View Full Version : he is talking to me
So he is talking to me, It feels so much better. I am not just glad because I am holding out for us getting back together, that is not something I am concerned about one way or another right now, but i didn't like how this happened. He isn't just such random boyfriend that dropped into my life. If it never works out he will be a person that I will always love in one way or another. i know you have heard all the stuff that is a struggle but there has been so much good.
In any case, the details are private but I wanted to tell you that.
I can hear your relief, Zoe Girl. I am glad that you are feeling better about this.
It has been good to talk, but I think I am done now. I feel like the major anger and hurt is cleared up but he still doesn't see a long term partnership and I just can't be the fun person on the side with my life the way it is. It is really too bad, we were always working around my 2 jobs that go 7 days a week so I feel we didn't have the time I would have wanted, but when there was no partnership on the table so that i could quit that exhausting life I had to say no more. Now I can;t even imagine dating again, no offense to guys but it seems the ones on dating sites want to go back to teenage level responsibilities and just have fun while I really have a hard life right now. Can't do that,
I'm glad you were able to discuss your split in an amicable fashion.
I think it's a rare middle-aged person who can maintain "teenage level responsibilities." most of them have work, family support, financial burdens like houses and car notes...I can understand anyone not wanting to take on more obligations than they feel they can handle, courting burnout and resentment.
Your schedule is grueling; I don't know how you could shoehorn more activities into it than you do now.
Hey I don't blame anyone for not wanting my life, I don't want parts of it but I am surviving. And i worked really hard to make time for him and my kids and everyone i care about. Now is about 15 months and something was supposed to get easier, like him trial living with us or living a lot closer but both brought out the silence. The lack of answers on that on top of the not talking about his insurance that would make a divorce possible was too much.
So last night he missed me and he texted, and then he stated clearly that he didn't see a future for us. So why flirt? Just to add to the pain? If I have contacted him at all to tell him I miss him I am also serious about working on things. I tried to sleep and then just had such clarity that he was working on himself and not considering working on things that would meet my needs, and at the end of the day I only get calls from people I owe money to and he is buying a new car. Does he owe me anything, not at all. I wouldn't suggest that he ever needed to pay for anything but he did pay for dates and such. I just spent most of my marriage living with 2 standards of living, one for him and the much lower one for me. And when i was supporting the family for a couple years I didn't do that. I work a traditionally female job, I do traditionally female things, and I dated a guy who appreciated those little things, but I cannot afford to do those as the wage earner as well.
Okay sorry i had to talk that out, for almost the first time in my life I simply do not care as much about his pain and damage as I care about myself.
...So last night he missed me and he texted, and then he stated clearly that he didn't see a future for us. So why flirt?...
Really Zoe, I think you can figure that one out.
for almost the first time in my life I simply do not care as much about his pain and damage as I care about myself.
This is a huge step.
Think about it: "I miss you," at worst, means "I know that saying this will get you to do/be what I want" and at best can mean "I want my nice comfort zone back" or nothing at all. You two seem to be trying to manipulate each other into being the kind of person you want/need (he'd like you to never ask uncomfortable questions or ask for anything; you'd like him to know how to communicate and make commitments like an adult). Seems like you could invest yourself more wisely somewhere else, jmho.
I remember hearing a psychologist who specialized in relationships say that her rule was "Do not date anyone for at least a year after your divorce is final. Period." I think that's good advice for a number of reasons. It takes time and space to assess what went wrong and what you want from the rest of your life.
ETA: I worked with a couple many years ago who were crazy about each other. They were middle-aged and each had children from previous marriages. As much as he loved her, he wasn't interested in taking on parenting her teenagers. So they extended their courtship for the few years it took for the kids to get fledged, and then they married and lived happily ever after.
rodeosweetheart
8-19-11, 9:30am
"at the end of the day I only get calls from people I owe money to and he is buying a new car. Does he owe me anything, not at all. I wouldn't suggest that he ever needed to pay for anything but he did pay for dates and such. I just spent most of my marriage living with 2 standards of living, one for him and the much lower one for me."
I think you have figured out something really, really important here, and brava for doing that! I think at the end of the day, I would have trouble liking this guy, becaue I would feel I was being used.
And you fgured this out! So personally, I'd think about how I felt after he texted. Is this how I want to feel? That's the question I would ask myself.
You guys are so awesome, really. I keep on expecting someone to tell me that I should have known before or that I should be over by now or just any sort of should.
I kinda missed the divorce thing because she had been gone for 2 years, but they had never actually divorced for the insurance reasons for his daughter. I saw that as reasonable since he and his ex both wanted to make sure the daughter was covered. But then when there was a chance to cover the daughter another way and it was through the same company I worked for and they both refused my help it started to be a problem. In any case he acted like I was bothering him to bring any of this up, and that is not partnership. I thought since he could do that then he would be able to do an adult partnership, wrong guess.
Used, I guess I never considered that. I think one issue was that I wouldn't be used more (and the using was in his mind, I pretty much knew my limits clearly, 1 year for a divorce and 2 years for partnership). So in the last message I got from him in email (yeah gotta stop opening those emails) he answered something without really meaning to. I kept on wondering what happened after our romantic trip to Vegas that changed things, that was the beginning of a shift. He had brought up marriage and i was stubborn and not romantic. He was still married and I wasn't going to pull a Vegas stunt. If I get married again I want a wedding. He said that i just kept on doing more and more. Hmmm, that means trying to learn spanish and continuing with meditation and looking at ways to improve skills for my career. So he expected that I would do less of that. At the same time I was inviting him over more for dinners, seeing if the kids were okay if he was here overnight, and gave him a key. So I am doing what I think is good and he is reacting to something I had no idea about. He really wanted me to do 'more' for him but geez the guy got in his own way. I invited him for dinner and I think sometimes he didn't come because maybe it was a drrive back and forth or I made something he didn't care for or who knows. I think it would have been the classic of me dropping activities and focusing solely on him only to find out too late that he wasn't going to get divorced or marry me. That would have suited him fine, so many women have gone down this path, and then I really would have felt used up.
I guess he does want his comfort zone back, that really was only me for the honeymoon period and then I became one of those demanding women who insisted that the deal was two ways. If I can let go of trying to prove a point to him then I am home free, almost there.
General commentary, not necessarily meant to apply to your situation:
I think the idea that men are always "using" women is insulting. One could as easily make the argument the other way around. People involved in relationships are adults and capable of negotiating their own give and take. If someone really is being taken advantage of, at some point (pretty early in the game) it becomes their own fault. IMO
Zoe Girl, I think it is good that you were and are smart enough to set time limits and expect answers to simple questions. You are going through the most difficult part now...you know you need to be done, but you still wonder if maybe just maybe there wasn't some misunderstanding that could be cleared up. Trust me, this one is over and you are too smart to believe that some how, some way, either one of you or both can change who you are. Yes, you are hurt...but you are also much wiser about what you need in a relationship at this stage in your life! Good luck Zoe...hang in there.
leslieann
8-19-11, 12:34pm
This isn't relevant to the OP's main point but I wanted to say that I think (THINK) that the line about can't get divorced because I need to keep the kid on my insurance is a crock. To put it pleasantly. Divorce happens all the time and lots of insurance companies manage that just fine. After my divorce I took my college age son on my new insurance independent of where he lived...in fact, there was paperwork specifically for non-custodial parents who were providing coverage for the child.
People have such inane excuses for not doing something that they don't want to do. Why not just say what's true?
Okay, that was something of a rant and maybe I am not even correct. However, it did what a good rant does and I feel better.
Zoe, I am just glad that you are nearly through this and because you are you, you'll figure out a pile of life lessons from it. I hope you get to a place where you can have less time at work and more time for you, soon!
I remember hearing a psychologist who specialized in relationships say that her rule was "Do not date anyone for at least a year after your divorce is final. Period." I think that's good advice for a number of reasons. It takes time and space to assess what went wrong and what you want from the rest of your life.
ETA: I worked with a couple many years ago who were crazy about each other. They were middle-aged and each had children from previous marriages. As much as he loved her, he wasn't interested in taking on parenting her teenagers. So they extended their courtship for the few years it took for the kids to get fledged, and then they married and lived happily ever after.
Jane: Thanks for this. It's something I've been pondering myself for the past few weeks.
Zoe Girl, it's so tempting to revisit a relationship that almost worked. Trust me, I know. But ultimately, if it's not going to work, you can't force it and sometimes it's best to just make that clean break. You may never be able to figure out all the reasons the other person acted the way they did. They make not even know (consciously) their reasons. But your gut will tell you when it's right and when it's not. I know a woman who's remained stuck on a relationship that ended a couple of years ago, and it's made her extremely bitter. I look at her as my example of why not to cling to something that's over. And yeah, here I'm talking to myself about as much as I am to you.
Be well always, Zoe Girl.
Susan
Keep moving forward! Do stuff for yourself, if he hasn't got that divorce yet he never will. I think that is all you need to know about him.
I wasted 4 yrs of my life in my late 20s on a married man who always going to "get a divorce." It was one reason after another, one breakup after another leaving me always blaming myself. Put you first, always. Don't let his tricks draw you back in.
I remember hearing a psychologist who specialized in relationships say that her rule was "Do not date anyone for at least a year after your divorce is final. Period." I think that's good advice for a number of reasons. It takes time and space to assess what went wrong and what you want from the rest of your life.
:+1: And that includes "for 1 year after their divorce is final."
(and that is w/ 15+ years experience in the post-divorce dating arena)
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