View Full Version : Pain Medication During Childbirth
So my doctor told me to start thinking about what type of pain medication (if any) I am considering using during childbirth come August. So many people have told me so many horror stories that I am now completely terrified. Almost no one has shared a positive birthing experience!
I feel a lot of pressure from the women in my church to do it naturally, but I am not sure if that is the right choice for me. I was wondering if any of you ladies might be willing to share what type of pain relief you chose and if you would go that route again?
I had an epidural and it was wonderful!!
I really don't want to seem like one of "those" women--a battle-ax that pops out a kid and goes back to the field. I just want to present the idea that there are ways to go without medication and not suffer greatly. I had Lamaze back in the day (the 70's and 80s) when I had my kids, and it was great. They basically teach you breathing techniques to manage the pain. I never had an epidural, I never had any kind of spinal block, nothing. Well, I did have a little Demerol after 17 hours of labor with my first, but that was it.
I HIGHLY recommend Lamaze-style classes. They are very, very empowering. Some would say, what are you trying to prove? Why not just take the pain medication and be done with it? You're right--there's nothing wrong with pain medication and it certainly doesn't make you less of a mom. But even if you ARE planning to use medication, Lamaze STILL is a very positive adjunctive therapy. It relaxes you and makes you feel in control, at least in my experience.
I'm going to copy and paste a recent post in the "What Makes You Unique" thread to put my experience in context:
--Baby #1: When the doctor and DH went to get their delivery gowns on, I felt an urge to push, and said to myself, "oh, just one push won't hurt." Then I heard my son crying from the bottom of the table--no one was in the room. Boom. Done.
--Baby #2: Put the stew on the stove for my MIL, asked my BIL to drive me to the hospital, had the baby 20 minutes later. Boom. Done.
--Baby #3: Went to hospital at 9am. Doctor told me to wait, he had surgery. As Bob Barker was announcing the Showcase Showdown, the doc barely had his surgical gloves off in time to catch Cameron. Boom. Done by the time Barker was telling us to have our pets spayed and neutered.
--Baby #4: Knew I was in labor, went to the doctor's office. By the time I got to the examining room, it was time to call an ambulance to get me to the hospital. Told the doctor I had the urge to push. Doc said, "So, push." Baby was born in the ambulance, and the driver told me I almost made childbirth look easy.
No matter what you decide, congratulations and best wishes!!!!
flowerseverywhere
5-19-11, 1:01pm
Epidural for #1, natural for 2 because he was born too fast.
Shame on people for telling you negative stories. Enjoy your pregnancy, the feeling of new life stirring inside you, the wonderful changes that your body is going through to prepare to have a child. This is the most wonderful time in your life, and even if you have a difficult labor, once you see that cute little pink face you will forget everything. If it was so bad no-one would ever have more than one.
don't let other people pressure you to have or not have meds, breast or bottle feed, cloth or diaper among other things. Read as much as you can and make the best decisions for the health and lifestyle of you and your baby.
Bastelmutti
5-19-11, 1:07pm
Can you wait and see? You won't know your pain level and tolerance until you're actually in the thick of it. I also recommend the book "Birthing from Within" - the exercises in that helped me a lot with #2. The author is pretty up-front about labor being called "labor" for a reason, but still giving you ways to deal with it.
Thanks, everyone! I appreciate the non-judgement here.
I realize that labor will be hard work and that there will be pain involved. But I wish women would stop telling me the horrendous stories about severe tearing, massive blood loss, uterus tears, etc. It just scares me (even though I know that those things aren't the norm). I keep telling myself that it can't be *that* bad or else no one would have more than one kid LOL And plus, I think I'll forget all about it when I see her and get to hold her in my arms.
I am taking some classes in the month of June to help me prepare. I do think the breathing techniques will help, and I want to be ready in case I decide not to use pain medication or the situation doesn't allow time for it. I might wait and see what the pain is like, though one lady told me she waited too long and then couldn't get it. After dealing with the pain of a long labor, she was too exhausted to push and then after four hours of trying they ended up doing a c-section. Yikes! That can't be normal, right?
I think part of the reason I am so anxious about it is because it is my first one, and I don't really know what to expect. I want to have a good experience, but I'm totally freaked out by what people (strangers, even!) have been telling me. Thanks, all, for your responses--I already feel better about it. :-)
P.S. Catherine, I would love to have a "Boom. Done." labor like yours! My SIL has those. Like ten minutes start to finish, and then she is a size six again. Jealous!!! LOL
I was in the 'wait and see' category and ended up not using anything either time. Personally I kind of enjoyed the pain through my breathing - it felt like a journey and I was fully aware of my part in it. But then again - I have a very high pain tolerance and I wouldn't begin to tell someone that they were less or more of a person for however they experience their childbirth. I say do what feels right so that you can enjoy the experience.
As a side: They had new student nurses there the night I was having my first baby. They'd been there 4 days and were looking pretty much like deer in headlights. They kept showing up in my room and hanging out. Finally one of them said "We have to tell you how much we're admiring you, you've given us hope that childbirth can be an o.k. experience - we've spent 4 days with a lot of screamers."
Screaming thru the contractions seems to help some people but I never found anything painful enough to scream at - I do remember once I said "Oh, that one hurt." (please remember again, I have a very high pain tolerance.)
I almost forgot but I found out that I'm allergic to iodine/betadine during #1. I ended up with horrible burns all over my 'downthere and backside'. I think that took longer to heal than the 2 stitches I needed. For #2 they did give me a iodine/betadine tag and everytime someone would come into the room we'd have to remind them.
My 2nd, I was so calm that they almost sent me home. They came to check again and discharge me and I said "Here it comes" and they barely caught him.
epidural, as soon as possible.....no need to stress yourself and the baby enduring pain that is so easily relieved.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553381156/inamaygaskina-20
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth gave me very effective techniques to get me through 2 natural childbirths. And an iPod totally cranked up with my favorite tunes. My hubby ended up being more of a DJ vs. birth partner. :cool:
I did as much of my labor at home as I could before going to the hospital - I wanted to be able to move around, etc.
Once I was in the thick of it, I realized there was only one way out and that was through it. I just surrendered to the process and rode the wave. It's a challenge, but doable.
I am almost phobic of hospitals and have major trust issues with modern healthcare systems, so that was my motivation to make it the least medical as possible.
Most people have a fairly normal experience. It's sort of like driving to work. Your 30 coworkers don't walk into the office every morning and announce that they had a perfectly normal drive to work. It's the occasional odd driving experience they talk about.
You can also be thinking of your choices somewhat like cooking as well. Some like all their food raw. Some like it all cooked. Most like a mix. The more cooking skills you have, the more choices you have.
Similarly with labor management, the more skills you have and the more knowledge you have, the easier it will be to consider your current situation and choose the most workable option. There are also exercises that make your last trimester more comfortable and your labor more productive, so double bonus there. The more you practice the possible options, the more automatically you can implement them during labor. It is hard to think during a contraction-- similar to trying to think while sneezing, but if you have a lot of skills at your finger tips, you can think fast between contractions and choose a strategy.
Also talk with your doctor about what options are available at each stage of labor so you will know where the decision windows are.
Also consider your other experiences with pain management. Some people like a small amount of pain meds to take the edge off and then they do fine. Other people can distract themselves with a *really* good book or movie or favorite music and no pain meds, but if they take a small amount of pain meds they can't focus on the book or movie well enough to distract themselves. So knowing how your own body responds can help you a lot here.
The other thing is that the doctors and nurses want you to have a good birthing experience too. So they will offer tips and strategies as you go along based on what has worked successfully for many other moms in similar situations.
It is completely normal to be afraid of all the uncertainty around giving birth for the first time. I guess it could even be considered a rite of passage because there is nothing else that comes close to that experience. Way back when, I took LaMaze classes and did very well with just that. The focused breathing was a great distraction. I mistakenly asked for some pain medication towards the end and boy was that a mistake. They gave me Darvon so I got nauseous and had a baby at the same time. I do recall that minutes after giving birth, I felt unnaturally ecstatic and said to my husband that I couldn't wait to do that again. Hormones I guess. Just remember, that's how we all got here.
Drugs.
Strong.
Early on.
Plenty of them.
Seriously.
And, anyone who has the nerve to try to horrify you or tell you what do do regarding the birth of your very own child deserves something that I am too much of a lady to share. And, I am not much of a lady. Seriously.
Three babies, perineal block for the first because it took some maneuvering to get him out. But other than that, didn't need meds. #2 was quite easy and pleasant, honestly. Even right after she was born, I said that....so it isn't just because it was a pretty long time ago! #3 was long and pretty tough work but it was do-able. I told the nurse I thought I "might want an epidural" because I'd never had one before, and so she said, well, let's see how things go...and every single contraction was okay enough. I guess labour is a place in which you have to remember that you only have to take one contraction at a time. If every I thought something like...."oh, I can't do this for 20 more hours..." I'd be likely to struggle. But you only have to do THIS contraction, then THIS one, then the next...you get the picture, I am sure.
I was very well prepared, with Lamaze practice and Bradley classes. Hospital classes were then and I think even now pretty much a way to indoctrinate you into the particular hospital's methods. So they prepare you to give birth at their hospital, not necessarily prepare you for labour. But you can create a lot of ways to manage. Music, journal with a voice recorder, try different positions, warm bath, etc....not available once you opt for the epidural. Allow yourself to have YOUR birth. And ask people with horror stories to save them for another time. You need to hear about lovely births, not necessarily quick or easy but ones that were just lovely experiences for everyone. There are many...perhaps most are like that. I hope you get connected with people who enjoyed birth!
Best wishes to you. Labour is but a day in your life and the baby's life. Your relationship, which has already begun, will be a result of many days, many experiences together. I wish you great joy in birth and in parenting.
Leslie
after reading all these answers keep in mind that each birth is different, each person is different. I had to be induced for two births and had to wait until dialated to about 7 for my epidural. It was too long and I really thought I was going to die both times. Could not control my breathing because of the pain and was worried that the baby did not get enough air. My sister was a different story, first birth had only 5-6 hours of labor and she had a 5lb baby fairly easy. Next time took a little longer and she did make it to the hospital in time for an epidural. Just keep in mind that nothing is set in stone, if you take the lamaze classes and it does not work, go to plan B. You'll know if you've had enough and if you can handle it. One thing that has not changed in hospitals is that when you make up your mind you need an epidural, it sometimes takes up to an hour to get them in your room and have it administered.
I am a homebirth midwife, so my take is certainly biased :) Please, since you are having a hospital birth, the statements to take drugs right away, as soon as possible...... NO! The C section rate in the country is almost 40% for that reason in part :( The poster who mentioned staying home as long as possible is totally correct, and if you can afford it, hire a doula, who knows your birth plan, and is willing to go to bat for you and your hubby. Often, in the heat of it, you and hubby will say whatever they want to hear, even if you are not sure that is what you want, and it is not on your birth plan... your doula can keep that in perspective, and help you make the right choices. I am obviously an advocate of natural birth, and have read study's that show that babies born after a natural delivery do better immediately after the birth than those who are born as a result of induction, augmentation and medication administered during the delivery. Homebirth midwives use water as our "epidural", it gives you the same relief, but with the advantage of being able to feel your body, and the contractions, to know when to push, to not have a catheter in you bladder, and to not have a plastic catheter in your back etc.... So, if you can find a way to have a water birth, go for it! The Bradley childbirth classes are the best! But... Birthing from within is also a tremendous resource :) Hypnobirthing is also a wonderful class for some people.
If there was one thing I would suggest, apart from the hiring a doula and staying home till the last minute, I would make sure that when your baby is born, that the cord is NOT clamped and cut right away, 40-50% of your babies blood remains in the placenta at that time, and can be the difference between a good transition and not, in homebirth, we typically wait until the placenta separates from the uterine wall before we clamp and cut the cord (this is usually indicated by a small gush of blood).
Having a baby nowadays is such a big thing, and the decisions that we need to make are sometime seemingly overwhelming :( Ultimately, if you go with your gut, and resist intervention, you will do ok! do you research, and feel free to message me with questions and things you are not sure about.
Bastelmutti
5-19-11, 10:11pm
+1 on staying home as long as possible. With #1 I had a traditional hospital birth & with #2 I had a homebirth that turned into a hospital birth. The second was MUCH easier, and the main reason was that I was at home eating food as long as possible and then taking honey for energy when I couldn't eat anymore, plus drinking as necessary. The recovery was much better than the first time when I was not allowed to eat or drink after a certain point. Just a side note!
I had epidurals so I can't say much about natural childbirth, but I have had four relatively easy births. The last one was basically completely painless. I got to 6 centimeters without any pain at all. They broke my water and I had 10 minutes of totally bearable pain before I got the epidural. After that I napped until I was fully dilated, pushed for a few minutes and there he was.
The first three were not too much harder than that.
domestic goddess
5-20-11, 12:08am
Shame on those who insist on telling you their horror stories! I don't know why, but that is just what some people have to do. I got a lot of that, and my "baby" is 30 years old, so this is nothing new. But it is still not encouraging, so don't feel bad for stopping them in their tracks.
I didn't have an epidural; in the 70's you were likely to get a severe headache, and I knew I didn't want that. But my dd had them with both her girls and had no problems, still got up and walked around, and the girls are fine. Do what you think will be best for all of you, and tell your dr. that you want to be told when you are running out of time, if you do, so you can choose to wait until later to have one if you wish. Then do what seems best for you all. Since my dh was leaving the room every little whipstitch "to talk to the dr" (i.e., smoke a cigarette) and I didn't want to be left alone with an epidural being started, it just never came up. Other meds weren't offered because I was induced due to pre-eclampsia, and the dr. didn't want to slow labor down once it had started. Well, we all lived through it, and I don't think anyone was badly scarred by the experience.
Oh, my, I am tired and it is getting late, so I'm off to bed. Good night, all!
I've had 5 home births, so no meds available. With each one, when it got to the point when I didn't think I could make it, well that was the point the baby came. And seconds later I was holding the babe in my arms, and nothing else mattered. All the pain was forgotten, it was empowering, amazing, and miraculous.
Do what's best for you and your baby. When you hear the horror stories, remember, that some people just have to "one-up" you all the time. My-experience-was-so-much-harder-than-yours type of stuff. You'll get it after your baby is born too, constantly comparing milestones. My baby could do somersaults and speak 3 languages fluently at 3 months old...blah, blah, blah. Just ignore them :)
Helps to have a sense of humor. Who was it, on the old boards, who took her baby out and one person chastised her for over-dressing her baby and soon after, another chastised her for under-dressing her baby. That has stuck with me for the longest time. Do what is best for you and your baby :)
I am reminded by these last posts that perhaps one reason my birth #2 was so pleasant is that I stayed home longer than I thought I "should" and was almost 8 cms when I arrived in the birthing room. I sat in the living room, rocking in my rocking chair in the quiet of the pre-dawn house, rocking and singing to myself, and really happy that the baby was coming. If you can focus on the happy part you will probably find the whole process a more comfortable one. And I have to agree with H-work...you'll get as much conflicting advice as possible but you have to create your own path.
I am pretty excited for you, actually...how lovely to be having a baby this summer!
Thanks so much, everyone! I feel so much better after reading your replies. I'm not so disillusioned that I think it will be easy per se, but I feel encouraged that it can be a positive experience.
There really is so much to think about, and I need to find out more about what the local hospital offers in terms of options. I really would like to stay home for as long as possible (I hate hospitals), but I worry that if I stay too long, I won't make it in time or won't have time for pain medication if I decide I want it. I keep telling myself that isn't likely to happen, especially with the first.
I find the human body to be such a cool thing. I never had the desire to bear children of my own. I always wanted to adopt, even when I was a little girl (and still do, down the road). But it was important to DH to try, and now that I am here, I am so happy and wouldn't have it any other way. I just want the experience to be good so that I can look back on her birth fondly.
Thanks again! You have all been a great help!
poetry_writer
5-20-11, 9:00am
I have had two kids "natural". I would advise the epidural. Why hurt if you dont have to?
Hi there,
I haven't read all the posts, but from what I did read, it sounds like you're getting lots of good advice.
My experience: I just had my first baby (at 44!). I have always had a really low pain threshold, and I know several people who did not get an epidural and regretted it, so I decided to do it. I really felt like if I was in a lot of pain that I would be so upset by the time the baby arrived, that I'd be less able to be present for her. As it happened, I had to have an emergency C-section anyway, and many other things went wrong, but my baby came out healthy and that, all along, was all I cared about.
I will say this: I *do* know women who did NOT forget the pain and it really affected their recovery because they felt angry and upset about the experience as a whole, so I don't think it's true that once the baby arrives, you won't care. Some women do.
That said, if I could have done it naturally, if I did have a high pain threshold, I probably would have tried to go without drugs and I know many people who felt completely empowered by their experience of giving birth naturally.
So, obviously, there's no right answer. It comes down to knowing yourself and what you think works for you and not apologizing to anybody about it. I do think a great prenatal class is really vital - ours really helped us.
Another thing: When I was having worries about childbirth, our prenatal teacher said something that really made me feel better. She said that no childbirth experience is perfect, there is always some sense of loss and some sense of how things might have gone better, so try not to blame yourself if things don't go as expected. Just make the best choices you can and try to maintain a sense of humor and a sense of equanimity about whatever transpires. Ultimately, all that matters is that you and the baby are healthy.
Good luck!
Another thing: When I was having worries about childbirth, our prenatal teacher said something that really made me feel better. She said that no childbirth experience is perfect, there is always some sense of loss and some sense of how things might have gone better, so try not to blame yourself if things don't go as expected. Just make the best choices you can and try to maintain a sense of humor and a sense of equanimity about whatever transpires. Ultimately, all that matters is that you and the baby are healthy.
This is a very good perspective, one that we can apply to anything in our life.
Thanks! I've learned so much from this thread and all the different perspectives (which have been presented in a really nice way, I might add--no heat or snark or anything. Awesome!)
@poetry_writer--that is kind of what I think, too!
@ejchase--congrats on your new little one! I like what your prenatal teacher said. There is a lot of truth to it. The baby comes when he/she wants to come, and things happen. You can't control every aspect of his/her arrival--have to roll with the punches a bit!
Like I said, I have had several women of the same faith encourage me to do it naturally. I don't think they mean any harm in doing that. They are great women and terrific moms. I think they had a great experience doing it naturally and want me to have that same experience, too. Only a few people have sort of taken it too far (one of them a man!)--kind of the like the woman who ranted and raved about how I NEED to breastfeed, that I'm basically a bad mother and don't love my baby if I don't. I was already planning to breastfeed by that point, but that whole experience really left a bad taste in my mouth. I guess I just feel like people need to do what it is best for them and shouldn't be made to feel guilty if they choose another way. But sometimes people can be a little judgmental when they feel strongly that their way is best.
I think one thing that is going to be hard for me is the rolling-with-the-punches aspect. I am kind of tightly wound; I like things to be planned out and go according to that plan. But childbirth isn't one of those things that will necessarily go according to plan. ;-) I have to learn to be okay with that if that happens and things change. I really might have to adopt a wait and see attitude with pain relief, which would be hard for me (the not knowing, nothing-set-in-stone aspect, I mean).
I have been thinking about this lately despite not wanting children for another couple of years. I've become addicted to a show here that documents the experiences of patients in a labour ward in a hospital. Many of the women start off with gas & air (nitrous oxide, I believe) during the first stages of labour. During the later stages, some women - even those who swore they'd resist any pain relief! - opt for an epidural. I'm not sure what other types of pain relief are available. Many of the women choose not to have anything or by the time they want the pain relief, it's too late and they have to take the natural route!
In an ideal situation, I wouldn't want anything apart from the gas & air. I want to learn about breathing, relaxation and consciousness techniques like the other ladies have mentioned in this thread, since I feel I am quite in tune with my body. We'll see how that goes though when it all gets underway!!!!
Be confident in whatever you decide and I hope you and baby are both happy and healthy at the end of it!
leslieann
5-21-11, 12:20pm
Kat,
In reading what you wrote about being a bit tightly-wound, wanting-things-planned-out-in-advance kind of person, I thought that child-rearing (having a baby and being a parent) is going to be a wonderful opportunity for you to grow into other ways of being in the world. Childbirth really asks us to surrender...not to submit, but to surrender to life as it is unfolding, and for many of us, that presents a challenge a lot bigger and more profound than the physical challenge of giving birth. Being a parent can open you up to being with things-as-they-are, even though some of us are dragged kicking and screaming into that reality!
I can so relate to wanting to KNOW, to having everything ALL NAILED DOWN and the ungrounded feeling that can come with the unknowable. It is a great opportunity to really practice faith...in yourself, in your family and the helpers you have chosen, and the universe that has given you this opportunity. Like a lot of "great opportunities," though, it may not be easy!
Best wishes!
Leslie
Kat, I totally understand how you feel about the judgement. I experienced a lot of that when I had my first too. I couldn't breastfeed her and I felt like such a failure.
The best advice I heard was from my sister's grandma-in-law. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to work. That applies to so many situations with parenthood. Whether you decide to have an epidural or not, whether you breastfeed or not, whether you use cloth diapers, disposables or EC, whether you use a crib, a bassinet, a dresser drawer or beds are, you have a lucky baby. She has a mom and dad who love her.
If you have Netflix I would recommend the movie Babies. It's a documentary that follows four babies in different parts of the world through their first year of life. Their circumstances are wildly different, but they are all happy healthy babies. I think you might like it.
loosechickens
5-21-11, 2:30pm
don't have anything to add on the childbirth issue, since I had my kids back in the dark days of the fifties and early sixties, when you labored in the labor room by yourself, and when the process moved along, they just put you to sleep and you woke up a Mom......but I CAN really recommend the documentary Babies.......just a wonderful piece and an excellent example of what babies need is love and attention and all the rest of the stuff really is extra and sometimes not even necessary or desirable. Plus it was just FUN to watch those little beings exploring their worlds, all over the world.
Wildflower
5-21-11, 5:17pm
I had natural childbirth with my kids in the late 70's and early 80's. I will honestly say now that if an epidural had been an option back then I would have gladly had one. I still remember the intense pain and I recall it as being very traumatic and shocking everytime. Not trying to scare you - just my own personal experience. Truly I would have had one more child if not for my bad birthing experiences. I just could not bring myself to go through it one more time. Back then it was do it natural or you were a failure....
It is wonderful that women have more choices now in childbirth. Do what is best for you and baby. Everyone's experience is different I think. The most important thing is having a healthy baby that arrives safely. Accomplishing that is the ultimate ecstatic high in life - at least it was for me. :)
All four of my pregnancies resulted in natural births (hospital), the first two were semi-intense and they definitely had their moments (epidural both times)..., my last two were almost surreal easy (no epidural).
Isn't it a shame that all of us SL moms can't congregate IRL (bedside/home) and band-together for each at times of need. (If I could I would be there for you Kat).
it is entirely your personal choice, but I'll share my story. :)
I had a completely pain-free, pleasurable and orgasmic labor and birth.
I had an unassisted pregnancy and childbirth, and while I think it greatly contributed to my experience, I cannot say that it is the only factor. I think the primary contribution was feeling uninhibited -- i could do whatever i felt i needed to do, without comment or an audience, from sounds and movements, with out any interruption for tests or observations.
That being said, I do believe that pleasurable childbirth is possible for most women, particularly if you have good stress management skills (because it is work, and that can be stressful, but work can also be very pleasurable and painless, even though there is effort involved), and if you have a general belief that it is possible.
I would recommend looking up things like Hypnobirthing/hypnobabies -- which is a great technique for stress management -- and also orgasmic childbirth (there are both books and films available).
And, to be honest, every doctor and midwife whom I know tells me -- to this day -- that i "shouldn't have" had a pleasurable birth.
My son was born posterior ("sunny side up" or facing up when born). This presentation generally causes back labor, the most painful kind of labor, and usually goes on for many hours (my labor was 24 hrs start to finish. most hospitals would c-section a posterior before then -- or suggest it at least).
My labor did last exactly 24 hrs. The first 8 were orgasmic -- literally lots and lots of orgasms. very nice. The next 12 were deeply restful. I spent that time on my knees (wide apart in a v-shape, sitting on my heels), and leaning forward into my chair -- mostly looking out the window, meditating, and sleeping. Then there were 2 hrs in a tub with candlelight just enjoying the heat and relaxing. Then 2 remaining hours of screaming in a specific pattern and doing a specific pattern of back-bending movements (if you know yoga, it was camel pose, upward dog, hands and knees pushing back toward "child's pose" but never getting hips to heels).
If i did those movements and the screaming in the specific tonal pattern, it felt amazing. If i did anything else, it hurt.
The ironic thing is that every doctor/midwife whom I speak to tells me that they would not have "allowed" me to do that for so long, that they would be worried about the baby, etc.
I never pushed, I was never in pain. I just did what my body lead me to do.
I was hoarse for several days after. :D Oh, and my crotch hurt, you know, from birthing. :D But that was it.
So, I don't know what your hospital and doctor's policies are, but I do agree about waiting to the last minute if possible to go in, and then just see what you can do from there. I know most hospitals don't want women doing back bends on hands and knees while giving birth, you know?
no doubt I would have been in pain if i'd had to follow rules.
which is partly why i chose to UC -- no rules.
Many thanks to you again, ladies! I am so glad that I have a community of women to talk to about this. I have loved reading from all the different perspectives and have learned a lot, too (orgasmic labor? I have never in my life even heard of that! Interesting...)
@leslieann--you are right. There is nothing wrong with being a planning type of person, but I do need to learn a little flexibility and patience. DH is a total fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy, so I have loosened up some and am better than I used to be. But I think parenting in general will really help me to stretch and grow as a person.
@stella and loosechickens--that Babies movie has been on my Netflix list forever. I need to make watching that a priority, I think. I have just heard wonderful things about it from everyone who has seen it!
@Wildflower--I do appreciate the honesty. I know many women who say they forgot the pain when the baby was born. But I also know women who remember it vividly, would never do it again, and look back at the birth of their child as a negative experience overall. Not that they don't love their child, but you know what I mean? Like, they don't have any positive memories associated with the birth. I don't want that, and that is part of the reason I am considering pain medication if I feel like I need it.
I know I already said this, but I really feel so much better about all of this. This group is the best!
It is very interesting to read everyone's stories.
I was well prepared for natural childbirth with Bradley classes, but ended up with a 40 hour labor and a C-section. DD was "stuck" on a large fibroid that the doctors just hadn't seen and would not have come out on her own. I got the epidural at about 30 hours so I could sleep a little (the pain was not terrible at that time, but I was exhausted).
One thing I might have done differently was to hire a doula. DH was a great partner but he got tired too, and it would have been great to have additional support. I would also add, have a vision for what you want your ideal birth to be, but be ready to go with the flow and absolutely do not feel bad if things do not go perfectly.
best thing you can do is read some good books about childbirth and take some classes about natural childbirth. even if you choose the medicated route, or end up with a c-section, knowing the facts ahead of time will be so good for you.
I chose to have my first 2 at home with a midwife, and for the 3rd we went to the hospital because we found a doctor who would support our choices. this was in the 80s in rural america, so choices were pretty limited in the hospital at that time. it did hurt, and if i were to do it again i would do it that way, as my opinion is that the labor is faster and healthier if the mom is up and walking until the last stage of pushing. but i judge no one for what they choose. I also refuse to tell horror stories.
either i lived in a bubble in the 80s, or people these days are telling a lot more horror stories, cause i see a huge increase in it. and its in a histrionic way, like it belongs on one of those loud and ridiculous talk shows. i hate that.
I wasn't offered pain medication, having given birth in South Africa in the early 1980s, and I would taken it in a flash. Both of my deliveries were traumatic, and 31 years on I have not forgotten the pain and the exhaustion, which in both cases interfered with my bonding with my infant. I will spare you the gruesome details! Talk over your choices with your doctor, and prepare that way too. Find out when you could have what if you find yourself overwhelmed. Ask your doctor about the width of your pelvic girdle; the narrower this is, the more pain you're likely to experience. The shape of your pelvis also makes a difference; if your hip girdle flares outward from top to bottom, there'll be less resistance than if your hip bones are roughly straight from top to bottom. Did you know anthropologists can tell how many children a woman birthed, just from the skeleton? They count the scars on the pubis! The looser your ligaments, the easier the birth - there's a lot of stretching going on during the delivery. I second the idea of hiring a doula; one of my new friends is a doula, and she tells me there are many things a doula can do to ease pain.
I have a different perspective on the horror stories: I think they may seem histrionic at times because the women that tell them are rebelling against going along with the conventional wisdom which is that once your baby arrives, the pain won't matter. I think it's a good sign that women feel safe or liberated enough now to say, "Hey, that's not how it was for me." There is so much pressure to pretend every moment of the labor and delivery was ecstatic and wonderful.
My sister had such a bad experience with her first labor (she took the epidural too late, I think) that she said when they put her son on her stomach, she thought, "You were not worth it." Now, of course, the sun rises and sets on that son of hers, but at the time, she felt nothing. When she says that to people, many of course are horrified. I understand it in one way because so many people never are able to have a healthy baby and those of who are should feel incredibly grateful, but at the same time, I think it's positive that women with those kinds of experiences are sharing them. We owe it to other women.
One of the best things someone said to me when I was pregnant was that I was about to experience an incredible love like no other, but that I shouldn't be worried if the bonding didn't happen instantly. And as it was, though I was awestruck by my baby from the beginning, for the first few weeks she was sort of like a tyrannical boss I desperately wanted to please but was always dissapointing. It was about six weeks before I felt the intense, indescribable love I'd heard so many mothers talk about.
I really think so many of the romantic ideas of motherhood we hear (that the joy of seeing your baby for the first time will erase the memory of labor, that your love for your baby will make every sleepless night and blouse ruined from spit-up seem trivial by comparison) can be really damaging. Women experience motherhood in so many different ways, and I think it's really important we all be honest about our experience and not be ashamed if it doesn't fit those romantic ideas.
Oh! One more thing: one thing I wasn't prepared for was that all the nurses in the hospital encouraged me to have an epidural. In my case, that was fine, since I was planning on taking one anyway, but I think that would have been hard if I was trying not to. So if you are going to try for natural birth, be sure to put in your birth plan that you don't want anyone to offer you an epidural - or else be prepared to deal with them when they do.
You gotta wonder about those women who just can't seem to resist telling horror stories to first-time mothers-to-be. They're as eternal as birth itself, but they really need to GROW UP!!
Kat, I think the biggest thing it comes down to is where you focus. Childbirth is hard, messy, painful work, but so, so rewarding. I had three difficult births, and despite Lamaze preparation etc., I ended up having to have epidurals. What helped me most was knowing that no matter how hard, no matter how painful, it wouldn't last for very long. Being a mother to this wonderful new person, however, would last forever. I know I tore badly with my first - actually the result of the doctor trying too hard to avoid an epesiotomy when it was indicated - but frankly I barely remember either the inconvenience, or the pain of healing. I was too busy marveling. My third labor was in some ways a nightmare - an oversize baby and an undersized pelvis should have sent me straight to a C-section but the doctor wasn't paying attention until too late - but what I remember most clearly is that moment when my squirming son was laid on my tummy while they waited for the placenta to deliver and I saw him for the first time and said "Hello, Justin." The warmth and welcome weight of my new son are much more clear memories than the hours of extremely difficult labor. I remember some of the delivery-room drama, but it all faded instantly next to the image of my husband shading my son's eyes from the bright lights and soothing him quietly and calling him by name.
Try not to worry about the process - meds/no meds, episiotomy or not, hospital/no hospital, sooner/later, pain, risks - too much. Prepare in the way that seems best to you, make a plan for how you want things to go and a contingency plan "just in case," then trust yourself to handle what comes. Give yourself permission to go with the flow and make changes on the fly if needed. Decide what's important to you, and don't worry about anyone else's opinion about those choices. Listen to your instincts: if you feel doubts about the doctor or the facility, explore those and make a decision rather than simply suppress them. Know yourself, whether you tend to be assertive or passive, and choose your supports accordingly so that your plan goes as much the way you want as possible. Then, let go of worrying too much about it, and just think about that moment when your beautiful baby will be in your arms and you can say hello. (And experience the relief of being able to call your liver and your bladder your own again, instead of baby punching bags... lol.)
The thing about humans is that we most value what we work hardest for. I was scared before my first (of the unknown) and almost as nervous with the next two (of the known!), but I had decided that whatever happened, whatever it took, was a price I was willing to pay to bring life into this world. It was literally a labor of love. And that's the main memory I've carried forward. The rest, for me, was really just details. And I'll take even the toughest memories of those births over what my mother's generation usually experienced: total unconsciousness.
!Splat!
I have a different perspective on the horror stories: I think they may seem histrionic at times because the women that tell them are rebelling against going along with the conventional wisdom which is that once your baby arrives, the pain won't matter. I think it's a good sign that women feel safe or liberated enough now to say, "Hey, that's not how it was for me." There is so much pressure to pretend every moment of the labor and delivery was ecstatic and wonderful.
My sister had such a bad experience with her first labor (she took the epidural too late, I think) that she said when they put her son on her stomach, she thought, "You were not worth it." Now, of course, the sun rises and sets on that son of hers, but at the time, she felt nothing. When she says that to people, many of course are horrified. I understand it in one way because so many people never are able to have a healthy baby and those of who are should feel incredibly grateful, but at the same time, I think it's positive that women with those kinds of experiences are sharing them. We owe it to other women.
One of the best things someone said to me when I was pregnant was that I was about to experience an incredible love like no other, but that I shouldn't be worried if the bonding didn't happen instantly. And as it was, though I was awestruck by my baby from the beginning, for the first few weeks she was sort of like a tyrannical boss I desperately wanted to please but was always dissapointing. It was about six weeks before I felt the intense, indescribable love I'd heard so many mothers talk about.
I really think so many of the romantic ideas of motherhood we hear (that the joy of seeing your baby for the first time will erase the memory of labor, that your love for your baby will make every sleepless night and blouse ruined from spit-up seem trivial by comparison) can be really damaging. Women experience motherhood in so many different ways, and I think it's really important we all be honest about our experience and not be ashamed if it doesn't fit those romantic ideas.
Great perspective. The worst thing you can do is try to fit yourself and your experience to anyone else's (or even your own) expectations of what you "should" have felt or experienced.
The bonding doesn't exactly "erase" the memory of the pain and effort, so much as it changes the importance your mind places on it in comparison. And that may not happen instantly. For me it pretty much did, but that may have been as much because I had made a conscious choice to make it so as anything else. Plus the fact that my mind happens to work in a way that let that work. (YMMV)
It isn't the romantic ideas that makes motherhood worthwhile - it's dealing with the unromantic spit-up-on blouses and the clockwork colic and poopy diapers in between the radiant smiles and the unbelievable cuteness, that builds something that lasts. And it's okay to be whole and real and admit that sometimes, when 2:00 am comes around and you're dealing with a screaming infant again, just sometimes, you fantasize about raffling off your little bundle of joy. For peanuts. That just means you're fairly normal and healthy rather than a cardboard martyr. And babies need the real kind, not the fantasy variety.
Lots of superb reading here.
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