Turning down a conference offer

[screamingflea]

I know, I've been chewing over this on the transportation thread. It's driving me totally batty.

I've basically been offered a free ride. Hotel, transit, per diem for meals. The thing is, with 8 days on the train for 4 days there, it just isn't worth it to me. But my employer and the agency offering me the stipend really want me to go.

So ... if I turn down the conference, will it make me look bad to my employer? There's a waiting list, so it's not as if the money will go to waste. I'm happy to go to another conference, just one that's closer to home. I explained that to my employer a couple weeks ago and she seemed to be down with that ... then she told me last week about the stipend that's larger than we thought.

:confused:>:(:0!:0!:0!:0!!!!!!

[Valley]

This is a hard one...but, I think if it is possible to dig down deep and do this, it will be good for both your career and your personal sense of accomplishment! In the end you are the only one who can make the final decision.

[chrisgermany]

Some employers remove you from the waiting list for interesting seminars if you refuse to go to one, some don't.
The employers impression may be that you just are not interested enough to overcome some inconveniences.
I would see the train ride as time for preparation and vacation, take some good books and enjoy.
To me travel time is perfect for planning and mental exercises: hardly any interruptions and a stage of "in between".

[Dharma Bum]

Not going is not the issue, plenty of people might have a reason not to go. But your no fly ride the train approach makes you look a little odd whether you go or not.

[screamingflea]

Yargh, I'm really painting myself into a corner here.

I submitted a list of my expenses to my boss if I were to go. It wasn't in the sense of assuming what they should give me, so much as to give them an idea of what I'd be looking at if I went. It included a per diem for meals for the additional time on the train, the cost of kenneling my pets for two weeks, a sleeper compartment on the train since 8 days is a very long time, and a few other factors. Part of my strategy with that is that they'll take one look at it and tell me to stay home. I have a feeling they're not going to do that though ...

If they feel strongly enough to subsidize even part of the list I gave them, then I'll suck it up and go. It would be so much easier if they weren't doing such invasive patdowns at the airport. I would have booked my flight weeks ago, and that would have been that. But I have no lingering doubts about my decision not to fly.

[rodeosweetheart]

[If they feel strongly enough to subsidize even part of the list I gave them, then I'll suck it up and go. It would be so much easier if they weren't doing such invasive patdowns at the airport. I would have booked my flight weeks ago, and that would have been that. But I have no lingering doubts about my decision not to fly.[/QUOTE]

[rodeosweetheart]

I think you are handling this beautifully. As someone who was signaled out for aggressive treatment at an airport last year (my first flight since 9/11) I can tell you it triggered an anxiety attack (I have PTSD from a life-threatening illness several years ago) and onset of breathing difficulties (I have COPD). It ruined the first two days of my trip and triggered terrible emotional suffering.

Bravo to you for fighting back against this. And respectfully, Dharma bum, your statement "But your no fly ride the train approach makes you look a little odd whether you go or not. " srikes me as incorrect and thoughtless. She does not look odd to me at all! She looks brave. We must keep fighting for our civil liberties, before they are gone forever. I love my country, and I do not want to lose her!

And just to add one more thing--this is the country that my uncle died, shot down over Normandy, to protect, that my father-in-law received the Distinguished Service Cross fighting Nazis in Germany, that my dad served in the Marine Corps at the age of 16 in WWII, that my ancestors who fought in the Revolution fought to establish, etc. So generations of my family have loved and fought for this country. I am going to do whatever I can to protect her, as a home for free people. And I think that's what Flea is doing, so good on you, Flea.

[chrisganon]

I think everything works out in the long run for a reason. You will be better off.

Acupuncture Miami (http://www.backonpoint.com/)

[Dharma Bum]

It would be so much easier if they weren't doing such invasive patdowns at the airport.

I'll repeat what I told you in the other thread:


I'm here in the airport now thinking about this. I fly 2-4 days a week 40-50 weeks a year. I've never had any problem with TSA. It's a hassle, they can be jerks in some airports, and it's worthless theater, but not anything to miss a trip over. It strikes me you may be able to do a lot to help yourself get through this. Most people who have problems bring it on themselves. If you put everything in a checked bag and wear minimal clothing through the scanner with NO metal anywhere it should be a breeze. http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/pat_downs.shtm Random screening usually just means someone looks closer at your carryon, but if you don't have one it's no problem. Even if you get wanded if you have no metal there is no need for closer scrutiny.

I recognize you have some sensitivities, but if you do it smart there is little chance of having a problem.

Airport security is not the Tokyo subway. It's not that hard to avoid contact.

[rodeosweetheart]

I am a mild-mannered looking 55 year old Caucasian woman. I look like the stereotypical English teacher that I am. Sometimes I limp a bit from nerve damage to my left leg. They signaled me out for groping and wanding in the Savannah airport.

I sat shaking, crying, and experiencing breathlessness in the airport for an hour. Believe me, there are no offers of help or assistance.

It is not correct that it is easy to avoid contact, or that they just look at your bag more closely.

Flea, if you want to fly, please travel with someone, if you have disabilities.

[saguaro]

I would see the train ride as time for preparation and vacation, take some good books and enjoy.
To me travel time is perfect for planning and mental exercises: hardly any interruptions and a stage of "in between".

If they OK the train and related expenses, I would say then go. You have time to relax and watch the scenery, something you don't get to do while flying. And the seats are much more comfortable!

[screamingflea]

This morning it occurred to me that I could request the airline to send an employee with me through the security process. It sounds great, but of course it would just attract their attention even more. GOD I hate this. My agency is probably never going to send me anywhere after this. Every compromise I come up with has some major problem with it. Nobody should have to base any decision on the likelihood of being sexually humiliated.

[Dharma Bum]

It is not correct that it is easy to avoid contact

I just checked my frequent flyer statement. I've been through airport security 86 times since January 1 2011. Probably twice that last year. I've never been touched. Never had anyone in my party touched. Only maybe once or twice saw someone in line searched and they deserved it, and by that I mean setting off the detector and having way too much clothes on. If you don't give them a reason you are fine. Your limp may have been enough to arouse suspicion.

Check everything but your ID and some paper currency, don't wear any jewelry and if you have to carry a phone remember to put it through the machine. Flea, you've always struck me as a bright person. There are no guarantees in life but the chances of something bad happening to you appear reasonable if you are prepared, and you stike me as someone who can do that.

[rodeosweetheart]

I'm glad no one attacked you Dharmabum, truly. Why must you discount what I say, what happened to me?

[Dharma Bum]

I'm glad no one attacked you Dharmabum, truly. Why must you discount what I say, what happened to me?

I'm really very sorry you had a bad experience. My point is just that life involves calculated risks. Some people are victims of crimes, but I still leave my house. I try not to do anything foolish, but I don't require the risk to be 0%. It's SF's choice, just want her to have good information when she makes it is all.

[rodeosweetheart]

But what you said was if you are "smart" , if you look a certain way, if you dress a certain way, if you don't have a limp, that they will leave you alone. That seems to me to be putting the responsibility for the attack on the victim.

You did not say it was a calculated risk, but rather that if you were "smart" you would be fine and they would leave you alone. That was not my experience.

Maybe you don't limp. Maybe you're an intimidating guy. Maybe you look real rich, like you won't sue. I don't know, because I have never seen you.

My feeling was that they had a quota, and I was selected as harmless and vulnerable. A good victim. Not going to fight back. And that makes me sick.

The first people that Hitler gassed were the disabled. Just sayin.

[Dharma Bum]

But what you said was if you are "smart" , if you look a certain way, if you dress a certain way, if you don't have a limp, that they will leave you alone. That seems to me to be putting the responsibility for the attack on the victim.


As annoying as I find TSA I think the Hitler and victim analogies are uncalled for. They are people doing a job. But if you want to take your victim mindset I'd say there is a difference between blaming the victim and taking reasonable precautions. If the goal is to avoid being mugged, I think it is smarter to leave your flashy jewelry at home when walking downtown than to cry about how unfair it is that you got mugged while wearing it. We are not looking to place blame, we are looking to avoid an incident. Any time you leave your bed you are playing the odds, all I am suggesting here is that the odds are manageable and going through security is not like attending a Tailhook convention.

[rodeosweetheart]

Dharma, I can see how you would look at what I have said and conclude I have a victim mindset. I'm not sure that avoiding being mugged by not wearing flashy jewelry is the best analogy. What I am trying to talk about is the erosion of personal liberty and the potential rise of fascism in our country. These are issues that are important, and not really personal. You can conclude anything you want about me and about my mindset, but what I am trying to talk about goes beyond my personal needs or my personal behaviors or my personal mindset.

You are certainly entitled to feel that Hitler and victim analogies are uncalled for, but as the saying goes, All that is required for evil to flourish is for good men to say nothing. I feel that there is enough of a threat here that I am trying to speak up. I thought that Flea was trying to speak up by opting out of plane travel. Taking her dollars elsewhere. Maybe that was not her point.

I think sometimes people use "victim mindset" to discount experiences that they do not want to hear about, because they are uncomfortable. What I have read about these TSA problems indiciate to me that there is a real issue here. I was shocked when it happened to me, and did want to be a voice for what happened to me. I think we have a responsibility to speak up to protect our freedom. That, to me, is what make America, well, America. It' hurtful to me personally when you mock what I have said by referring to my experiences a a Tailhook convention. I feel you are making fun of me, and that is painful.

Anyway, I've shared too much here and it was not my intention to derail Flea's post. Flea, good luck with all of this, and I'm not going to say anything more.

[JaneV2.0]

"What I am trying to talk about is the erosion of personal liberty and the potential rise of fascism in our country."

Yes, that's the point exactly. It's clear that Americans won't stand up to unreasonable search and seizure foisted on them in the name of security. What will they stand up to, one wonders.

That's the whole point of Screamingflea taking the train. Clearly some don't mind being groped by strangers or being irradiated while having their genitalia immortalized in a data base somewhere, but others of us would prefer to avoid that.

[screamingflea]

Update:

I took the list of expenses to my employer, and they countered with an additional stipend of $1000 on top of the $2000 offered by the agency that made the additional offer. I joined the AAA for their travel agency services, but nothing worked out. Every plan I came up with had some major glitch in it - I couldn't find a dog kennel that would take Fido for the full three weeks, so I'd have to ask a friend to move him from one kennel to another. Sleeper cars weren't available for all parts of the trip, so I'd have to spend 17-hour stretches in cattle class with no sleep. I would have had to hit my nest egg - hard - to make the reservations at all so that I could even get reimbursed, and it was looking more like $5000 for their $3000 reimbursement.

That, and with every step I made toward making this happen, my intuition started howling don't do this. So I decided it wasn't meant to be. I sat down with my boss yesterday, and she told me that there was no pressure in the first place. They were just supporting me because I seemed to want it so badly. >8) :laff:

So ... lesson learned. Actually, many lessons learned. Instead I'm treating myself to a week-long intensive course in my martial art. It's around the same time, costs much less, and will give me a tremendous sense of fulfillment. Win-win.

[lhamo]

Glad you came to a satisfactory resolution with this, flea. Hopefully next year the conference will be somewhere closer and they will still be supportive of you going. It is great when your employer cares about you and supports you in the way yours apparently does. I'm lucky that way, too -- I got to go to Paris for a training a few weeks into my job, which was tres cool!

Enjoy your martial arts course....

lhamo

[JaneV2.0]

Things have a way of working out, don't they?

[screamingflea]

Deed they do! I knew I made the right call because I felt this HUGE sense of relief. Still feeling it, actually.