View Full Version : Frustrated with DH who is too generous with others
This has been an ongoing problem in all the years I've been with DH.
For many years, no matter how bad our finances were, he insisted on always paying for lunch when he would go out with his friends. He has gone out with 2 friends (2 different lunches) every week for years, and for many, many years, he has paid for everyone's lunch.
I always wondered why his one friend always gave us a huge basket of stuff at Christmas.....until I found out it was probably because DH had always paid for his lunch every week.
When I found out several years ago that he was always paying, I insisted that his friends help pay. So now (supposedly) they take turns paying every other week.
Also, we live about 25 miles from DH's work. These other friends live right in town. Yet, DH has driven them both to lunches all these years. He goes to their house or work and picks them up, drives to the restaurant, drives them back, then he drives back to his job.
Recently, I insisted that they share in the driving too. Supposedly, they alternate now, but I know DH hates to ask them to drive. And I hate checking up on him. He drives an SUV because its the only way he can get to work in the winters, and his mileage is unfortunately, pretty low.
What's wrong with sharing?? Why does he have to be the one to do everything all the time? His sister is the same way, and even though it makes her look very generous, sometimes it bugs the heck out of me.
And it also pisses me off that his friends allowed him to pay and drive all the time. Wouldn't you just automatically feel like you should help??
I suppose if we were rich it wouldn't bother me, but when we're struggling to pay bills, pay the kids' college, have debt, etc., etc., etc., why wouldn't you think about the money you're losing by paying and driving for others all the time?
I've tried many times talking to DH about this, but he's very stubborn about some things. He hates confrontations so much that he will bend the truth to avoid having me yell at him..........which is another extremely frustrating issue.
He never thinks that little things add up.......but they do. And they can make a big difference in the money you have later.
Okay. That's enough venting for now.
Thanks for listening.
Maybe it's because it makes him happy to treat his friends.
I'd be concerned about making him sad by taking it away.
This is why my husband and I have a "yours, mine, and ours" system, and do not pool everything 100%. It simply is not worth the damage to our relationship. This way, all the bills and debts get paid first, and we both have our own "personal money" that we can choose to spend on whatever we wish, without having to justify it to each other. If your husband wishes to spend "his money" on his friends/gas/etc., then he can -- but when he runs up short at the end of the month, he may think twice about how he allocated his own funds, and adjust accordingly. There is no bending the truth, no confrontations in this system, and no yelling. (Not to mention the fact that if anyone told me how to spend my own hard-earned money, I'd tell them to take a hike) Perhaps you should give it a whirl.
Alan....but at what point does our debt come into the equation? There's lots of things I'd like that would make me happy too, but I understand that we can't always have what makes us happy all the time, if there are other issues hanging over us.
puglogic.....DH doesn't mind building up the credit card. Even if we were going bankrupt, he would still continue spending on the things that make him "happy". Your idea is a good one. It might be a little hard to figure out how much each of us gets, but its a good suggestion to try. DH isn't concerned about debt. He sort of lives for the moment. I'm the one that tries to prepare for the future and get our debt down.
I'll give the "allowance" a good think-over.
Thanks you two!
Alan....but at what point does our debt come into the equation? There's lots of things I'd like that would make me happy too, but I understand that we can't always have what makes us happy all the time, if there are other issues hanging over us.
Debt definately has to come into the equation somewhere, and that's for the two of you to decide.
I have a relative that measures his own self worth by what he is able to do for others. When he is unable to do the things that are important to him, he feels lessened by his inabilities. If that is the case with your husband, I'd think it best to consider that not all costs involve money, his feelings of self worth have to be a part of the balance sheet.
Or maybe he just doesn't have a realistic sense of the value of money. In that case, carry on.
I appreciate that perspective alan. I'll try to keep that in mind.
Thanks. :)
I can totally, totally sympathize, CathyA. I doubt I could tolerate a spouse who ran up the credit cards without a thought about how they'll get paid off, especially in these precarious times. It goes against my simple nature. This is where some sort of written budget agreement -- with discretionary spending amounts for both of you -- can be a lifesaver and a marriage saver. Wishing you luck in finding a way that honors his desire to be/appear generous, AND your desire to keep your family financially safe.
Thanks puglogic,
Don't get me wrong......he works really, really hard. It sort of a puzzle to me why he would let it go so easily. But he does work VERY hard, and I admire him for that.
Wow, Cathy, this is definitely a page out of my DH play book. It drives me crazy. And you're right, if I felt we had an equitable arrangement for paying debt and meeting financial goals, I don't care who he gives his money to. But we don't. We are (well, I am) working on paying down all kinds of debts and business loans so we can START saving (and we're in our late 50s--no urgency there!), but then he'll buy strangers drinks, or insist on paying EVERY bill when we dine out with friends. I had one couple who got mad at him because it got to the point where it was nearly insulting that this couple was never "allowed" to reciprocate DH's generosity.
I think it has to do with him feeling he has to buy love. I've told him a million times that people love him for who he is, and that he doesn't have the right to short-change his family by being a big shot with his friends, but he doesn't get it. At our age, I don't think he ever will.
same problem with my husband anytime anyone asks for a donation or a loan, he gives the money up. We also have our finances separate, yous, mine, ours. We both contribute to one account for paying monthly bills.
I would love to have the money back that he has given away or wasted on cigerettes........or cds.....or beer in the early years of our marriage. I am very tired, at this point of being the one who saves and who has to pay when we have unexpected costs for things like heating/ac unit, an appliance, etc. Just does not seem fair to me and if looking for a mate now, I would be on the lookout for someone who is more like me.
Sounds a lot like friends of mine. The husband loves to treat all his grown and employed kids to dinner, vacations, air tickets, etc. The wife likes to spoil the grandkids (even more than the parents want her to do). He recently retired due to being laid off and has not been able to adjust to significantly reduced income. It is probably 30-40% of what it was before and his expenses for house and cars, etc. are the same. Big problem for the relationship as they both have almost stopped speaking to each other.
We have given them Quicken and explained how we handle our finances (allowances to each) and how long we have done it. Both of them dislike the idea of controls so we have decided to step back and let them, as grown ups, decide what to do. So sad.
I think I have to agree that there are some who need to play the big shot and buy love from others. This probably won't change. However, I would be more concerned if the two of you agreed on a budget and then he ignored it by charging lunches. If you go to an allowance system, then you can't complain about how he spends his. It really is a marriage saver. But make your allowances in cash because he doesn't seem to get that charging things have to be paid off.
You might really need to make a case for cutting up your cards.
As to the finances: separate your finances, including credit cards. Get a post-nup that stipulates that each of you is responsible for any individual debt accumulation.
As to the friendships: your husband is an adult and can choose his own driving patterns, including driving others to and from lunch. And once your finances are separate (see above) he can spend his money however he wants, with no need to report to you.
chrisgermany
5-26-11, 3:29am
Thank god in Germany it is rather the standard to pay for your own food and not to invite the whole table.
Waiters are used to it and it never creates an issue for them to calculate.
It is ok to invite your friends out if there is an event like round birthday but everybody would know upfront that it is an invitation.
I would feel very uncomfortable if someone goes to lunch with me and then pays the whole thing unless (it is a legitimate business expense for him or) there is the understanding that the next time I would be responsible for the bill.
Maybe it's because it makes him happy to treat his friends.
I'm with Alan. You're frustrated because your husband is generous... it seems to be a way in which he extends friendship. I wonder if you're actually not frustrated with him, but worried about money. What is the core issue? What is the dream you've got that you feel his spending is getting in the way of?
Neither of you are wrong - you're different. The core of any disagreement, IMHO, is that the core values which are being expressed in behavior by each are not what's talked about. He loves treating people, and being generous. Wonderful! You love managing debt and saving. Also wonderful!
They can co-exist, once you both are able to get to the dreams you have - my therapist friend calls it the dream within the dream. How is he meeting his dreams by being kind, giving and generous? How are you meeting your dreams by being fugal and saving? Where do your dreams intersect?
Either of you insisting that your adult partner change seems disrespectful to me. Listen to him express his heartfelt values behind his behavior. Ask him to listen to yours. Meet each other - listen, and then you can co-create some shared dreams that you both agree upon, and doesn't take insisting, judging, being frustrated, angry, to happen.
This isn't a logic-spreadsheet-post nup agreement issue; it's a core values issue. I bet you have way more in common than not, and that once you each feel heard for your hopes & fears, you can co-create some as-yet unthought of solutions.
Redfox, I agree that THE issue is not a logic-spreadsheet-post nup agreement "issue," but rather was suggesting that some couples find it helpful to do such an agreement so that each person can clearly outline their individual goals and intentions, be it financial or otherwise. For some couples (some, not all) it can be helpful to untangle finances so that other emotional aspects of the relationship do not get worked on through the control (either spending or not) of money. There are so many options, I was simply proposing one.
I do think that sometimes things written down can help remind people of the "contract" of the said promise.
DH has always had problems spending. Don't get me wrong, he has earned alot of money over the years and has worked extremely hard......but then he loses alot of it over in-attention and realizing how quickly money can slip out of our hands, if we're not paying attention.
I think its wonderful when people can be generous........but not if your own family is struggling to pay their bills. I think we would be in deep debt, if I wasn't watching his spending.
I also wonder about people who seem to be obsessed with being the one that does things for people. I think its important to know how to receive too, and not just give. I think it can be a form of control at times.
Redfox.....I like what you said, but you must have the perfect marriage! :)
It seems to me that many times, change is important in resolving some issues. Wanting a partner to change in some area, I don't think is being disrespectful.
I do appreciate everyone's perspectives!
Wildflower
5-27-11, 5:17am
Constantly doing for others can come from a generous, kind heart, but often times it's a sign of low self esteem - a feeling that they must do for others or they won't "like" them. I have dealt with this problem with my DH for many years now. He is way too generous to people that don't even deserve it, and yes, he does have alot more friends than I do, because I don't and won't cater to people like he does. I know some of these "friends" of his wouldn't bother with him if he didn't do so much for them. But I always remind myself that one of the main reasons I fell in love with him in the first place was his sensitive and kind heart. *sigh* Sometimes the qualities you love the most in a person are also the ones that drive you crazy.....
flowerseverywhere
5-27-11, 7:06am
In my own life experience I have found that communication is the key. The time not to communicate is when you are annoyed, angry or sad. Yelling, slamming doors, accusing, crying etc are not good communication tools (ask me how I know that). Monitoring someones mileage, or their spending are not good tools. Criticism and sarcasm are not good tools.
Sitting down during a calm time and saying " You work so hard, yet I am concerned that we have this debt and I want to figure out how we can get rid of it. We are not getting any younger and I want us to meet our goals of (insert your own, ie retirement, college savings, travel, paying off house). What things can we both work on to meet our goals?
It might help for you to do your homework and make a spreadsheet that shows what your net worth is, equity in house, savings, retirement etc. and liabilities such as mortgage, credit cards, car loans etc.
Then a list of the essential payments you must make each month. Mortgage, car payments, taxes, insurance, food, gas etc. You can ask him if he is willing to track all of his spending, and he can use a column such as miscellaneous for his treating friends if he wants. Again, the purpose is not to criticize or say I told you so, but to educate and negotiate.
Start the communication process with an open mind. We have friends that have medical problems and are working past the age of 62, despite having two very good pensions because they want to be able to have a second home, eat out all the time, drive new fancy cars etc. That is definitely not for us but it is what they want. Maybe your DH has different goals and you need to figure out how you can meet somewhat in the middle.
Thanks Wildflower and flowerseverywhere,
Wildflower........that's very true about the low self-esteem! And its also very true that sometimes the qualities we like most in someone at the start of a relationship, end up being the ones that drive us the most crazy later on!
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