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screamingflea
5-21-11, 8:33pm
So ... yup.

It was about a week and a half ago. It's been a long time since I've lost anyone, so the grieving process has been kind of an adventure for me. I've been numbed out for several days. Called off work several times, can't eat much. We were very close. It's just not going to be the same without my favorite partner in crime.

Kestra
5-21-11, 8:42pm
I'm so sorry to hear that. Really, there are no adequate words. Please know that you have many friends here and can post whatever you need to here.

Rosemary
5-21-11, 8:59pm
I send condolences for your loss. The pain your friend must have been experiencing must have been dreadful. How very sad for all her family and friends. Sending you peaceful, healing thoughts.

ejchase
5-21-11, 9:01pm
I lost a friend this way about fifteen years ago and remember how painful it was.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please stay in touch with us here and let us know what kind of support you need.

Stella
5-21-11, 9:07pm
Hugs! That is horrible. Suicide is such an awful way to lose someone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

kally
5-21-11, 9:15pm
I am sorry for you. It is a terrible thing to have happen.

rosarugosa
5-21-11, 9:27pm
Sorry SF, that's truly tragic, and I send you my sympathy.

Anne Lee
5-21-11, 9:32pm
How tragic. I'm so terribly sorry. :(

fidgiegirl
5-21-11, 9:51pm
((((flea))))

Zoebird
5-21-11, 9:54pm
I, too, am very sorry for your loss. This is the third or fourth one i've heard about recently. It's very sad.

redfox
5-21-11, 10:21pm
Suicide is so hard to talk about and understand - it's a huge, huge loss. I am so sorry you lost you partner in crime, and especially to suicide.

Here's an amazing organization I recommend, as there are chapters everywhere. I went to Survivors of Suicide meetings with a dear friend when her sister killed herself. It's meant for friends and family who are left behind... may you find support and love from others in your friend's life.

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

catherine
5-21-11, 10:23pm
My sympathies as well, screamingflea, as you deal with this tragedy.

Gina
5-21-11, 10:32pm
I'm very sorry about your loss. I lost a partner in crime a number of years ago to cancer. It's never easy to lose a good friend.

Kat
5-21-11, 10:45pm
(((screamingflea))) I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, as will the rest of your friend's loved ones.

danna
5-21-11, 10:50pm
Please take care of yourself...sending hugs....

loosechickens
5-21-11, 11:46pm
Oh, Flea.....I'm so sorry. For your friend, who felt live not worth living, and for you, who lost your friend. We lost a friend to suicide some years ago, and know just how hard it is for those left behind. Know that you have a community here that cares, and is sending you warm cyberhugs and caring thoughts.

Juds
5-22-11, 2:06am
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Take care and lots of warm wishes.

leslieann
5-22-11, 8:53am
((((flea)))))). Good for you for recognizing your need for some time off. What a big loss, and what a lot of feelings might be going on inside you. Try not to beleaguer yourself with "what ifs." What a difficult thing that must be to sit with...please do remember that you need lots of good care right now. I hope you have someone to sit with to help you process this.

Wishing you space to hold all of your feelings and the knowledge that there is light.

Leslie

Sad Eyed Lady
5-22-11, 8:58am
Untimely death is always so tragic and hard. Keep the good memories.

SiouzQ.
5-22-11, 10:52am
So sorry for your loss Flea; please take care of yourself as you grieve...

Florence
5-22-11, 11:13am
So ... yup.

It was about a week and a half ago. It's been a long time since I've lost anyone, so the grieving process has been kind of an adventure for me. I've been numbed out for several days. Called off work several times, can't eat much. We were very close. It's just not going to be the same without my favorite partner in crime.

I'm so sorry. Do try to take care of yourself during this time of grief.

Amaranth
5-22-11, 12:07pm
Sad to hear of the loss of your friend, flea. To me one of the hard things about this loss is that not only did you lose him, but you lost a person you could have turned to for comfort in a loss like this.

screamingflea
5-22-11, 4:04pm
Thanks everyone. I think (I hope) I'm through the worst of it. It helps a lot that my boss and coworkers have been very understanding and patient.

He was a founding member of my bipolar support group, and he suffered with it more than anyone else I've ever known. He's attempted at least half a dozen times before, and been hospitalized more than 40 times in his 31 years. I understand and thoroughly respect his need to lay down his arms, whether he intended a total surrender or a temporary stand-down. I get that. I've been there myself, more times than I can count.

He was brilliant, a very highly paid IT specialist for the Army. He had the most gorgeous and intriguing tattoos, a flamboyant sense of adventure that took him hiking and scuba diving all over the world, and a palate that would put any five-star chef to shame. He had a wonderful and irrepressible sense of humor - often when I'd visit him in the hospital he'd laugh at himself about the indignity of having his stomach pumped; he had a collection of more than 50 goofy novelty tee shirts and a solid track record of practical jokes and pranks to his credit. We were friends for about 5 years and I can't think of a single person who disliked him.

And he was fiercely dedicated to our shared mission of improving the quality of life for people with mental illness. He lobbied, he sat on the Board of our support group, he visited strangers in the hospital. He facilitated discussion groups. He took over the chairmanship of the Board after I moved away. As popular as he was in the group, I'm terrified at the prospect of contagion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copycat_suicide).

All the seething emotions one is expected to course through in grief have subsided into a low-grade depression. Rather than fight it I've decided to wallow as hard as I can, hopefully to squeeze it out of my system. No housekeeping, stacks of bad movies on DVD, and mountains of crap food. My long distance from that circle of friends is a double-edged sword. I desperately wish I could be with them for mutual support, but it would be way too much for me to be surrounded by all the reminders - his house, the sushi joint we went to, our favorite hiking trails, all that. I deliberately skipped the funeral service because I knew I couldn't possibly handle it. I regretted it at the time, but with a little perspective I know I made exactly the right call. I may go back and visit in a month or two.

I've had a terrible time lining up any kind of help for me - the local Suicide Survivors group called me with 30 minutes notice to make it to a monthly meeting two cities and two exurbs away by bus. I went to another bizarro support group where everyone went on for 20 minutes b1tching about the latest jello commercial (?!?) And I can't seem to get in to a real therapist within the next couple weeks. Whatever. In the short term I'm a passionate believer in the power of bad 1950s monster movies, and donuts and pancakes. It's seen me though many times before.

I thank you all for the kind thoughts.

poetry_writer
5-22-11, 5:00pm
I am so very sorry for your loss.

Mrs-M
5-22-11, 6:43pm
Thoughts and prayers.

lhamo
5-22-11, 7:13pm
So sorry, flea. We're all here if/when you need extra support. Not the same as if we were in real time/real place, but maybe we can help yo get through this.

lhamo

bke
5-23-11, 10:31am
Screamingflea,

I wish there were words I could offer that would make this time easier for you. Your friend sounds like an amazing person and I am truely sorry for your loss.

Please know that we are here to "listen" and help in any way possible.

Float On
5-23-11, 10:49am
I'm so sorry.

redfox
5-23-11, 1:03pm
That sucks about the local SOS group not being there for you. I am sorry. Do you have a crisis clinic in your area in case you have an immediate need for support? And blessings on getting into therapy. I know the contagion issue, and I like how you're thinking ahead, and about self-care and prevention. Are you isolating too much? We don't know each other personally, and that's a rather personal question... just want to make sure you're safe, especially until you can get connected to a therapist.

beckyliz
5-23-11, 1:11pm
I just want to add my condolences, Screamingflea. Your remembrance of your friend is beautiful, thanks for sharing it with us. Hugs, sweetie.

Gardenarian
5-23-11, 4:40pm
He sounds like a great guy. I'm so sorry Flea. Grief works in mysterious ways.

jennipurrr
5-23-11, 5:11pm
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

screamingflea
5-24-11, 1:38am
I just had a long talk with a friend Back East. It seems that another dear one from my social Inner Circle is very much on the edge. From the little I understand she was on the edge before we lost my first friend, but his suicide has been very detrimental to her well-being. We're circling the wagons as we did with the first gentleman. But I have a horrible sinking feeling.

margene
5-24-11, 9:23am
very sorry scramingflea. My sister died a little over two months ago. As it is getting easier, I still want to pick up the phone and call her all the time. Reach out to mutual friends. That's what helped me.

mira
5-24-11, 4:38pm
My thoughts are with you. x

daisy
5-24-11, 4:39pm
I'm so sorry, flea.

babr
5-29-11, 6:16am
thinking of you
Kris

redfox
5-29-11, 11:23am
I just had a long talk with a friend Back East. It seems that another dear one from my social Inner Circle is very much on the edge. From the little I understand she was on the edge before we lost my first friend, but his suicide has been very detrimental to her well-being. We're circling the wagons as we did with the first gentleman. But I have a horrible sinking feeling.

It's not unusual for one suicide to spark another - miserable, depressed people who have thought about it can perceive someone else's suicide as a success. PLEASE call your area community mental health clinic. Circling the wagons should include mental health professionals who can open up more resources for your friend.

My sister is a MHP, licensed by the state to determine if someone is legally detainable in the hospital for a 72 hour hold. She meets with the person who is struggling and listens to them, talks with family and doctors, and finds a way for this person to get the support and medical help they need to live. Being hospitalized for mental health reasons saves lives. Depression is treatable!

I know you likely know all this. I hope you take care of yourself too.

Wildflower
5-29-11, 11:09pm
flea, I'm so sorry you've lost your friend. Hugs.

saguaro
5-30-11, 11:26am
I also want to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend. I suddenly lost my best friend a couple of years ago, although not in the same way (motorcycle accident). I still feel the loss today but resolved to focus on the good memories and relish the good things in my life.

Feel the loss but let your friend's memory sustain and inspire you.

early morning
5-30-11, 10:57pm
(((flea))) I'm so sorry. . .

Charity
5-31-11, 3:35pm
I am so sorry for your loss screamingflea. I'm sending ((((hugs)))) your way.