View Full Version : Is it me...or is this rude?
My best friend works out of town and only comes to her home occasionally on weekends. We go out when she comes and we've taken some trips together. Lately I've had issues with her.
She wanted us to go on vacation. I said no because DD was getting married. I had a wedding to plan, pay for, and needed my vacation time for that. She insisted we could go visit her folks in AZ and stay in an extra condo they have there. She'd rent a car and we would do a couple of days in Sedonna. I said no. So she bought me plane tickets for Christmas. She assured me she'd be at my house every weekend to help with the wedding if I went.
The trip was absolutely nothing she described. We slept on a loveseat sleeper sofa in her fathers office in their trailer home designed for two retirees. We had to take showers two blocks away at the pool. There was no rental car because her license was expired. Her credit card didn't work either. We went to Sedonna, but with her parents (mom is disabled) and her aunt (who is an ex nun) in tow. The one hour we went shopping we got chastised for taking so long because mom almost fainted waiting for us. I paid for the meals for all five of us the whole time we were there because her parents thought everything was too expensive.
After that the plans she had to come every weekend until the wedding to help me turned into one weekend for about 3 hours. She did help enormously the weekend of the wedding, however.
Since then she'll tell me she's coming in and plan to meet me and 1 1/2 hours late she'll call to tell me she's still 75 miles away. Or she'll say she'll call when she's on her way and instead, I'll get a call late afternoon on a Saturday saying she's here and lets go do something. So I've spent all day waiting for her call.
I've started asking her to tell me during the week when she's coming so I can plan my weekend. She never calls. If I call her it'll be days before she calls back, and even then she never listens to any of my voice mail messages. When it happened again a couple of weeks ago I finally kept calling on a Friday night until she picked up and I unloaded on her. I've had it.
I realize that this has been building for some time. My issue with the trip is not that I feel entitled to luxury, but I do feel entitled to honesty, especially since I couldn't afford it. I felt manipulated into going. She's coming in this weekend and wants to talk. I don't know where to start. Does anyone else think this behaviour is self centered and rude? How would you handle this conversation?
Wow, that is beyond rude. I don't know what I'd say to her, but it wouldn't be pretty.
Tell her exactly what you told us, and that you feel that she's behaved in a self-centered and rude fashion.
I realize that she's your "best friend," but do you want to keep this friendship?
I guess that's the question that's bothering me. I'm not all that sure I want to keep this friendship. We've had some issues in the past. Ironically her cell phone use is had been an issue in the past. She keeps it next to her plate when we're out and doesn't miss a call. So why doesn't she pick up mine?
I guess I'm having a difficult time admitting to myself that my friend is manipulative. I'm starting to see it in alot of ways. Even a couple of days into that trip she said to her parents in front of me that I was a fabulous cook and that "we" wanted to make them a huge dinner and invite all their friends in the retirement park over. Really? She didn't have any money and she certainly never asked me if I wanted to do that. I think she figured if she brought it up in front of her parents I'd look like an ungrateful guest if I said no. That's down right manipulative. Thankfully her father said no.
Maybe she is exhibiting some traits that have always been there and maybe you overlooked or maybe just avoided. She sounds narcissic and is probably totally unaware that she is causing you any inconvienience. Or she may not be able to be alone, no matter how much it does bother you.
I had a friend for years and to be honest, I was glad when she moved away. It was a good excuse to just completely break up a relationship that I had grown out of.
ETA: it took me a while to write this post, so you pretty much said what I did, sorry
Sherry
Simpler at Fifty
8-4-11, 4:53pm
She is using you as a doormat. Sounds like she has always been this kind of person. I think telling her what you tolf us is good advise but be prepared for all kinds of excuses and for her to turn it around on you. Sounds like she would do that. However, sometimes you just have to walk away from toxic friends. If you cannot admit she is manipulative, stand in front of the mirror and read what you wrote above out loud. My experience is that people like this do not change.
I also think she should have picked up loud and clear on the first request that you were not interested, nor really in the position to go on a vacation with her. There is no way that any considerate person would railroad a friend into a vacation they didn't want. You were manipulated, no question.
I think you're all right and that she probably had some of these traits, but they weren't as obvious or pronounced before. She's gotten worse since getting a Sales Director job at a high end hotel. I know she'll tell me that she isn't rude, just horribly busy with work. She deals with a lot of celebrities and I think that has brought this out in her. She feels very self important all of a sudden. Even Christmas shopping, she stood in the middle of a small crowded shop on her cell phone talking to "The Situation" from Jersey Shore, his people, his agent and her front desk people for 30 minutes in a very loud voice. It was cringeworthy. She now has a very high turnover of staff and I think it's because she treats them this way. She only makes time for the likes of Ophrah and the A list actors she has at her hotel at the moment.
At the end of the day I don't think friends mislead friends because they're busy. I think she was stressed from her larger than life job and wanted me to drop everything and escape with her. When I said no she worked to get her way, regardless of what I thought. And since she no longer has to sell me on a trip, she only fits me in when the drama of the day is done.
To me that's not a friend. I'd drop her for sure over everything you describe. Not just a misunderstanding or normal things that people screw up on. That's a lot of stuff that is unacceptable in my opinion.
Sad Eyed Lady
8-4-11, 6:55pm
i would say go ahead and make your own plans. Don't wait or depend on her for anything. She'll get the message.
Giving your friend a label or even labeling her behaviour as rude (or any other label) isn't really going to address the main thing. The trip is over, the wedding is over. The question is what do you want from this relationship? Notice I asked what do YOU want?
If you want the relationship to continue, you might have to figure out some ways that you are willing to interact and set limits on the ways that you are not. You might consider also that "unloading on her" is probably not really taking the high road. Certainly you have experienced quite a lot of frustration. However, nobody likes to be "unloaded upon" by a resentful, angry friend. Reasoned discussion isn't the same as unloading (at least in my way of thinking). Saying how you felt when something happened isn't unloading but it is saying that "this happened and it was not okay with me." The challenge is when you are extremely frustrated, you don't feel heard, and you end up blaming and projecting and looking for validation for your anger. Sometimes this is the end of a relationship.
If you decided that this relationship offers you something that you want to salvage, you can try to set limits, plan ahead, and be prepared for her to behave as she has in the past. Prepared means that you expect her behaviour, but that you don't let it frustrate you because you expected it. Just decide whether you want to live with that or not. If not, then don't. If you decide to remove yourself from the relationship, don't explain or excuse or blame. Those are all invitations for argument. If you really are sure that you are out, you can just say so: This isn't working for me. "But why?" is an invitation to offer an excuse which will then be responded to with a justification..."It just isn't. It isn't helpful to me to talk about this any more."
Naming and judging her behaviour isn't helpful to the situation. It is blaming her for your frustration and maybe helps you feel justified but it doesn't ultimately help you or her. It might help you to be clear about whether you want to stay in this relationship, but it won't help to improve the relationship.
Having said all of that, I realize that I would find the whole mess pretty intolerable and I would have to remove myself from the relationship. Of course maybe that's why I don't have a lot of long standing relationships. Maybe I should ponder on that for a bit! Anyway, you got more than my 2cents and you can of course feel free to ignore or delete!
Best of luck, Charity, because it sounds like it has been hard and might continue that way for awhile.
Yig. So sorry this happened. Quite honestly, I wouldn't set up a time to talk because there's a very real chance she will blow it off or turn it into her stuff. Take a break and if she contacts you in 6 months or so, try again if you think she might have changed.
Carry on with your life without her making your own plans for weekends. If she tries to continue the friendship, only then explain the boundaries for your participation.
Manipulative is the operative word and it works, obviously with you.
What are the boundaries that you want and you need to live up to them. You won't change her so you have to change your behaviour that enables her self-centredness.
Forget the trip and the wedding. I'd simply make my own plans for the weekend and let her fit in around me for a change (if I wanted to bother with her at all). She's taking you for granted and I wouldn't hang onto a "friendship" like that.
i would say go ahead and make your own plans. Don't wait or depend on her for anything. She'll get the message.
This and what razz said.
I can't believe you would even wait around a moment and put your own plans on hold, waiting to see if she'll come through. Totally not my style.
Sure, you may feel some sadness at missing her, but you may be able to pick up again in the future when she's less important. Or wait--maybe she'll be promoted into running the Beverly Hills Hotel and you can fly out and stay for free in one of those famious bungalows. yeah, that's the ticket!
I second everyone's sentiments. P.S. Good on you for unloading on her Charity! Totally well in order.
Good luck, Charity. You might ask yourself what you'd tell a cherished daughter or girlfriend if they came to you with this story. Would you tell THEM to hang onto a friendship when the friend treats her with such utter disregard?
Thanks everyone. As usual you all offered great advice. I really do have to decide what I want out of this friendship. Right now I'm crystal clear about what I don't want which is to continue being treated like one of her employees. I need to set some boundaries. If she doesn't like them, then it's time to move on.
I think I'll write some stuff down so that when we talk it's productive. Otherwise emotion will get the best of me. The one issue I have to deal with about myself is that I have a tendancy to put up with stuff for a long time and not say anything. But eventually my resentment builds to a point where I explode. I need to learn to be honest a lot sooner.
I have to narrow down a laundry list of grievances to the issues that bother me most. Probably the biggest thing is the dishonesty. And it isn't just about the trip. But I don't think it would be productive to itemize those instances and hurl them at her. I have to express my displeasure with her mindset that it's ok to not be straight with me because she wants something to go her way. If she wants examples then I'll go into the details.
Thanks again for your wise advice.
Good luck Charity. Perhaps if you think of this as being the first day of the rest of your life, and set the boundaries NOW, and don't think of it so much as a showdown, it will go better.
Good luck Charity. Perhaps if you think of this as being the first day of the rest of your life, and set the boundaries NOW, and don't think of it so much as a showdown, it will go better.
What a good insight to making boundaries and decisions!
Charity - Sounds like your friend is taking advantage of you - and you are letting her. Stand up for yourself and tell her "no"! Don't give her an explanation, don't get into a discussion, just a firm "no".
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