Dealing with 'talkers'

[Gina]

One of my closest friends has slowly evolved into a endless 'talker'. I know she wasn't like this years ago, or we would not have become friends. We do have good back and forth conversations, but it's become harder and harder to end them. She rarely lets there be a gap where it's easy to say 'it's time to go..'. Very frustrating.

There used to be a woman in the office where I worked that was also a compulsive talker, and I learned to just keep walking. I was polite, but I did not wait for her to finish (she never would) and I just kept on path to walk through the door past her... But it was sort of rude (which I guess they depend on).

There is another lady I casually know who is one, and I try to totally avoid her.

At this point, I don't much even like to call my friend because I know how uncomfortable it will be to end whatever conversation we have. She is also getting the reputation of being a talker and I've heard a couple comments about it from other people.

I don't especially want to discuss this with her because it will hurt her feelings and I do really value our friendship. We've been good friends for decades. We've talked about our too long conversations in the past.

Now I usually just break in - literally- and say 'I've got to go water something' or cook something, or the like, but it's difficult. :sick:

Anyone else deal with a friend or family member who is a compulsive talker? And if so, how do you deal with it?

[puglogic]

I tried many things with the talkers in my life, but eventually discovered an unnerving fact about myself: I'm not super-interested any more in being around people who talk constantly and never listen. That's not a friendship - that's me being a sounding board. Does your friend truly listen when YOU need to talk about things? Can you use "your part of the conversation" to be firm that you need to go?

I have a very valuable friendship - a truly amazing person, a friendship I'd never want to lose -- and I had to find a way to gently work out a way to make it work, because she gets terribly excited about the things she's working on sometimes, and she knows it. We do hand signals :) I hold up both hands, palms out, and she laughs and says, "Okay, I'll shut up now and let you talk." It's a running joke with us. But she's a special case, and has a great sense of humor and great self-awareness.

For the most part, someone who doesn't listen isn't a good friendship fit for me.

[sweetana3]

My two best friends were over compulsive talkers. One I dropped finally when I realized that the talk was always about her or her life, or her kid, or her parents, etc. She was not interested in anyone else. It took years to figure this out because I always hoped it would change.

The other one I continued to love because even though she talked so much, she was involved in the other person. She really helped me improve my life. Not to say it was not a problem sometimes. She recently died (much too soon) and I miss her talking.

[jania]

Is this about telephone conversations? If so, maybe when your friend calls you up you can just tell her at the beginning of the conversation,"I'm so glad you called but I only have about 15 minutes (or whatever time you want) to chat. What's up?" At the end of your time just interrupt if you have to and say "Gee, I'm so sorry but I only had that 15 minutes and I've got to go". You could also try this when you call her. "Hi friend, I've only got about 15 minutes but I wanted to talk with you".

If you start to make this into a habit your friend will probably get use to it. If your friend starts to notice and dislikes it she may ask you why your behavior has changed and that gives you an opportunity to kindly explain. "I don't know why its been happening but you seem to have so much to talk about any more and I just don't have as much time to spare." This will give your friend an opportunity to contemplate her behavior and maybe you two will have a discussion that will take care of the situation and still remain good friends. I hope so.

[bagelgirl]

Hear, hear, Puglogic! And I find I have cut waaaaaaay back on my acquaintance circle because of this.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

I work with a talker. A super sweet person who goes out of her way to do for others, but a non-stop talker. I might want to ask her something I am really interested in, but hesitate to because I know I won't just get a direct answer. I will get the WHOLE background, plus every side issue and on & on before I get the part I did want to hear. Sometimes I go to lunch alone, to the park or somewhere to be in silence for an hour!

[CathyA]

I have real problems with hyperactive talkers. I think my DD has turned into one, which makes me really sad. I just can't believe that these people don't get tired of talking. Its like free association all the time.
There were several women of kids in my daughter's class in high school that would talk endlessly, and I really dreaded coming across them. I usually tried to avoid them.
Gina, I wish I had some advice for you. I just try to avoid these people. I can't avoid my DD, and she would get really upset if I brought this up to her, but it does get very tiring when she dominates every conversation our family has. I wonder if its a form of OCD?

If you're on the phone with your friend, you could say things like "Oh....I have something on the stove".......or "I have some things I need to get out of the dryer"........or "someone's at the door".......or "I need to get dinner ready", etc.
This seems to be mostly a womens' problem. I wonder why. Something going haywire in some part of their brain I guess.
Good luck with this!

[JaneV2.0]

My mother was a talker. I used to say she had to keep talking like tuna have to keep swimming. Probably as a consequence, I'm very good at listening. Or seeming to.

Whether or not I'm willing to listen endlessly depends on how close I am to the yapper. I don't have qualms about walking off mid-sentence if they are an acquaintance. I don't think they notice, anyway.

[Rosemary]

The two nonstop talkers who come to my mind are both men - it's not just a women's problem!
I am not someone who normally interrupts, but I learned to.

[Zoebird]

for me, if the person is a friend, i bring it up when i'm not upset or angry. that is to say, you could set up a 'date' to get together and then open up a conversation about it.

i know that i don't talk to people often. I mean, in my work, i do talk to people, but it's not abuot me. it's about them. and then when i'm with DS, we're talking about what he's up to. And when i'm with DH, he is often talking about himself. So, i'm usually listening.

When someone asks me "how are you?" it starts out with "fine" and then they ask a second question and, if i'm not careful, i'm running at the mouth for 48 hrs and the poor person cannot pull themselves away. LOL

My personal fix was to ask DH if i could have some talking time -- time when he listens to me and reflects back to me what is what, so it's not just the DH show when he/i get home from work and get the baby down, and then movie time (which is DH's favorite evening schedule). Last night, he even got pissy because i wanted to talk instead of watch the movie, but I told him I hadn't talked to anyone (except DS) all day and i was going nuts.

He also realized that I talk less with him if i'm on message boards, so now he encourages that. LOL

anyway, i know that I do it, and i think *i* at least would be ok with hearing something like "I know that you are excited about your life, and I do want to hear about it, and I know that you might not get a lot of chance to change, BUT I would like this to be a conversation. Can we take turns?"

i'm fairly certain it will work out. :D

[fidgiegirl]

As someone who at times can be a talker - though not chronic (I hope) - I recognize that often it happens when either a) I am super excited about something or b) the other person doesn't seem to be "in the mood." For example, I caught myself doing this today when a coworker friend and I were carpooling out to a town about half an hour away to have lunch with some other friends. She wasn't feeling well and so not really talking - so I made up for it.

So here's a long shot, but I wonder if this other person senses that there is something you are not happy with and not telling her, and so she just kind of covers over it with talk, talk, talk.

Or, she's oblivious.

Good luck!! :)

[Gina]

I can be a talker too, but usually am a better listener. Some people just talk more than others, and that's OK. But the problem is people who never pause so you can't escape and have to actually interupt them mid-sentence to say 'bye'. Others recently have mentioned she a talker, so it's just not me. I think she is generally oblivious to this.

My friend and I are not one-sided in our conversations - she is interested in what I do and what I think, asks questions, so that's not a problem. And I do enjoy talking with her and knowing what she's doing and thinking, and her family. She is an interesting person, and we agree on many things. But then it just drags on or she goes off on the most uninteresting tangents about people she barely knows, I've never met, and don't care about.... And I start to feel I really want out of there... but there are no breaks.

Talking to her about this would be difficult for several reasons, so I guess I'll just keep doing what I have been doing - saying 'I have to water' or 'we've been talking for an hour and I need to get some other things done', etc. Actually I kinda like that last one and will have to use it more often. Or maybe set a timer at the beginning and say I set it, because I have things I want to get done, but also want to talk with her. I know she won't come to a stopping point on her own.

I once did have a friend who, while not a serial talker, only wanted to talk about her own stuff. I didn't realize it for a very long time and then I started testing her. We would be talking about her stuff, and then when I started something about me, she'd all of a sudden have to run. Unless I changed the subject back to her stuff - then all of a sudden she didn't have to hang up. She failed that test a few times. The next test I decided to just not say anything about what I was doing, and waited to see how long it took for her to ask me. Well, it took a couple of months before she asked something like - so what's going on with you. Sorry, not good enough. She lost the window into my life. She is basically a good woman, but really only wanted me as a listening post. We're still friendly acquiantances, but not good friends anymore.

[fidgiegirl]

Gina, I remember a few weeks or months ago we had a thread about the second person you mention above. I think it is more and more prevalent. Since that thread I've tried to notice if I am going this direction myself with people and sometimes caught it and been able to change the direction of the conversation. It is a neat testimony to the power of this kind of a community. Simple awareness and discussion can lead to meaningful changes.

[Gina]

Gina, I remember a few weeks or months ago we had a thread about the second person you mention above.
You mean people who only want to talk about themselves and their stuff? If so, after that experience, I too have become more aware of that, and make sure I ask friends more about themselves and their families and so forth. I really am interested but I didn't always think to ask.

[iris lily]

One of my friends is a list talker, you know, one of those people who recite lists--of their dog wins, of the stuff they purchased,etc.

But she is a nice person and she is also interested in what we are doing and will listen and ask questions, so she's really not what we are talking about here. It's just that the lists get very boring.

I tend to like executive summaries, ha ha, and then--if the topic is uber appealing--I would like every juicy detail.

In my dog club is a poor woman who has a serious social problem in non-stop talking, it's pathological with her. That's the worst I've seen.

[CathyA]

I have an old work colleague I used to be friends with. Even long after we quit working together, we would occasionally meet for lunch and catch up. The last time (a couple years ago) we met for lunch and she talked and talked about her friends and family and didn't ask me ONE SINGLE QUESTION about me or my life and family. And this was over a couple hours! I didn't feel like forcing her interest in my life, so I let it go. I haven't gotten together with her again.
Seems like people should have that sense......to ask questions about the other person's life too. But I guess they don't always.

[loosechickens]

Ah, self absorption is just such an absorbing thing.... ;-)

And when those folks are just so absorbed in their own lives, their family, their activities, they just can't even imagine that you wouldn't want to hear every detail. And, since they are self absorbed, why would they want to hear about anything YOU are doing? That's not THEIR life. It makes perfect sense from THEIR point of view......it's just those of us who have the tired, worn out ears that find it difficult.

I don't mind it so much as long as it isn't a long string of negativity....I find that when it's just one long litany of complaint, about everything, especially when the person really is in a very nice position in life, with no concept whatsoever of how lucky they are, yet are still obsessing about each tiny drama in their lives.....that's when I lose patience.

[treehugger]

This is an interesting thread. There are so many different kinds of talkers.

My dad is one who goes on and on and doesn't seem to really require any active listening (which makes it easy to multi-task during phone calls with him). He also is always behind at work (has his own accounting business) and never understands why.

My mom can't stand silence, so fills in any with innane tidbits about people she knows. She also asks questions but then talks too much to listen to the answers. This is probably why she couldn't stay married to my dad. Can't have two talkers in one marriage! ;) The consequence for me of having 2 talkers for parents is that I never share anything about my life with either of them any more. It's just not worth the effort of trying to get a word in edgewise.

Talkers can be listeners, too though. I have an aunt who is a talker and shares all the tiniest of details about her life and the lives of everyone she knows, but she is also curious about other people and likes to hear about whatever anyone wants to talk about. So, she is a generous listener.

I have cut self-absorbed talkers (friends/acquaintances) out of my life before, and good riddance.

In my marriage, I am the talker, but I like silence, too, and I also am known as a good listener, so I think I have managed to not become my parents (in this respect anyway).

Very interesting to hear all the perspectives, especially from the "reformed" talkers. :) I think it's good for all of us to be mindful of how much we talk and how much we listen.

Kara

[bagelgirl]

Yes, you're right there are so many different kinds of talkers. I had one friend who was aticulate and could be fairly interesting but she could never get to the point and pretty soon you got so sick of the rambling that you no longer wanted to listen to her.

She would start out with a mildly interesting tidbit that had been told to her by someone and then she wanted to tell you about the cousin's roommate's uncle's bestfriend of this "someone" and how many children he had and exactly where they had all been sitting in which house at the time she heard this tidbit, not to mention what phase the moon had been in.

Seriously, the eyes just glazed over. I could be wrong but it seemed to me to be a way of controlling the conversational ball and to never hand it back. I couldn't point this out as she would have been seriously offended and I'm quite sure would not have changed.

I let the friendship go.