View Full Version : Longevity of Marriage
mtnlaurel
8-14-11, 11:01am
I listened to this on the radio yesterday and it moved me and actually brought me to tears. For many reasons: the longevity of marriage, spending a lifetime with someone and rediscovering each other, the beauty of creative expression
http://www.studio360.org/2011/aug/12/my-parents-extreme-tango-makeover/
Did anyone else catch this on the radio yesterday, did you like it?
And now what I'm bringing to the table to mull over:
I am so unhappy with my marriage and have been for years. We made a great younger couple - traveling, sporting, etc. (note - me taking up hubby's interests which I do really like and me shelving most of my own) ---- but we have not transitioned well to family life/being 'grown ups'. We still do our best to car camp (instead of backpack), travel in a 'rick steve's kind of way' with kids, etc.
Life is a lot more than hobbies and in most other areas we just don't connect.
The core of our union is pretty much extinguished - our home life is abysmal and hateful. We try to keep it hidden from the kids (which is next to impossible), but as they get older they would be idiots not to figure it out.
We've been together close to 20 years and married for about 75% of those - so it's a little bit more than the 7 year itch - it's like, how am I going to make it through life with someone I can't stand!
As a product of divorced parents, I am hell bent on not making my children be shuffled back and forth just because I can't get along with someone. And I am not willing to gamble that I could find someone else that would really truly love my children - or that my DH could get with someone that doesn't treat my kids the best. At least with DH, I know that he loves the kids and is a very good father. To me divorce is just splitting 1 household into 2 - and already we are stretched financially.
The obvious answer is marriage counseling - but here are my excuses --- $$$, the work of finding a practitioner that doesn't get on your nerves, and general bad attitude toward psychotherapy.
Has anyone found themselves in this predicament? How did you improve your situation without divorce?
it's a lot cheaper to go to counseling than to create two households.
your other 2 excuses are reasons why you should go, actually. practitioners who get on your nerves are almost always simply pointing out things that are difficult to hear about our situation ...
if i were your counselor, one thing i would address is "what is it that you like to do? start doing that instead of adjusting yourself to your husband. he can join you or not, but at least you will be doing what you want to do in your free time."
Sent you a couple of PMs.
Dharma Bum
8-14-11, 2:05pm
I figure just wait it out until the kids are grown and then reassess whether it is worth continuing or better to try something else. Believe me, you aren't the only one in this position, but I agree with not doing anything now for the sake of ghe kids.
DH and I have been married 47 years...he is very ill in the past year and I am so glad I am still here for him.
When I was telling someone "Rosey Glasses" type person this. their comment was some really silly "oh 47 years of wedded bliss".
Mine was "I think NOT...some where blissful, some just okay, some good, some not so good and some bad (some of those were really his doing, some mine and somerimes we were just bored with each other)."
I had read one time that people make the mistake of thinking marriage should be 50/50 all the time and the truth in a good marriage I think is that it
can be 20/80, or even 10/90 sometimes but not always the same person doing the most to make it work sometimes it should be 80/20, 90/10...you get the idea.
If it goes along for too great a time with it not working of course you need to consider other options...
This has worked for us mostly. Of course he was a great father, mostly a great spouse and worker.
We tried counseling several times in the past w/ mediocre results... the one thing that really helped us bury the hatchets and come back together was going through the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course. That's given us a new foundation to build on... it's nice. Oh, I also can recommend books by Harville Hendrix... he explains the "power struggle" phase of marriage and how it can be transformed to a more mature "adult" love... those books were very helpful to me.
loosechickens
8-14-11, 3:10pm
both my sweetie and I grew up in unhappy families (in different ways.....one fought like cats and dogs, and the other was smooth on the surface, but seething underneath), and I've often felt that both of us would have been better to have grown up the product of divorce rather than with two people who just could not get along and engaged in a constant power struggle, or in the other case, contained one who despised and disrespected and another who appeased and tried to maintain a facade at any cost.
On the other hand, I'm one who also believes in the power of learning to love the one you're with, particularly if children are involved, and that counseling can go a long way in helping people find their common ground, mutual respect and satisfying lives together.
Usually, it's been my observation that the counselor that gets on your nerves, or seems to be favoring the other person is usually trying to show you something you need to look at, and point out stuff you don't want to see.
Either way, the status quo is not a good thing, to my mind. Either get counseling, work hard together to improve your lives together and find touching points to allow you to have satisfying lives, or end the marriage with the least drama, upset and bad feeling as possible, and with as much civility, care for the children and respect for whatever you saw in each other in the beginning as possible.
Just don't stick around, doing nothing about the problems, having a miserable life, which impacts your kids more than you could ever know. Believe me, I lived that scenario, and so did my husband.....parents who either should have sought out serious counseling or cut the cord and divorced. We ended up in that worst of all worlds, an intact family where everyone was miserable. Not good. JMHO
our home life is abysmal and hateful.
It may be more harmful to your children to be raised in a hateful environment than it would be for them to have to two of you split in a healthy way. Divorces can be done in a healthy way.
Divorces can be done in a healthy way.
I've seen precious few children who were not harmed in some way by a divorce, children are always scarred by that action. As parents, it's our responsibility to put our issues aside long enough to raise our children in a healthy, loving, two-parent environment.
We've been married for 35 years. Some of them were rocky, but with a dedication to our family, we were able to put our individual desires aside in favor of becoming one unit with a common goal rather than individuals with competing interests. Our daughter is now grown, with a family of her own and we've never been happier.
I believe that marriage is well worth the effort it takes to make it work.
I was a child of divorce and have lived with the results of that all my life so it always puzzles me when people say divorce is better for the children since they won't have to live with or observe the negative side of marriage. Watching your dad cavort with other women or disappear from your life altogether isn't so good either. The thing I noticed in the op's post was that somewhere along the line she stopped following her own interests, ie lost herself which eventually causes resentment. DH and I have been together 36 years now and our marriage is quite lovely these days. There have been some really rough patches in our late 30s-early 40s but we never lost respect for each other so in retrospect it might just be about riding out the bad days unless of course there is something like physical violence going on.
With almost 46 years of marriage including some very challenging situations, I can attest that it is worth it to find out some qualities that you like about your partner and focus on them. It is a personal growth thing rather than a joint effort.
Absolutely do some things that your DH has no interest in doing and find your own friends to meet your needs. Mine are the Metopera, art, music lessons and theatre. I have negotiated some boundaries that we needed to talk about to meet our future needs.
Right now as his health issues require a change in housing, we are working out where we will go and what we both want. Trying to get this property up to snuff for selling over the next year is one negotiation after the other.
I have tried to treat my partner as well as I would treat anyone else - courtesy, respect, kindness and support. It is so easy to slip into a negative state and hard to get out of, especially if the other will not meet one part of the way. I choose how I will conduct myself.
As another poster mentioned, once health issues arise, one is glad that one can support another emotionally, physically and financially.
While I read about the romantic couples who adore each other for a lifetime, I have not as yet seen such a couple in real life. Over time the scales fall off one's eyes and one realizes that we all are finding our way.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
I wanted to add some thought that I consider very important. The times when I felt that I didn't 'love' my DH, I really 'liked' him as a person who had some very irritating aspects. It strikes me that one shifts between 'love' and 'like' in marriage which hopefully is a close friendship.
It may be more harmful to your children to be raised in a hateful environment than it would be for them to have to two of you split in a healthy way. Divorces can be done in a healthy way.
I have seen a lot of divorces. My parents divorced, and it was a very good thing for me personally that they did. I have other friends who divorced, often when a parent was abusive or alcoholic, and that was an improvement.
But in most cases, divorce just made everything worse for the kids. I really think that in most cases, it is much better for the parents to work at it and stay together until the kids are up and out (admitting that it does take two). One of the few areas where Dr. Laura and I agree (though I'd allow escaping probably earlier than she would.)
Abysmal and hateful. Hmmm.... It's hard to tell if those are the words of someone who has let 20 years worth of disappointments, irritations, frustrations, and relationship neglect build up or whether your husband is a toxic, verbally abusive control freak.
Are you willing to work at your marriage? Is he?
You have 20 years together. Add that and kids (which sound like they are still young, i.e. not out of the house yet) with the fact that divorce is usually an economic and emotional slam, especially on the woman and kids you need a very, very compelling reason to divorce in my book unless he is abusive, addicted, cheating, a liar, or a felon, then I would say get out and get out fast. Otherwise, get counseling. There are some good thoughts about counseling and finding common purposes above. Do you think there is a hope of moving out of abysmal and hateful to where you are on the same team, working towards common goals, respecting each other as you change? If so, you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to give it your best effort.
Marriage is still an economic and social institution, not just an emotional one. If there is anything worth saving, save it.
Dharma Bum
8-14-11, 7:55pm
it might just be about riding out the bad days unless of course there is something like physical violence going on.
But I wonder if there aren't more variations than that. Just to reiterate- I think once you have kids you lose your discretion to make adjustments, but what if you just grow to be two different and incompatible people? So while there is not anything abusive going on, there really is no riding it out because as time goes on you just end up further and further apart.
It may be more harmful to your children to be raised in a hateful environment than it would be for them to have to two of you split in a healthy way. Divorces can be done in a healthy way.
We did not divorce until kids were grown (25yrs). In retrospect, and from feedback from my kids, I really wonder if an earlier divorce would have provided a healthier environment than the one my kids ended up with.
It's always easier to think the grass could have been greener by divorcing earlier. Quite honestly, I doubt it. The child custody lawsuits I've heard of sound absolutely horrific.
Sometimes, the choices are between bad and really bad.
i'm just going to plunk this out there.
marriage can be boring and irritating. seriously, it's just life. people are neurotic. two people together doubles the neurosis. add children that push buttons in every way, particularly more than one, and you have neurosis on parade!
so, yeah, it's totally not fun in the free loving, backpacking and afternoon delights kinda way really, is it?
i think that there's a fallacy about marriage. i think the fallacy is that it's somehow supposed to be 100% super awesomeness all the time. when that's like, .01% of the time, and most of it is ok, and some of it is difficult, and some of it is really good. and nearly all of it is boring because it involves doing the laundry and stuff.
seriously, no matter how well decorated a laundry room (http://www.younghouselove.com/2011/08/320-pins/) (and this one is NOT mine), or what jewelry i'm wearing while doing it, it just isn't sexy hanging DH's undies on the line. It just isn't.
The obvious answer is marriage counseling - but here are my excuses --- $$$, the work of finding a practitioner that doesn't get on your nerves, and general bad attitude toward psychotherapy.
Has anyone found themselves in this predicament? How did you improve your situation without divorce?
Marriage counseling really helped us when we were having difficulties. We were facing our son moving off to college in a few years and we knew that if we didn't make some changes, we would soon be spending all our time with someone we really didn't know anymore, and with whom we couldn't communicate.
Today the marriage is strong. Dh and I are closer than we have ever been before. We spend time together, we support one another, we talk, we dream and we are truly sharing life together. On Friday we will drive our son 1000 miles from NH to TN and settle him into his dorm room for the first time. We are very grateful that we took the time to work on us, so that this time would be a joyfilled one, and not one of stress and tension.
As for the excusses. Our health insurance paid for all but $20 a session for our counseling. It's covered under the mental health portion. If you don't have insurance, many counselors work on a sliding scale. Also if you are members of a church, your pastor may have training in marriage counseling or may be able to offer some financial assistance so that you can obtain counseling. Or if need be offer to connect you with a mentor couple. (A couple who offer counseling based on their lifetime of experience with marriage. Our friends are doing with with a couple from our church who just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary).
Finding the right person can be a challenge, so talk to people. That's how we found our counselor. Most important to remember is that the counselor will not fix anything in your marriage. A good month is doing background gathering about your upbringing and your home life as a kid, early marriage etc... The counselor is only the a catalyst to get conversations moving in the right direction and to bring clarity to areas that you may be struggling with. You and your husband have to do the actual work of communicating and moving forward to bring change in your marriage. It's work, but worth it. We still go back for about a month each year for a "check up", so that we can stay on track and refocus.
Family Life marriage conferences are also a great avenue. Their weekend to remember is wonderful and I strongly recomend it.
We are very grateful that we took the time to work on us
So many couples we have known lose their own relationship once kids come along. When the empty nest comes, they look at each other and say "who are you?" But there are probably many couples who never should have married each other in the first place. I think if the union is meant to be, that you work out your kinks together.
I've seen precious few children who were not harmed in some way by a divorce, children are always scarred by that action. As parents, it's our responsibility to put our issues aside long enough to raise our children in a healthy, loving, two-parent environment.
We've been married for 35 years. Some of them were rocky, but with a dedication to our family, we were able to put our individual desires aside in favor of becoming one unit with a common goal rather than individuals with competing interests. Our daughter is now grown, with a family of her own and we've never been happier.
I believe that marriage is well worth the effort it takes to make it work.
Alan, I completely agree with you. The children I've seen that did benefit from divorce were kids living with violence and the non-violent parent removed them from that milieu. However, after 15 years of being a stepmother, I have become nearly anti-divorce. And this is also as a radical feminist.
Much as I adore my husband and am very glad to be married to him, his children would have been much, much better off had his ex-wife gotten diagnosed early in their marriage and treated (bipolar), and they had worked it out. She left him in an affair, and has burned through two marriages and two other partners with whom she lived. Let me tell you, our kids are very cynical about marriage and committed relationships, which makes me sad.
Many marriages that are in trouble are redeemable up to a certain point, and need a lot of intervention (and deserve it too) from really capable people. When my dear friends separated, I also got a powerful and profound sense of how their separation tore at the fabric of our community, and had we been in a religious community, they would have been embraced and held while they healed their relationship. I'm still mad at the person who had the affair... and thank God they don't have children.
I too believe that marriage is well worth the effort it takes to make it work. And I'm deeply grateful for talented and insightful marriage & family therapists! Because believe you me, when the empty nest rolled around, we celebrated in some highly x-rated ways inhabiting every room in the house. A reclaiming of the space, I believe. Woo-hoo!
it just isn't sexy hanging DH's undies on the line. It just isn't.
No, the sexy part is later, but thinking about that (because our biggest sex organ is our brain) while you're hanging them in the line is a sweet way to refresh your connection & caring!
I too believe that marriage is well worth the effort it takes to make it work. And I'm deeply grateful for talented and insightful marriage & family therapists! Because believe you me, when the empty nest rolled around, we celebrated in some highly x-rated ways inhabiting every room in the house. A reclaiming of the space, I believe. Woo-hoo!
LOL. Redfox I love this! I can see DH and I doing that when the empty nest rolls around. Not that that's coming anytime soon. :)
I haven't been married a long time, 8 1/2 years, but I count it as a victory that my husband and I are still very much into each other even with four little kids underfoot and my dad in the house. That could totally kill the spark if we let it.
The other day a friend was over and I was having a tired, cranky day after two of our cars broke down in a week and DH worked crazy, crazy hours. At the moment my baby was fussing and she said, mostly joking, "you're the one who wanted all these kids". My response was that life is sometimes irritating. It doesn't matter if you are married or unmarried, have one kid or six kids. There are going to be bad days, sometimes stretches of them. You can go through life tinking this thing or that thing is going to eliminate that, but I think in the end it's 90% attitude. I think that applies as much in marriage as it does with kids.
I see a lot of couples get hung up on irritating thises and thats and weird power struggles it poisons marriages. What do you guys do that is fun together? How do you play? Not with the kids, just the two of you and by yourself. DH and I have a date night at least weekly, come hell or high water. Sometimes it's just coffee and pie at a restaurant, sometimes a walk by the lake, sometimes a fun outing like rollerskating or canoeing. This Saturday we splurged on dinner at a tiki bar with a fabulous patio and good drinks followed by lingerie shopping. Friday night we were crabby and bickering over something stupid. Thanks to our date by Sunday we were kissing, cuddling, flirting and going out of our way to be kind to each other. The next time I am pissed off because he scheduled a meeting with the life insurance guy on our one day off and refuses to admit that he's wrong :) I will remember that he is also the guy I sat out on the dock with, watching the sunrise and dipping our feet in the water.
I think those two things, investing in frequent dates with my husband and remembering that life is just irritating sometimes, combined with a good dose of humour about it all, are pretty much the glue in my marriage and life in general.
But in most cases, divorce just made everything worse for the kids.
It is the poster's statement that her household is "abysmal and hateful" that makes me wonder if, in this case, divorce might be an option. I am not saying divorce is ideal or even the answer, only that children growing up in a hateful environment has its own impact on kids, and may not necessarily be worse than having their parents no longer living together.
I'm on both sides of this fence. Happily married for 28 years, with ups and downs, to the stepfather to my kids.
First husband, and father of the children was not violent towards us or really abusive in any way. Some people could not see a reason for divorce. However, he was a serious alcoholic, seriously depressed and self destructive emotionally. The entire time I felt I was carrying his weight on my back completely. I took responsibility for everything and propped him up.
I'm so glad I left, althought it was eight years before I married again, and it was hard financially and emotionally on me. The children's father died of alcoholism after a miserable and impoverished life when our children were in their teens.
There is no perfect answer here, his children still loved him. And step parenting is difficult. But it was definitely the best choice for us, no doubt in my mind.
We all have to trod our paths the best we can.
I grew up in an "abysmal and hateful" household where my parents tried their best to hide it from the kids. You're right: You can't.
For the first fifteen years as an adult, I found myself in "abysmal and hateful" relationships, because that's what I had learned was normal. My six siblings followed similar paths. It took years of therapy and lots of inner work to discover a different way to live than the one modeled for me by my parents.
In hindsight, it would've been better for me if they had found a way to divorce in a healthy way (and yes, I have several examples of divorced couples who do an amazing job with their children, and the kids are resilient and normal).
If there's no violence or substance abuse present, I would certainly try my best to make it work, and drop your excuses for not getting counseling. You owe it to the relationship to try to see if there's a way through, AND you'll feel better if you do separate - you will have tried your best.
You don't state how old the kids are, or whether your husband is even willing to try counseling.
You don't say how much of your own dreams/life goals you are currently denying, in an effort to get along with him. I can't get a read on whether focusing on yourself and your children -- making yourselves really, really happy regardless of his choices -- is an option you've tried, or if you're leaning on your marriage to provide 100% of your happiness (a recipe for disappointment and bitterness)
I'd certainly try to find a way through. But I have no qualms about divorce, for the reasons I've stated above.
Good luck with this.
I was married 17 years (together for 20 total) when DH and I mutually decided to divorce even though we were in a very loving wonderful relationship. BUT if I/we had kids (we didn't) I/we would have stayed in the marriage even if it was a difficult marriage. I would probably have sought counselling and found a way to manage my emotions until the kids were older. I feel kids come first in a marriage, and that you need to make sacrifices for their sake. I think divorce is devastation for kids, so I would find a way to be companionable to my spouse while I was raising the kids, and who knows, maybe in time you'll make it back to love someday. Long marriages are like long lives, there are many ups and downs along the road and you often have to endure the bad for a time to get to the good. Just think of it as having a higher purpose in your life - the children.
Editted to add: If I were you I would seriously consider going to a marriage counselor. If nothing else it may help you both come to terms with making a decsion to divorce if you can't end the hateful feelings - and possible negative impact that may have on your kids. I went to one for a short time when I became disatisfied with the direction my life was taking due to my "wonderful and loving" marriage. It helped me clarify the things I needed in my life by, of all things, the counselor's inept attempt to make me conform to become a person I couldn't be and stay married. So you may go into counselling thinking you are trying to save your marriage, only to find it clarifies your feelings towards getting divorced instead. tricky stuff :-)!
Oh my. I have so much to say....
My parents remained married until my father died. The first 10 years for them, and us, were good. The last 36 years the shrapnel of their marriage wounded everyone in the near vicinity.
I am a divorced single mother. My oldest son tells me that I am a good mother. He is 29 years old, and been through hell. The younger children are 16, 15 and 12. I have been divorced for 10 years. The professional literature will tell you how much divorced children suffer. Be an outlier!!! My 2nd son and daughter get straight "A"s, and tell me that their family life is good. Ex has multiple legal and health issues. The kids benefit from having at least one sane home. YMMV.
I haven't read all the posts, but here are a couple thoughts:
If your home life is hateful and abysmal, that is partly due to you and you need to take some responsibility for it. To paraphrase Ghandi, be the change you want to see in the household. You don't have to be crazy in love with your husband to be a positive, constructive presence in your home or to bring joy and fun and a sense of warmth into your home.
And if you can't stand someone you were once madly in love with, I suspect that also has something to do with you. Sometimes remembering what we fell in love with in another takes some effort, and if you have children with this man, you owe it to them to make that effort. I would recommend starting a gratitudes journal, focusing on just writing down one thing I day you saw him do that you appreciated. If he's a good dad, that's huge.
One other thing: I dated many men for twenty years looking for "Mr. Right" and though I ended up with a wonderful man, he is not perfect, and living together and raising our child together (and his two teenagers) still takes quite a bit of work. The good news is that the work is forcing me to grow up in ways I never had before, and I am learning a lot about myself, not the least of which is that I am capable of being a good partner (a surprise to me, since my mom divorced twice and I've seen a lot of messed up relationships in my day).
I think I searched for years for the man it would just "come naturally" with, but I don't think that man exists. Intimacy is hard, but you get out of it what you put into it. I really don't think you'll regret working on your marriage. You don't just owe it to your kids or your husband. You owe it to yourself. Though I admit I don't know your specific situation, I think it's entirely possible that you think separation or divorce, if you could afford them would relieve some of your discomfort. They wouldn't. They would just bring a whole other set of challenges. Singlehood - and single parenthood - is not a picnic.
What kind of adults do you want your kids to be - The kind who work on their relationships and see the positive in the person they married or the kind that give up when it gets hard?
Because it will always, always get hard. At least for a little while.
Please at least give counseling a try. If nothing else, you will learn a lot about yourself.
I hope you can forgive the tough love. But you did ask ...
P.S. My SO and I watched a DVD about the marriage counseling work this couple does and were impressed:
http://www.hedyyumi.com/
They were unhappily married for 20 years before they decided to make their marriage better, and they appear to have succeeded.
They have a DVD where they teach the technique they use in their workshops. That might be a cheap way to get DIY counseling!
Mtnlaurel. Thinking of you. Wishing you all the best and hoping for extended happiness to come your way.
i too grew up in a household where parents stayed together; because dad says now "well i try to remember the good times" my mother drank; i think she was so unhappy and neither knew how to parent; my brother sexually abused both me and my sister; he was doing it as a kid; my first memory was being worried about my sister being abused while she was put in with my brother at my aunts wedding;
brother says he doesn't know why it happened but it has made him a better parent and he has moved on; meanwhile he took something that was so precious and continues to traumatize me even though i have had therapy; having sex with dh is difficult; we had to get therapy; i have such rage against my brother; i know he was a kid but still help me out a little; tell me what was happening at the time; have some dialog with me about the past so i can heal;
anyway this long story tells you the effects of people staying together; i have been able to be at peace about my parents and their abuse of me; we have talked about it; they are now in their 80's and still fight and talk about divorce
i say take your money and do what makes you happy; don't spend your last days miserable; my mother is getting back at my father by having him wait on her hand and foot and he is miserable; they both are; stuck in a little tiny cabin with no friends; they had to stop that when mom drank;
do what you can now; whatever works; talk with your spouse; have a heart to heart; sit down say what do you want to do; i am miserable; you can get books from the library that can help you if you can't afford a therapist which i recommend; but find one that you both like or maybe you should start on your own if your spouse doesn't want to go; dh came from an awful enviornment; and his parents still do the same game playing etc. as they did when he was growing up
are your children acting out; take a look at how they are doing as well; they have got to be feeling the effects;
whatever you do; do something!!!! now; for the sake of your children and for you as individuals
i tell my spouse i would never want to be married to him if he was miserable and wanted a divorce; everyone deserves to have some happiness in their lives
Gardenarian
8-29-11, 5:28pm
Hi mtnlaurel,
I didn't hear the radio show, and as I'm at work ;) I can't listen right now. I would like to hear it, as I share some of the same feelings as you.
As you can see by the number of responses, you have touched a chord here, and you are not alone in feeling ambivalent about your marriage.
Dh and I are not a match made in heaven, and I have found it most helpful to focus on my own happiness (it is not selfish, it's self-care, I think.) Keeping a gratitude journal, developing my own interests, practicing yoga and meditation, taking courses, spending time alone in nature, having a satisfying job, making my own friends, enjoying time spent with my daughter - these are all very important to me, and I consider myself a happy person, despite a somewhat mediocre marriage.
We have just one child, and she relates to us in in very different ways. There are just a few things that we ALL enjoy doing as a family (taking the dogs for a run, kayaking, going to arts fairs, watching sci-fi movies) and while we can't do these every day, having some good family time gives dd a sense of security (I think) and I make a real effort to make these things happen. It gives me the hope that someday dh and I will have the energy/time/whatever-is-missing to work on improving our marriage. If that doesn't happen and we eventually part, then we will at least have raised an amazing kid, and because I am taking care of myself, I will not have felt like I have wasted my time in any way.
I guess what I am saying is, at some point I decided to stop worrying about the relationship. I put the focus on me, and on raising my daughter - things I can (mostly) control.
I love what Zoebird wrote: "marriage can be boring and irritating. seriously, it's just life. people are neurotic. two people together doubles the neurosis. add children that push buttons in every way, particularly more than one, and you have neurosis on parade!"
She is a very wise woman.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.