family that you do have and enjoy your daughter's special day. You won't regret it.
You did the right thing. I hope you are able to get through this and by the time your daughter's wedding rolls around you will be in a place to celebrate what you have rather than grieve what you don't.
You did the right thing. Move forward and don't look back or have second thoughts. Enjoy the wedding!
Enjoy this joyous day, Charity. I too had to cut off relations with my most toxic relatives, including my mother, and I remember how difficult it was at first. It got easier as time went on, and as I stopped wishing that things would magically change, including the past. When I let go of the mother that I wished she was, then I saw her for what she truly is: someone who simply saw me as a tool she could manipulate to have the life she wanted, regardless of the damage it did to me.
I wouldn't tolerate that in a stranger, and I'm sure as he|| not going to tolerate it in a relative. But it was a very hard shift and I feel your disappointment and anger. This counselor helped me a lot: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/
Hugs to you - you and your sister deserve a life where you are loved and cherished, and that requires keeping the crazymakers OUT of it.
Charity...hugs....
It sounds like you are doing the right thing and it has been a long time coming...
# of guests is often way off a weddings...we had a total of nine at Dsons and Ddil had about 50 and that was just because that is all we have.
Your mother has given you the out for your daughter and you if it makes it more comfortable for everyone...She is feeble and DB is staying with her, nothing more needs to be said...
Charity, I am so sorry your mom is behaving so badly towards you, your sister and your daughter. It's very, very painful. I hope you can consider getting into therapy to grieve the loss of the mother you wanted. You are exactly correct to not allow an abuser - your brother - in your midst.
And, you are so strong and brave for protecting your daughter! You are doing EXACTLY what your mom did not - protecting your girl. What your mother could not do for you and your sister, YOU are doing for your family. You have broken the chain of abuse in your family. THAT IS HUGE. It will have ripples down the line of descendants, and know that your strong choices on behalf of your daughter is exactly what parenting at it's very best is - making the sacrifices that are so hard to assure a better future for our children.
I hope you can look forward with joy and celebration to your daughter's wedding - it's your time also to celebrate your accomplishments as a mother. Blessings to all!
loosechickens
4-30-11, 2:29pm
And besides, only the people who aren't "in the know" will look at the wedding party and think there aren't guests and family from "your side"......this whole online community will be there at the wedding....just look around, and I'm sure you'll see us, even if no one else can......
chrisgermany
5-2-11, 4:25am
You did the right thing and have been so brave to do it.
Sure there is some mourning. But you will get over it and go on with your life.
The bonds with those who share your values like daughter and sister will get stronger for it.
And if your ties to your mother remain cut it will save you a lot of unhappy and disappointing events in future.
Best wishes for a lovely wedding. Put all thoughts of your mother in the background and enjoy this very special day with your DD. Your mother is very undeserving of any relationship with you. What she has done is despicable in my opinion....
Thanks for all the kind wishes everyone. I had a good cry on Friday night. I guess it's all part of the process. She still keeps leaving messages on my answering maching. Thank God for caller ID. My guess is she will try to call me at work today too. But all my co-workers know her voice and they have all agreed to not put any of her calls through to me.
And I definately will think of all my simple living friends on these boards on my daughter's day. You've all been a important boost to my resolve on this matter. Thank you.
Charity - just one more voice telling you you're doing the right thing. Your daughter's happiness comes first. She (and you and your sister) should be able to celebrate and enjoy this most happy of occasions. Yes, you are mourning and that's good. You can't change your mom, you can only change your reaction to her. As far as having your brother around - safety always trumps etiquette.
Wow, I'm so relating to this thread. Great advice so far.
I've often wondered if I would have had to cut my parents off completely, if they hadn't died (and sort of solved the problem, at least superficially.) They're dead, but they still haunt me.
I looked at a framed photo of my mother the other day, and realized that it made me upset every time I saw it. I had the crazy idea of gathering every photo I have of her and my dad and burning them all. It's something I've never seriously considered, and it's shocking enough that I know I could never admit what I was doing to anyone IRL (except maybe my DH). But this could be a real cleansing thing, to make it ceremonial.
Anyway, in your corner for sure!!
Charity,
My 47-year old husband has had a similar dysfunctional relationship with his father for most of his adult life. During his childhood, he was verbally and physically abused by this man and yet part of him still longs for him to be the loving father he never had.
Right now, my husband isn't speaking to him (after his father verbally abused him on Christmas) and I'm hoping he can close the door on this relationship for the last time (at least beyond a superficial level).
Just know that you are not alone--in holding on to the vision of a loving relationship with a parent who is incapable and in growing to a place where you are strong enough to stand up for yourself in peace. Your mother has made decisions and must now accept her consequences. Fill in your life with friends who can serve as family and know that your simple living friends support you too!
I'm so sorry that you never had the mom and the family that you deserve. Your daughter can be proud that you are giving her the experience you should have had. Way to go, Warrior Mother!
I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all the support here. It has really bolstered my decision to cease contact with my mother. I think Mother's Day will be a little tough, but the bright spot is that my daughters wedding shower is this saturday and I'll have overnight guests through Sunday afternoon, so I'll be busy. And at least this will be the first year I won't have to go through buying a gift for her, driving 140 miles to give it to her, only to have her shove it back at me saying "I don't want it. Take it back." The only thing she ever kept was food gifts. I can tomatoes, sauces, salsa, savory and sweet preserves and make various homemade sausages and perogies, which I'd freeze and then give her as gifts. I realize now that the only reason she kept that stuff was because she'd give it to my brother. I'll just keep on focusing on the upside of this.
domestic goddess
5-5-11, 12:53pm
Oh, Charity, there is so much pain in this situation that I hardly know what to say, other than "I'm sorry it has to be like this for you and your sister!"
If you do ever speak to your mom again (and I'm not suggesting you ever do such a thing) you can just tell her that you have a personal policy of NOT inviting pedophiles to your family events, and putting other children at risk. Period. End of story. Aside from not rubbing your sister's face in this, think of the child(ren) you may be saving from him.
I completely understand your mourning the loss of the kind and loving mother you never got to have. But now you are out of the clutches of the domineering, manipulative, evil mother you certainly didn't deserve. Close this chapter of your life, and begin the next with your dd's wedding, so you can start this portion of your life in joy.It doesn't matter how many people are on "your side" at the wedding; in every important way they are ALL on your side. How would your other guests feel if they knew you had purposely invited a person you know to be a pedophile to this event?
Again, I'm sorry things have to be this way, but I applaud your strength in dealing with it.
((( Charity )))
You are loved.
You are a really great mom to protect your family in this way.
A few additional thoughts.
Your Mom and maybe Brother too may try to crash the wedding. You may want to add a security person to the wedding to prevent that.
Not that this would excuse your brother's behavior, but I am wondering if possibly your mother abused him in a similar way, and she is working hard to cover up your brother's behavior so her own bad behavior won't become known as well.
After the wedding when things settle down a bit, it may be worth talking with the police in your brother's area. They may be able to put him under surveilance and catch him with with whichever children he is currently abusing. (Since pedofiles rarely stop themselves, there are probably lots of other past and current victims.) If he is in jail, it should then be possible to put an outside trustee in charge of your mom and her money. Plus when/if he got out, he would be a registered s== offender which would mean that everyone in the neighborhood would be on alert to keep children away.
Also after the wedding, consider if you would like to have a positive mother-daughter or aunt-neice relationship with someone and work toward that. There are often people whose children live far away who would welcome having a sort of DIY local family.
Amaranth, I have thought about the possibility of them crashing the wedding. Fortunately, I am the finance director for our city and I know all of our police officers personally. I intend to have the cell phone numbers of the officers on duty so I can call them if necessary. I'd rather that than calling 911 and going through the county dispatch. I don't want squad cars with lights and sirens racing to the venue. My future son-in-law and his brothers have offered to do the bouncing but that's a really bad idea. That's all I need! After paying for this wedding I'll be fresh out of bail money.
My sister is considering contacting the police when this is over. She's done some research on it. I think that's best left to her. And actually, I have often wondered about my mom's unusually close relationship with my brother and wondered what's behind it. It was a real bone of contention with my father when he was alive. And my grandmother, my mom's mom, talked to me about my mom's obsessive relationship with my brother several years ago. She told me it began when he was little and that no one else mattered but him and it almost broke up my parents marriage. I can recall my mother making soup for my sister and I and my dad and making steak for my brother. That's how blatant this was.
She did try contacting me several times this weekend. I stayed strong. I didn't let mothers day guilt me out.
chrisgermany
5-10-11, 3:31am
Well done so far. We feel with you and hope that the wedding will be fine, with invited guests only.
On the strange relationship between your mom and brother: Some families/mothers are like that. It might be an example of the old prejudice that a son is so much more worth than a daughter and that a husband is nothing more than a tool to get a son. The son cannot do wrong in such mother's eyes. I have watched that several times.
Good for you, Charity. I'm glad Mother's Day wasn't as tough as you'd feared. I'm so glad you and your sister have each other, and I can't believe how dysfunctional your mother and brother are. Enjoy the wedding-it will be about your daughter and your new son-in-law, as it should be. If anyone does ask where your mother is, tell them the truth: she's ill. Other than that, do your best to enjoy the day and to have as great a time as possible.
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