View Full Version : Extreme Anxiety about Dirty and Messy House (longish)
Hello All,
As I've written on this thread before, I have always had pretty major issues with disorganization, being a packrat, and not being much of a housekeeper. When I was single, I did work on these issues and made some progress, but since I was living alone, it was very easy for me to just not have people over when my packrat ways got out of hand so I didn't have to "expose" myself.
This year, my SO and his two cats and I moved in together and welcomed a baby daughter in March. My SO's two teenagers live with us part-time. I know I am very lucky to have a great partner, two great semi-step-kids, a healthy, happy baby, and a beautiful house in a great location for us.
But since we've moved in I've been so overwhelmed by the task of keeping the house somewhat presentable that I've found myself having major anxiety. I wrote earlier on this site about a big stain on the couch which completely freaked me out and tonight, I wigged out at my SO about some dirt on our dining room chairs that we can't seem to get out and which no one seems to know the origin of.
I have been to flylady.com and am trying to establish some routines, and my SO will help out when asked and does a fair amount around here already (all the cooking and grocery shopping, for example). He is just as messy as me though and so are his kids, so unless we all really make an effort, things get pretty bad quickly. Also, his cats are outdoor cats, so they track in alot of stuff from outside, vomit occasionally on the carpet, shed everywhere and one of them has peed in the bathroom a couple of times.
I have anger issues anyway and have repeatedly lost my temper at my SO over the state of the house or various chores. He tries to adjust his habits to make me happier and sometimes succeeds, but not always, of course.
We do have a maid come once a month, but we can't afford having her more frequently. And some things that are dirty - the couch for instance, and the dining room chairs - probably just need to be replaced, but we can't afford to replace them.
I know working through all this is going to be a process, but I would love any advice any of you could give about dealing with being overwhelmed by taking care of a house. I grew up in a messy, dirty home, and I'd really like to have a cleaner one - but I also don't want to make myself crazy over it.
Redfox, in the couch stain thread, reminded me to not let this stuff get to me too much, but I'm not succeeding very well.
Suggestions from those of you who have dealt with this kind of anxiety and successfully dealt with it without ruining your relationship?
Please call a therapist or psychologist. Your anxiety may be biochemical. Whatever the cause, you can get support so that it and the anger issues don't continue to affect your well being; and especially your baby's well being.
I agree that this is less about a messy house and more about anxiety. Remember it can be focused at anything but when it escalates to anger as you have described it needs to be addressed. You are looking outward and need to look inward.
No one will remember the state of the house in the future, but they sure will remember your attacks and your focus on it rather than the relationships.
I can identify. I somehow got passed over in the "tidy" department. Now that my kids are older and out of the house, I'm MUCH better, but I really have to struggle. And my house never looks as good as other people's--and I don't know how to diagnose why that's true.
The feelings of shame I've felt are similar to yours--also having been brought up in a messy house.
So, while the advice to see the help of a counselor for your anxiety might not be a bad idea, I'm going to give you practical advice based on my experience:
I think I have some kind of a mental breakdown when I have a cluttered visual field. So, if a few things are out of place I pop my spring, and do nothing. I've noticed when I go to a hotel, for instance, I keep everything perfect. So I would work on really finding ways to hide everything. For instance, my DH keeps his pills on a shelf in the kitchen-I need to have them put in a cabinet. The less baseline clutter the better off I am.
That goes for decor, too. Monochromatic schemes work best for me because of this visual clutter problem I have. I love my bedroom because it's nothing more than varying shades of taupe. Might sound boring to some people but it's so peaceful to me.
For dirty furniture you can't replace, I would use throws and or slipcovers. I have an old wooden table that I love, but it's worn, so I got three tablecloths from Target which I switch off to wash, and it really makes the house look better.
You HAVE to try to implement some easy ways for SO and your kid when she's old enough to contribute. I also find I lapse into a "what's the use" mindset when other people drop stuff anywhere. For me that's the hardest part, and it probably will be for you, but since your child is so young, there's hope. When my kids were small we would do a 5 minute clean-up every now and then, and I'd literally be singing out a loud motivational song while doing it.
I also think Flylady is great for people like us. Problem is, she has also gotten her advice kind of "cluttered" which turns me off. I think the VERY BASIC make sure your kitchen is clean, make sure you make your bed, and make sure the hall is tidy are the three things that are maintainable on a daily basis.
I've bought tons of cleaning books but one that recently had an impact was the idea that all you need are 16 terry towels, 16 microfiber clothes, and an all-purpose cleaner and you're good to go. I used to get overwhelmed by "ok, now I need the bucket. Now I need, which cleaning agent?" With that mental clutter gone, now when I have 10-15 minutes, I can literally grab three things--two cloths and one cleaner and attack what I need to. Like for floors, this particular author said that you should never need a bucket of water--you're just pushing around dirt. So you just spray your all-purpose cleaner, and wipe. When one towel gets dirty, use another. Keep going until the floor is clean.
Finally, I would encourage you to put a priority on saving up for fixing up the long-term stuff. When the foundational stuff is clean and nice (like floors, walls, and furniture) it's SO much easier to keep the rest nice. See this blog post of mine for that point I made: http://silententry.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/simple-home-beautiful-home-part-i/
Sorry for the long post, but I totally am with you on this one.
One other thing about the anxiety part: I think it's a control thing--anything you can do to manage that might help--even saying the Serenity Prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." or something like that might help. I think you may be trying to push past shame away and when that gets frustrated by something you can't control (like stains popping up out of nowhere) it raises your anxiety and anger. So just be gentle with yourself, stay in the moment, and try to keep things in perspective.
Apart from what the others have said, I don't know if anyone with a baby that young, let alone the other kids and the cats, has a clean house. I think you should cut your self some slack. Hopefully a therapist could help you with that.
Life is disorganized and messy, so the house will be too. Please remember that messy is not the same as dirty. Mess doesn't bother me, as that means you're living and enjoying your life. Dirty, however, can invite vermine and smells into your home. So I would focus on the dirty part - keep the kitchen and bathrooms clean and organized. Make sure all food is put away safely. For me, having the sink clear of dirty dishes is a mental relief, so I try to do that nightly (dishwashers are great for this). Dust bunnies are really OK - it's food debris that's a problem.
Clean the bathroom weekly or more often as needed. Have everything to clean the bathroom in there, so all you need to do is pick up a towel or sponge and cleaner when the time comes. I have a small bathroom, and since I started cleaning weekly, it takes me less than 10 minutes to clean everything, even dusting, unless I'm doing a full shower (and not just tub) clean.
As for the cats peeing inside the house - my sympathies. My boy dog did this routinely, and I tossed out a nice rug since I couldn't get the smell out anymore. I finally found that Nature's Miracle Urine Destroyer is fabulous for taking out his stinky urine. I also use male wraps on him but I doubt your cats would let you do that to them. I don't know if Urine Destroyer works on cat pee, though, but it's worth a look (it is expensive, though). I know Nature's Miracle has a urine remover just for cats which might work for you (I've never tried it) and I think it's less expensive. I tried all the less expensive enzymatic cleaners, and for me the Urine Destroyer (and the No More Marking stuff) were what finally worked for me (and him)
I've *never* been one for cleaning house and neither were my parents. I grew up with dust bunnies. Recently, though, I read through Erin Doland's "Unclutter Your Life in One Week" and for some reason her tip on cleaning a part of the house each day (to have the weekends free) really resonated with me. Since then I've started doing this and now that the whole house is being at least vacuumed and dusted each week, it's easier for me to keep the house more picked up. I think it's because I see things now, and stuff doesn't become background anymore. I live in a very small house, and live alone with two dogs. Weekly works for me (especially with all the stuff the dogs track in and out). For a much larger household, biweekly cleaning seems more reasonable, especially if you can get the kids to help!
You have a wonderful family - please don't let the condition of your house dictate your relationship with them. The kids will be grown up and out of the house sooner than you think. Enjoy them now and have a blast.
Thank you so much, everybody. I knew I could count on this group for some ideas.
I hear what those of you who suggest a therapist are saying. I have, however, been in years of therapy and simply can't afford it right now. I have had mild depression in the past and have managed to deal with it successfully through diet and exercise - avoiding sugar and alcohol and exercising - so I am trying to do that now. I take the baby with me on long walks every day and that is helping somewhat. I'm also being careful about what I eat.
In six to nine months, our financial situation should be better, and if things haven't gotten better, I will consider a therapist and meds then. Who knows - maybe some of this is hormones related to pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I do meditate and have a spiritual community (a Zen center I go to) that I can lean on. Finding enough time to meditate is hard right now, but I will make that a higher priority. It has helped with my anger and anxiety in the past, and I need to make time for it for the sake of my family.
Thanks, too, for those of you who gave practical advice. That helps too.
One thing I did last weekend that worked really well was ask my SO to do just 30 minutes of housework with me. It was amazing how much got done when we each just gave 30 minutes. We got the living room and dining room vacuumed and dustbusted, the stairs and upstairs hallway dustbusted, and two big prominent windows washed inside and out.
It's a start.
Hello All,
...some things that are dirty - the couch for instance, and the dining room chairs - probably just need to be replaced, but we can't afford to replace them....
during our child raising years we learned to be just fine with old, stained things. they were clean, but we didn't think they had to be new or without signs of regular use.
lower your standards. kids and cats in a house require that for you to maintain sanity!
oh ... and i would add that the cats, if they are outdoor cats anyway, should just stay outdoors all the time. that would help a lot. and also that the SO should always be doing part of the cleaning. its not just your job. he lives there too.
he needs to do his part to keep you sane. you could ask for two things -- no cats, and he does half the cleaning without you having to ask. because he is not a child and you should not be feeling like his mom making him do chores. make sense?
oh ... and i would add that the cats, if they are outdoor cats anyway, should just stay outdoors all the time. that would help a lot. and also that the SO should always be doing part of the cleaning. its not just your job. he lives there too.
he needs to do his part to keep you sane. you could ask for two things -- no cats, and he does half the cleaning without you having to ask. because he is not a child and you should not be feeling like his mom making him do chores. make sense?
As I said above, he does all the cooking and grocery shopping, and he does clean without me asking at times. But he doesn't see dirt the way I do and often thinks I shouldn't worry about the dirt I see. So when he cleans with me on the weekends, it's a concession to keep things a little cleaner than he thinks is necessary.
A few more strategies:
--Schedule the basket pickup game for 10 minutes each two to four times a day. Include all teens and adults who are home at the time.
--When out walking think about something which is chronically messy and how it becomes that way. See what patterns you can identify.
--Make a list of the rooms/areas in your house and divide by 5. Clean however many rooms that is (probably 1-3) per weekday.
--Get a timer and do 10 minute round robins in each room per day(having the cleaning items in a container and having the pickup game basket with you improves the efficiency here). Pause the timer if you need to do something for the baby. It's amazing how much you can do in a room in 10 minutes
--One way to reduce anxiety is to have a plan for getting to each thing eventually. Number the shelves, cabinets, closet sections, and drawers (on a list or map). Clean out each once or twice a year. If you have Outlook, you can make each one a recurring task and it will pop up when it is due. In most houses this might be one or two places per week. Coordinate the cleaning with other relevant things such as cleaning a child's closest or drawers to coincide with seasonal clothing changes.
--As often as possible get enough sleep. This makes pretty much everything else easier and faster.
--Ask everyone to think about ways to make organizing easier and more efficient. Every other week or so try to implement a strategy that will help.
--Divide cleaning tasks up into chunks so there are beginnings and endings. That way you know when something is done.
--If you have the tasks in Outlook or on index cards, you can organize them by the hour you want to do them. Then if you have multiple people, you can make a game out of trying to beat the clock together.
--If you have multiple people, you can do a group round robin with each person focusing on a task.
Person 1 goes into room 1, picks things up and puts them away. Out of room items into pickup basket. Next to room 2 and repeat.
Person 2 follows, dusting.
Person 3 follows, vacuuming.
Person 4 follows scrubbing around lightswitches and door knobs, cleaning carpet spots or washing windows or mirrors--according to the theme of the week..
One of the people may periodically swap out laundry or dishes as needed.
--Make a point of thanking everyone for their part. Whenever you can, mention how much easier or nicer something is as a result of someone's work.
Wow. What an amazing list of specific suggestions, Amaranth. It's very helpful.
I know sweetana3 is right that this anxiety is, at one level, internal, and that I need to do the emotional work of figuring out why these issues are such triggers for me and how to manage my anxiety and anger. However, it's also incredibly great to have some practical concrete strategies for dealing with the problem as it exists on the outside.
I really think this a problem I need to deal with in both ways - internally and externally - just like an alcoholic needs not only to examine what he/she is trying to avoid by drinking but also needs to just stop drinking. I need to figure out what my underlying extreme anxiety is about, but I also need some reasonable amount of order in the house. Defining "reasonable" of course, is going to be part of the process.
you may not be able to keep every thing, every day, spotless, but you can focus on a couple of areas. when my kids were small my mantra was "dishes, laundry, trash", knowing if those 3 things were addressed daily, life would keep clipping along and my head wouldn't end up in the oven.
having a clean master bedroom is always great. clean sheets are an affordable luxury.
keeping the bathroom you, personally, use most often clean is doable. 5 minutes a day in there, before or after your shower, you can do that.
aromas. i'm a big fan of inexpensive incense. not daily and not blowing in the baby's face, but on days when you're cleaning up the kitchen, lighting one in a safe area (stove top around my place) can create a nice vibe and make the house seem like home.
i know suggesting disposable products here is not the norm, but allowing yourself some Swiffer items can save time, hassles and some sanity and hey, you've got time later to hug a tree and apologize. ;)
Internal reactions do play a big part. One of the things you can do is look at what you are saying to yourself about the disorder in the house. Then check if what you are thinking helps you get things cleaner or adds to the anxiety.
One thing that people tend to do is all or nothing thinking. They call the house either clean or not-clean. About 99% of the time it would fall into the not-clean category so that adds to the stress level. Instead, if you think of cleaned sections or levels of clean, it can reduce the stress.
Most people are stressed by having their lengthy ToDo lists swirling around in their heads. If they write them down and plan when to do the various items, it reduces stress because everything will eventually be taken care of.
Most of the strategies posted in the previous list are designed to interupt the downward spiral of
Too much to do
Raising Anixiety level
Thinking running off in all directions due to raised anxiety
Less ability to plan/work due to raised anxiety
In my experience, it's how I think about something that makes it livable or not. I've been re-framing many - not all! - of my gripes into preferences, as I NEED very little... most of everything else is a preference. Other than food, water, air, basic safety & sleep, I'm good. When I find myself complaining about something, I am trying to stop and re-frame it as a preference. It's helping me let go of a lot, and to lower the stress & anxiety I have about changing that which I don't have or want to be different. Just my humble experience...
I totally relate to you on this ejchase...and I so needed to read all of this advice. My house looks like WW3 began and in 2 months we are hosting a family reunion...(AHHHHHH) so I definately need to get busy.
chas&rod-There's nothing like a party or reunion at your place to give you motivation and a deadline! We always clean really well for an annual get together in February.
When I get really bent out of shape about something like this I really do need to look inside. A messy house (as ours is often) is often an outward manifestation of a messy life. Now if I think a messy life is a problem, well then the messy house is a problem. If I think a messy life is normal, the messy house becomes something more reasonable to live with.
I know I set up expectations about what life should be like. Other people have clean cupboards, what is wrong with me, etc. But that is not my life; and I suspect, not yours.
Accepting our messy lives is an important first step. Then cleaning up what we want to clean up and not what we have to clean up is a choice.
That said, I would get everyone helping to tidy up somewhat.
I do house cleaning on the side to bring in extra money. Some suggestions for you:
1. Slip cover your chairs and couch. This will allow you to not only hide existing stains but also to allow you to remove and wash as needed.
2. Reduce clutter. Getting rid of clutter will allow you to do quick sweeps of room for a fast pick-up. I have a basket that I use to put things into the rooms they belong in. I go through the house, place the kitchen items in the kitchen basket, the living room items in the living room basket, son's bedroom items in his basket etc... This not only helps me pick up fast, but also helps me relocate items to their proper place quickly. For teens I would simply have them go through each room, with their baskets, after dinner and have them remove their items from the common areas of your home.
I personally find that if after dinner the rooms are picked up, the kitchen is picked up and the dishes done, I can relax.
3. For your little one's toys, try a decorative wicker basket that lives behind a chair in our living room. For quick clean up everything can get tossed into that basket and covered. It's still all within easy reach, but it's now out of site when guests arrive. I've also used rubbermaid footlockers on wheels for the boys's things when they got older. Easy pick up and easy to wheel into a bedroom or down the hall.
4. Keep one room as your sanity room. This is your priority room. No one in the family is allowed to leave things in this space as it is your space. You clean it and it's your one room to focus on and to escape to when the rest of the house is out of sorts. It will allow you to regroup and focus and remain calm. For me it's my three season porch. A pain to clean because it is our main entrance so grass is always tracked in, but aside from having to vacuum often, it stays clean and is my little sanctuary.
I also made sure that everything had a home. So that putting things away was a quick easy job for everyone.
I relate to you TOTALLY Ejchase. I am not happy unless all things are neat and clean. Stains of any kind set me off. I've had family tell me, "you have to learn to relax", "you have to learn to do this", "you have to learn to do that", "maybe you need help"... Nope, I just require that everything around me be kept up, kept clean, kept tidy, kept organized, kept presentable.
One thing I did when my kids were babies was practice precautionary measures. Towels over fabric chair seats, throws and blankets over the couch and love-seat, no changing diapers anywhere other than inside the baby's crib or in the bathroom, and simple other practices. It really helped.
Another thing that helped me back then (which I still practice today), is getting on it NOW! I'm talking messes. Somehow, not allowing things to sit for even a day (not tended to or cleaned up) made all the difference in my world. When I stayed on top of things I was able to stay afloat in the way of reduced stress and clear thinking.
It's about conditioning and control when you have little ones around. What I would do if I were you Ejchase, is try and come up with the costs to professionally clean whatever has become soiled and stained in your home, then try and preserve those cleaned items as best you can. I know you'll find a real difference in how you feel.
At any rate, hugs to you. From me, mom to mom like.
i agree with the assertion that this is about anxiety, and right now, the anxiety is triggered by or focused on the state of the house (as you perceive it). By working on the anxiety, not the house, both the house and the anxiety will improve. :)
there are several things, too, that you can do: declutter so that there is less stuff to have around making a mess; create patters so that dirt and clutter do not enter your house easily (eg, take off shoes at the door, put a paper recycling center at the door, have a "drop zone" where everyone puts bags, coats, shoes, etc); and then go with the fly lady stuff.
My husband *used to be* a pack rat, but began to realize that his stuff made him more anxious. When we started living minimally -- even *starkly* -- he found he was less anxious overall. Yes, he gets angry/frustrated with me when i "badger" him to throw things away -- because he creates a small (5-6 paper) pile -- but I know that, at the end of the week, that pile will cause him to feel closed in and freak out. *so we take care of it early*.
you will feel more at peace when you have less "stuff" around you -- but yelling at everyone because you are anxious is not cool. I live on the receiving end of it, and it's way uncool. So you gotta figure out how to manage your anxiety properly, and find methods of keeping the house in such a way that your anxiety is reduced.
i dunno, now i'm just rambling, i think. :)
Thanks again, everyone. I'm going to print out this whole thread and keep it in my flylady "control journal." It's such a great mix of the things I need: a little practical advice, a little tough love, and a little gentle reassurance. I appreciate your honesty and compassion.
fidgiegirl
6-30-11, 7:53pm
One thing I saw on TV about successful marriages and maybe I will breach it with my DH is that there are "jobs" in the marriage. I mean, they weren't saying that the woman needs to do all the cooking and cleaning and I wouldn't be into that if they were. But they were saying that each person just kind of had their role to do and that was it, there wasn't negotiation about it or endless discussion. Our point of contention is making dinner and doing dishes. DH feels I don't do enough of either. I HATE having to negotiate it all the time and to feel guilted. So I am wondering if one of us is in charge of cooking and therefore buying food and the other is in charge of dishes we would both be happier.
It is hard when you are the spouse that doesn't mind if things are as clean as the other person. My DH was raised in an IMPECCABLE home and I was raised in a borderline (now full-blown) hoarding situation. So our ideas of clean differ a lot. We just keep working through it, but it sucks when I think we're doing pretty well and then he makes an off-hand, no-big-deal-to-him comment that makes me feel like a total pig. :( Plus it doesn't help when his family is (feels to me) SUPER critical of anyone who has a house less clean than my DMiL's and DSiL's.
I suppose my response isn't particularly helpful, just another thought to add to the discussion.
I am intrigued about the name of the cleaning book that talks about the 16 towels and one cleaner. Anyone know the name of it?
One thing I saw on TV about successful marriages and maybe I will breach it with my DH is that there are "jobs" in the marriage. I mean, they weren't saying that the woman needs to do all the cooking and cleaning and I wouldn't be into that if they were. But they were saying that each person just kind of had their role to do and that was it, there wasn't negotiation about it or endless discussion. Our point of contention is making dinner and doing dishes. DH feels I don't do enough of either. I HATE having to negotiate it all the time and to feel guilted. So I am wondering if one of us is in charge of cooking and therefore buying food and the other is in charge of dishes we would both be happier.
It is hard when you are the spouse that doesn't mind if things are as clean as the other person. My DH was raised in an IMPECCABLE home and I was raised in a borderline (now full-blown) hoarding situation. So our ideas of clean differ a lot. We just keep working through it, but it sucks when I think we're doing pretty well and then he makes an off-hand, no-big-deal-to-him comment that makes me feel like a total pig. :( Plus it doesn't help when his family is (feels to me) SUPER critical of anyone who has a house less clean than my DMiL's and DSiL's.
Interesting points about splitting chores. I know it would drive me crazy if we were constantly negotiating who does what. We pre-discussed some of this and other things evolved along the way, but we do have a general system about who does what. I cook everything except for meat. DH either eats what I cooked and adds meat or just does his own thing - think soup or eggs. DH does the pots when I do once a week cooking and does the dishwasher a bit more than I, though I help. We each do our own laundry. We had a definite agreement about the car and the bathroom - I do bathroom or it would completely gross me out and he does all car stuff because I hate it. If I'm driving and need gas though, I do get it as that's just polite. I do more general cleaning of the kitchen including the floors, but I hate vacuuming so either he does it or it doesn't get done. He does more dusting too. And he deals with all technology. It's all pretty much worked out, but we don't have kids so that helps.
As far as people having different levels of cleanliness, it's not his fault that I'm extra picky about the kitchen and the bathroom. So I never nag him to clean them; just do it to my own standards. However I only clean the things that really bug me and leave the rest. Eventually he'll help when it gets to his level of dirtiness. I also prefer to clean first, then relax. He prefers to relax first, then clean. So I don't ask him to clean when he's not ready and he tries not to be bothered by me cleaning while he's relaxing.
Probably not really on topic either, since we both strive to avoid anxiety at all costs, since we're stress-sensitive. Not that relevant to OP but just thoughts on cleaning as a couple.
We had some friends over for lunch today, and - fortuitously enough, the male of the couple is a therapist specializing in OCD and other anxiety disorders. He also suffers from OCD himself. I told him I thought I was having some anxiety and that it veered in the direction of OCD at times, and he told me he'd just read an article about how this kind of anxiety is extremely common among first-time mothers in the the first year of their child's life. He didn't go into detail, but he's going to email me the article. It was enormously comforting to hear what's going on may be somewhat "typical" of someone in my life situation.
That said, I also - with the support of my SO who made himself extra available for childcare this weekend - did a ton of decluttering over the last three days. I cleaned out the trunk of my car which had clutter in it from last fall (!!), made a big dent in the clutter in our bedroom, and cleared out the upstairs hallway where there had been six or seven unpacked boxes from our move. Though I got rid of a lot of stuff, I did resign myself to just putting a few unsorted boxes in our storage unit in the backyard. I just had to keep reminding myself of what flylady says about not letting perfectionism get in your way. And now that the upstairs hallway is clear, I can make a little playspace there for the baby - it's a very big hallway and away from the blaring TV. I think I can put a little toybox and a rug there and a gate at the top of the stairs, and it shoud work fine.
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