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what lessons have you learned about acceptance. I think this is one of the hardest lessons in my life, but when I look back I can clearly see that fighting against the inevitable has always been futile and made life difficult.
How is it that some people accept more than others? Do you think it has to do with the illusion of control?
Anyhow, just thinking out loud. Feel free to join the conversation.
puglogic
11-23-11, 12:30am
Acceptance comes hard to a control freak like me. It is a constant, constant work in progress, because the illusion of controlling my environment is what gives me a feeling of safety (I come from a very abusive, substance-abusing family of origin)
If you haven't had the unfortunate life experience of being profoundly violated, I think acceptance might be an easier thing to learn, but still very hard imho. It's really a survival mechanism we're all wired with: Exert control over life's circumstances and you may survive; just let it all flow and whatever happens happens? You're saber-toothed tiger bait.
So it's something I have to work at, and probably always will. But strangely, it is a joyful practice for me to work at this, and big spiritual "YES" comes through whenever I release and let go.
happystuff
11-23-11, 7:10am
Going at this from a different perspective - I think "acceptance" (or non-acceptance) is an emotional response. An event happens... period. Once that event happens it cannot be change... it is history. Whether we "accept"... or maybe actually it is how we accept the results of the event - seems more an emotional response to me.
The best example I can think of is my son's death. He is dead. Whether I "accept" his death or not does not change the fact that he is dead. The emotional act of acceptance can send my life down one path, while the emotional act of non-acceptance can send my life down another path. Not making the determination of which is better/worse, just that the act of acceptance or non-acceptance leads to different paths.
Not sure if any of that made sense! I hope so. :-)
With the perfectionist type of personality, I have had a hard time 'accepting' as well. I flog myself mentally if something does not turn out the way I had hoped - very tiring.
Recently in preparation for seeing the Metopera about Ghandi, I read The Bhagavad Gita in a really good translation by Eknath Easwaran. The teacher/mentor tells his student that he must do his best but leave the results to God. That really resonated with me. (Really disliked the opera, BTW, which is hard for me as I love opera usually)
I have over the past couple of years developed the saying that "Life Happens!" and am using it a lot lately, it seems, to cope with the changes that occur without my consent or knowledge.
I remember years ago a dear friend gave me a pen that had the Serenity Prayer about changing what you can, accepting what you cannot change and being wise enough to know the difference.
The best coping mechanism for me though is simple gratitude for the simplest things each day.
Oh happystuff... :o(
I'm pretty slow to accept a lot of stuff, but maybe I'm getting better. I tell myself to let it go, just let it go. Later I remind myself that sometimes you have to 'choose' to be happy...and sometimes you have to fake it for a while.
these are good stories.
How did you become more accepting. I see simple gratitude as one suggestion. Any more?
I think there is some sense about control being a guide for those of us who haven't felt safe in the world. I would like to talk more about this if anyone would like to add something.
leslieann
11-23-11, 1:07pm
I loved what you said, Razz, about changes that happened without your consent or knowledge. I wish the world would check with me on just about everything! My need for control manifests in a need for knowledge; I HAVE to know what is going on or I feel very anxious. This comes from a background like pug's. But it is my practice to confront myself in that anxiety. I can see myself and say, yes, there I go again, feeling like I HAVE TO KNOW but in fact, I don't have to know. All I actually must do is to breathe and I don't have to think about that to do it. In fact, I can decide not to do it and my body will do it for me.
So perhaps a focus on breathing as the bottom line is another suggestion. I also use the gratitude practice, and shifting gears by being mindfully present to whatever is here, now, in my sensory awareness.
I also reframe my thinking quite a bit. If I find myself using all or nothing language in my thoughts, or catastrophizing, (example: It must be the way I want it to be or it will be Just Terrible) I remind myself of what I am doing, and I can say "I wish...." things were so and so. That helps me to make the movement to "but they aren't and I can figure out how to live with it ....or maybe I don't yet know how to live with it but I can breathe, and notice my feet on the ground, and then breathe again, and that's all I really have to do...."
So those are some things. But acceptance isn't an all or nothing either. I see it as process and practice, cognitive and emotional, to get to where you are clear that you have 1) done all that you can do to change things, 2) that you have made your position clear to yourself and anyone else that is relevant, and 3) that you are no longer letting that person, situation, or event be a primary focus of your energy or constriction to your life.
Hmmm, seems like it is a bit dangerous to let me start talking. Seems like a long post....
no this is good. Anyone else? Techniques that you have tried or struggled with are welcome.
Happystuff, you must be far stronger then you ever thought you could be. :(
Acceptance, I am far better at it now that I am 50. I could stare at a wall with large black printing and not see or accept what I knew was the truth. NO NO NO or Excuse after Excuse, but all done for love and the right reasons. Then one day not so long ago (6 weeks ago) with a son in ICU from an OD, I accepted so many things that night. I will now acceptt things I can not control. I will accept I (oh here is a big eye opener) I can not change the world or a person. I am more at peace today when I remind myself of this.
oh ctg what a way to have your eyes opened. Enough stress and lack on control can do it, though, can't it. Hoping your son is doing well. Thanks for your wise words.
Yes better thank you, each day is a better day.
leslieann
11-23-11, 6:41pm
Wow, ctg492, a powerful lesson. thank you for telling about it.
loosechickens
11-23-11, 11:57pm
Sometimes I think of it, less as "acceptance" and more as "recognizing the reality". The reality is what it is....the loved one is dead or not dead, the facts are what they are about anything in life. Our only saving grace is that we have the ability to decided how we will frame our thoughts about that reality, or on what parts of that reality we will choose to focus. The reality does not change. Only how we see that reality changes. Good OR bad. Or a recognition that "good" and "bad" are in and of themselves only words that we choose to label realities, not the realities themselves.
Where we usually get hung up is that we have expectations for what reality SHOULD be, but reality is reality, and is what it is, regardless of our wishes and expectations about it. So the first step in what most would call acceptance really is learning to give up our internal stories, our expectations, of how we think any given thing SHOULD be. Once we do that, we're able to look at what is actually there in reality, notice it, observe it, but recognize that the "Is-ness" of it just IS, so the only road or path within our control is our mental pictures, stories, expectations or lack thereof about that reality.
Much harder to do than to talk about.....but it works. And when you can practice it, however faultily, it's amazing how much less stress is contained in your life. And how much more peaceful you are inside. Quite worth the effort to practice developing. I've been at it for about 35 years now, and in some areas have gotten quite good at it, and in others, not so much.......lots more work to do.
so the ISness. That is a cool idea. What is, IS.
Trying to control the universe is such a hard job, yet so many of us have tried to sign up for it.
I am not very good at this acceptance stuff, but I DO believe that now I see it I have started on the first step.
More stories and ideas welcome.
The older I get the better I am with acceptance. Sometimes I look back and wonder how much easier my life would have been in my 20s and 30s if I "fell in" or surrendered to my life rather than struggled with what was.
I like Yoda's wise words - Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.
Sometimes just practicing acceptances is such a struggle so what I do is just not try. I put the situation out of my mind and don't accept or not accept it.
Going at this from a different perspective - I think "acceptance" (or non-acceptance) is an emotional response. An event happens... period. Once that event happens it cannot be change... it is history. Whether we "accept"... or maybe actually it is how we accept the results of the event - seems more an emotional response to me.
The best example I can think of is my son's death. He is dead. Whether I "accept" his death or not does not change the fact that he is dead. The emotional act of acceptance can send my life down one path, while the emotional act of non-acceptance can send my life down another path. Not making the determination of which is better/worse, just that the act of acceptance or non-acceptance leads to different paths.
Not sure if any of that made sense! I hope so. :-)
happystuff, I think you are a very brave woman (and mother) to have been able to deal with the death of your child so well.
To lose a child you love and have brought up is something I know would devastate me. Bravo, you have my admiration.
This thread reminds me of an old quote from Amy Carmichael...."In acceptance lieth peace".
what lessons have you learned about acceptance. I think this is one of the hardest lessons in my life, but when I look back I can clearly see that fighting against the inevitable has always been futile and made life difficult.
How is it that some people accept more than others? Do you think it has to do with the illusion of control?
Anyhow, just thinking out loud. Feel free to join the conversation.
My experience is that acceptance is easy. It is not an act of the courageous, a sign of strength, work, or the result of will power and/or diversions.
The effort required in non-acceptance is enormous, in fact it's an heroic attempt at making unreality real and ignoring the balanced harmony of what is.
The difference between someone who is "accepting" and not, is perspective, not some kind of hard won spiritual power. If I broaden my view and see there is a man behind the curtain, I'm not mesmerized with fear. Often that means questioning the existence of the specters of life: death, evil, bad, wrong, terrorist etc.
I've learned that acceptance is as simple as someone offering a cup of coffee and it is taken. In reality everything is accepted, everything is "yes". If I say "no" to the offer of a coffee, I accept the "no" that arises in me and accept that the coffee needs to go elsewhere.
Resistance is born of illusion because it only exists as a condition of mind. If one contrives to accept anything there is resistance to resistance. A spoken "yes" (internally or externally) doesn't mean there is acceptance. One's actions and way of being is what demonstrates acceptance.
If one doesn't take it in, the coffee (being the metaphor for everything that is "rejected"), a full embracing, the coffee gets cold, it has to be held, it can spill: we're it's slave. We think we're slaves to reality, death and the like, but we're slaves to the myth of reality: the past and present appearing as thoughts, words, pictures, and beliefs; all expressions of reality, not reality itself. Notice! Was there a thought that says I can't be a slave or shouldn't be a slave? Therein is the beginning of the lie that I'd be better if I could let go and accept.
Death.
My mother apparently died last year. She had developed some dementia about five years ago which seemed to increase from the effects of an emergency operation on an arterial ulcer.
For the last couple years before she "died" she could barely put a sentence together. My mother was very articulate ten years ago. She looked very different twenty-five years ago. She was very energetic thirty-five years ago as well as the above differences. Her mind and body were dramatically different fifty years ago.
As a matter of fact every atom in her body changed every two or three years. There was nothing physical or mental that was unlike a whirlpool. She was in fact a process (as we all are). There never was the mother that I created. She was just a sweet dream as she is now, a feature of a kaleidoscopic, infinite universe. Her physical form is continuing to do what it always did: change shape and not disappear.
I think I posted on this board before that the feeling to cry began to emerge in me and then passed me by like a morning breeze (mourning?) never to return. If it does, I'll be surprised and intensely curious.
The paradox and good news is that the expression that was my mother is not separate from the expressor of that. As Alan Watts has said the personality is like music, as soon as it is played it vanishes. Can there be a "played" without "player"?
Before I called my brother he believed his mother was alive and he was fine. When he heard the "myth" of death from my phone call he believed that instead and was not fine and as far as I know is still not...well that's one way of seeing it.
So my mother's apparent death had nothing to do with his sadness. She was dead for ten minutes before he moved to resistance. The reality was death and the mythology was "alive" and that was "good".
I still resist and once it is seen, it is over until next time. That is what moves in me and then moves out. It's the journey home.
No steps, no journey. No journey, no homecoming. No homecoming, no leaving. No leaving....you know the rest.
Thanks xmac for your perspective. Where did you learn all this stuff?
I am not so good at acceptance myself, but I did have a therapist who spoke about the Tao every now and then. And about a stream flowing. That when it encountered rocks, it just went over them or around them, did not try to fight them.
It's very difficult. Sometimes I tell myself I've accepted something, and then a week later I'm fighting w/myself about it all over again.
It's a work in progress.
Good topic... Having been involved in Al-Anon for many years, I've said the Serenity Prayer more than afew times, and acceptance was an issue grappled with constantly. Acceptance is not passive, it's not acquiescence or resignation; it's a spiritual decision to let go and detach from things you can't control. It's like a living out of one of my favorite songs, Let It Be.
It takes practice for sure! I have particular authors I like to read when I'm having a hard time--my favorite Buddhist authors, or Richard Rohr, or Byron Katie. Byron Katie actually has a framework, "The Work" that gets you from point A to point B in acceptance. If you really need help with acceptance, read "Loving What Is."
Living in the moment and mindfulness training is a way to accept. Here's an example: my husband smokes these nasty little cigars, and he has other health habits that are not so healthy. My parents both died due to bad livestyle shoices. Sometimes I freak out a little, worrying about my DH's health, and also getting angry at those cigars! Now, I can encourage him to go more frequently to the doctor, and I can tell him I don't want him smoking around me, but that's the extent of it.
When I start on the negative line of thought and take precious moments away from my life by occupying my mind with something that's not real (his getting sick), I calmly meditate, watch those feelings, recognize them for what they are and then kind of blow them away as if they were feathers on my hand.
Then I look at my mental "now" box. Over time, I've learned to clearly see three boxes in my head: A "past" box, a "future" box and a "now" box. I just grey out the other two boxes in my head and put myself into the now box and I'm no longer in those other boxes that, as Xmac said, aren't really there!
As you can see I do a lot of visualization, but that helps me!
happystuff
12-1-11, 7:37am
I had actually lost track of this thread. Wonderful continuing discussion.
Thank you for all the kind words. I don't feel brave or strong and there are days that I definitely am not - even with the passage of time.
Time, while it hasn't healed, has allowed me to learn how to live with changes - including death - I think/hope. As someone else mentioned, I agree, I think it is a continual process and we, ourselves, change that process even as we are changed by it. (hope that makes sense!).
I am waking up this morning waiting to find out if my father is still sleeping or gone, so this whole discussion of "acceptance", etc. is once again very pertinent in my life.
Thanks xmac for your perspective. Where did you learn all this stuff?
There's a great quote by Benjamin Franklin: Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember, involve me and I learn. So, I was told and taught by many people including Byron Katie and Alan Watts. And I never learned anything until I experienced inner wisdom which is of no good to anyone else. It's just a distraction or delaying of self knowledge. For me, that distraction was cool for a while and then it wasn't enough.
Wonderful thread for me right now...thanks for your words Xmac
Also, ctg492 and Happystuff your thoughts on accepting lost are very meaningful to me, as I try to figuere out how
to do this. It has only been less then a month since I lost my husband so I do know it will more time, it really does feel
like a rollercoaster ride of emotions right now.
oh danna, hugs from me too. A big warm, all enveloping hug from Canada.
oh danna, hugs from me too. A big warm, all enveloping hug from Canada.
and another one from Canada.
happystuff
12-3-11, 7:42am
danna, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.
Yossarian
12-3-11, 10:14am
The reality does not change. Only how we see that reality changes.
Reminds of of the cow parable:
Imagine you are circling a crowded parking lot when, just as you spot a space, another driver races ahead and takes it. Easy to imagine the rage. But now imagine that instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into that parking space and settled down. The anger dissolves into bemusement. What really changed? You—your perspective.
Either way you can't park there. But when you take your ego conflict out of the equation, it is just a situation you deal with and move on.
loosechickens
12-3-11, 3:01pm
Exactly, East River Guide.....exactly. Our egos and our expectations of "how things SHOULD be" trip us up pretty regularly. And since ALL our emotions and feelings are created by ourselves in our minds as expectations and/or reactions to that "how it should be", we have within us the power to change them.
We often can't change the reality, but just a shift in perspective, like seeing the cow in the parking place, makes everything different. Although the reality of a non-available parking space remains.
Nice visualization.........
Wonderful thread for me right now...thanks for your words Xmac
You're so welcome. Words are a good start and I know that feeling of gratitude.
I had meant to respond to this thread, but December was such a busy month for me and I didn't get to it. But I wanted to throw something out there from my own experience.
I think that those of us with difficult childhoods have a harder than normal time with acceptance and letting go. And I think it's because growing up we needed to manipulate our perception of reality in order to feel safe - or safer. We got so good at it, but then it's hard to let it go.
And even as adults, oftentimes we might have a situation in which we are still not perceiving reality clearly because we are protecting ourselves from a truth that might feel too painful to deal with. There might be something that still needs to be dealt with - and oftentimes that something comes as a surprise. The fact that you are bothered by your difficulty with acceptance means that you are ready, or almost ready, to deal with that issue. It's actually a really good sign!
And I will say that as painful as mucking through issues is, the reward is phenomenal. It is so liberating to not be fighting reality! We don't realize how much energy it takes to do so.
I learned how to accept things that were out of my control last fall. It was hard to realize I could not make everything all better. It actually was a life altering, pivotal point in my life. I wish I had learned acceptance years ago, but I guess that is why we get wiser as we get older :)
I am glad to see this thread again; I have read it over and have a feeling of ...something.....peacefulness? that comes of knowing all of you are out there grappling with life in the best way that you can, and struggling to let go (or not let go) and that somehow we keep on. Okay, I know I am not going to be able to articulate what I am experiencing but within me there is some gratitude around the wise words here, and the knowledge that we are all out there on the plain of possibility, watching our own resistance and just dealing in the best way that we can.
I have been told that pain is inevitable but that suffering is optional. I keep hearing that line over and over in my head, as some sort of reminder about the nature of life and the effect of resistance. I know that I lack the clear seeing that can help me to just experience pain without wallowing in suffering. And yet I am struggling with the notion of trying not to resist....because there we are in the middle of striving again. Striving to avoid suffering but striving to avoid resistance...I get all caught up in the concepts and lose the openness.
Anyway, these are good conversations to have and I appreciate the honesty and the struggles that we share. I wish I could remember that I can't make things all better, or even a little better. I have a great understanding of it in the abstract but when it comes to my children or my work, actual practical applications of this understanding, I fall short.
ctg, I am glad that you bumped this thread, because i missed it.
I think that death of a loved one would be about the hardest thing on earth to accept and that depends on the circumstances (such as a long, painful illness). My condolences for your losses.
In my case, acceptance has become so much easier as I grow older. When I was young, I was a perfectionist and very rigid. It was a life of misery. Now that I have grandchildren, I have to accept that my children will think for themselves and not the way "I" want them to even tho I can see problems down the road. Also, as I experience health problems and have to accept that there are things I cannot do, I also have to accept the way others do them for me. Very hard.
It is also difficult to accept the death of dreams and plans when I face the fact that they weren't real or realistic.
Heck, I am having a hard time realizing that I have been with you guys for over 10 years now and a lot of things, including getting close to 60 years old, have just, well, happened. I didn't give them permission!
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