View Full Version : Unanswered prayers
2011 had been a horrible year for me. My hamstring tendon tore from my sit bone when I was running. Two days later I had emergency surgery for a detached retina. Within a few months I had a cervical herniated disk, followed by surgery for skin cancer. I am 58 years old.
The hamstring injury was the worst, and I am still dealing with it. It is extremely painful to sit, and I am just beginning to be able to walk without a limp. It's been 10 months and no end in sight.
I had to retire a few months ago because I could not do my job, which required sitting at a computer. My employer was very kind and gave me a standing computer, but my legs and back ached from standing. I ended up having to kneel at my desk until my knees gave out.
I am still wracked with pain from the cervical disk problem, chronic back problems and the tendonitis. I can't take anything stronger than ibuprophen because of the side effects. I am going through physical therapy and just want to get better, but it's not happening.
My medical bills have been astronomical and there is still no end in sight. I am broke and broken in spirit.
I have been praying ceaslessly for healing but feel I am being ignored. I no longer feel God's presence. In fact, I feel like he despises me. I know there are others who have it much worse, yet I cannot shake the feeling that I have been abandoned.
I have led what I thought was a good, moral life. I have taken care of myself - plenty of excercise, good nutrition. I do not understand.
I have talked with my pastor, have been on prayer lists at church - nothing. I express gratitude for my blessings - still nothing.
I have pretty much been alone all these months because I cannot do anything that requires sitting. No dinners out, no movies, no travelling.
I am desparate - do prayers really work or am I wasting my time.
Any help please?
Molly, what are you looking for? If I look at the Universe (cause I don't believe in God) then stating what you suffer makes you suffer even more, it's the law of attraction.
Turn it around: are you broke, then pray or focus on having a healthy financial household and you will get it. Are you suffering physically? Accept that you had surgery and that healing and pain take their time. And again: by turning your thoughts into what you really want -which is a healthy body without pain- your healing won't be a constant focus on pain and bad times but on that 100% functioning of your body.
I know what you are going through, I've been there.
Hi, Molly. It sounds like you have been through a lot of pretty darn serious health problems with some consequences that feel overwhelming. And when you look at the balance sheet, where you line up what you've done, how you have lived your life, and the problems you are having, you see unfairness. And then you pray and ask for help but you don't get what you want and that is frustrating. I can understand how you'd be furious at the powers of the universe, if you believe that there is someone or something who could make things better for you and he/she/it just doesn't do it.
I am wondering, though, if even in the mess that you describe, if there is any light at all, any thing that is a bit brighter than the rest? Is there any place where you can just touch on gratitude, even if for only a second? Is there any place where you can feel space, and light and a bit of peace, perhaps when your mind stops running? If you can find those moments, even if they are just nanoseconds, then you can start to focus on your healing. Looking at the positive isn't going to take away the negative (I wish that it could!) but it will give you a bit of peace, which then lets you find more positive. You are suffering because of your health and the consequences of that, but you are suffering more because of what you are thinking about all of that. It isn't ignoring reality to try to find a bit of light and positive thinking. It is finding a space for yourself to have peace right now, not having to wait until you are better.
Sending you a virtual hug and please know I'll light a candle for you in the morning. (((((Molly))))). Hope this doesn't come off too PollyAnna-ish; it is only my experience that finding a positive place to stand helps me to function, whereas staying in the hurt, angry, frustrated space makes me feel worse. I offer it in the hope that it may be helpful.
Hi Molly....I am sorry to hear that you have been all of this is such a short time. Try not to be so hard on yourself....healing takes time and lots of patience. Instead of looking at all that you cannot do...focus on what you are able to do better than 6 months ago or even yesterday. Do your physical therapy exercises at home, take hot baths, get a nice massage.
Be thankful....gratitude always makes a big difference.
As for God, I think he/she is looking out for you....you can see and the cancer was taken out....that is amazing :)
Molly I am so sorry to hear all that you have had to endure. Sometimes it is easy to wonder if our struggles are known to our Heavenly Father? Are we just the pebble in the sea of millions of people with problems? The Bible tells us not even a sparrow falls to the ground with out him noticing (obviously in my own words!).
For me I try to draw upon the strength of others to endure my personal struggles. The way the Savior led his own life is one such an example.
Locally in one of our congregations is the parents of Brooke Wilberger who was kidnapped and murdered. Her mother was a pillar of strength and example to me. I think when extremely difficult times are put in our path - we may not see them go away but we are given the strength to endure them. Their family strongly prayed and fasted for her safe return. It wasn't to be.
Another I found strength from is Stephanie Nielson http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/stephanie-nielson-intro-120609.html
Dear Molly - I am thinking of you. I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I don't think you are wasting your time in prayer. Thank you for sharing your feelings of darkness with us, I hope it helped to get some of it out of you.
Can you get in the water? I feel a tremendous feeling of freedom in the water. It magically takes me to another place and makes me feel whole.
If you have an area YMCA talk with the membership director there. My family was going through a hard time a couple of yrs. ago that was related to unemployment and we got a discounted rate -- going to the pool at the Y saved my sanity.
(((Molly))) All I can say is that I don't believe your prayers are in vain, even if they aren't being answered in the way or with the speed you are hoping for. I will add my prayers to yours for healing. All the best!
Thank you for your replies and support.
Shortly after I posted this thread, something happened to my left arm and I cannot move it without extreme pain. I either pulled a muscle or it's the pinched nerve in my neck. My doctor is out of town and I cannot see him until next week.
It's one thing after another - like some kind of cruel joke. Last year I was running, biking, hiking, and now I can't even do something like sit comfortably, or now, even move an arm.
I've thought seriously about the law of attraction. Am I really attracting this to myself? How could I have attracted a detached retina,slipped disc or cancer? I tend to be very hard on myself and blame myself a lot for things that happen anyway, so the thought that I have atracted this to myself is frightening. I have spiraled so far down, that I am having a hard time seeing the positive, although I know it exists.
I will make a list of the positive and post it where I can see it every day. Maybe that will help me start to climb out of this downward spiral.
I am in the process of shopping for a rosary. I haven't prayed the rosary since I was a child, but I do remember it giving me peace and comfort. I realize there is nothing miraculous in the beads themselves, but it is nice to have something tangible to hold and see.
I am not giving up on God although it feels like He has given up on me. I am reminded of Job and know that his story ended well. Perhaps mine will too.
Thank you for your prayers and support. God bless you all.
I don't think the law of attraction applies in this case. Quite honestly, I find that law rather suspect and hideously unjust to people who through no fault of their own end up in horrible circumstances only to be told that they attracted it. The hardest part of suffering is when it doesn't make sense, when it isn't deserved nor a reaping of actions sown.
From a Christian perspective, suffering is a result of this being a fallen, sinful world. No one gets out of here without some measure of hardship. Everyone is vulnerable, there is often no rhyme or reason. Our only protection is the redemptive grace of God who may not keep us from suffering but will grant us the ability to endure it.
Having said that, I can only sympathize as I've never had this particular burden to bear. But may I encourage you to embrace whatever lessons this time in your life can teach you. The only thing worse than suffering is suffering wasted.
I've heard the argument of the Law of Attraction in matters of health (like cancer, tragic accident) and it just doesn't jive with me.
Now, if a person is living in a way that leads to bad health (smoking resulting in lung cancer) -- that's cause and effect.
The human condition is difficult. Life is hard. And the world can be cruel.
And the converse is equally true at times....
The human condition can be joyous. Some things in life can come easily. And the world can be a happy place.
And then other times...
it's just a crap shoot.
Maybe in addition to praying for healing add a prayer for endurance to handle the burdens that have besieged you ????
Although I am not Catholic, I went to a Catholic school as a child --- when I am in really deep doo, the Hail Mary rolls off my tongue in multiples and brings me great peace too.
Molly, first of all, oh my goodness! It has been a big year of losses for you. Losing physical capacity is huge. I am so, so sorry you're in pain and feeling sad and discouraged. Do you have family or friendship support? People who love you daily?
I would highly recommend a support group for those dealing with chronic pain, as those of us who live with chronic pain understand...
From the perspective of Buddhism, suffering is a basic part of human life. It is inevitable, and unavoidable. the manner in which one views suffering is a fundamental part of the practice of Buddhism. May I recommend the book Full Catastrophe Living, by Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn? He is a MD who also uses meditation & awareness strategies for those who have been living with chronic pain, and have found help in no other way. It's an amazing book.
Gentle hugs from rainy, grey Seattle.
I think the idea that humans are either favored by God--or are essentially God's goats--came in with Calvin. Surely the notion that you earn a happy life by "doing all the right things" has caused untold misery for those who feel they kept their end of the bargain to no avail and it's insulting to those of us who aren't perfect, as well.
I saw a button on Etsy that struck a chord with me:
"Life is a battle. But whatever, I'm scrappy."
I've adopted its message.
Mtnlaurel's advice about gathering strength to deal with your challenges seems apt to me--with or without God's help. I think the rosary is a good idea too, as a tool for clearing and focusing your mind.
I've thought seriously about the law of attraction. Am I really attracting this to myself? How could I have attracted a detached retina,slipped disc or cancer? I tend to be very hard on myself and blame myself a lot for things that happen anyway, so the thought that I have atracted this to myself is frightening.
You are not to blame for what has happened to you. There is much in life that we can't control, although few people want to believe that. Along with Anne Lee and mtnlaurel, I don't buy the "Law" of Attraction for a minute. It isn't a Christian concept, it's Pop Psych.
This is a fallen world, and it seems to be falling faster and faster the older I get. Recently I've been reading a lot about prescription drugs and the long-term damage that's done. We've been raised to respect and trust our doctors, but it seems they often do more harm than good. Genetically modified foods are making for health havoc in unforeseen ways. We have pollution and global warming, none of which is getting any better. Much of this is due to plain old garden variety greed. Please be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend who's going through these problems.
I've never suffered as you have, but in 2003 I got a serious back injury while working in a nursing home. I was terrified I'd never walk again and was in constant pain. At that time, I had much the same problem with God and prayer as you're now having.
My back did eventually get better with Physical Therapy and those nine months off from my job were among the best of my life. My therapist wanted me to work part time so as not to get out of the habit of working, so I did some volunteer work at a local church-run food pantry, shopped thrift stores and library sales, and ended up with the best desk job I've ever had. I just retired from it in September with a nice pension and great health insurance. There were plenty of problems along the way, but all in all I came out of it better off than I would have been working in a nursing home until my body gave out.
God's timing is not our timing. I try to keep in mind this passage from Isaiah 55:
8 “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."
I will be praying for you.
Thank you Anne Lee, Jane, Jemima, and Mtnlaurel for your comments on the Law of Attraction. They were a great comfort to me.
And thank you all for your comments on the human condition. It does put things into perspective. I certainly have not suffered my whole life. I've had good times and bad. Joyous times and sad. Times of good health and illness. I guess to everything there is a season.
I will pray for both healing and endurance.
Thank you everyone, for your kindness.
I agree with the posts about us living in a fallen world. Our bodies are just dust and easily broken, we've been in the process of dying since our cells first joined together.
God never promised a life pain-free. Scripture says "in all things give thanks" (1 Thessalonians 5:18) even the rough things. I know someone who fell, broke her neck and is paralyzed from the waist down. She says she's thankful, that now she has a lot more time to pray for others. Personally, I recently tore something in my right knee while bowling and every time I say or think 'ouch' (because it's still painful to walk on and wakes me up at night and is yet again preventing me from walking/running) I'm praying for my cousin, Steven, who lost his whole right leg 2 weeks ago due to diabetes. Sometimes we just have to change our perspective.
And not being as spiritual a soul as many of you, when I'm vexed by an ache or a pain or a worry I just ask the Universe to forward it to Dick Cheney...:devil:
And not being as spiritual a soul as many of you, when I'm vexed by an ache or a pain or a worry I just ask the Universe to forward it to Dick Cheney...:devil:
oh thats bad - very bad - Miss JaneV2.0!!
I wish I could point out what you are overlooking that would actively help you. But I don't have the answer you want to find.
I've really not seen the kind of success from prayer that pop Christianity preaches should happen. I think that might be a misinterpretation of the Bible, which I am re-reading to confirm or disconfirm this concept..
I really don't see that much support for that kind of prayer control in the Bible. Perhaps the strongest examples show up in Psalms which cover a large range of human emotion. I suspect the New Testament examples apply more to anointed apostles rather than flock members.
I think the Serenity prayer format may be a more effective approach. It lowers the expectations for miracles, and focuses attention more on mental solutions. If you check out the Alcoholics Anonymous literature, you might see that gist.
The Bible book that resonates the most with me is Ecclesiastes, so you can see that I don't have high expectations of miraculous interventions in my life.
(((Molly))) I have no answers. I am about the same age as you and have also gone thru some medical things that changed me. I used to be very physically fit etc, now I just can't do it. It is hard to deal with the pain, the loneliness and the change in body image.
My Bible study is doing Daniel(3) right now. This weeks lesson was on the 3 getting thrown into the firy furnace. When the king told them they would either bow down to his idol or get thrown into the furnace. They said they wouldn't bow down and one of three things would happen, 1) Their God would rescue them, 2) their God would be in the furnace with them 0r 3) they would die and go to be with their God. They said whatever the outcome they served their God. Their outcome was #1 Their God rescued them. I think my answer is #2 He is there with me. Sorta like the two sets of footprints poem
Mid life is a rough time, especially for women who confront menopause, aging and dying relatives, and their own declining health and professional marketability along with whatever else life has in store. Getting old in general seems like a dirty trick--not much of a reward for a life well-lived. Congratulations, you're irrelevant!
All I can suggest is to redirect your thoughts to what you can do and enjoy and support your physical and emotional health in whichever ways work best for you. Marinating in your own misery is seductive, but it's rarely useful for the long haul.
I am so sorry to hear about your challenges and pain, Molly. Even after years of studying theology, I still don't have a solid explanation of why good people suffer, other than that our world is very complex, and suffering can find its way to anyone. It's probably one of the reasons that Rabbi Kushner's book When Bad Things Happen to Good People still resonates with so many. I do not believe that you 'attracted' these difficulties, or that I attracted the difficult year I have had. The one blessing I have found in my own 'desert times' is that it tends to force us to slow down, to reassess, to re-visit old questions, to again intentially seek the holy. And somehow, the seeking itself, even without receiving the answers we desire from prayer, brings us closer to our true self and to God.
I have an old friend from seminary, from 'the South,' who used to say "God is not a bellhop!" Used to crack me up, but the phrase still reminds me that we don't always get the answer we seek, in the timeframe we want it. That said, I truly believe God can handle anything you throw God's way - feelings of anger, disappointment, frustration, and doubt. Even in your daily pain and anguish, God can be doing amazing things within.
Keep coming here for support. There are wise and caring people here, and your own experiences and reflections will teach and bless us on our journey.
"God is not a bellhop!" .
EarthSky, it's possible that I will now remember this for the rest of my life. Thanks for sharing it!! :D
Earthsky - Yes, I can relate to the slowing down part. A friend of mine suggested I use this time as a retreat, and I am catching up on a lot of spiritual reading.
Thank you for your support. There's lots of wisdom in what you said.
2011 had been a horrible year for me. My hamstring tendon tore from my sit bone when I was running. Two days later I had emergency surgery for a detached retina. Within a few months I had a cervical herniated disk, followed by surgery for skin cancer. I am 58 years old.
The hamstring injury was the worst, and I am still dealing with it. It is extremely painful to sit, and I am just beginning to be able to walk without a limp. It's been 10 months and no end in sight.
I had to retire a few months ago because I could not do my job, which required sitting at a computer. My employer was very kind and gave me a standing computer, but my legs and back ached from standing. I ended up having to kneel at my desk until my knees gave out.
I am still wracked with pain from the cervical disk problem, chronic back problems and the tendonitis. I can't take anything stronger than ibuprophen because of the side effects. I am going through physical therapy and just want to get better, but it's not happening.
My medical bills have been astronomical and there is still no end in sight. I am broke and broken in spirit.
I have been praying ceaslessly for healing but feel I am being ignored. I no longer feel God's presence. In fact, I feel like he despises me. I know there are others who have it much worse, yet I cannot shake the feeling that I have been abandoned.
I have led what I thought was a good, moral life. I have taken care of myself - plenty of excercise, good nutrition. I do not understand.
I have talked with my pastor, have been on prayer lists at church - nothing. I express gratitude for my blessings - still nothing.
I have pretty much been alone all these months because I cannot do anything that requires sitting. No dinners out, no movies, no travelling.
I am desparate - do prayers really work or am I wasting my time.
Any help please?
Hi Molly,
I've learned that when one focuses steady attention on an area of the body there is a measurable increase in blood flow. I tested this on my forearm which has a condition similar to carpal tunnel syndrome. Although I was not in harsh pain, I could feel movement and change as I stayed focused.
It seems as though the suffering part of pain is the psychological resistance to it. I've also experimented with the pain of a caffeine withdrawal headache. Instead of struggling against it, I developed a kind of curiosity for it. This is related to the sustained attention I referred to earlier. I was amazed at the result.
I felt the pain move and diminish relative to the amount of attention. When my intention was to get rid of the pain, it didn't work.
I agree with what Earthsky has said. I've recently seen that old age is a kind of last chance for one to be still and meditative just like pain. It is nature's insistence that we become self focused. If that opportunity is resisted we may experience greater pain. How does one generate the ability to surrender to pain completely? I don't know but I suppose it could be practiced with the lesser amounts of pain as I described above.
There are all kinds of ways to see pain differently. One may be that you will come out the other end of it with a great deal of compassion for others that suffer it. So much so that you could become a volunteer of some kind.
Here are some more ways to see it from Alan Watts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FnxyFd6oW0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17gPzfi_B1A&feature=related
Here is a poem that I came across recently that may be useful if you replace the word loneliness with pain.
My Eyes So Soft
Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly
let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
as few human or even divine ingredients can
Something missing in my heart tonight [relief?]
has made my eyes so soft
my voice so tender
my need of god
absolutely clear.
--Hafiz
This starts out very light heartedly but really gets deep into the issue of
suffering and pain later in the audio:
http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/070%20samples%20of%20the%20work%20Eron%20Santa%20F e.mp3
Lastly, I remember a monk once pointed out that much of physical pain comes from the belief or fear that it's not going to end or stop. That the mind projects into the future and without this and the labeling of the sensation as pain, there is no pain. This may be beyond the pale for some, especially for someone in chronic pain but it is more to be contemplated when there are moments of relief. There is no doubt, however, that pain is experienced in the mind and therefore is a creation of mind. I'm not suggesting that you think differently about it, I'm suggesting that opening to it, slowly, if you can find a way, may be a way of being or joining, that is transcendent.
"Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in this world."
Wildflower
1-10-12, 4:29am
Give it up totally and turn it over to God. I had to do this when I was struggling in the recovery process from a very difficult surgery. The thing was I was trying to "control" everything like I always tend to do. While I prayed for help from God - it didn't seem to be working, until the day I just gave it up to God and said do what you will with me. I was very angry at the time. From that point on I finally started getting better. It was a full year process, but I made tiny baby steps, all positively, and the horrible pain began to go away bit by bit. I had faced my anger with God and gave up the idea that I had any control over my body.
And I wanted to add, Molly, that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.
Give it up totally and turn it over to God. I had to do this when I was struggling in the recovery process from a very difficult surgery. The thing was I was trying to "control" everything like I always tend to do. While I prayed for help from God - it didn't seem to be working, until the day I just gave it up to God and said do what you will with me. I was very angry at the time. From that point on I finally started getting better. It was a full year process, but I made tiny baby steps, all positively, and the horrible pain began to go away bit by bit. I had faced my anger with God and gave up the idea that I had any control over my body.
And I wanted to add, Molly, that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.
Molly - I appreciate you bringing your current trials forward for us to contemplate. You have been on my mind a lot and in my prayers.
To ride Wildflowers coat tails on letting go...
Here is one of the few formal prayers that I say on a regular basis...
It's the Third Step Prayer in AA:
"God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen."
....With the difficulties not so much the actual what I am struggling with at that given moment, but my action/reaction toward those challenges.
I don't have experience with unpredictable chronic pain, but I totally get where xmac is coming from in terms of 2 natural childbirth experiences - the writing of Ina May Gaskin's and Riding the Waves of Pain vs. pushing back against the pain was key for me. Of course that was a semi-predictable circumstance to deal with and had a definable beginning and end ... and I knew it would end in a matter of hours vs. the unknowing of illness.
Molly, can you draw on your experience as an athlete/runner to get through these current trials?
Although I am not in shape now, I have trained for distance events in the past and using that mindset of The Zone has come in handy for me many times.
I just came across a book that's so good I'm reading it through again. It's called Joy at the End of the Tether, the inscrutable wisdom of Ecclesiastes by Douglas Wilson. The theme that runs throughout the book is that we humans, under the sun, cannot possibly know the mind of God.
domestic goddess
1-17-12, 11:55pm
Molly, I'm so sorry for all you have suffered lately. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, is it? And sometimes the answer to prayer is not what we wanted or expected, so we don't recognize it. You have been given the gift of endurance (I know it isn't what you want), and it may actually end up being better for you than rapid healing from all your problems. Once you have it, you get to keep it, even if you think you don't want it. Good health can be an iffier proposition. It seems to disappear rapidly and without rhyme or reason.
Remember that God is not your fairy godmother, and it is not His purpose to do your bidding. I so often wish I were the one in charge! But he has given me strength over the years that has been useful on more than one occasion.
As Mother Theresa said, "I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just sometimes wish He didn't trust me so much." I think we can all relate to that!
loosechickens
1-18-12, 3:59pm
Being a person without a belief in a deity, and with more of a Buddhist sense of "what is is what is", I find that I get the most peace from a belief in the cosmic randomness of being sprinkled with the cosmic pepper shaker instead of the cosmic salt one.
You haven't done anything wrong to "deserve" what has happened to you, and (to me) probably haven't been found wanting or being punished by a deity.
You're having a run of extremely bad luck in the department of physical injuries, pain, etc. You MAY be having a run of good luck in terms of weather, friends, good foods to eat, etc. but at the moment, you aren't able to focus on much other than all the pain and injuries. That is normal.
It's happened. You're dealing with it in the best way you can (if praying a rosary makes you feel calmer and more able to cope, then by no means ignore that as a way of helping). But if you can stop questioning "WHY?", and simply accept that runs of bad luck happen, to the good and the bad, to the holy and the reprobates, and sometimes just have to be endured until better times come, you can avoid a lot of the emotional pain that is probably hurting as much as the physical ones.
my heart goes out to you and I hope that things begin to turn around for you soon. If you CAN manage to focus on small things you can feel gratitude about, rather than focusing on all the ills, you WILL feel a little better, and PLEASE, try to stop thinking that it's something you did wrong, or that someone is displeased with you, or that you have somehow "attracted" these ills.
If praying brings calmness and peace, by all means, pray. It's not an avenue that I would do, but if it works, go for it. You probably CAN'T fix the physical pain and ills, but you CAN make the emotional pain much less by stopping any blame, either of yourself or of the god you believe in. Stuff happens. We live through it. Better times usually come. That's the truth.
hugs from the chicken....
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