Toxic family dynamic

[screamingflea]

My family is normally very cool, and I'll be the first to admit that most of this is self-imposed. I just need to get it out anyway. It's mostly whining. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I've decided not to go to the giant cattle-call family gatherings any more. I just can't afford it emotionally. Everyone is great and completely welcoming, and honestly it's a major reason why I moved all the way across the country. The problem is that my disability has left me flopping around like a dying fish on the launch pad of life, and it's excruciating to see everyone else of my generation go on to successful careers, happy marriages, and bouncing babies in their 20s. I'm 37 and what do I have to show for my life? I'm a flippin' mental case on welfare. Humiliating. Beyond words.

Yesterday I was in the car with my mother, aunt, and grandmother driving to another city for another of these gatherings. I mentioned my new bus pass and that I'm thinking of selling my car. We had fun debating the merits of local mass transit, relative to the costs of renting a car for my longer trips. Then out of nowhere, my aunt (normally a bastion of gentleness and compassion) went off on a tirade about how nobody in the family wants to chauffer me around all the time so I'd better not factor that into my decision. I'm just being brutally honest, you know, because you need to understand that you can't depend on us. We don't want to be put in that position. I was speechless.

I really thought she knew me better than that as a person. What she doesn't know is the absurd lengths I've gone to over the years not to turn to the family for help. I've had my utilities shut off for non-payment. I've driven illegally without insurance. I've dumpstered groceries, and not in the fun hipster way. All to spare my family the burden and embarrassment of having such a f$ckup polluting their gene pool.

Worse, when I've been seriously suicidal over the years it was usually because I am a burden on society. (It goes without saying that my rationale is dead on - I'm on Social Security, living in subsidized housing, and eating off food stamps and the charity food bank.) Does she know all this? Of course not. I've spent my whole damn life making sure nobody did. My life amounts to less than zero, and it's just too humiliating to talk about.

My mother knows some of this picture because we're very close, and she came to my defense. I couldn't tell my aunt what she needed to hear because I didn't want to go into the context. After I got home I cried for over an hour. Right now I don't want to talk to anyone in the family, even my mother. My aunt is out of the picture indefinitely (which probably means a couple of weeks) as a point of emotional self-defense. Sadly that means my uncle is out too because they're inseparable. And of course they'll assume that I'm sulking because this is just too sensitive and emotional an issue for me to discuss at all, much less at a time like this.

Okay, you can pull out your violins now.

[Gina]

Dear screamingflea, your aunt said some unfortunate, unkind things. In my opinion there is no excuse for being so cruel.

I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted you to know I hear your pain.

[Crystal]

Not much to offer by way of comfort. When your life really sucks, even the most innocuous subject like a bus pass can lead into a surreal conversation. Sounds like your aunt had a knee-jerk reaction based on something in her own life unrelated to you at all. You are a good person with a lot to offer the world. Don't let the turkeys get you down.

[Anne Lee]

I agree w/ Crystal. I have to say her response really wasn't about you. If I had to guess, I would say that she feels she was taken advantage of at some point in the past and was setting some boundaries in a rather heavy handed way.

(sigh) Most people are pretty bad at setting boundaries. Either they wait too long where it's done out of anger and frustration or else they jump the gun and slam the boundary down before it's really needed.

[bagelgirl]

I really do understand this. I knew a woman who couldn't have children and had a difficult time being around people with babies.

And I lost my mother when I was young and seriously couldn't make friends with people who had a great mother. They felt like they were from another planet.

I'm just saying I think your reaction is natural.

[screamingflea]

My mom called me this morning and the conversation went from me telling her kindly that I didn't want to talk to ANYONE in the family right now, to spilling it all over again, to her taking me out for lunch. (Sigh.) Then as she dropped me off at home she left me with yet more urgently needed cash. (Sigh!!) She said that after she dropped me off last night she gave my aunt a stinging lecture, with examples, about how I NEVER crawl to anyone for help. It sounds like she's sufficiently chastised. That's not the kind of person she is at all, and my reaction has a lot to do with that. If she were naturally a b1tch I would have shrugged it off, but coming from her it caught me completely off guard.

I'll talk to her eventually to clear the air, but not today. Today I'm coddling myself and that's all there is to it. She can await my leisure.

Thanks everyone.

[catherine]

Please don't let your aunt scare you away from family gatherings if you otherwise feel they are supportive and loving to you. You said you moved across the country to be nearer to them--and I agree, there's nothing like the unconditional love of a family. So just because one aunt laid out a few "conditions" doesn't mean you should just hide away!!

Your aunt obviously pushed some raw buttons for you, but don't take it personally.

[redfox]

Bless your mom for her kindness and generosity.

[djen]

When something comes out of the blue like that, I have come to call it "catching someone else's crap." I really think that's probably what happened here, like some of the other posters have said. You said something that hit a button for your aunt that had nothing to do with you, and she went off on it.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've had a few situations like that where I've been really stung down to the heart by someone else's actions. Especially when their button just happens to line up with my deep spot, and it hurts a lot more than they know (and I want to let on!)

(((((screamingflea)))))

[Dhiana]

You rec'd a lot of support from the board regarding your thoughts on going CarFree. Unfortunately, I too have encountered strange/negative attitudes from people towards those of us who do go CarFree. My husband and I have chosen to go CarFree in part because we just returned to the states from overseas and are expected to move back overseas shortly. So economically and environmentally it wasn't practical for our situation to buy a car.

Some people feel sorry for us that we don't have a car. Huh?? I don't know why they feel this way, we are both financially and physically sound (knock on wood)and could buy most any car with cash. We live in an area with multiple bus routes and have no trouble walking to or taking the bus to complete our errands.

Many others feel that if they plan things with us that they will need to pick us up/drop us off, etc. Wah?? At no time have we requested pick ups or drop offs and very often there is a bus stop right in front of many restaurants we visit. While our friends are worried about getting a parking ticket, and often leave the restaurant to check on the car, we say we got to use 'valet' parking and simply enjoy our meal =P

I found it is much easier for me to simply tell people it is our own personal experiment to see what it takes to go CarFree in SoCal. That seems to ease people's 'guilt/attitude' about what we are doing. I often liken it to comments I receive when they learn I am vegetarian...I sometimes think the comments come from their own negative feelings about their own 'bad' (re:different) choices they make within their own lives.

I know it was really hard to hear what your Aunt had to say, but don't let it get you down. It is very possible you will hear something similar from others, not just family, it is normal when people are confronted with something so different from their own lifestyle. In this respect you can become a CarFree leader in your community, quietly leading by example =)
Dhiana

[screamingflea]

Thanks Dhiana. And everyone. What makes this even more weird is that since leaving my last job my mother has been supporting me - secretly because we both know it would be controversial. So for me that's a double layer of sneaking around because I'm not happy taking her help in the first place. But without it there's just no way of getting by.

The job search is finally yielding some modest results, which my mother constantly reminds me about every time I get discouraged. Perhaps I should be more grateful, but I just hate this. When she and I first worked out her little subsidy, she said that was one reason she was willing to do it - I obviously wasn't taking it for granted. Now she just teases me about digging into my inheritance early.

[Wildflower]

Awww, flea, you're lucky to have such a loving Mother! And you yourself are such a strong person dealing with all that you do. I admire you! I'm sure your Aunt was just having a moment - she probably has been taken advantage of by someone that was without a car before and that hit a sore spot with her. We all have our triggers. I'm sure all will be well with you and her in the future....

[Anne Lee]

There are people in this world who think they must Be Responsible For Everything and I suspect your aunt has a little bit of this tendency. She was probably feeling overwhelmed by your decision to be a bus rider because She Is Not A Busrider. There are people that are that way, especially about family. If the decision is unfamiliar or threatening to them, they tense up and whoomp there it is - negativity, fear and implied criticism. Never mind that the other person in question hasn't asked for their permission, support or help.

!pow! I have no idea what this thingy is for, but maybe it will make you smile.

[screamingflea]

It did!! I'm a big HP Lovecraft fan. Shub Niggurath!!

[iris lily]

I'm glad you've got your mother on your side. This is what's worth moving there for.

I take it that your mom and father are divorced? I know that you don't interact with him. So, I hope htat's easy to do and he's somewhere else.

[Charity]

Your life is not worth less than zero. Don't think that for a minute. I know a lot of people that have all the trappings of sucess and they don't compare to you. You'd never find them posting on a website sharing their wisdom and compassion in the articulate and thoughtful way that you do. Just because you don't have a house or 2.5 kids or a two car garage or any of the crap that some people thing means sucess, that doesn't mean that your value isn't greater than the sum of your assets. At some point you have to realize that the reason your family at these big events welcomes you, are warm to you and generally cool is because you are cool, and they know it.

So hang in there, and cheer up. You're lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful mom. Hell, you're luck to actually like most of your family. If I had to venture a guess, that aunt of yours wasn't herself because the holidays have a way of dragging all of us to too many places with too little time and too much to do. She was probably reacting to that and not you.

[ke3]

Wow, flea! I have been there, and am still there, in a way; so I feel your pain. Ever since I sickened 6 years ago, and lost my prestigious job, my home, my health, and almost my marriage, I've been helped by my mom. She considers it simply the right thing to do--"This is what families are for!" she says. And I agree!

Whence came this @@!!###!! American obsession with "financial self-sufficiency" being held up as The Absolute Good, The Highest Virtue? (I think I know whence: the Puritans/Calvinists/future Extreme Right-Wing Republicans of America--yes, a gross generalization, I know.). What about generosity? What about love? What about giving back to society? Are those not virtues, as well? In many cultures of the world, it would be considered shameful NOT to rely on the family for support of some kind. But not in America! Here, it's like you're a leper or something.

I had exactly the same thing you described with your aunt happen with my SISTER, right after my mom's stroke last year. My brother and sister got into my mom's financial records, declared my mom "incapacitated" (she really isn't), and took over the managing of my mom's money. I now have to grovel to my brother, with whom I have very little in common, for financial aid. I feel humiliated (but I/we shouldn't have to!!). And it's funny you mention a "secret arrangement" with your mom. I too have had to resort to clever ruses, in league with my mom, to keep my head above water. I know my brother knows about them; but it's my sister who scares me, so I really don't want her to know. I dread her visits; and now I don't like her anymore.

But back to you: thank goodness your mom is a normal mom and is happy to help her daughter. Your aunt, it sounds like, really was having a little fit of her own, about things that really don't relate to you specifically, as someone else suggested. It's horrible that you were made to feel bad for having bad luck.

It is true: it's so painful to go to events, either family events, or old friend gatherings, and see everyone else prospering and moving along in life with nary a care. But I try to keep in mind that everyone has their problems. So don't forget to remind yourself of that, when you see others with apparently happy lives. I happened to have my kids BEFORE getting sick; so I have the kids and the marriage, but no health in which to enjoy these blessings. And what's to say that you, too, might not still have the joys of a relationship, and even children, if you so choose? 37 is not very old, these days. And many people with severe depression, or bipolar disorder, or any number of other illnesses, end up finding the kind of "traditional" life that others have. And many people with no health issues at all end up alone and miserable and broke.

You are so fun to interact with here on this forum. You know you're a wonderful person. At least I hope you do. (((((((((screamingflea)))))))))))

[Mighty Frugal]

flea, be proud of who you are and for your strength. If you're less than zero then so are the rest of us. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I realize that last sentence is not grammatically correct...but I'm not ashamed!