View Full Version : Considering Breaking ties with Family Member - Insensitive message
I am not sure what to do about this situation. I sent my brother this message about one week ago. To understand, three women in my family have died from cancer, I have a fear that this might be my fate as it starts with a simple test and can escalate. What I am trying not to overreact at is the reply from my brother. I included the actual language as is so as to completely illustrate my concern. The test is scheduled for this Wednesday.
Patty is my cousin, her mother died from complications of breast cancer. Phil is an elder brother who lives out of the area. My initial reaction is to call him and cut the ties. This comment is as insensitive as I can begin to consider. Am I overreacting or is he way out of line here?
My first message………………
Just to keep you up to date with no surprises, I had a mammogram one
month ago and my doctor had me go get a second one yesterday. I had a
rotten afternoon at ___ waiting 3 hours for a 10 minute
test. One radiologist and technician for 20 women. We all thought this
was stupid, slick fancy hospital that won't staff. Anyway, I have to
go for a third test, a fine needle biopsy in July to check out what
may be cysts which are harmless or otherwise. I spoke with Janice
yesterday as I couldn't really understand what they were telling me. I
was annoyed at being kept waiting for too long and the radiologist
spoke in medical language. All I heard was cyst, three, cannot quite
see with the ultrasound, test with needles. I trust my family doctor
and she recommended ___ for follow up. I hope it is
nothing more than cysts, lots of women get them at my age. I haven't
gotten nervous until this afternoon. I feel just fine except I feel 50
years old some days. Keep positive thoughts.
Reply from brother…………….
Any better news on your tests?
Patty might throw a small family reunion when Phil is here. We need it since the next time everyone will be together is at a funeral.
Still no offers. I had 4 couples at my open house today. Not bad.
Yer brother.
His message seems reasonable to me. He inquired first about your medical test.
jennipurrr
6-27-11, 9:51am
It could be more thoughtful, but like Iris said, he did inquire about how the tests are going. Sounds like he may just want to gloss over that issue for now and hope for the best. The message sounds like he cares about you and wants to include you in the family reunion...but he probably isn't going to be your rock through this time and a great support when you need to vent your frustration...do you have other people in your life who can fill that role?
Miss Cellane
6-27-11, 9:53am
What's your brother's usual communication style? Is this similar or much more curt and shorter?
My brothers would respond in pretty much this manner. They simply don't like to discuss major, serious issues unless they have to. It doesn't mean that they don't care--it means that they don't know how to talk about feelings and emotions.
So if I got a response like that, I'd think, "How typical of Neddy. He must be really concerned about me because he asked about the tests." But this is your brother and you know him a lot better than we do. If this is not his usual style, is there something major going on in his life that is sidetracking your issues? But unless there is a history of your brother being dismissive and uncaring, I wouldn't cut him out on the basis of one email.
Honestly, as a woman reading your email, my interpretation was that you wanted some reassurance from your brother about your situation. But I suspect that as a guy reading your email, your brother saw that you had two tests and another one was scheduled, but no one seems seriously worried yet and there's a good chance there'll be a positive outcome. So he may not see the need for lots of concern or reassurance just yet, not until there's definite bad news.
Which I hope there isn't, and that the next test shows nothing but a minor cyst.
Cypress, cutting off a family member because he didn't respond in the way you had hoped leaves you no option for ever having him respond as you want him to. What's your deepest wish here? What do you really, really want him to say?
With three women having died from cancer, and you going through tests, I can imagine that you must be scared and feeling alone. Do you wish for your brother to reach out to you and say he's concerned, he loves you? What is it that you most deeply hope for from him?
He is probably scared by your tests too. He may be thinking about losing his sister. He may not have any idea what you want or need, and is keeping it simple until he knows. And he won't know unless you tell him what you need. You may not want to have to tell him how to respond to you, you may believe he should 'know'. No one knows what we need to hear in a difficult time unless we tell them.
Cutting him off - how does that help your relationship with him?
catherine
6-27-11, 10:14am
I agree with the others. He did ask about the tests, his tone is friendly and conversational (even taking the insensitive comment into account). Guys really aren't very good at expressing empathy and sympathy. My guess is that he'd be honestly shocked at how upset his comment made you.
Thanks for the replies. I feel I am among friends when I post such a critical topic. I have spoken with several women friends and they reassure me the outcomes are varied. This is is typical style of reply, curt and brusk.
The jolt for me was the line about a funeral to attend. Is he talking about me or someone else? My mother is aged with many concerns, but her attitude is good with plans for the next five years.
Yes, I would appreciate a call and someone to hold my hand thru this situation. Its' scary and I am not alone. I am emotional this morning and have learned to pause and check in with rational people before I overreact.
Cypress, this is a difficult issue for you but i agree with the others about simply recognizing that often people (mostly males) don't want to get into medical details.
FWIW, it seems that the only time that we get together as an extended family is for funerals. Most of the weddings have taken place so when we had our last family reunion, the comment made more than once, the next get-together will likely be for a funeral. It is said sort of flippantly but has elements of truth.
Let it go and look for support and understanding elsewhere.
sweetana3
6-27-11, 10:59am
He is a brother, not a sister. My brother had a simple message on facebook "found out about Mom's first husband." What the h**l? She was married to my father for over 60 years and he was her only husband, I thought. Nothing else. He never thought to let any of the other kids know or what this was all about.
(Turns out my dad was her third husband and I have a 74 year old step sibling.)
Many men do not focus on the emotional aspect of such things. His message back was just what I would have expected.
poetry_writer
6-27-11, 11:43am
Some people dont realize how fearful such a thing can be for a woman. I wouldnt cut off family ties because of one response that could have been expressed a little better. I pray your tests turn out well with good news!
Goodness it is scary what we women go through with these tests, but I think the fear is affecting how you are perceiving his message. It seems normal to me, especially for a guy.
I think this fear thing will always be there for most of us, so it is good that you are checking it out here. The responses are definitely giving you a message.
Good luck.
It comes down to the fact that many times the only times families see each other are at funerals. He is probably excited that someone is going to host a reunion.
I'd probably reply back with a
Quoting you dear brother - "the next time the family gets together it'll be at a funeral" - Ummmm....you know something about my test that I don't know? Gave me a fright for a second there. Glad to hear ___is thinking of hosting a reunion, keep me updated on that and let me know if there is anything I can do to help out. It would be nice for the family to be together more often for joyous occasions.
I agree with the group and love Float On's approach. I don't think I would send such medical detail to my own brother, sweet as he is, because a) he's not equipped to handle it, and b) I know I wouldn't get the loving, supportive response that I was craving. I understand how you feel, but do take care not to read too much into the 'funeral' comment. My family, too, only seems to get together for funerals and weddings :( Sending support to you!
loosechickens
6-27-11, 2:20pm
I certainly wouldn't "cut off ties" with your brother, as the most he can really be accused of here is not grasping what a HUGE fear this is for you, and the emotional reaction you've had to your tests. A sister might have been more able to see that, but it would be a rare brother who would do much more than he did, which was to inquire about your tests. Many, many men have less than an optimal grasp of emotional issues, and even less ability to discuss them.
I'd assume that he wishes the best for you, might just not know what to say, and is really, fairly normal, at least for a number of men I've known.
You've got to remind yourself that your nerves are at fever pitch right now, your emotions are high, and your focus is totally on this looming possible health issue. But your brother is in a very different space, does not have that "dread of breast cancer" that is so present in so many of us who are women, and may be uncomfortable with such issues. Cut him a break and look to your girlfriends for emotional support during this really hard time.
Wishing you the very best of outcomes, and sending some cyberhugs your way........
I never ever base anything on emails. It is way too hard to judge what is truly meant. My family has such vague emails, it makes me crazy just trying to figure out what they mean. Usually, I get it wrong.
The only time me & my husband have fought were over emails. One of us misread or misunderstood something written and things blew up. I now never email important things over email to any of my family. I'll email, to call me or we need to talk but leave the specifics for when we can talk in person or on the phone.
rodeosweetheart
6-27-11, 2:33pm
Hey Cypress, sending healing thoughts at you!! I hear you about your brother. I have one who is even more abrasive--really dreadful. I would just not share the health news with him, but not cut him off--yours sounds caring but kind of a denier/ignorer, and doesn't seem to be cut out for active support. I think the funeral comment was one of those horribly unconcsious faux pas that actually mean he is frightened for you and thus minimizing. (My brother is not frightened for me and does minimize, if that makes sense!)
I would send back a message that says something like "Thanks for the info about Patty and family reunion. I am extremely concerned right now about my own health situation and do not want to hear about projected family funerals, for reasons I am sure you can understand. I will let you know when I am out of the woods."
But yeah, I can feel your hurt, and it sucks when family is not there for you.
A thousand and one thanks for the replies. I am so glad to have an outlet for moments like this. Blessings for one and all. I may suggest to him summer reading of Deborah Tanner. She has several books on male/female communication and just this type of scenario.
I totally understand how you feel Cypress. A couple of weeks ago I passed out in front of a Wal Mart store after giving blood at the bloodmobile in the parking lot. I ended up being transported to the ER. It took me about four minutes to completely faint and I was very frightened as it felt like I was becoming slowly paralyzed. All is well now, but I did share the news with family members by email.
Daughter-in-law sent me two lines saying she couldn't type much as she was holding the baby. No calls from her or my son to see how I was doing. Sister who lives in Europe finally emailed me about 10 days later and mentioned it in passing.
It does hurt when family members don't respond with emotional support when you need it.
With the men in my life, most of them would be willing to try to be emotionally supportive, but I would have to ask them specifically for what I need. None of them seem to have the instinct to sit and comfort someone, but they are more than willing to offer support in the form of "helpful service", such as mowing lawns, etc.
I totally understand how you feel Cypress. A couple of weeks ago I passed out in front of a Wal Mart store after giving blood at the bloodmobile in the parking lot. I ended up being transported to the ER. It took me about four minutes to completely faint and I was very frightened as it felt like I was becoming slowly paralyzed. All is well now, but I did share the news with family members by email.
Daughter-in-law sent me two lines saying she couldn't type much as she was holding the baby. No calls from her or my son to see how I was doing. Sister who lives in Europe finally emailed me about 10 days later and mentioned it in passing.
It does hurt when family members don't respond with emotional support when you need it.
Even though we all think our family should just 'get it' and speak up, or that they should just 'know' what emotional support is to you, it's important to ask for support! Evey one of us has been that unintentional dolt who didn't say the right thing to someone we love because... we didn't realize they wanted/needed our words! Or we assumed that by being quiet, they wanted privacy... we all make our own assumptions about what's right.
Give your friends and family a break from mind-reading [which they are apparently not so good at anyway :) ] and say what you need, specifically, out loud. It's not instinct, it's learned communications styles, and each one of us is different.
"I recently had a bad medical experience and I am reaching out for love and support. Please call or email me - I need some friends right now!" What would you do if you got that message in your inbox? I'd be grateful my friend told me what's up, and I would call ASAP!
bagelgirl
6-27-11, 10:25pm
Redfox, there is a lot of value in what you said. HOWEVER, my closest friend about dropped her laptop and rushed to the phone as soon as she read my message. Another friend also got back to me quickly. It's hard not to fault the ones who don't call at all.
well here's the things. Our friends are our friends because they are involved in our lives. Our relatives have their own lives and, often, we aren't that close to them. I am sure there are things that your brother is sensitive about that you don't even know. Ask him sometime.
Most family members have a line that goes "Well, there was this time..... blah blah,.... and you didn't even phone me, seem to care, pay any attention or whatever.
My family members don't know me as an adult anywhere near as much as my girlfriends.
Redfox, there is a lot of value in what you said. HOWEVER, my closest friend about dropped her laptop and rushed to the phone as soon as she read my message. Another friend also got back to me quickly. It's hard not to fault the ones who don't call at all.
Faulting them to what end?
Miss Cellane
6-28-11, 10:11am
Another thing I've read (I think it was in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus), is that men like to fix things. When faced with something they can't fix, they move away or shut down, because they don't know what to do. This might be what your brother is doing.
Once I read that little fact, I saw it happening all the time with men I know--my dad, my brothers, guys at work. Give them something to *do* and they're on it right away. Need sympathy from them? You're going to have to ask for it, and they are going to need practice to get it right.
So if you needed a ride to the exam, or someone to take care of your pets, or something like that, would your brother be willing to help out, if he lived close enough? He may have missed the target with the email, but would he be willing to help you out in other ways?
goldensmom
6-28-11, 5:27pm
Sounds like a normal 'brother' response to me. They think different and words don't always get into their head the way we want them to nor do they always know how to react to news such as yours. I would be glad if my brother(s)* responded the way your brother did with at least the initial inquiry regarding the tests. Wishing you well.
*By the way, I have 4 brothers.
rodeosweetheart
6-28-11, 5:32pm
"So if you needed a ride to the exam, or someone to take care of your pets, or something like that, would your brother be willing to help out, if he lived close enough? He may have missed the target with the email, but would he be willing to help you out in other ways?"
What a good point, Miss. I am going to need to think about this because you're right, not everyone responds to things the way I would do. This really captured my attention, and thank you!
Guys withdraw, not reach out, when faced with loss and potential loss
Guys don't like to think about bad things happening to yet another family member... a sister no less
Guys don't like talking about their sister's breasts
(these are all generalizations)
You know him better than any of us, but it does sound like you're reading too much into a disjointed email. First thought "How did the test go" Second thought "Oh, Patty is in town for a funeral and we're getting together" Third thought "and here's my update on this big event in my life". I wouldn't try and weave a something into those three separate thoughts.
just my two cents as an insensitive guy type
I had the test this morning. The mammo center was a quiet little old hospital building that was well appointed. The setting for me can be just as important as the procedure. Is it clean? Colorful? How was I greeted? How long did I wait? This staff and visit was quite different from the experience at the larger modern hospital. The nurses were fabulous. The procedure took about 20 minutes? I was well prepared, folks took the time to explain things clearly. I prepared myself by talking to people and working out the fears a bit ahead of time. I even think my cats suspected there Mum was off as one brought me a small rodent yesterday and another brought a mouse in the house this afternoon. They haven't done any serious mouse hunting since I moved into this place 1 1/2 years ago.
I had three cysts and it sounds like the nurses and radiologist were able to deflate them all in a normal way. This was a positive procedure. They did not have to do a biopsy on any cysts. Or, leave a tag in for follow up. The fluids are sent to a lab and I expect a call late next week with the results. Until I get the news, I'll still wonder. That was a scary procedure for me. The nurses said this is common and at that facility may do 10 per day. 10! I have a curious numbness or maybe a cramp in my right hand since this morning. That's new.
I came home and had a nice lunch. After that I washed my bathroom walls and floors. My goal is to paint the walls this weekend for a fresh look. All things considered I had something to be fearful of and worked out my anxieties in a way that does no harm. I'd rather hear from you'all than blunder in the midst of anxiety and have regrets.
Hopefully, the fluids will be harmless. I'd like to see a guy go through this and hear how that would feel. Jeez, it's best to close the eyes as watching that needle come close was cause enough for anxiety. Yikes, major poking and prodding.
Wow, Cypress, congratulations on getting through this procedure! I too hope the results are what you want to hear. I get the anxiety and fear...
rodeosweetheart
6-29-11, 5:52pm
Fingers crossed for a great result!
I hear you about the guy thing--my poor husband had to have a double inguinal hernia operation in December and I swear it was pretty close to what you are describing--he was very scared, too. He is really kind and supportive, though, with medical stuff and God knows I have given him enough to worry about!
We all respond differently to bad stuff...no need to judge.
Recently, a male relative had 2 (!!!) malignant melanomas removed and was joking about having to "grow more skin."
I checked w/ one of my oncologist friends--80% reoccurance if the original tumor is greater than 0.7mm deep, or w/ involved lymph nodes.
Cypress...wishing you only good news.:)
I'm glad your procedure went well, Cypress. It wouldn't surprise me if some men go through this kind of test, as they can get breast cancer too--a little known fact.
Sounds like something my brother would say. I don't think most men are not wired or not conditioned to give emotional support. It doesn't mean they don't care.
Sounds like something my brother would say. I don't think most men are not wired or not conditioned to give emotional support. It doesn't mean they don't care.
It sounds like something my brother would say, too, and something I would say to my brother. We are pretty much "just the facts please" with each other.
And having had a swirl of illness and death around us the past 6 months, we've been tested at this very thing.
I think it probably has more to do with personal style than with unthoughtfulness, or maybe it's a guy thing. I was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer, and will probably opt for the surgical option. I'm scared to death, forced to choose between three equally horrid options. My older brother tells me that he thought he was supposed to be falling apart before I did, being twelve years older. Another brother tells me that it must be some strange diet plan, removing body parts rather than cutting calories, since I had my gallbladder removed a few years ago. Neither one of them were being uncaring; rather, it's just the way we relate to one another.
rodeosweetheart
7-2-11, 3:56pm
Hey kfander, hang in there, best wishes for a strong and speedy recover, from your friend,
Rodeosweetheart,( 27.5 years after cervical cancer diagnosis!:))
Rodeosweetheart, thank you.
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