View Full Version : what to say to alcoholic friend whose offered to drive me home from a party?
I know my friend is an alcoholic from how she talks about alcohol in every conversation, and has told me how she blows up when she drinks too much, etc. She's an old friend from high school I reconnected with last year. I like her. We are both going to a party of people in town from our high school. I emailed her (that's how we talk, by email), asking if I could follow her car when we left (I have serious problems of getting disoriented in unfamiliar places since I had a stroke 20 years ago). I hate getting lost at night. She wrote back and said why doesn't she just pick me up and take me home in her car, that it would be easier.
She told me months ago that she was going to this party and that she will drink though she knows she shouldn't. (She doesn't identify as an alcoholic, but says things like this.) She will be driving about 50 miles to get to her own home.
I can just give some excuse or tell her why I don't want to take her up on her offer. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I want to say why I don't want to be in a car she's driving in after drinking. Maybe I can't have both those things. My experience is most people get furious if you suggest limits to their drinking. There are all these signs, "If you drink, don't drive," but I think they don't affect some people at all.
Any suggestions? I don't have to go to the party, and I have practiced the route, but I know from past experience, I could get seriously lost I also know that's never been the end of the world.
I would circumvent the whole problem by buying a GPS and practicing using it. The GPS will also be of lots of use to you in other situations.
+1 to Amaranth. Probably the best solution all around, as the GPS will help you many times over.
I got a new Android that has a GPS on it, and its saved me getting around my new town since Seattle/Tacoma area is extremely easy to get lost in. I once got lost on Queen Anne hill for over an hour at 1 am once, so I know how scary/frustrating it can be!
Do not get into a vehicle with someone who has been drinking!! Take a taxi or buy a Garman.
I hate getting lost at night. She wrote back and said why doesn't she just pick me up and take me home in her car, that it would be easier.
Why not suggest (insist) that when she gets to your house, that you drive from there with her as the passenger and in that way she can help with the directions - and she can save some gas $$. And you could be the 'designated' driver.
Either get a GPS unit or a cell phone with GPS/maps included. You can now get an Android phone through Virgin Mobile for about $100, maybe a little more. 300 minutes and unlimited data for $25/month.
As for me, since I had an alcoholic father, I have no patience with people who drink too much. And so I speak very plainly - call it blunt if you want - with those who've tried to drive me when having had too much to drink. I tell them exactly WHY I won't get into a car with them. I also have experience as a newspaper reporter covering police, and so I've seen way too many auto accidents to even get into a car with someone under the influence, even if I hadn't had the alcoholic father.
I have a policy of not riding with anyone who has had any alcohol at all. Since it is a blanket policy, and therefor nothing personal, it doesn't seem to offend anyone. It feels like the safest option to me because I don't really know how much alcohol it takes to get any given person drunk enough not to drive. Since drinking is almost never a big deal to me, I will often volunteer to be sober cab.
The GPS sounds like a great solution too.
Miss Cellane
6-22-11, 2:14pm
I'd be honest and upfront with your friend. "I don't want to ride with you, because I don't like riding with people who have been drinking." You could offer to be the designated driver, if you think she could still help you enough to get home after she's had a few. Just don't make it about her and her drinking, make it general. State that you don't ride with *anyone* who has been drinking. She may still get upset, though. You can't control her reaction.
The problem with giving any kind of an excuse is that she'll try to give you counter-arguments to make you ride with her, and you'll end up entangled in a mess of lies or half-truths, wishing you just hadn't said anything.
If she promises she won't drink, and you ride with her and she does drink, how would you get home?
Then figure out what you would do to get home if you drove and she weren't attending the party--GPS, ask another friend, MapQuest?
Alcoholics, even fun, well-meaning alcoholics, can kill you. They are absolutely sure they're just fine to drive after they've been drinking - in many cases, they will make a scene and make you out to be the bad guy if you question them.
Drive yourself. Make yourself a good map from the web, so you can count the blocks to this turn/that turn. Get a GPS if you can - it will empower you in other areas as well -- or if it's something you can drive to in the daylight hours as a practice run, do that. But please don't put your life in the hands of an alcoholic. I don't like conflict either, but I don't risk my safety.
I seriously advise the GPS. They are so handy to have around and are getting more and more inexpensive. It has saved us so much aggravation, helped us when lost, made my life as a single driver so much easier. It is hard to read Mapquest or a map while driving and the GPS gives immediate visual and verbal directions. It can store favorite locations.
Driving with someone who drinks (or, for me, is distracted by cell phone calls or reading maps) is something I no longer will do.
*****footing around the issue is not doing either of you any good. Come out and tell her you wont be able to be with her around a car because she drinks. Take the medicine. If she is defensive, it really is her problem. Is her friendship giving you so much that honesty is not possible?
I think you have three options: state that you have a blanket policy about sober driving so while you'd be glad to drive or follow, being a passenger wouldn't work for you. get the GPS and announce how thrilled you are with your new independence and how this will allow you to ... whatever, do some boring errand beforehand or leave early. Or, go with her, but if she drinks at the party, be the driver on the way home (agree to this before hand) or make an excuse and call yourself a cab if she belligerently won't let you drive.
I have a friend who "mysteriously" rolled her truck after visiting for hours with a partying friend, and wound up in the hospital with a broken back. I was quite impressed / astonished with how fast she weaned herself off "big meds" after the surgery, until she said, "oh yes, the thought of not being able to have my champagne was even worse than the pain." Hmmmm.
You all are fantastic! I'm so glad I asked you. I've emailed my friend that I have a policy of not riding with drivers who've had any alcohol at all, that she can ride with me and give directions, or that I can get MapQuest and practice more beforehand. This felt about as unalienating as could be, and I really appreciate the question abaout if her friendship is giving me so much that honesty is not possible. Great perspective.
I have a GPS, believe it or not, but the same disorientation problem that causes me to get lost also causes me not to be able to learn to use the GPS, or most any machine. So it's great to have these options. Thanks!
When a family member had serious alcohol issues, I was told by an emergency physician that I had to learn the Al-anon mantra. "I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it." Protect yourself! Your friend will be denial and insist on driving when she comes to your house so know that you have limited options of dealing with 'her' alcoholism. I finally had to pull away from a really nice human being who was a friend from way back due to her alcoholism which took priority over any other relationship. Alcoholism is worse than any thing one can imagine, much worse than infidelity or similar as you are not dealing with 100% of one's attention or intellect but maybe just 50-60% so very poor decision-making skills.
Anyone who knows me knows that I do the driving and that is all there is to it. If I don't drive, I don't go. Why don't you invite HER to ride with you, tell her that way, she can drink all she wants to and won't have to worry about getting pulled over. I would imagine she'd jump at an offer like that.
enota
No thank you comes to mind...
Re the GPs - I was just browsing my cell provider's site, and I see I can buy a cell phone with built in Google Maps Navigation for $150, or one with Virgin Mobile's Navigator for $80. http://www.virginmobileusa.com/cell-phones/samsung-restore-phone.jsp
Because my POS car has an empty space where the lighter is supposed to be, I mostly leave my GPS device in the drawer at home. Having it in the cell phone would be a tremendous comfort to me. I too tend to get lost and or confused when driving in an unfamiliar area, or after dark.
Re the alcohol, I recommend saying "I never ever ride with anyone who has had even one drink, so it's best if I follow you in my own car." If she says that's nuts, say, I know but it's a peculiarity of mine and I have to live with it.
NO, and YOU shouldn't be driving.
It's too bad that you have had difficulty learning to program the gps. One of the BEST features about our gps over using google maps or whatever is that if you miss a turn the lady inside the gps simply "recalculates" and revises her directions to suit the reality that you missed the turn.
Back to the OP, I'm glad you have told her you won't ride with her. That would just be a really bad decision, and one that you knew would be bad as you had made it.
My friend emailed back that she stopped drinking on May 25, just thought it would be a good idea. But I will still do the driving. A few dry weeks does not a sober friend make.
catherine
6-23-11, 11:26am
Just for the record, my way of getting to drive home if I am with a person who's been drinking is to say, with a smile, "My rule is that the person who drinks the least gets to drive." Sometimes that means I drive the other person's car.
This may seem like a wimpy way to put your foot down, but a) if you come across the least bit judgmental, you'll have a defensive, angry alcoholic on your hands who will demand driving just on principle. and b) it's a simple, non-threatening rule. You don't come across as the saint vs. the sinner, and they can't argue with that.
With regard to your friends having stopped drinking, you're right. Doesn't mean she won't drink that night. Sounds like you're better off sticking to your plan
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