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porcelain
6-8-11, 11:26pm
My best girlfriend has lived all over the country and at one point lived in Atlanta, quite a few states away from me. The last time I went to visit her, I really clicked with one of her guy friends down there. Some "things" happened between us while I was there (ahem) and while we stayed in touch, nothing ever came of it. I was hoping that he might initiate some kind of relationship because I really liked him but nothing happened. Eventually I ended up getting into a relationship locally, but that guy (huge jerk) and I broke up in Feb. Soon after finding out that we broke up, Atlanta guy invited me to visit and attend a wedding with him in June. I said yes. Well, June is here and in a week I'll be at his house.
I still REALLY like this guy. He is shy and sweet and my girlfriend says that he was bummed out when he found out that I got into a relationship and she also says that he hasn't been with anyone else since we hooked up over 2 years ago. She says that it was his shyness and the distance that kept him from being any more than my friend once I got home. Part of me believes that, but part of me thinks that he's one of those guys who just wants to fool around. I felt pretty embarrassed and somewhat used after hooking up with him all those years ago. That isn't something I do often and I don't want to go through that again.
Do you think that I should bring up a relationship when I visit him? Or should I wait and see if he brings it up? Did I mess up that possibility by hooking up with him? And is a long-distance relationship even worth pursuing at 33 years old? It's been my experience that if a guy wants a relationship with you, he will say it. My ex-husband was a sweet, shy guy so I did a lot of the initiating, and it was a theme that haunted our entire marriage. I never felt wanted. He was very emotionally detached and I don't want to make the same mistake again.
Sorry for rambling on. I could really use your thoughts since I'm relationship-challenged and my best friend is biased, she loves both of us and would really like to see us together; she's too close to the situation so I'm a wary of her advice.

iris lily
6-8-11, 11:39pm
It's foolish of you to bring up "relationship" if by that you mean exclusive dating or even, heaven, forbid, living together, that is, unless you wish to charge down the same path you made with your ex.

It's not rational to think that either you OR he should make any kind of commitment. You just don't know each other. Depending on how far away you live from him, it's possible that you could get to know him slowly, but it sounds as though you are too far away.

Find men close to where you live and develop real relationships with them. The guy who is far away is fun because hey, he's far away. A little fun now and then is good for us all! But a relationship with a capitol "R?" Umm, no. And always consider that you are attracted to the "far away" guys whether geographically or emotionally because you, yourself, don't really want a mature relationship that develops slowly and builds trust over time.

porcelain
6-8-11, 11:44pm
Oh. By relationship I mean exclusive dating, not living together. Although I would be willing to move someday, my family no longer lives in my city (they moved & left me behind).
We do talk regularly - anywhere from once a week to once a day, and have for the 3 or 4 years we've known each other. Just not in person.
I've never been in or even considered a long distance relationship before...so I understand your point...maybe the distance is what allows me to think that he is "different" from the guys I've dated in my area. Thanks for your thoughts...

iris lily
6-8-11, 11:58pm
Oh. By relationship I mean exclusive dating, not living together. Although I would be willing to move someday, my family no longer lives in my city (they moved & left me behind).
We do talk regularly - anywhere from once a week to once a day, and have for the 3 or 4 years we've known each other. Just not in person.
I've never been in or even considered a long distance relationship before...so I understand your point...maybe the distance is what allows me to think that he is "different" from the guys I've dated in my area. Thanks for your thoughts...

Look, it's impossible to know what's really going on, but I were you I'd ask myself why has it not moved in a different direction after 3 -4 years. You want him to make a move and he has not. Perhaps he WILL make a move next week, but what sort of move? Will he expect you to travel several states to be with him? Can you give up a job and find another easily? Atlanta is a great town, so maybe, if you like that town and want to live there anyway, go for it.

But there is no way I'd change my life for a man based on the flimsy evidence you've given here, and that doesn't mean that he's a bad guy at all. He's probably perfectly nice.

In order to attract mentally healthy partners and to develop strong relationships, it's essential that you are comfortable in your own skin, that you have a rich and full life in your work and in your family and social circle. This is very attractive to the right kind of men. I just think that long distance relationships are not real and they seldom reveal the true self of each partner.Visits are always like being on vacation.

Mrs-M
6-9-11, 12:00am
Hi Porcelain. "Play it cool" is the best advice I have for you. To be perfectly and completely honest with you, that's all he deserves.

puglogic
6-9-11, 12:04am
Have you thought about just seeing how things go when you're there? Try to have fun, enjoy each other's company, try to arrange for some quiet time when maybe he'd feel comfortable opening up, and see what happens? You might be overthinking this -- he may really want to see if there's something between you, the same as you do. {shrug} Of course I don't believe in the term "using" as the media puts it......if/when I've ever gotten physical, it's because I wanted to, so I was "using" them as much as they were "using" me. Which reminds of a great song. But anyway...is it possible to explore this situation with an open mind and just see what happens? Your life doesn't depend on the outcome.

porcelain
6-9-11, 12:11am
Have you thought about just seeing how things go when you're there? Try to have fun, enjoy each other's company, try to arrange for some quiet time when maybe he'd feel comfortable opening up, and see what happens? You might be overthinking this -- he may really want to see if there's something between you, the same as you do. {shrug} Of course I don't believe in the term "using" as the media puts it......if/when I've ever gotten physical, it's because I wanted to, so I was "using" them as much as they were "using" me. Which reminds of a great song. But anyway...is it possible to explore this situation with an open mind and just see what happens? Your life doesn't depend on the outcome.

This was very much my original attitude and I think I've begun overthinking it in the months leading up...thanks
And thanks Mrs-M.

razz
6-9-11, 8:12am
Porcelain, it is important to know who you are before you get caught up in any relationship especially after going through the experience with Ex.

How do you perceive yourself? What qualities do you value? What are your strengths of character? People are attracted or not by the qualities that you honestly exhibit and will take the initiative based on them. If you are unsure of who you are, others who may be interested in you are confused and not sure what they are seeing or feeling about you.

Until you have worked out the self-perception issues, just relax, enjoy the visit and try to see how he perceives himself and whether this works for you.

Too often, we worry about the other person but we really need to work on ourselves.

Zoe Girl
6-9-11, 11:04am
I have to agree with having fun while you are there, not worrying too much. However I also want to put in a good note for relationships that develop after years of being that person you always keep in touch with, always have in the back of your mind. My sister's husband was that way with her. He knew her for years in their group of friends but was working more on himself. He also really didn't date anyone else while he was thinking of her. Then finally he got the nerve and asked her out and honestly it is really good, very few bumps along the road.

I do agree however that he needs to show he is really interested. I understand that feeling of never quite feeling wanted. I am sticking to my standards with my boyfriend and he is well aware if he is serious I expect a real proposal (not a business talk) and a real wedding (even if it is just us and our children). It is not about money but about feeling confident that he chose me. And asking a guy if he is interested sometimes leaves you with that icky feeling, well of course he is going to say yes.

In the meantime you are both adults and sound mature enough to have whatever kind of relationship it ends up being during your visit and see what it is.

redfox
6-9-11, 11:55am
I would suggest you simply say to him what you've said to us, which is the truth. No games. Tell him you like him, you want to get to know him, you liked your dalliance with him, and want to know what he wants as well. Do you want more sexual contact? What are your current personal boundaries regarding this? How do you want to state them? You don't need to be morally accountable to anyone but yourself regarding your sexual choices; do stay safe please!

porcelain
6-9-11, 12:53pm
Thanks Zoe Girl and redfox. Sexual contact, yes I want. HAHA. I'm comfortable discussing this aspect with him when the time comes.
Zoe Girl, I agree that a lot of the good marriages & relationships that I see started as friendships first. The little romantic part of me that isn't totally bitter still holds out hope that there is a guy out there for me. This guy and I are genuine friends and obviously attracted to each other, so maybe he could be it.
Either way, I think that some (safe) fun is exactly what I need, and whatever comes of the relationship I will not regret it. My most recent ex lied and cheated on me big time, and that was after I played it cool and he pursued the heck out of me...go figure.

redfox
6-9-11, 1:46pm
Thanks Zoe Girl and redfox. Sexual contact, yes I want. HAHA. I'm comfortable discussing this aspect with him when the time comes.
Zoe Girl, I agree that a lot of the good marriages & relationships that I see started as friendships first. The little romantic part of me that isn't totally bitter still holds out hope that there is a guy out there for me. This guy and I are genuine friends and obviously attracted to each other, so maybe he could be it.
Either way, I think that some (safe) fun is exactly what I need, and whatever comes of the relationship I will not regret it. My most recent ex lied and cheated on me big time, and that was after I played it cool and he pursued the heck out of me...go figure.

I hope you have fun, and explore a new friendship/budding romance. Do as much listening as you can too... hopes & dreams are really good to ask about, and then listen! Share too. I am not an advocate of 'playing' anything; simply being yourself, with healthy permeable boundaries, and asking the other to also reveal themselves. Lovers who cheat & lie play plenty enough games, and hopefully by being authentic and vulnerable while also being appropriate, you will see him for who he is, and not be treated poorly. Enjoy this time!

Anne Lee
6-9-11, 2:27pm
Being old school, I would leave the sex out of it this time.

bagelgirl
6-9-11, 5:04pm
I have to say I'm with Anne Lee. Sex changes everything. I don't want to sound sexist but men are wired a bit differently. If you are looking for a future you might need to bring it up during a quiet time. Not when things have heated up physically between you. I'm afraid you might feel a bit used again if you are physical with him and no future relationship is discussed. But you'll have to decide this for yourself AHEAD OF TIME. There is nothing wrong with wanting more than what you have now. But I have to say that in my experience men will pursue what they really want. And if they don't, they don't want it that badly.

Just my opinion, so I hope nobody gets angry.