View Full Version : Draining work relationship
This has been resolved. Thanks so much for your help :)
Miss Cellane
7-23-11, 7:51am
Well, is she a lovely, sweet girl if she has such limited resources of conversation? Do you really want to be friends outside of work with someone whose conversation you can't stand? Why would you want to be friends with her? Your post lists not one single reason why this woman would be a good friend.
In your shoes, I'd keep my work relationship with her friendly, but not become friends. There's a difference. And I'd listen a little bit to her tales of woe, maybe 10 minutes max a day (to be friendly and to keep the peace), and then divert the conversation to work-related topics.
I recently had an experience with a kind, well-intentioned older woman who was bending my ear with her upset-ness about a variety of things that mostly had a component of not enough money. I had just come out of a meditation class and was feeling very mellow. I emotionally took a step back so as not to get infected with her agitation myself, then I just stood there looking at her in a friendly way. I said nothing at all. In a very short time she wound down and went on to topics of real interest.
I think that when we reassure people it paradoxically just fuels their determination to feel poor or ugly or whatever. Without another person's input to distract them, maybe they hear themselves and start to realize they may be exaggerating in the story they tell themselves about their own inadequacies.
iris lily
7-23-11, 12:09pm
I recently had an experience with a kind, well-intentioned older woman who was bending my ear with her upset-ness about a variety of things that mostly had a component of not enough money. I had just come out of a meditation class and was feeling very mellow. I emotionally took a step back so as not to get infected with her agitation myself, then I just stood there looking at her in a friendly way. I said nothing at all. In a very short time she wound down and went on to topics of real interest.
I think that when we reassure people it paradoxically just fuels their determination to feel poor or ugly or whatever. Without another person's input to distract them, maybe they hear themselves and start to realize they may be exaggerating in the story they tell themselves about their own inadequacies.
That's a good perspective, I like that.
bagelgirl
7-23-11, 12:42pm
The above is a good perspective, but you can't count on it. That older woman mighty have more self awareness or sensitivity towards others than the co-worker.
Some people NEVER get good at reading other people's non verbal signals of disinterest or else they simply don't care.
I would simply smile at her and keep changing the conversation back to work.....over and over and over again.
Oh, you need to break out your inner Miss Hartshorne and be brisk and positive and full of good cheer. "Yes, yes, good thing you can handle this." "Utter nonsense, my dear. You'll figure something out, I'm sure." "If at first you don't succeed and all that. Keep bashing away at it. It'll come right eventually." And so on. This never ending sob story isn't good for either one of you.
Imagine if the same draining relationship is a relative. My Mom in law is the most pesimistic woe is me person I have ever met. She is 79, newly widowed and the world is crashing down. She wont listen to her only child, my husband. She has only one "friend" and really is not close to any other relative.
I am starting the be positive conversations as the last poster suggested.
I know life is very hard for her right now since this is the first time in 79 years she has ever lived alone. But if she wont call my husband (because she does not want to burden us per her) she is stuck. She is so stuck in thinking about all the bad things that can happen however minimal that she cannot move from where she is.
Oh well. Friends and relatives, they are all so interesting.
Is the problem that she talks a lot at work about it? If so, you just have to learn how to cut people off.
You start politely - listen for 5 min, then say "I have this thing I'm working on". As time goes on, you get better, and you can cut them off very easily. I work with two men who would talk for 30 mins if you let them, and 30 mins with them is 30 fewer mins with my kid.
I don't mind if they talk on my lunch break, but NO, they eat at their desks instead of in the lunch room. And one of the guys made a comment when I left early yesterday. WEll, buddy, I get more done because I don't spend my day BS'ing!
Life's too short to use your precious time listening to people moan about their problems. If they don't want your advice...
Imagine if the same draining relationship is a relative. My Mom in law is the most pesimistic woe is me person I have ever met. She is 79, newly widowed and the world is crashing down. She wont listen to her only child, my husband. She has only one "friend" and really is not close to any other relative.
I am starting the be positive conversations as the last poster suggested.
I know life is very hard for her right now since this is the first time in 79 years she has ever lived alone. But if she wont call my husband (because she does not want to burden us per her) she is stuck. She is so stuck in thinking about all the bad things that can happen however minimal that she cannot move from where she is.
Oh well. Friends and relatives, they are all so interesting.
In my area hospice counseling services are available to all bereaved, even if the deceased wasn't a hospice patient. They are more likely to understand your MIL. As a widow I can tell you that, until I was a widow, I had NO IDEA what it's like. If your local hospice doesn't offer that, maybe there's a widows group or grief group in the community. She can vent to them and not feel she's 'burdening' you.
I work with a "woe is me" person too. If there is someone else around listening to her story, I just keep working. If I am the only one around, I wait till a break in the litany. Make eye contact. Open my mouth as if to say something (or she start going again) hesitate for a moment and then say something like, "Wow, that is terrible." Then I go back to work.
She doesn't want advice, she just wants to hear herself tell her story. If I don't engage with her, it's hard to keep the story going. Other than that, I agree with above poster who says things like, "oh, you are so smart...you'll figure it out."
That doesn't sound "lovely and sweet" to me at all, it sounds like someone who is very self-absorbed. I occasionally have to work with a man who thinks every detail of his life is of the utmost importance to everyone else, and he just plain irritates me and a lot of other people who would prefer that he shut up and do his work so we can do ours. Being friends with him after work is a revolting idea. I agree with Anne Lee's method of handling this. The more you listen sympathetically, the more she's going to pour it on.
I believe she continues to recite her litany of woes because she's not actually feeling or being heard by you. Giving advice is a sure signal that you'd prefer to have the problems go away... and communicates a 'please shut up message'. It's quite different when one explicitly asks for advice, as you did.
I suggest you try very simple reflective listening. Literally reflect her exact words back to her with some kindness and empathy. She'll open up more for a bit, then settle into solving her own problems. She doesn't want you to fix her, she wants some kindness and compassion. Like we all do.
redfox, thank you for some great points on listening and reflecting. I need to do more of that for my Mom in law. I am stuck in the fix mode when people complain and I should realize sometimes they just want validation. Thanks for the reminder.
Mira, I would like to add one thing. I think I am hearing you say that you would like to take care of this situation without hurting her feelings. All caring people who are trying to change a relationship or set boundaries would like to do it without hurting feelings.
But it isn't always possible.
It's likely her feelings will be hurt if you stop being her "wailing wall." However, remember that YOUR feelings are just as important as hers.
... However, remember that YOUR feelings are just as important as hers.
Also, consider the employer's interest. I would guess that productivity is affected by these never-ending conversations. Someone mentioned listening for 5 minutes and then cutting her off. 5 minutes? that is a lot of times, 'specially when you multiply that times the number of potential conversations she and others have like this.
Also, consider the employer's interest. I would guess that productivity is affected by these never-ending conversations. Someone mentioned listening for 5 minutes and then cutting her off. 5 minutes? that is a lot of times, 'specially when you multiply that times the number of potential conversations she and others have like this.
One of the ways I end conversations is at a natural break or lull, I say "I have five more minutes to talk", and the person nearly always gets the hint. If they appear to be on a roll, I give them a two minute warning, then close to five minutes, I gently hold my hand up and say "I'm sorry to be abrupt; it's time for me to get to my next responsibility", or something like that.
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