View Full Version : ending long term friendships
Would you end long term friendhips if you feel that you now have nothing in common and are on different sides of the fence politically, religiouly, lifestyle-wise?
In an old thread I mentioned I had mostly male friends (totally platonic) because it's who I usually have interacted with in what would be considered male-dominated jobs, hobbies, sports, etc... These are guys I hang out with, socialize with and have developed bonds with - some very long term And while I have alot of female aquaintences, I have really only 3 female "friends" - i.e. women who I have know for years and who were close friends with since my teens when things like politics, religion or lifestyle really didn't matter - only boys and clothes :-)! We have always kept in touch over the years and got together when ever I was in town to talk about old times and what is going on in our lives but really nothing more than that. Last year when I moved back near my hometown we started to see each other on a regular basis and do more things together. However, now that we spend more time together (we're also all fairly recently divorced) I just now am realizing that I have absolutely NOTHING in common with them and that we don't enjoy the same things at all. I like them as they are nice people, but I really am not interested in "hanging" with them anymore. I have tried to go back to a more "occasional get together" kind of relationship but that hasn't worked as they are always asking me to go out with them here and there for this and that and seem to get put off when I don't. So I am considering just letting this last few female friends go the way of the Dodo. Hard to do but I can't seem to find a happy medium without insulting them by refusing toi do things with them. What do you think? Should I just end these relationships?
I would let the friendships go, but wouldn't "end" them per se.
I wish you could tell them an occasional get together is all you're up for, but I don't know if that's realistic Otherwise I would stop doing anything with them (maybe exception of really special occasions), beause I wouldn't want someone hanging with me just out of old times sake when we have nothing in common now.
I would let them fade away by just declining the constant invitations. If your friends "get put off", well that's their problem and if they don't like it they will eventually stop calling and there goes your dilemma.
On the other hand, if you would still like to get together once in a while just let them know you are busy but don't want to lose touch.
I had a friend from high school that I continued to stay in touch with for years. A time came when she would be living in and out of my city and we got together twice. Boy, sending a letter a few times a year is so different from face-to-face. We had nothing in common at all. She was, and still is, a good person but there was nothing to keep our friendship going. When she returned to town the next time and gave me a call I just said I didn't have time to meet and did not mention we'd try again the next time. I never heard from her again.
Thanks for the advise. I will probably end the friendships even though they are really the only female friends I have - other then women I play sports with and only see for that. They are nice woman, and I have tryed to get them to do activities that we all like, but they are very focused on doing the club scene - getting all dressed up and going dancing until all hours of the night and "man hunting". I am TOTALLY not into that at all. It's fun occasionally - like once a year - but otherwise I can't stand it. But that's all they want to do irregardless of my suggestions to do other things like ride our bike on the beach and then hit a beach bar to oogle men ;-)! But they don't want that. They want to dress up and do upscale stuff and I don't. I've gone with them alot to try and support them since a couple of them are newly single, but between that and certain basic differences in personallity and values (they are ultra conservative christians) and many off-handed comments they make that I find racist or sexist (i.e. "women can't do math" and "women shouldn't work a man's job"), I'm going to let them go. I don't like doing traditionally "girly" things anyways, so I think I'd be happier concentration on people who share similiar interests.
I would let them fade away by just declining the constant invitations. If your friends "get put off", well that's their problem and if they don't like it they will eventually stop calling and there goes your dilemma.
I agree with jania 100%. It's okay if they get put off. It's HARD to do, I know this personally as I've been going through it as well.
But the alternative is to keep spending your time and life energy with people who don't really add anything to your life. The discomfort of not giving them the response they want is worth it, in my book. Now I can devote my time to people I really care about, and who contribute something positive to my life.
P.S. I'm much more comfortable with my male friends too, and hate the club scene with a purple passion...so I empathize! :)
Just to play devil's advocate just a smidgen, though: I have some friends with whom I don't share political or religious beliefs, and I often learn something from them -- as long as they don't try to foist their beliefs on me, nor vice versa. I come away from our (infrequent) get-togethers feeling well-rounded. You might consider whether you might get any sort of benefit from including "the other side" in your life.
Arriving late to respond, but I wouldn't end a friendship unless something really serious happened. Instead, I would take Kally's and Jania's advice and just them go naturally (if that's the direction they indeed take).
I don't have anything to add, except I agree to let them fade into the sunset. If this means they get mad at you for not wanting to go out with them all the time, then so be it. I've been in a similar situation where I was close with certain people because of the same job. But once I no longer worked with them, all they had to talk about was things I didn't really believe in, philosophically, politically, etc.. Its sort of sad, but unless you're getting anything pleasurable out of the relationship, why spend your time in it?
Good luck to you. I know its not an easy position to be in.
I also think it might be good to say, "I'm just not into the bar scene" when they call. That's honest, and it will give them a heads-up that if they call to invite you out, they need to propose something different.
Oh my. I wish you lived closer. I'd love a bike ride on the beach girl buddy. Even though I'm very happily married, I would accompany you to the bar and support you in your oogling. Because that is what friends do for each other. It would be a sacrifice but what are friends for? :)
Really though. I have to wonder about conservative Christian women wanting to do the bar scene. I move in those circles and my single women friends don't do that. They are all about Bible studies and their cats and participating in the local Christian singles group which seems to have a wide range of activities like hiking and going to movies and book clubs.
Really though. I have to wonder about conservative Christian women wanting to do the bar scene. I move in those circles and my single women friends don't do that. They are all about Bible studies and their cats and participating in the local Christian singles group which seems to have a wide range of activities like hiking and going to movies and book clubs.
I was wondering about that myself.
Just to play devil's advocate just a smidgen, though: I have some friends with whom I don't share political or religious beliefs, and I often learn something from them -- as long as they don't try to foist their beliefs on me, nor vice versa. I come away from our (infrequent) get-togethers feeling well-rounded. You might consider whether you might get any sort of benefit from including "the other side" in your life.
Oh I agree 100%. It's not really the differences in politics, religion, etc... that I have trouble with it's more the lifestyle issues. But yes, sometimes they will say something I consider racist or sexist or whateverist and I have a hard time not responding to it. I'm happy that they have their own opinions and don't want them to just reflect mine back on me, but trying to aviod conflict has been getting harder. And alot of it is just a basic difference in personality types: I'm sort of a joker and wise-cracker and a bit rough around the edges (OK more than a bit :-)!) and they are very sweet, gentle and kind so we often just don't click with each other and I feel that I have to stifle my personality - something I rebel against doing with a vengence. But it's hard to give up on female friends I've known forever but I think that compatability is more important in friendships with people you see regularly than lenght of the relationship.
Oh my. I wish you lived closer. I'd love a bike ride on the beach girl buddy. Even though I'm very happily married, I would accompany you to the bar and support you in your oogling. Because that is what friends do for each other. It would be a sacrifice but what are friends for? :)
Really though. I have to wonder about conservative Christian women wanting to do the bar scene. I move in those circles and my single women friends don't do that. They are all about Bible studies and their cats and participating in the local Christian singles group which seems to have a wide range of activities like hiking and going to movies and book clubs.
Well we can bike ride theu the golden wheat and corn fields on the Great Plains and oogle farmers - I've heard some nice things about those mid-western farm boys :-)!
Yes they do go to Christian singles groups but like to "par-tay" a bit too. They are seriously "Man Hunting" - i.e. husband hunting - and are looking for a man of means (can you say "Gold Digger"? I knew you could :-)!! and not really as focused on the humble christian men they meet at the church singles functions. They aren't big drinkers or loose women or anything like that but like to do the whole dressing-up and fine dining and dancing thing in very upsacle places. They are from Orange County, CAlif ("The OC") and could pass for any of the "The Real Housewifes From the OC" women so I think they enjoy those upscale things because that's where they will meet upscale men (or "quality men" as they say. Hmmm... I always thought of "quality men" as being honest and kind and honorable rather than how much money they make or what kind of car and home they have). But other than that difference they are great people - just different from me. I was the Maid of Honor for 2 of them when they got married the first time, so we did have a close bond when we were younger but time change. I changed, they changed and I think it's time for us all to move on. I'll oogle my poor beach boys while they hunt for the old guy with the Ferrari and fat wallet :-)!
Hi Spartana. I just wanted to say, you stick with your old-fashioned ways of finding someone that will love you for all you are worth, dedicate themselves to you wholeheartedly, and cherish every moment you two are together. There's way more in a man of that stature, than there will ever be in the other, because in relationships where the money dries up, there's never anything left, whereas when you find yourself someone decent, respectful, and dedicated, love (in most cases) will always be there.
I can actually see and understand (just from reading your posts, your last post in particular) that not only would it be tiring watching your friends performance, but just being around that sort of mentality from day to day would be grinding in the sense of reducing. It's all too common nowadays...
Well we can bike ride theu the golden wheat and corn fields on the Great Plains and oogle farmers - I've heard some nice things about those mid-western farm boys :-)! And everything you've heard is true! But then, I'm partial to the sandy-haired, corn fed, Midwestern boy, so much so I married me one.
Yes they do go to Christian singles groups but like to "par-tay" a bit too. They are seriously "Man Hunting" - i.e. husband hunting - and are looking for a man of means (can you say "Gold Digger"? I knew you could :-)!! and not really as focused on the humble christian men they meet at the church singles functions. They aren't big drinkers or loose women or anything like that but like to do the whole dressing-up and fine dining and dancing thing in very upsacle places. They are from Orange County, CAlif ("The OC") and could pass for any of the "The Real Housewifes From the OC" women so I think they enjoy those upscale things because that's where they will meet upscale men (or "quality men" as they say. Hmmm... I always thought of "quality men" as being honest and kind and honorable rather than how much money they make or what kind of car and home they have). But other than that difference they are great people - just different from me. I was the Maid of Honor for 2 of them when they got married the first time, so we did have a close bond when we were younger but time change. I changed, they changed and I think it's time for us all to move on. I'll oogle my poor beach boys while they hunt for the old guy with the Ferrari and fat wallet :-)!
Oh, they are definitely not the volksmarching or cats type, then.
I can't imagine living like one of those Real Housewives. I mean, what if you get caught in the rain? The hair, the clothes, the make up, the shoes...all ruined. Way too much work for me. I don't move in those OC circles at all either so I'm with you, wish them well and let both of you move on. I hope their man of means will make them as content as you are oogling your beach boys.
Hi Spartana. I just wanted to say, you stick with your old-fashioned ways of finding someone that will love you for all you are worth, dedicate themselves to you wholeheartedly, and cherish every moment you two are together. There's way more in a man of that stature, than there will ever be in the other, because in relationships where the money dries up, there's never anything left, whereas when you find yourself someone decent, respectful, and dedicated, love (in most cases) will always be there.
I can actually see and understand (just from reading your posts, your last post in particular) that not only would it be tiring watching your friends performance, but just being around that sort of mentality from day to day would be grinding in the sense of reducing. It's all too common nowadays...
Well after almost 20 years of marriage to what was "the perfect guy for me" (careers and the desire for differing lifestyles caused us to mutually agree to breakup) I am very happily single and am not looking to get married again any time soon - if ever. So while I'm not looking for a serious relationship, I still get to oogle :devil:!! But you are right, just being around the whole club scene is something I really hate with a passion. I find it boring, not to mention expensive! I'd rather spend my time, and time with my friends, doing fun, healthy, interesting things. But they really want to get re-married to men who will financially support them (want to quit their jobs) and provide the upscale lifestyle they want (bigger better boobs and botox :0!:~):laff:) so want to focus all their free time and energy to that end. I just wanna have fun :D!!
Oh, they are definitely not the volksmarching or cats type, then.
Oh no, definetly not :-)! They are of the Lexis driving, Sex and the City styled, Ritz Carlton vacation in the South of France kind of women. Very nice, very classy, very sweet but ...er... not my type. Give me a Volksmarching catwoman friend anyday :-)!
Spartana. Just what ever you do, don't short-change yourself in the have fun and enjoy yourself department. :)
Spartana. Just what ever you do, don't short-change yourself in the have fun and enjoy yourself department. :)
Oh you never have to worry about that happening. I believe we'll all be ice skating in what was once a very hot place before I short changed myself on anything :devil:
Hmmm... maybe I'll be the cure for global warming - I do have that "hero-complex" :laff:!
But seriously, I agree with you that the best way to live your life is to live YOUR life irregardless of what other people are telling you to do. I only wish I could convince my friends to relax, have fun, be themselves and enjoy doing the things THEY like to do. I think that's the best way to meet someone you are compatable with. I had a great ex-DH (you would have liked him Mrs. M - he was the epitomy of a courtly gentleman during all the 20 years we were together) and we were very compatible in pretty much everyway. I meet him by being myself - a little grease monkey rough and tumble ship's engineer. I certainly wasn't dolled up or using my feminine wiles to ensnare him. Just going about my life and doing what I loved to do. He was a guy who liked independant women and who valued me as the real person I am - not someone I pretended to be. That's what I try to tell my friends: Be yourself rather than some ornament and you'll attract a guy who'll like you for you. Oh, and by "having fun" I'm talking about playing volleybal and riding my bike not..er...um... ah... picking up strange men and doing unmentionables with them :|(:0! Even us single-not-wanting-to-get-married girls have our moral standards.
Spartana. What a shame in your relationship ending, but I'm a firm believer in the adage, "being single and happy and content far exceeds being partnered and unhappy". There's a lot to be said about that. It seems, from everything I'm seeing today, that being single is becoming more and more the way. It's a strong movement. A lot of people have moved away from traditional marriages and relationships, but I don't like all the dirt I see (and hear about) nowadays.
Spartana. What a shame in your relationship ending, but I'm a firm believer in the adage, "being single and happy and content far exceeds being partnered and unhappy". There's a lot to be said about that. It seems, from everything I'm seeing today, that being single is becoming more and more the way. It's a strong movement. A lot of people have moved away from traditional marriages and relationships, but I don't like all the dirt I see (and hear about) nowadays.
Well I think alot of people find greater fulfillment in life being single than in marriage. I've known since I was a little girl that I wasn't the marrying type since the only marriages at that time were traditional marriages and I knew that wasn't for me. So imagine my suprise meeting someone in the late 1970's (married in 1981) who I was compatable with! Someone who was not only kind and gentlmanly (and hunky to boot ;-)!) but who also supported my crazy career and lifestyle on equal terms with his. Someone who didn't expect a traditional spouse - and didn't want one - and had no issues with things like me keeping my own last name (I did), and appreciated my skills and desire to work in what-was-then a traditionally male job. Like me, he wanted a someone to share his life with not someone to be his caretaker. So, having not met anyone even in these modern times ;-) who has those same qualities, and me unwilling to compromise on what I consider the very essence of my being, I chose to remain happily single. Maybe I'll meet that unique person, maybe I won't. I'll be happy either way.
Spartana. You sum it all up best in your closing sentence. "Maybe I'll meet that unique person, maybe I won't. I'll be happy either way". Bingo! It's surprising how few people think that way although. What a great attribute. :)
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