View Full Version : Thrift-Gifts?
So, i was looking at my christmas budget, and I normally get consumables for everyone -- locally made stuff -- and I have found stuff that's in my price range. It's this beautiful muscle rub that is good for arthritis as well, everyone loves it, and it's $5 for a little pot that lasts (with daily use) about 6 months. So, it's a good buy.
I'm thinking now about "kiwiana" as the second part of the gift, and using our 'ebay' that we have here to find funky gifts to go along with the e-balm. I'm thinking things like tea tray covers with kiwiana images, or those weird old spoons that might have been made into jewelry, and so on.
my fear is that people for whom i need to buy gifts won't like 'em. I usually bomb out at gift giving because our budget is so low -- usually $30 per person (for 10 people). my husband and I do not buy each other gifts, nor do we buy gifts for our DS at the holidays.
this year, the $30 also has to include shipping, so it comes to about $22 a person.
the various 'kiwiana' things that i have found -- from table clothes and napkins to carved shells and spoons to all sorts of odd things -- have come in around $10 a piece, and with the $5 balm, that's under budget, and means I can actually get some nice wrappings and/or locally made sweets as well.
i hate disappointing people.
The coolest thing I've done recently was learn how to knit socks. I use high quality yarn I get at Goodwill& people get warm, woolen, handmade socks. I recommend it!
yeah, me and knitting haven't worked out well. i've tried it several times. i just can't get my fingers around it. i also can't sew. i've tried that. I've taken classes (free ones) with the loveliest people, and one lady just said "darling, i think you are hopeless." LOL she said it with humor though.
Mighty Frugal
11-11-11, 3:39pm
Wow, $30 a person seems to be a lot! Sad that you buy for 10 people but not DS or your DH. I say you buy for DS and DH and sod the rest of them-haha
Ok..can you ship something that isn't too heavy? I say you skip the kiwiana-as they seem geared to a particular taste. And stick to the local sweets and the arthritis rub-which is great for the older crowd not so great for the teens though
Can you ship everything in one big box and have a patriarch or matriarch distribute among family-that may help with shipping costs.
I love consumables-especially foreign treats I can't get locally.
catherine
11-11-11, 3:52pm
Yeah, I agree with Mighty Frugal: I'd go for getting more personalized gifts and spend less. A lot of books cost a lot less than $30. I love the idea of local sweets. Are there local artisans that have jewelry that's not quite $30?
I think if people know you picked out something just for them, they're not about to count the cost.
And I would DEFINITELY get DH and DS something with the savings.
When I have to ship or take gifts with me I tend toward flat things like calendars, or a special interest magazine. Most people can use an extra calendar in some way. In the US printed matter mails for less that other stuff.
iris lily
11-11-11, 4:34pm
zoe, I hope that someday you can ignore whatever social pressure you feel to give gifts and just not do it. Each year I read about the angst and tension here from many posters, and I harken back to those days when I was younger and more unsure about gift giving, so I gave them. I empathize.
Now, being older and wiser, I do not give obligation gifts. Only when I a moved to do so do I give a gift, and seldom is it store-bought. I only give when I enjoy it! In the last phase of my life, it is all about me, ha ha. Hope you get there soon!
frugal-one
11-11-11, 7:07pm
I guess I would not try to do a "one fits all gift". As others stated, try to give to the person something they would really like. I give book gift cards and tea cards to the ones who really enjoy them. $22 or $30 is a nice gift!
Surprise them all with Lottery tickets!! No? Okay.
Yes, I agree with some here, that's a lot considering how many you buy for. And then have to ship it, to boot. We don't exchange gifts anymore (yay!) except we all give the ONE grandkid something.
My daughter and I think a lot alike for gifts. Last Mother's Day, I gave her four strawberry plants and she gave me two grapevines. LOL
Hey, do you have any herbs or something like that? Homemade teas, or ship a few little flower bulbs in a little cute plastic pot. Dig up a little blueberry plant and send it in a little wooden basket, that kind of thing?
Cute thrift store vintage teacups filled with really good chocolate.
I don't have any teens, just one baby, so we're good there.
I have no clue what to get anyone. I know what everyone wants, because now they have created lists. Everything is over budget by about $25.
So, I'm having DH field his parents, and I'm fielding mine, and we'll go from there.
happystuff
11-12-11, 7:50am
I have no clue what to get anyone. I know what everyone wants, because now they have created lists. Everything is over budget by about $25.
When I run into something like this, I tend to put money in a card and explain that the money is to go TOWARDS one of their expensive gift requests.
catherine
11-12-11, 8:12am
Hey, how about a subscription to a magazine? No shipping charges, and they'll think of you every month when it comes in the mail
I'd probably use living on another continent as a way to simplify things. I'd probably just opt out at that point, but if you want to give something I might go with giftcards just because of the shipping costs.
My sister and I used to swap $10 iTunes gift cards for Christmas each year. We sent them by e-mail. It was funny for a while and then eventually we both just bought our own and said it was from the other one. :)
Catherine we did the magazine thing for a while too. I think I got Family Fun one year and Cooking Light one year. That was fun.
I understand the pressure to give gifts. My family used to be that way. When I was a kid we were nuts about Christmas. My parents and grandparents each spent thousands of dollars on Christmas. My grandma and grandpa had a 2 1/2 story tree with all white lights and crystal ornaments in the art gallery in their house and had caroling around the grand piano. My uncle would dress like Santa and go out in the snow outside so we could spot him and know that we had to go to bed. Thinking about that now amuses me. I wonder how we got from that to now, when we are having a no-fuss Christmas at my mom's by the beach with virtually no gift giving.
that's funny, stella. :D
so, i got another private client this week, which is great, and so i bumped up the budget to get what people wanted. it's all NZ stuff, so yeah.
the toughest is the baby, but i suppose whatever he gets it won't matter so much. i want to send him some merino clothing, but my sister insists that she has been "allergic to wool since i was little!" but she has no known allergies according to the allergist. I was there at that appointment, so I would know. It's a way for her to create drama.
anyway, i went to the craft market and got tea towels (which my sister asked for!) for sis and SIL that are funny and hand-screened and so on. i got slippers for MIL, mom, and GMIL (wool). I got knit gloves (wool/possum fur) for FIL and dad. they are super warm (dh has a sweater made from the same yarn, and it is toasty!). I got a leather journal (made here, cool stuff) for BIL. Now, it's just the 1 yr old.
what do you get a 1 yr old who has more furniture than you do? more toys than you can count? I simply have no idea. But it can't be merino wool clothing because my sister is allergic. :D hmm.
and yes, everyone still gets arthritis cream. :D and honey. i got some awesome honey from a local keeper!
sweetana3
11-14-11, 5:50am
We used to have the typical 1950s family Christmas with the photos to prove it. Now the family has dispersed and over the years we got tired of presents we had no use for. Now we ship books, yarn and DVDs to Mom, get some fun things for local friends, and skip the whole overdone holiday. We find things like a 1940s book on banking for an internet banker son of a friend, a 1950 travel narrative for someone going to Italy, a handmade quilt with a moose print for my brother who lives in Alaska, etc. But we dont do this every year and tend to just give or send these types of things when found.
For me, I love handmade consumables. My best friend made a great ganola and another friend is going to give homegrown honey next year but a bottle of her tomatoes would also be welcome.
Ever since my nieces were babies I always gave them one of our blown ornaments for christmas gifts. By the time they are 24 they will each have 2 dozen ornaments for their own trees. Meanwhile I note that any and every gift that my boys have rec'd from those families have been toys or 'projects', nothing that has lasted over a few weeks.
I got so tired of the christmas wish lists that my husband's family sent around. 5 years ago I quit sending gifts to all adults and only do the ornaments for the nieces. Christmas is so much more peaceful for me now.
Wish lists... wow. My young adult step kids do that with their mom still. Incredible! I am so glad we habituated them to simple holidays with events, like going to a play & out for dessert afterwards, rather than stuff.
iris lily
11-14-11, 10:46am
Wish lists... wow. My young adult step kids do that with their mom still. Incredible! I am so glad we habituated them to simple holidays with events, like going to a play & out for dessert afterwards, rather than stuff.
Well, I do understand the "wish lists" because DH's family went through that as the end game of gift giving. It was apparent that no one needed anything, it was impossible to get a gaggle of grown adults anything that they would value, so asking for a wish list was a final attempt to define what each person values. After a couple years of that, it all ended. Praise god. But then, it started up again and now DH buys a "family" gift for each household which almost always is a version of a box of nuts. Whatever, I don't care, I stay completely away from it.
flowerseverywhere
11-14-11, 12:11pm
If it were me, I would take pictures of your lovely surroundings and family. Include a few scenic pics of your son on the beach or doing something fun.
Then do a personalized gift like a calendar or even a mouse pad for all the adults. Easy to ship and you may be able to find a company that you can upload the pics and they will ship them to the destination. For the baby, since you are not around you could give an age appropriate puzzle or toy, something easy to ship of course.
I could care less what anyone's gift list is. I give: to the nieces who are in college a pair of socks with some cash in it, to MIL a gift certificate for something consumable (yarn store, food store) and also since we see her I wrap up some goodie she would never buy for herself, to kids and wives some type of quilted gift, like some table accessories or a quilt and then for grandchildren some gift I have made or is made in the USA. Very hard to find so I end up making something myself.
this year for my quilted gift for the kids I made beach totes and put new beach towels in them I got on sale at the end of the season. Total cost about $20 per family and they are really cute and useful. Total budget is around $150 and I give nothing that will end up in the trash heap or is a piece of junk.
i'd rather just be away from it, honestly.
we've done the family photo thing several years in a row (frame, iconic/awesome image from the year), and then people were like "we don't like this." And then i did the calendar thing (12 pictures plus a cover photo), and that went well for one year. They asked not to get "another photo for christmas" -- so, ok.
seriously, these people often seem hard to please.
flowerseverywhere
11-14-11, 2:28pm
i'd rather just be away from it, honestly.
we've done the family photo thing several years in a row (frame, iconic/awesome image from the year), and then people were like "we don't like this." And then i did the calendar thing (12 pictures plus a cover photo), and that went well for one year. They asked not to get "another photo for christmas" -- so, ok.
seriously, these people often seem hard to please.
Well I think you have some very difficult decisions to make. You have posted having a large debt, so making a decision to continue to spend money on people who don't seem very appreciative as opposed to continuing to whittle down your debt is one that you can reconsider. I know what my decision would be.
Ok, so assuming i just say "no more gifts" -- then what?
How did you or do you handle the fall out that comes from it?
I already get A LOT of pressure between July and December about "planning for christmas" and i usually have my budget saved out by August and start looking at gifts. I usually don't find anything (because i'm object adverse) until given a list.
I can explain all the live-long day about the debt, the expenses of the business, the fact of our budget, etc etc -- i've done all of this -- and guess what? Nada. "But it's christmas!"
So, i just don't see an "out" without going through the guilt tripping from december to december (which is what happened last year when we didn't send any gifts).
flowerseverywhere
11-14-11, 3:11pm
You just have to do what is right for you and your family. Sometimes the best decision is to go along with family pressure- at one time or another we have all faced that. Sometimes you get to a point where enough is enough and many of us have faced that as well along with the consequences. Using an anonymous board as a place to mull over different viewpoints and ask opinions is an excellent way of getting many opinions. Some you will love, some you will not like at all, some you will think are rude or stepping over the line. Such is the nature of a board like this.
Only you know all the circumstances so do what is best for you and your family.
treehugger
11-14-11, 3:21pm
Ok, so assuming i just say "no more gifts" -- then what?
How did you or do you handle the fall out that comes from it?
Honestly, it sounds like you already get negative feedback from participating in gift exchanges, so opting out would just give you different negative feedback. Would that be better or worse for you? Only one way to find out. You already know (from experience) that you can't make everyone happy. It appears time to stop trying.
However, because of the timing, I would send gifts this year and then mail/email "we're opting out next year" messages in February.
This is coming from someone who has opted out of all obligatory gift exchanges, by the way.
Good luck,
Kara
I think the best time to talk about stopping a gift exchange is in January, when it is fresh on everyone's mind how hectic it was to do all that and then find space for all the new stuff. We had this discussion with my brother's family about 5 years ago. I suggested that instead of exchanging holiday/birthday gifts among the adults, we instead put that money in our respective travel budgets (we live 2000 miles apart). We still each give gifts to the kids.
my mother's answer to the 'no place for gifts!" is the "then you need to declutter and organize!" right. minimalism just isn't getting through. LOL
ah well, i'm still trying to figure it out.
Well, I do understand the "wish lists" because DH's family went through that as the end game of gift giving. It was apparent that no one needed anything, it was impossible to get a gaggle of grown adults anything that they would value, so asking for a wish list was a final attempt to define what each person values. After a couple years of that, it all ended. Praise god. But then, it started up again and now DH buys a "family" gift for each household which almost always is a version of a box of nuts. Whatever, I don't care, I stay completely away from it.
Yes, we had a wishlist phase too for the same reason.
Zoebird if you already pulled the plug on gift giving last year I'd keep it pulled. Eventually they'll probably get bored of the guilt trip.
Is this your parents or DH's parents? I'd have whichever of you is the blood related family member straight up tell the parents/siblings that you won't listen to their guilt trips. When you are talking to them and they start to guilt you, warn them that the conversation ends if it is heading down that road.
If you need some good reading to help support your decision to set boundaries I'd suggest some Alanon books. Technically it's for families with addiction issues, but I think a lot of the strategies are applicable in any situation where boundaries are an issue. Set boundaries in love and let the chips fall where they may. You are not responsible for their feelings. You cannot and should not have to walk on eggshells in an attempt to control their reactions. Their reactions are their responsibility. Frequently even healthy boundary setting hits a person in an emotional sore spot, but that is their spot to work on. It would be one thing if the people involved were grateful for the gifts they recieved, treated you with love and respect and just really enjoyed the tradition of gift giving, but what you've described sounds like emotional blackmail.
My family and Zach's family both went through a really rocky stage where we placed really firm boundaries with parents, grandparents and siblings who did a lot of guilt tripping about various things. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of a painful time. Both my mom and my grandma had major meltdowns, but the new relationships that have grown in place of the old ones are so much better!
After the "how dare you not give me my way" tantrum and a period of limited contact for a few months they started respecting my boundaries a whole lot more and we've gone from dreading seeing each other to being really excited to see each other. It caused a lot of healthy self examination from all parties. Best of luck!
chanterelle
11-14-11, 7:42pm
Stella, that was my experience as well with the insistant and domineering factions in my family.
Zoebird, an additional thought for you...... If you can't start setting boundaries for yourself and your life, your son inherits the entire mess.
My dearest and oldest friend realized this when she was about your age and my God daughter was nearly 4. She also had gotten a degree she really didn't want, in large part due to pressure and guilt and was now going through the exact same holliday and lifestyle drama disaproval from both families. When her mother started in telling her daughter what she thought the little girl should do, my friend suddenly snapped. She realized that she needed to stop the tap dance of approval and start living her own life.
Like stella said, it was ugly at first and both families never came around to that extent, but my friend finally ended a lifelong series of dramas for her daughters sake.
I do have a lot of firm boundaries, the problem is that it tends to be isolating. And yes, both families have addiction problems in the past (and somewhat present for DH's family, his sister is in recovery), so the Alanon stuff is *always* really helpful.
Where i struggle is this: I want connection with both families, and truly, I want real connection (this is where i try to use the 'love languages'). My husband and I are both "experience" or "time together" as our love language, whereas our families are all objects as love language.
So, they feel "unloved" when we don't give objects, and we feel frustrated because they GIVE objects to demonstrate love, when we would rather have money for a trip or for the debt or whatever (btw, my parents will purposefully NOT give us money because they know we'll save it or spend it on a bill, and my mother says "that's not what it's for! it's for buying something nice for yourself! a gift!").
I've tried explaining it, i've tried making boundaries (which ends up with me basically feeling isolated), and i've tried balancing it as best I could.
I've given experiential gifts, which didn't go over well, and only objects seem to do.
I was really, really good about my needs around my son, about our parenting. I was very clear and strong and direct, and because they wanted to be with the baby, they complied. But, i find in most other areas, they just withdraw and avoid/ignore us.
perhaps i need to let go of that?
iris lily
11-14-11, 10:21pm
well zoe, I hope that you figure it out. The reason I can be so blase about gift giving is that my family and DH's too are not materialistic people when all is said and done. DH's family gave gifts when all of the nieces and nephews were little, and small adult gifts just sort of happened along with that. Christmas gifts are for kids. When they all grew up everyone lost their enthusiasm for it.
I remember when my black sheep sister-in-law first proposed "please let's stop presents" for DH's family but that did not go over, she's not the leader of the siblings. But she DID plant the seed, and a few years later the tradition was given up. I also think it's weird that your parents don't cut you slack. We are the age of your parents and DH and I would be glad to NOT get presents from our kids. Lovely family Christmas experiences can be had by all without gift giving, and it is too bad that when you mother wails "but it is Christmas!" she can't think of anything besides gifting to celebrate it.
You can use the "love language" stuff but really, it's about sharing values. You don't share the values of your family and you can't change that and probably you won't experience a "real" connection for any sustained period, harsh as that may be to contemplate.
iris lily
11-14-11, 11:18pm
...
what do you get a 1 yr old who has more furniture than you do? more toys than you can count? I simply have no idea. But it can't be merino wool clothing because my sister is allergic. :D hmm.
for me, the 1 year old would be the easiest. You get him a board book. A kiwi title that he won't already have.
Zoe, it's true that some people are allergic to wool. I am allergic to even 1% wool, so I have to read the tag in every garment I buy.
sweetana3
11-15-11, 6:52am
Zoebird, perhaps if you saw their actions as a form of control? They are controlling you and your family with their demands and exclusion.
But if all it takes is some presents and the cost is not affecting your family, well maybe? Then again, it would be wise to keep a constant eye on whether the relationship you want is anything they can provide. Some families are not close, supportive, welcoming, etc. Or find the relative that is what you want and work on that relationship.
lizii -- i believe that people are allergic to wool. the issue is, my sister will tell me she is allergic to wool while wearing a wool sweater. she likes drama and will do whatever to create it. The typical scenario is i give object, everyone says "ooh, nice object you chose for your sister" and sensing that i'm getting approval, she'll come up with "but my doctor said i'm allergic" or "this gives me trouble!" in a shaming, how dare you tone, and then everyone disapproves -- oh, it's wool, yes, well, how didn't you know that your sister is suddenly, magically allergic to wool?
I made a gift for her son that was made from a combination of alpaca and angora fiber -- no wool -- and it was a hanging object, so not like anyone would touch it. And she screams at me via Skype when everyone was complimenting it "DON"T YOU REALIZE I"M ALLERGIC TO ALL ANIMAL FUR AND DANDER!" she has two cats and two dogs living in her home. it can't be that bad, and it's not like the alpaca-angora fiber art is going to "tip the scales' against her allergies. So then everyone goes "right, didn't you realize that?" and I'm like "well, we grew up with a cat and she never had this problem, and she has two cats and two dogs, and apparently doesn't have this problem, but my fiber art for her baby creates tis problem?"
No doubt, if i send a card book, she'll suddenly have a medical issue with books, cardboard, the ink, words, or something else. But, there are a number of books here that everyone loves (kiwi books), so i will send that -- thanks for the suggestion. The Wonky Donkey even comes with a song/CD, so that might be a good one.
it's hard to explain the dynamic, but my parents need to indulge my sister's every whim, and my sister gets the most indulgence when she has a "medical" reason for her whims and dramas.
i do have a very close aunt, and she's noticed that my family seems very different now than 5-10 years ago, and that my sister and my parents have gotten closer (or more intertwined), and that my aunt and i are more 'on the outs' or difficult for them to understand.
i know that my family loves and cares about me -- and they are coming here for christmas (my parents) which i found shocking because they hate to travel and i never expected them to come. But, i'm very nervous about their coming because the trip. I'm hoping not to end up with a lot of criticism because i know my lifestyle isn't "perfect" yet (i have goals too!), but we are really happy with it overall.
likewise, my secondary fear is that my sister will intercept them again. Last christmas, i worked hard to get our Skype set up for a christmas chat (while on the road, at 7 am, so that we could make our ferry by 9 for our trip), and they were no-shows because my sister created a drama and they had to go and rescue her.
I will be interested to see if my sister has herself hospitalized before they leave so that they can't come and have to say and take care of my nephew. And, if she does, whether or not my parents will travel or go to my sister's aid.
flowerseverywhere
11-15-11, 5:43pm
A Christmas call with a sister screaming at you after you tried to send a nice gift. And you still trying to find the perfect gift for her. And your parents might cancel their plans to see you.
I am interested if anyone has anything to say that would be helpful after this post, I sure don't.
this is what is normal in my world. :)
and seriously, i know my parents are earnest, they just have a very different relationship to/with my sister.
treehugger
11-15-11, 6:13pm
and seriously, i know my parents are earnest, they just have a very different relationship to/with my sister.
These issues are clearly way beyond the search for the perfect present. I know that you know this. But it's up to you; you can continue to stress about this every year and then have poor results anyway, or you can decide to quit the games and at least not have to keep worrying about what presents to buy and send.
I think most parents, whether they admit it or not, have different relationships with their different children. Not saying it's necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. Of course, sometimes it does truly suck. And that's when, as adults, we have to learn to shrug it off, ignore it, or whatever we need to do to get on with our lives. I think you may be at this point. You can't fix this situation, but you can work towards keeping it from constantly hurting you.
I have 4 parents and 6 siblings, and my parents all love all of their other kids more than they love me. Now, I'm not saying I am completely blameless, but it hurts anyway, still, today, at the age of 37. But it's on me now to get over it. My parents are who they are. They aren't going to change, so I need to. Easier said than done? Hell yeah. I am a work in progress.
Best of luck to you, seriously.
Kara
after some contemplation on the matter, these familial issues are secondary actually.
i think the main issue is about the pressure around the holiday and what it requires.
first off, i actually like giving gifts. it really is a joy. when i find something that i think someone will like, unless it's well out of my budget, i will buy it and give it to them! So, it's not as if giving gifts is a big issue in and of itself.
second, i am sometimes disappointed/upset that i can't afford to buy the things that I would like to buy for people. today, I saw a really beautiful piece of art that I know my mother would love. BUT, at $250, it's out of my price range.
so, the real issue is not the gift, or even the price point to an extent, but really the fact that the situation is "enforced."
If it was January 9th and i found a gift and bought it and sent it, it would be well received. no worries there. if i happened to find something on Dec 9, and it happened to be around christmas, no problem.
the real issue is when i have to *shop* around christmas, looking for items to fit the bill, such that i really feel like i'm just buying something for the sake of buying something, rather than serendipitously finding something and thinking to get it for someone. And, I don't care for shopping, as it is, so it's not exactly how i want to spend a good deal of time and some money.
I think i get pent up and frustrated about that, because it just seems like a big, big waste.
And, the whole disapproval, guilt trip, whatever stuff. . . that's really all secondary. It's sort of the way of life. i'm used to it really. BUT, i think it gets compounded for me when i have to be "put out" by both shopping and buying something for the sake of buying it AND it gets disapproved, as opposed to buying something serendipitously, and then it gets disapproved.
btw, i did pick up my nephew's gift -- and decided because what i found was on sale, i'd keep a set for next year. so this year it's a set of three books; and next year a set of three books. if i keep on the book/music theme, we'll be in decent shape. oddly, i hadn't thought of it, which is silly. LOL
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