View Full Version : Help me to not hate my neighbor
When you live in close quarters to a neighbor or neighbors, there's a great potential for conflict. We've been lucky most of the time, but the last few years -- since a house was wedged into a too-small lot and is now very close to ours -- I've been having such trouble maintaining my serenity around this.
I'm usually good at letting people be people. But these particular neighbors just make me insane. They heap piles of smelly junk all over their yard, which is already too small to give their kids a place to play. They scream profanity at their kids (2, 8, and 14) and at each other. They leave their dogs - they always have at least two, and they disappear at regular intervals, just to be replaced by another - chained outside, and the whining and barking and crying to get in just scrapes my pet-loving nerves raw. They grow pot (legally, with a medical card) but sell it to the neighborhood kids.....in fact that seems to be their only source of income aside from public assistance. Their youngest daughter was reported to social services for possible abuse, and so they took her out of school and are homeschooling her now "so that doesn't happen again" (according to the little girl).
We've tried to talk to them, but they won't even come to the door (they peek out, see it's us, and don't answer)
I'm trying to find a way to find peace with this, to live and let live. Nothing they're doing is illegal enough to get the attention of any local authorities...it's just really sad and sick and irritating, especially since I work at home and have to hear the "F this" and "F that" all day.
How have you dealt with awful neighbors in your life? How do you find peace?
I have no answers, just much empathy.
Our first house was a condo. The owner of the condo next door decided it would be a good idea to rent to a section 8 tenant. I didn't have any objection to the section 8, per se, however I did object to parties under my bedroom window at 2am, jumping down 6 stairs at a time in steel toe boots, guests vomiting in my small square of yard, guests hanging on my back deck peering in, cars being backed up on the lawn with stereos blasting so loud I couldn't hear my TV, and the use of a chain saw /in/ the living room of the condo after midnight, and a general parade of unsavory looking characters at all hours of the day and night. I felt unsafe, due to several incidents of vandalism I couldn't prove, but were highly suspicious that they or their guests did the vandalism due to where and how it occurred. It was a miserable couple of years. We tried going away a lot on weekends, but after the vandalism that no longer seemed like a great idea. I did have a condo association to complain to, but they weren't particularly effective. The landlord called me a meddling busybody to the condo association. At the time I was working and going to grad school and away from home 14 hours a day, I just wanted to get some peace and quiet. I only lucked out because the tenants were deadbeats who moved out in the middle of the night (same way they moved in).
I shouldn't take glee in this, but I do: when the tenants left in late October, they left all the windows open (they bragged to neighbors that they didn't have to pay for heat) with several days of below freezing temperatures. The landlord must have had to mostly gut the place, because I heard construction for a couple of months
What Herbgeek did, just buckle down and hope they move soon.
I too lived in a condo with some really bad neighbors that pulled the same kind of crap that Herbgeek described. Their favorite method of torturing me was playing Mexican Polka music so loud it vibrated the pictures off the wall (and I didn't even live next door to them) and having drunken parties on the lawn all weekend, leaving the lawn strewn with empty beer cans the next morning.
I tried the police and condo association with no luck. They both just kept saying we needed to talk to each other. Yeah, the time I tried that I ended up calling 911 for assistance, no joke, because they were getting so violent.
One night (luckily I wasn't home that night, thank the gods) they ended up getting in a shoot-out with police at 3 am and barricading themselves in their condo with their girlfriend and NEWBORN for 2 hours.
I ended up moving to Seattle, and having to short-sell my condo for a $50,000 loss (was a $100,000 condo when I bought it) because they brought the property values down so much.
So, think of how much worse it could be and hope they move soon.
There can be bad neighbors in even regular SFH subdivisions. We had one with 4 little kids. One toddler got lost?, one son was picked up for vandalizing the construction sites, the daughter roamed, the other child was non verbal and not supervised. They went thru about 5 dogs in 2 years. They ran off 3 au pairs. Husband pretty much absent physically and wife mentally.
I am childless by choice and just could not deal with the drama. At least they were not noisy.
We've been extra lucky in the neighbour department, but I do think living in residential neighbourhoods versus condominium and townhouse complexes helps. No advice to share, just the echo, "hope they move soon".
Can you move? Not an ideal option, but one you may have more control over versus waiting for if/when they move.
Don't feel bad, I hate my neighbor. They are right-wing, religious fanatics, pointy-toed sheetkickers. But I've found that people like that don't stay in one place very long.
My solution, and it has worked for me, is to let them know that I don't really care what they do as long as it doesn't affect me or my DW. If they cross that line then I say that I will wring their neck like a chicken, and I mean it. :cool:
Peace
I will wring their neck like a chicken, and I mean it. :cool:
Peace
I love the juxtaposition here, zigzag :D
I don't think they're going anywhere. They own a Habitat house, their mortgage payment is very low, and they aren't allowed to sell the house until 2017. Can you tell I've hoped they'd leave?
I think I could figure out a way to compartmentalize it in my head ("can't save the whole world, pug") if I just didn't have to hear it. But it is like nails on a chalkboard - the kids getting verbally abused (I was an abused kid), the dogs crying and crying 'til they get replaced with cute puppies, the poor chickens getting killed by foxes because they're too lazy to put up an enclosure taller than 3 feet.....it's a bleeding heart's nightmare.
Maybe some kind of soundproofing work on my house? Fence? Sound-resistant windows like they put in houses around airports?
I love the juxtaposition here, zigzag :D
Keep it real!
Peace
Well, you can pray they dont meet the terms of the Habitat loan. Hubby is working on previously owned Habitat homes that have been repossessed. Sadly, a lot this year.
The problem Habitat is having now is finding qualified people to buy the homes.
Sad Eyed Lady
7-26-11, 8:44pm
Is it possible for you to move? I think I would seriously consider it before living in this nightmare! Or, more accurately, next door to this nightmare. Do you own your home? If not, and it's a matter of getting out of a lease, look around and see if you can find something more sane. Good luck - this would be pure hell for me, so I can empathize with what you're going through.
We own our home and I'm really attached to it (aside from the obvious downside :) ) I've built organic gardens, done stonework, built patios....we have 17 stately evergreen trees on this little quarter-acre, lots of wildlife, wild herbs, perennials, etc. My late kitties' ashes are interred here. But I've been looking for another place, though it tears at my heart and my pride. Maybe this is meant to bring me a home with more garden space, something I've always wanted to have??? Thanks everyone for making me feel less crazy. I'll weigh all the options.
I don't have much to offer, except alot of sympathy!
(((((hugs)))))
can you put up a (at least 6') fence between you and neighbors? Not the kind you can see thru, but block them totally?
Miss Cellane
7-27-11, 10:24am
Are you sure that the local authorities can't help you at all?
The stinky piles of stuff in the yard might be a code violation. If insects are breeding in the piles, or the piles are attracting rodents, the town might be able to do something about them.
The dogs in the yard, as well as the chickens, might interest the local SPCA or Humane Society.
Selling pot to the neighborhood kids really ought to concern the police.
I would start by calling town hall, the SPCA and the police. Explain your concerns and ask what they can do to help you. They may claim there is nothing they can do at this time. Then you ask them what to look for, so that when things get bad enough, you can ask for help. You want them to tell you, "When X happens, you can call us and we can do Y." In some places, just making the initial call generates a report, even if no action is taken. That helps later on, when things get worse, because it helps to have a paper trail.
I'd also contact Habitat for Humanity. I think the home buyers have to sign an agreement with HFH, and upkeep of the house and yard might be part of that. There are definitely rules about income, and I don't think drug sales count.
Fortunately for the kids, if Child Protective Services got involved once, just taking the kids out of school isn't going to remove the family from the social service radar. But I'd call CPS and ask them what warning signs you should look for, so that you can make a report if things get any worse for the kids.
It sounds like hell. I'd certainly start by putting up a big fence, and yes, find out what constitutes "stepping over the line" by the various authorities and then watch for those signals. But also be prepared that if you report them for whatever misdemeanor, and it's not enough for them to disappear from the neighborhood that they may decide you're at fault and make things even worse.
What about the other neighbors? Surely they're bothered just as much?
I agree with others that you could probably call social services, the city, the police, etc, and at least get these neighbors to remedy the obvious violations of city codes and federal laws. And depending on what your driveway looks like, I would consider getting out a jackhammer (or hiring someone with one), and clearing a nice, long, foot-wide area of dirt between your property and theirs, and plant a nice row of trees that are tall and thick enough to completely hide their house from yours. Maybe you already have a space to plant? Maybe not. I'd prefer the tree solution to a high fence, as a fence might look a bit odd, either sitting there on only one side of the house, or surrounding your house as though it were a prison. Actually, that's what your neighbors' lifestyle is doing: making you a prisoner. You can't enjoy walking out the front door of your home!
Maybe some kind of soundproofing work on my house? Fence? Sound-resistant windows like they put in houses around airports?
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"Good fences make good neighbors" is an old saying that's true. Likewise sound resistant windows. The condo I lived in before, everyone was nice enough but it was close quarters, and I was endlessly thankful for the double glazed windows the previous owners had put in, they really kept the sound down. If you own your place, a nice thick privacy fence and triple-paned or whatever windows are not only good for your current situation but attractive to potential future buyers, neighbors aside.
I would also be inclined to call any and all relevant authorities, any time possible. Cops for noise, SPCA, child abuse hotline, for anything that even comes close to being a reason to call. Society creates these services for a reason, and the more attention is called to it, the more likely that eventually something will be done. A track record of past calls will make any one future situation look more serious to the authorities and maybe eventually result in beneficial change.
Just one thing to add, from the other side of the fence--when we lived in CT, we actually got an official citation from the city once, saying that we were in violation of city code #%^^&&** because our bushes were growing too far over the sidewalk in front of our house! And the "street" was a one-way old farm road about 8 feet wide, and the "sidewalk" was a tiny strip that petered out just before our house, and just after it, so that everyone who used our street for a walking path--many people--always walked in the street anyway, as it was so very rare for a car to go by. The letter threatened us with some enormous fine--in the thousands, I remember--for a few inches of bush growing over the sidewalk! --My point being that there are so many city ordinances about things you might not even be aware of that can force the neighbors into compliance with a whole lot of things.
I agree with the others that said you should call authorities. For starters I would think they would definately be interested in the fact that they are growing pot for medical reasons but selling it to the kids in the neighborhood. That's a very clear violation of drug laws. And if your Habitat program is like the one in my state, a criminal conviction is highly likely to get you removed from the house. Go after the pot situation and the rest will take care of itself.
Wow. My home is my sanctuary. My first reaction is along the lines of "liquid ass" or even more illegal ideas. I would certainly think of many ways to set them up and want to involve all the authorities... That's a long painful battle I suspect and brings lots of stress.. Not that I wouldn't do it. A weird and probably ineffective idea occured to me. If it worked it might work faster than the other ideas.... buy some pot from them. Thank them. Then, politely mention your concerns in a respectful manner with as little judgement as you can muster. Try to find some empathy for their situation that you can convey to them. I know that this might send the message that you condone the behavior and sully your reputation if it backfires. I wish you the best most timely solution for this.
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