View Full Version : So nice!
I just wanted post this because it's nice to hear something positive in the Family forum once in a while. :~)
This week feels like a shift has occurred in my house. Things have gotten easier. I went to take a bath the other day and magically, without my having anything at all to do with it, the bathroom had been cleaned. My DH and six year old daughter did it. Cheyenne even came into the bathroom while I was bathing, took out the toilet bowl cleaner and said, "I love this stuff mom. It get's the toilet sparkling clean." :cool:
Every day this week the dishes have been done without me having anything at all to do with it. Isabella emptied the clean dishes from the dishwasher and put them away and Cheyenne washed the dirty dishes. Breakfast dishes have magically made it into the dishwasher without my assistance and even the living room has been cleaned with no more than a suggestion from me. The laundry was washed by DH and put away in the correct bins by the girls.
This is not to say that things are perfect around here or that the kids never complain or need help, but we are definitely reaching a new level of maturity and it is so much fun to see. The kids are feeling it too. They are proud of themselves because they know that they are making a real contribution to our family life. They can tangibly see the value they bring to the world. I love it!
That`s a sign of a good mom Stella! Good job on training your children to be responsible contributing human beings.
Thanks, Stella, that was nice to read first thing this morning.
That is so great! They are learning responsibility and what it means to be part of a family. I'm sure the help is a relief to you, too! :-)
I know you are already doing this: praise and rewards! Whoo hoo, Stella!
Wow, I am so impressed. The girls are what, six and four? this is amazing. You are doing more than a few things right, Stella! Good for you and your family.
Thanks guys! Leslieann, the girls are 6 and 5. They really are good kids. Fun to be around, most of the time. Like I said, I don't want to give the impression that there's never any conflict or anything like that, but for the most part they are fabulous.
I actually give this forum, along with my grandma, some credit for their responsible attitudes. A few years ago there was a discussion about chores on SLN and I think it might have been LC and bae (in possibly the only thread they ever agreed in :) ) who talked about teaching their kids life skills at an early age. Rosemary e-mailed me some fun chore resources. That same week I was folding clothes with my grandma and she was talking about what life was like when she was a kid, the second youngest of seven kids. She talked about her farm chores and house chores and how even though she sometimes complained about them, she did see as an adult that she had grown up feeling trustworthy and capable because of them. That was when I really dug in and started working with them.
That's great to hear Stella! Isn't it a great feeling when you don't have to do it all yourself, or constantly ask for things to be done? Good job on the teaching!
Oh, I heartily concur.
My kids clean the house every other week. They print out the chore list, they round robin who is going to do which chore and the entire house gets clean in 2 hours. They are proud that they countribute to the running of our home. They know how to do it. (DIL tells the story on herself, that when she left home to go to college, she had never done laundry and never put gas in her car) They have confidence that they can learn life skills and take care of themselves. They don't complain about it, I pay them. They learn the more work they do, the more money they get. They learn how to save and spend and take on extra jobs if they want extra cash.
DD has learned how to do some minor home repair. DS#2 can do minor software repair. And they can drive a tractor (learned that one at dad's house.)
My kids are a joy to be around too.
I get it Stella!
Everyone should be raising their kids in this manner. Congrats to you--you're doing a great job!
Stella that's wonderful. I too think you deserve alot of credit for teaching your girls well. My son has much of the same attitude. We are a family, we eat together, work together and enjoy the fun parts of life together.
I remember when ds was barely 4 yrs old and had just started preschool. We were having a quiet family dinner at home. Ds finished first and got up and immediately cleared his place at the table. Dh and I just silently watched. Apparently this was required of the kids at school. I still laugh at myself when I think about this moment-I never would have asked him to do something like that at such a young age.
Next lesson: laundry! Just as soon as we get moved into the new place. HeeHeeHee!
Thanks everyone! I love hearing your stories of your responsible, helpful kids too. It does my heart good to think about!
bke, laundry is something I am anxiously anticipating giving over to the kids. Their laundry, anyway, and I'd pay them to do Grandpa's if they were willing. I'm hoping to eventually assign each kid a laundry day to wash their laundry for the week. I think that would be the fair way to divide it up since some people (Cheyenne) like to change clothes a lot and some people (me) sometimes wear the same pants a couple of days in a row.
Please tell me your secrets!
I am about to give birth to my first child and to move in with my SO and his two teenagers. All of us are messy.
I know the first step is that I have to work on my own habits, and I am doing that (slowly). But what specific strategies helped you train your kids? And what are the "chore resources" others let you know about?
EJ, it's kind of hard to describe what we've been aiming for and how we're working with our kids, but I'll try. I think the overall atmosphere I want us to have in our household is one where we all have some sense of pride and ownership in our family and home. Little kids start wanting to help before they are really capable of doing anything and I think that's where the temptation is strong to just send them away and do everything yourself. It seems easier to just do the thing than to teach them how to do it, supervise them doing it and encourage their efforts, but a couple of years of really digging in seems to be paying off big time.
I try to keep chores a low-drama thing as much as possible. I have tried to be pleasant and matter-of-fact when teaching them and patient with their efforts. Housework is a set of skills and it takes time to learn it. Chores aren't optional the way brushing your teeth, going to bed at bedtime and schoolwork are not optional. They're just part of the fabric of everyday life.
I try to keep most things low-drama actually. Routines are really useful for that. The more a thing is a routine the less the kids fight it. Both my husband and I grew up in households that were an odd mix of chaotic and rigid. We're aiming for stable, but flexible and routines make kids feel stable. That's not to say that we always clean the bathroom at 3:00PM on Wednesdays or something arbitrary like that. I find that gets in the way. Then, the first time you have a doctors appointment at 3:00PM on a Wednesday you lose the rhythm and the bathroom goes another couple of weeks without cleaning. The balance of what works for every household is different and routines change, so you have to be willing to change with it. You'll find your groove.
Also, while I don't follow the kids around praising their every move, I do try to give them some kind of sincere praise when I see them go above and beyond or when I see them reaching a new level of maturity. I try to be specific. "Isabella, I saw that you noticed your brother's coat had fallen on the floor and that you picked it up and put it on the hook. Thanks for that. I really love that you are learning to be so proactive. That is very helpful," or "Cheyenne, it was really nice to go take a bath and find that you had cleaned the bathroom. Don't you love how relaxing it is to take a bath when the bathroom is freshly cleaned?" I think if you're specific it means more than just a general "good job" comment. More than money I find satisfaction in my work when I know it's made a difference and I'm hoping that is what can motivate my kids too. Satisfaction and pride in their work. It feels good to accomplish something that is useful and appreciated. I think it works because they do it to me sometimes too. "Mom, this is a really good dinner. This is one of my favourite soups. Thanks for making it."
My final bit of advice is to make things as easy as possible on yourself by observing the way you actually use things and organizing them accordingly. My big example of this is my brand-new dressing room. I moved into this house for the first time when I was seven. In all those years I don't know how often the clean laundry has actually made it from the basement to the bedrooms on the fifth and sixth floors of my split level house. It's not many. Instead of forcing everyone to make that trek, we just decided to simplify things. We built a dressing room in the basement near the washer and dryer. The dressing room had shelves with baskets for each person for pants, shirts, pajamas and socks/underwear. The baskets and a dedicated clothes bar for good clothes are at a height appropriate for each member of the family. That makes it easier for everyone to take responsibility for putting their laundry away. The kids can reach and see their clothes. The dirty clothes are put in a hamper in the dressing room where they have to be moved just a short way to the washer and dryer and a short way back to the baskets when they are clean. The laundry is entirely contained in one small space and the closets in our rooms are freed up for other uses. It takes about 1/3 as much time and about 100 times less energy to wash and put away a load of laundry this way, so it's not as big a deal.
I hope that helps!
That's great, Stella. Thanks so much for taking the time to explain all that.
And at the risk of hijacking the thread ... if any other parents out there, have suggestions, I'd love to hear those too!
ejchase--I think tha Stella is right on the money!
1) Look around. pay attention to what your particular situaltion is.
2) Model the behavior that you want to create. This works with younger children because it is the culture that they grow up in and is "normal." BUT, it also works with a situation such as yours with older folks coming together to create a home (think, for example if you were the RA on a freshman dorm) by setting the expectations and no one person is "Lord" over the others w/o walking the walk. My kids do all sorts of unexpected things ALL the time. BUT they see me model for them a willingness to serve, and a steadfastness in setting limits when needed. If my time is free, I will drive any of them to any activity they ask. BUT, I always tell them to put their requests on the calendar, so if another sibling has a previous request, that gets honored first. Or, as they all know, work obligations take precidence over play obligations.
3) Most folks have an inate sense of fairness and it will not be a problem. For those folks that have an intolerable sense of entitlement...well, you will know who they are soon enough and EVERYONE will want to help you set limits for them. :0
Best of luck, ejchase.
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