View Full Version : if you tend to use a silent treatment
please please please try to find a way to work on it. I am not going to trash anyone who finds that it is so hard to talk when you are in conflict, I love some wonderful people who have such a hard time. however I gotta say that it is more painful than you imagine on the other side. This is different than saying something like you cant talk right then or everyone needs a cooling off period, just refusing to still work at anything. I know there is so much going on in the person who is going silent but I just want to encourage anyone to try.
so I am still broken up with boyfriend and still in shock in some ways. I understand maybe we were not meant for a full lifetime together but I also see that we had one argument and immediatly he was picking up his stuff and dropping off what I left at his house. Wow. The day that he made the transfer when I was at work it felt like a stab in the heart, not because he had to love me forever or that I hadn't made any mistakes and hurt him, but just that it was total shut down. He has since agreed to a closure talk but needs some time. Still painful but better,
I agree that silent treatment is a cruel weapon often chosen by those who are unable or are very uncomfortable talking. It is a weapon though.
it's technically considered "aggressive" behavior, though most people think of it as "passive aggressive." it's actually "aggressive-aggressive."
and yeah, it stinks. i had to kick someone out of the offices for it. :)
I get what you are saying but I was in the weeds a few years back about communication... I didn't know how and *they* did. I felt out *manned* and out gunned so I shut up and ran for cover. There's a saying about never going into a battle you are going to lose. I took it to heart. I didn't know how to stand up for myself and be vocal and present. I just didn't know. Now I do but the learning curve is a bitch!
Maybe he is your ex-boyfriend. If he is picking up his stuff and giving your stuff back, he may be done with you. It may be time to move on.
Sorry it is ex-bf, still rather new to me.
Yeah, I know sometimes we don't have what we need to stand up verbally but I appreciate those who try to learn, it is never too late.
I was given the silent treatment a few years ago. It came from a friend and I knew from her history that she would give people the silent treatment whenever she felt somehow "wronged". Well, when it happened to me I knew that was not the type of relationship I wanted to have. I prefer being with people who will communicate with me, tell me what is wrong and we can work it out. I continued to let her do the silent treatment and when her snit was over and done with, well, so was I.
This is a person I still like but she is no longer in my friendship circle. I just don't want to be treated that way.
I will be silent for a time if miffed because, with me, if pushed, the WRONG thing might (probably will) come out. Best to wait til I've cooled off. Better to think out my response before opening my mouth.
rodeosweetheart
8-14-11, 11:08am
I'm sorry you are hurting, Zoe, and better and brighter days are coming for you, I know it.
Zoe, are you saying he is giving you the silent treatment after the time your broke up? Or before? If it is after, he may need some time to heal and reflect on the relationship. This could take some time. Although you are experiencing it is receiving the silent treatment, he may perceive your need to talk as intrusive to his healing process. It may be that the two of you simply have different needs. Neither is right or wrong, just different.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. If you have the need to verbally process the relationship talk with a good friend and do the emotional work you are so needing right now.
On another note, I know your kids had met your bf and it sounds like they spent time with him. How are they doing?
bagelgirl
8-14-11, 12:29pm
I think it's great that you guys have a "closure" talk on the schedule. I never had closure with any of the men in my life back when I was dating. They left or I left. Either way it was often kind of abrupt. We all could have learned things if we hadn't been so chicken-hearted. My hat's off to you for doing this so maturely.
There are people in the world that don't break up fair. What I mean is, they've decided they're aren't all that in to you but rather than say so, they purposely hold back what you need in the relationship and wait for you to become so fed up with it that you force the issue. Then they conveniently say..."Well I guess you weren't happy" and turn it all on you. In my opinion they're imature weenies. I have a suspicion that this happened to you. All the classic signs are there, like the whole returning and dropping off stuff thing while you were at work. It's perfectly natural to grieve for a relationship. Just don't spend all your mental energy trying to figure out what you did wrong.
Yeah, I think he was in the middle of one of those stomp off deals but caught himself after a few days and then is trying to do better. I got a nice 2 sentence email from him. I am pretty much not contacting him, at least not with any expectation of a response. So that means I don't have any reason to bother him, I just sent a word of encouragement that he take care of himself and that i consider we had a great year. I don't want him to think I am not looking at the really great stuff that we had going on because this is not going to be long term. So i am kinda being proud of myself, I think that my emotional maturity on this is making it possible for him to work on the same. If it he is not willing or capable of doing that it is okay, but I put it out there.
It takes a certain level of maturity to break off with someone and recognize that though it was good in many ways...it simply wasn't good enough in some very necessary ways. Grieve for awhile, figure out what you learned from the process, say goodbye to the past, and set your view on the future! Don't look back Zoe Girl it will only cause you to be disoriented. Good luck.
Dr. John Gottman calls the "silent treatment" stonewalling, and lists it as one of the Four Horsemen (of relationship doom; though not irreversible) in his writings. Men tend to stonewall more than women, as men tend to flood more rapidly than women. Flooding is the cascade of chemicals that are released when under stress or in fear, and they literally shut down one's cognitive centers.
If one is in a conversation and notices flooding symptoms - palpitations, increased heart beat, sweating, etc. - either in yourself or in the other, stop immediately and take at least a 30 minute break. This is critical - it takes at least that long for the flooding of the brain to subside, so that the person can calm down & talk again. Flooding comes from the limbic brain, which acts much more quickly than one's cognitive brain.
When my husband's ex-wife used to call, just the sound of her voice caused him to flood and he literally became speechless - his speech centers shut down. Once he figured out what was happening, he could prepare himself & work to stop the flooding. She now is barely a blip on his radar. He worked very hard to untangle his triggers and de-escalate them, managing his reactivity.
Bowen-based therapy talks about it as cut-off, and identifies this as one of the patterns we often use to deal with anxiety, which, though it feels as if one is out of the relationship, is in fact a particular form of intensity in a relationship. I highly recommend reading the book Extraordinary Relationships, by Dr. Roberta Gilbert, who explains these patterns at length, and how to undo them. I also highly recommend any of Gottman's books, and his workshops.
Dr. John Gottman calls the "silent treatment" stonewalling, and lists it as one of the Four Horsemen (of relationship doom; though not irreversible) in his writings. Men tend to stonewall more than women, as men tend to flood more rapidly than women. Flooding is the cascade of chemicals that are released when under stress or in fear, and they literally shut down one's cognitive centers.
If one is in a conversation and notices flooding symptoms - palpitations, increased heart beat, sweating, etc. - either in yourself or in the other, stop immediately and take at least a 30 minute break. This is critical - it takes at least that long for the flooding of the brain to subside, so that the person can calm down & talk again. Flooding comes from the limbic brain, which acts much more quickly than one's cognitive brain.
When my husband's ex-wife used to call, just the sound of her voice caused him to flood and he literally became speechless - his speech centers shut down. Once he figured out what was happening, he could prepare himself & work to stop the flooding. She now is barely a blip on his radar. He worked very hard to untangle his triggers and de-escalate them, managing his reactivity.
Bowen-based therapy talks about it as cut-off, and identifies this as one of the patterns we often use to deal with anxiety, which, though it feels as if one is out of the relationship, is in fact a particular form of intensity in a relationship. I highly recommend reading the book Extraordinary Relationships, by Dr. Roberta Gilbert, who explains these patterns at length, and how to undo them. I also highly recommend any of Gottman's books, and his workshops.
Thank you so much for this explanation. It makes a lot of sense. With knowledge comes understanding and we can overcome judgment and critisicm.
I will be silent for a time if miffed because, with me, if pushed, the WRONG thing might (probably will) come out. Best to wait til I've cooled off. Better to think out my response before opening my mouth.
This is me also. Although I don't give anyone the silnet treatment as a form of punishment or to make a point ("I'm angry and pouting and you made me this way - WAH!"). But if I feel that a person is verbally poking and prodding me for a response or to countine a discussion RIGHT NOW, then I often feel assaulted and just silently get up and leave the room - generally ticking that person off. I need time (in silence and off by myself) to think about things. Generally ticks people off but I need them to respect my need to contemplate things alone without them battering me with their words non-stop looking for an immediate resolution.
So some people who are silent are just pondering things and not meaning to give the silent treatment or to shut you out or off. They just need time to think about things. You need to determine which it is - pouting and anger or just quiet contemplation.
If I'm very, very angry I will fall silent. Since I'm not the chatty type anyway, it rarely registers with people. But I'm not one to pout for hours or days like some passive-aggressive virtuosi I've observed.
I agree that not every silence is about anger and reactions, I just feel like (and it might not be possible but it is something to work towards) that it is really important to say even a few words like "I am thinking' or 'I will get back to you', just anything so the other person has less of a chance of feeling like that you will never deal with it.
Oh I am totally getting that book for my nook! (feels like Dr Suess whenever I say that) I can see that certain topics just freeze him in his tracks, and I know he isn't trying to be crappy but I do have to live in the real world that gets us to deal with those things that make us freeze up.
redfox that was a very useful post! I think DH "floods" easily. He doesn't use the silent treatment, per se, but when he gets flustered and upset he stumbles on his words and, like Zoe suggests, usually all he says is something like, "I'm thinking" or "I can't process this right now." He was abused as a kid and I remember my mom, who worked with abused kids for a while, saying that frequently they shut down and turn inward as a defense mechanism so I assumed it was that, but that flooding thing sounds exactly like how he describes what happens. Maybe they are the same thing. I don't know. Either way, it's helpful information.
Neat info and sources being shared so thank you.
I agree that not every silence is about anger and reactions, I just feel like (and it might not be possible but it is something to work towards) that it is really important to say even a few words like "I am thinking' or 'I will get back to you', just anything so the other person has less of a chance of feeling like that you will never deal with it.
Oh I am totally getting that book for my nook! (feels like Dr Suess whenever I say that) I can see that certain topics just freeze him in his tracks, and I know he isn't trying to be crappy but I do have to live in the real world that gets us to deal with those things that make us freeze up.
I agree that it would be very helpful and certainly polite for someone say "I will think things over and get back to you" or something along those lines. But I have found that often times the other person just will not let it go. Instead of just saying "OK" and letting it go, they insist on talking about it more or knowing more - "why do you need to think it over? what's to think over? why can't we resolve this now? how soon will we be able to discuss this?", etc... They often keep going and, for us people who need space and time, that makes us frustrated and we feel pushed and pushed and pushed... until we give way to anger. Then we stomp off and refuse to talk about anything further. I'm not saying you are doing that Zoe, probably not, just sayinmg that it is often a two-way street. Again, since this is your ex-BF, it might be better to just accept that this is the way he is, you aren't going to change him (and shouldn't anyway IMHO), and since you can't accept him for who he is, just happily agree to move on and find someone who WILL give you the things you need, and who has a similair communication style. I think that seems to be the main issue you have with BF and it may be something that just isn't workable between you guys. Just my 2 cents - worth less :-)!
Sometimes people are silent because they are so badly hurt that they fear starting to cry helplessly if they open their mouths. So, if your partner is silent and withdrawn, not sighing, rolling eyes, slamming doors - ask if you perhaps have done something the other person can only handle by going inside to a safe place. Currently I am silent, because my spouse slammed my ideas on a possible joint project with the statement that he's not interested in any possible alternative to his choice, and wiped my concerns off the table with the statement "Oh, you're just raising strawmen!" So now he's doing the martyr act rather than apologise for acting like a jerk - and I'm still feeling belittled and demeaned.
((((((((((Suzanne))))))))))))))))
Take care of yourself. You deserve better....
lhamo
That is not cool Suzanne, I wouldn't want to talk either.
I still have a little crack of a door open that is there in case the situation is that he really does not know how to talk about things. Like i said, I never wanted to be judgemental but I also want to respect my needs to know what is going on. I hope that your husband is willing to listen to what you say when you are ready to talk.
Thanks, Lhamo and Zoegirl. This is a particularly bad bummer because we have been becoming steadily further estranged. This was HIS initiative to give us a chance at reconciliation. I can't think of anything I want to say to him right now, and I certainly don't want to hang out with him. At the time of the incident, I explained my reasoning calmly and logically, kept it all in I terms, all the stuff we're supposed to do when there's conflict - and still got my face well and truly slapped, metaphorically. Frankly, to be expected to now be all upbeat and chatty around him would add further insult to grave injury, and would be expecting me to be a co-abuser of myself. It is not going to happen. He obviously knows he went way over the boundaries, because he's doing the upbeat, chatty, jolly-her-along act; you know, "If I pretend everything is fine, then it never happened in the first place, I wasn't in the wrong, I don't have to apologize, and if she doesn't fall into line at once then I am the one with a real grievance." This man never apologizes; the most he'll do is the half-assed "I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt."
Glad to see this thread still active: I wanted to say thanks to redfox for the reference to Gottman`s work. I got a copy of one of his books and really LOVE the Four Horsemen and also this stuff about flooding. I have seen my DH flooded when on the phone with ex (not so much lately) and also noticing when he floods when WE are talking. It is very useful for both of us to keep in mind that it takes TIME for a person to recover from a flooded situation. I am one of those who might tend to be a bit pushy (hey, what`s taking so long for you to think about it....though I would not SAY that, I might think it) and this helps me.
Susanne, I am sending you warm wishes and hope. I know you won`t let yourself stay in a belittled and demeaned space, but I also know how very difficult it can be to claim your own space. ((((Susanne))))
This thread is progressing into an interesting insight on how people relate to one another. I make the observation that if you are an introvert, the way you respond to over stimulation would be to pause, reflect and reconsider what to do here. Yes I am not talking, but I am politely absorbing what was said including the non-verbal cues that can confound the verbal. An introvert needs space to consider what to say. Sometimes the response is to say nothing at all. If a person is not naturally verbose and another is, is that not in itself a source of confusion in a relationship.
Also important here is how conflict was managed within the family and how a person may have matured with conflict. Basic fears include rejection. If it is percieved certain words and actions may lead to rejection, how does that affect a response? If I reply to what is perceived to be a threat, what will be the consequences? I would guess being silent is an instinct to some and not others.
I thnk redfox has offered some interesting knowledge. As an introvert and HSP, I am familiar with being overstimulated and losing the ability to think and talk. I didn't realize it was termed flooded.
The silent treatment can be as simple as not knowing how to verbalize what is being felt. It's nothing to do with the other person, it's perhaps a lack of skillful means of talking.
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