View Full Version : Email from a guy who sounds suicidal - how to respond
Hi guys,
I've posted here about problems with some weird email correspondents I've had in my job, and you've told me I need to stop responding early on and just nip these things in the bud. I've been doing that ever since! But one particular guy was writing to me before I saw the light and had your excellent advice to go by.
I'm a radio host, and listener Barth is my current issue. Barth is an older guy with a lot going for him - a retired professor who still writes occasionally for a local publication. He's smart and apparently a nice person, animal lover, etc. etc. From outside he doesn't look like he would have any reason to be as lonely as he's constantly telling me he is, but there it is.
The problem is that he writes to me constantly, and has become very demanding. His letters are usually guilt-inducing pleas for my sympathy for his single status. He also posts stuff on my Facebook wall like, "I'm a lucky guy, I'm so grateful for my dog and my church - and, of course, YOU!" (Yes, I shouldn't have accepted his friend request, I know that now).
At some point he seemed to realize that I was deflecting him, and he started to get hostile. When he began criticizing me, I told him I'd had it - and didn't want to hear from him anymore. No effect - he just kept emailing.
As of today, I'm going to stop responding to Barth (I realize I should have done it long ago) - but I'm wondering what my final message to him should say, and that's where I could use your help.
I've received a few strange messages in a row. Here are some snippets from the last two I've received, over the past few days:
(Blank) FM's programming sustains my life.
(Blank) FM makes me want to stick around.
Once again I have light -- the stuff that keeps us from suicide.
It suddenly occurred to me that Barth may really be at risk for suicide. So - I'm angry, because I hate being told that I'm the one thing keeping someone alive, and this is a person I don't even know. Creeps me out, makes me feel harassed and sort of dirty somehow.
The other piece of this - I'm really alarmed! I'm afraid this guy is at risk, and I don't know what to do. I've sketched out a response in which I tell him that he should contact a qualified therapist immediately, and also to alert a family member about his mental state.
My question - I feel Barth's emails constitute harassment and possibly stalking, if they continue. But I have a fear that a clear boundary statement like "Please stop writing me immediately" could put him over the edge. Should I be blunt, as if I were writing a legal document, or should I try to soften the blow in any way?
Any other thoughts appreciated!
As of today, I'm going to stop responding to Barth (I realize I should have done it long ago) - but I'm wondering what my final message to him should say, and that's where I could use your help.
What final message? I'd seriously consider not writing anything more. I know it's not the same circumstance, but when harrassed by an anonymous phone caller, the best thing is to not say anything and hang up immediately.
I'd also contact a suicide hotline yourself, or help such as that, tell them your situation and ask them what to do. Unless someone here is an expert or has pertinent experience, you are asking for serious advice on an internet forum... Also educate yourself on stalkers. There must be much information on that on the net that you can find. If it continues to escalate, talk to the police.
What a horrible situation to be in. :(
You did not create his problems, you are not in charge of his mental health, and you have no responsibility to ride in and be his savior. If you could see through the walls of all the homes in your neighborhood, you would see that there are many, many people who are lonely and refuse to do the hard work of remedying it, and many, many people who are depressed but will not reach out for help.
You're not that powerful, kitten. Can't save them all.
If you really feel the need to send a final response, I'd certainly suggest that he seek professional help for his isolation and depression, and tell him you won't be responding any more. Then block his emails, block him on FB, close off all avenues where he can reach you. And absolutely speak to a stalking expert with the police and learn the strategies for making sure he doesn't approach you. Do you know where he lives? In my community, if someone threatens suicide, you can have the police dispatched to their home. Just the threat of that kept my stalker from waving that weapon at me again.
I know I don't need to say this, but please don't get intimate with your listeners any more in this way. Whatever inner reason you had to let yourself do this before, please protect yourself in the future -- people like this can be very dangerous, and you're not doing any of them any favors by satisfying their fantasy of rubbing elbows with celebrity. Sending you a bubble of safety and peace of mind!! :)
Simpler at Fifty
8-23-11, 7:31pm
Seriously Kitten go to your management with all the emails. They know how to handle these things.
I would also contact local law enforcement and see what resources they have, if any, about stalkers. My guess is that they will recommend you stop contact with him immediately, no last communications. They may even offer to pay the guy a visit, depending on their staffing and how suicide intervention works in your community. In my community, if someone is at risk for suicide the police pick them up and the at risk person is held in a special cell until he is evaluated. And yes, everyone realizes that is not ideal but we just don't have the resources to do anything else.
This situation needs some outside intervention. From your previous posts your management sounds essentially useless so it will be up to you to get the help you need.
You did not create his problems, you are not in charge of his mental health, and you have no responsibility to ride in and be his savior. If you could see through the walls of all the homes in your neighborhood, you would see that there are many, many people who are lonely and refuse to do the hard work of remedying it, and many, many people who are depressed but will not reach out for help.
You're not that powerful, kitten. Can't save them all.
If you really feel the need to send a final response, I'd certainly suggest that he seek professional help for his isolation and depression, and tell him you won't be responding any more. Then block his emails, block him on FB, close off all avenues where he can reach you. And absolutely speak to a stalking expert with the police and learn the strategies for making sure he doesn't approach you. Do you know where he lives? In my community, if someone threatens suicide, you can have the police dispatched to their home. Just the threat of that kept my stalker from waving that weapon at me again.
I know I don't need to say this, but please don't get intimate with your listeners any more in this way. Whatever inner reason you had to let yourself do this before, please protect yourself in the future -- people like this can be very dangerous, and you're not doing any of them any favors by satisfying their fantasy of rubbing elbows with celebrity. Sending you a bubble of safety and peace of mind!! :)
+1.
Thanks for these great posts and your excellent help, you guys, I appreciate it! :) - k.
It suddenly occurred to me that Barth may really be at risk for suicide. So - I'm angry, because I hate being told that I'm the one thing keeping someone alive, and this is a person I don't even know. Creeps me out, makes me feel harassed and sort of dirty somehow.
Hi kitten, just wanted to chime on this.
I know you are concerned for this guy's well-being and for your safety but the feeling of anger is a very valid feeling to have in a situation like this. I have been on the receiving end of an actual suicide threat and one of my feelings at the time was feeling emotionally terrorized and abused by the situation and frankly, I got royally ticked off about it. So I understand where you are coming from
I wouldn't respond any more to this guy but definitely get outside help / advice on this situation, be it law enforcement, suicide hotline, etc. Don't go this one alone. Not only for his sake, but also for your own safety.
screamingflea
8-24-11, 11:45am
Kitten, I used to work in broadcasting myself so I have a good idea what you're talking about. At my station one of my colleagues got a series of threatening letters because she was of Jewish descent - one was an explicit bomb threat. It goes without saying that she called the police, but they weren't very proactive and the letters kept coming. *shrug*
In all likelihood he's a harmless crank, but don't take it lightly. Unfriend him if you haven't already. Then be consistent with that and don't contact him at all. If you contact him to tell him not to contact you, that sends a mixed message to his tiny reptilian brain that he'll interpret to his maximum advantage.
When it comes to stalking, paper trails are critical. Document the living crap out of every email, every call, every letter. Then take all of your documentation with you and let your supervisor know if you haven't already. They need to know about a potential safety risk to you and to the station, and they can also take measures to help you stay safe. Don't forget to utilize built-in tools like the receptionist to screen out his calls, and the email-blocking function on your computer. Also, keeping your employer in the loop will enhance your credibility when you contact ...
Law enforcement. Sadly, law enforcement is pretty useless when it comes to stalking. Bother them anyway, and don't let them put you off. I wouldn't waste time on having some bottom-level schmoe come out and hand you some platitudes. Go directly to the sex-crime division where they're better educated about this stuff. Or the domestic violence division. And contact your local women's crisis center for good measure; they can be a wealth of not only support, but knowledge on local law, social services and other resources.
It sounds like you're recovering from some understandable mistakes like the Facebook friending and doing a good job of educating yourself. Bravo for that. As to the suicidality aspect ...
If he's gotten belligerent enough for you to wonder about your safety, he's relinquished any claim he (never) had on your attention and time. It's very possible that he's crying wolf to guilt himself back into your good graces. If you respond to it, it'll show him what it takes to get your attention again (escalation!) and it'll be that much harder to extricate yourself when he escalates from suicide threats.
Definitely bring it up when you talk to your supervisor and the police, if only to cover yourself for liability reasons. I would not recommend filing for an involuntary mental health hold. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a very traumatic and degrading thing, and will probably pour gasoline on the situation as he'd blame you for it. If his threats get explicit or he shows up at the station or your home, that's a different matter. Use your judgement.
He may be a dog-loving college grad, but that's irrelevant. You're probably the latest in a very long line of people he's harassed, and you won't be the last. Don't feel sorry for him. He's solely responsible for the life choices he makes, and if he is older and well-educated that makes him more responsible than most. That includes any mental health issues he may have, right up to and including suicide. Harassment and stalking are crimes, and I urge you to treat it as such. You entitled to live your life and do your job in peace. Don't compromise on that.
Thanks, Saguaro and Screamingflea. Lots of good ideas here. I appreciate it! :)
In the future, could you do sort of a form letter that says something to the affect thank you forthe email but due to the large volume of e mails and other responsiblities "kitten" is no longer able to answer emails individiually. blah blah blah. it sounds like you are to friendly from the get go.
screamingflea
8-24-11, 8:22pm
Ha, Gmail has a widget for making up a "canned reply" that you can apply as selectively as you want.
As to the documentation, you may want to cc your human resources person on all that too. They also need to know how this is (not) being handled. They may also know of some obscure policy your boss doesn't that can be enforced on your behalf. It's really inexcusable that they're refusing to step up on this. If things really get out of hand you could always send them some John Lennon-esque "fan horror stories" to make them uncomfortable.
You shouldn't have to be in this position, and frankly your employers' attitude really pisses me off. Best of luck.
Thanks Aqua Blue!
Thanks Screamingflea, I LOVE the idea of a widget for a canned response! Good advice also to document this for HR.
Kitten,
Sorry you are dealing with this. My first serious relationship was with a guy who pulled the "im so miserable I want to kill myself but I can't kill myself because that would hurt you, therefore you are responsible for my misery" card. Not fun or healthy. I have a very high level of sympathy for people who struggle with depression, but it stops when they start pulling others into their whirlpool of dysfunction.
One strategy you might try, which I use, is having separate facebook profiles for personal and professional purposes. I do this and so far it is working well. Sometimes people I know professionally will send me a friend request via my personal profile, but it is rare, and when it happens I just send them my own request via the professional one. In a few cases I have "friended" people on both accounts, since we are both friends and peers. One of my old grad school friends is a well known professor and posts a lot about things my grantees would be interested in, so I want them to be able to see those links -- I've got him friended on both profiles. But that is pretty rare.
Also, it sounds like generally you are happy where you are now, but I did see when I was back home that KUOW is hiring for a producer position if you are at all interested in making a change.
lhamo
Hi lhamo!
Ha ha, you're blowing my cover here, LOL!
Yeah, the suicide card is so manipulative. I mean even if the person is in trouble, it doesn't justify the guilt trip. In my kiss-off letter I told that listener to alert a family member about his mental state, and to try to find a qualified therapist.
I did send him a final letter, though most advice I got here was not to send any response at all. It's just that I'd heard some anti-stalking advice to tell the person in no uncertain terms to lay off - and then if they continue to contact you, you've got a leg to stand on legally. Just wanted to get my ducks in a row in case this escalates..
Separate FB pages...hm, that could work.
Your feedback helps me a lot :)
BTW, I'm a dork, can anyone tell me how to add a pic to my profile?
screamingflea
8-27-11, 2:26am
BTW, I'm a dork, can anyone tell me how to add a pic to my profile?
I'll leave it to a more tech-savvy moderator to walk you through that. Once you get there, I'd recommend the Sniper Kitty (http://www.wayodd.com/the-kitty-sniper/v/4631/) image. Under the circumstances, it seems like the best way to go. :-P
I'll leave it to a more tech-savvy moderator to walk you through that. Once you get there, I'd recommend the Sniper Kitty (http://www.wayodd.com/the-kitty-sniper/v/4631/) image. Under the circumstances, it seems like the best way to go. :-P
i'm gonna show that pic to my dogs when they misbehave :-)!
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