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CathyA
1-27-12, 9:59pm
I have mentioned this before, but its hitting me really hard right now. I gave away about 5 bags of children's clothing today. I still have kept tons of sentimental pieces. But it seems like I make myself try to feel badly after I give them away.

Like today, after I left all the clothes at our local Caring Center, I started thinking about one particular shirt of my son's that I always liked. But I've been trying really hard to be rational about all this stuff. I have kept everything from both children for the entire time they grew up (now in their 20's). I just can't keep all this stuff anymore.
Anyhow........now I'm having a panic attack over that shirt. I don't understand why I do that. You'd think I was giving my children away, and not their clothes.
I could go back there and look for that shirt, but I'm not letting myself do it.
I'm ticked at myself for having this trait. It serves no purpose except to make me miserable.
I am proud of myself for sending so much of the stuff there. I thought I would be fine, but slowly throughout the day, I've talked myself into having a huge bout of separation anxiety over that shirt.
I know I'll get over it eventually, but I'll be miserable in the meantime. :(
Its not easy being me!!

iris lily
1-27-12, 10:37pm
I could just KICK myself. What a FREEKIN' idiot I am! I join you, Cathy.

I've given away my mom's stuff, my brother's stuff, old family stuff, my dad's stuff, my grandma's stuff, my other grandma's stuff, my Great-grandma's stuff--all with nary a twinge. While granted, some pieces take a little longer to let go of than others, I got through it all am freed from it.

But now, would you believe, I am obsessing over a damned ugly chair that I've had only for two months! Tonight I actually got teary eyed over it. It belonged to my friend Michael who moved away. It was his grandfather's chair. I got the chair form him when he moved because I asked if he had an old armchair that the dogs could sleep in and he offered this. Now that I'm going to finally buy furniture for our living room, I don't have room for a piece o crap chair. It is big and ugly and not something I can recover, I don't like the shape. But I can't let it go. He gave me other pieces of furniture over the years that, when they wore out due to dog damage, I tossed with no remorse.

This is nuts. I need medication.

I was going to post about this very thing earlier this week but I couldn't find the daily peeve thread.

iris lily
1-27-12, 10:44pm
Let me also add that I am, concurrently, figuring out what to do with another family heirloom, one I love but never use, a charming little wicker chair. I've kept it upstairs in the attic all of these years. It's darling. It was from the Masonic Hall in a small town in Iowa ans formed one of the points of Eastern Star (for those of you who know what that is.) I've got a 5 sided stand to go with it. My grandmother was part of that lodge.

I thought about donating it to the county history museum, or perhaps offering it to the national museum of Masonic history.

I'm not terrifically emotional about this, I just like the chair and hate to see it go to strangers. But perhaps I will, in the end, sell it at our fundraiser next summer. It won't go for much money.

lhamo
1-28-12, 2:20am
I've got a bag of the kids clothes in the entry way and I'm a little worried I'll have the same reaction. But part of the reason it is there is that I know that if I wait for DH to come home, it is NEVER going to get out of the house. He is much more of a packrat and WAAAAAY more sentimental than I am. If he doesn't see it going, he basically never notices it is gone. But to try to get stuff out the door while he is here is difficult.

Part of the reason I am avoiding dealing with the kids backlogged school/artwork is that I am afraid he will pitch a fit if he realizes I am throwing stuff out. But we've got STACKS and STACKS of their stuff, and he's scanned most of it already. I don't want to have the house gradually get filled up with tubs and tubs of stuff that we have to deal with in a panic someday if we need to move, etc.

Cathy, would it help if you gave yourself a little bit more leeway to keep stuff, at least for awhile? Say keep 3 pieces of clothing for each child -- or 10 to begin with if you need to? Or 1 for each size/year of age? At least that would still be cutting back some. Do that as a first level of decluttering. Then a year later go back to it and see if there are other pieces you could bear to part with. Better yet, if you know someone who quilts could you have them make a quilt or even just a quilted pillowcase or something with the clothes? Not everything is suitable, but that is one way to keep the memory but make it somethign you actually use.

Iris Lily, I think you should take a nice photo of Michael's ratty chair, put it in a pretty frame, and hang it on your beautiful newly painted walls. Put a little table under it with a candle on it, and it could be your shrine to doggy friends loved and lost. And giving the wicker chair and table to the Masons sounds like a great idea -- or just put the word out and see if there are any Masons or history buffs in your extended network who would appreciate it. I bet you'll find a good home for it pretty quickly.

I think decluttering takes more strength of will than physical strength/endurance. We do get attached to things, don't we?

lhamo

iris lily
1-28-12, 8:35am
Those a nice and funny ideas, Ilhamo! I like 'em.

CathyA
1-28-12, 9:03am
Thanks IL and lhamo,
I'm sort of feeling like things in general might be bothering me and I subconsciously pick some inanimate object to focus all my angst on. ?? You wouldn't believe how much stuff I still have of my kids............shoes, coats, even underwear!! So I'm really trying hard to pare it all down to the few most special things. But I guess I've convinced myself that that shirt of DS's I gave away is the most important thing. Its absolutely crazy.
I've personified/anthropomorphized this stuff and sometimes it really does feel like I'm giving away the kids, instead of their clothes.

You're right lhamo.......it does take alot of strength of will to part with these things. My DH, who is also a packrat, doesn't understand what a feat of courage this is for me. He doesn't even attempt it.
I have gotten in the habit of taking pictures of everything before I get rid of things, and that does help a bit.
I want to give this feeling about this shirt a little time to go away. But I worry that the longer I wait, the less likely it will still be at the Caring Center to go retrieve. This is nuts. Life is so much more than silly little material objects.
When I was little, I had these feelings too. I think it has to do with great loss as a child............or never having the support of one's caregivers and I turned to inanimate objects and made them things that I cared for and that cared for me. But now its just become an emotion that gives me alot of problems.

I'm hoping the more times I do this, the easier it will get. Hopefully. You just can't imagine all the stuff I've kept.
lhamo..........my DH is like yours. I can't even ask him about any of the stuff I need to get rid of because he would say "keep it all".

Iris Lily.........I think the picture idea of Michael's chair is a good one. Would that make it easier for you to give away? And like lhamo mentioned, if you have this much angst over what to do with the wicker chair, just leave it alone for awhile and maybe approach it later on.
Its funny, but even if I went and got this shirt that is causing me all this angst, it would end up in a box in a closet for another 20 years.
Maybe this knot in my stomach will ease up in a couple days.

razz
1-28-12, 9:37am
You obviously have not moved in some time.LOL
We moved 13 times in the first twelve years of our marriage for positive reasons and sorted things out as we went along.
Can you imagine yourself moving to an apartment andchoosing what and how to keep to help you decide? What about approaching the challenge differently?

We have seen too many friends whose parents have died leaving an awful mess for their family to clean up (in attics, basement, outside shed, garage) so we keep reducing what we have on hand to protect our kids from having to do this. Almost invariably, those same kids wondered why, in heavens name, their parents hung onto all this old junk that they now have to pay and work to clean up. Will your kids wonder why you are keeping stuff, Cathy? Will you leave a burden for them to clean up? Does that approach help?

Aqua Blue
1-28-12, 9:48am
Ihave a similar problem when I have a garage sale. Right after I get incredibly sad. Sad for the things that were bought and sad for the things that I once thought were valuable enough to bring into my life and are now not valuable enough to anyone for them to buy them. Now I am really trying not to buy anything unless it is really really needed, so Idon't have to have anymore garage sales.

I also have that problem when I drop things off at good will but it seems worse with gS.

mtnlaurel
1-28-12, 9:51am
CathyA - The greatest gift my grandmother ever gave me was that she was a perpetual 'Drawer Cleaner'
She kept an immaculate home and was always paring down.

You would call her up and ask, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Her response, "Oh, just cleaning out a few drawers."

A lot of her care fell to me and all the hard work she did making the tough decisions on her things made it so much easier on me as her health declined.
She had things boiled down to the things that REALLY meant something to her by the time we had to help her move to assisted living.

And we kept chipping away - hearing stories about the different pieces and what their connection were to different things in her life.

It was a great and wonderful gift she gave us to be able to focus on her care and spending meaningful time with her vs. the overwhelming nature of piles of unknown baloney to handle.

By the time she passed, we had all of her possessions with whom she intended, stories relayed. And on the day of her passing there was just a bag of second-rate clothes to get rid of. It totally brought home to me, Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

And with digital photography these days, it's so easy to take pictures of things and make a photo book of them. Or you could just take a scrap of the material and put it in the memory book, rather than keeping the whole shirt.
The key here is that you MAKE the memory book - I have a ton of little items waiting to be pulled together meaningfully!

Good on you for tackling all these huge projects and staying on top of the feelings it unearths!

pinkytoe
1-28-12, 10:16am
I had similar difficulties when going through my grown children's clothing and books from long ago. In the end, I did what I had done with my parent's possessions and kept just one "memory box" for each. When we move, I will hand over the memory boxes to her and she can do what she wants with them. After dealing with so many dead relatives' stuff, one of my goals in life is to leave this planet like mtlaurel's grandmother. It is absolutely grueling to go through your parent's stuff so think about your kids when you pare down.

Rosemary
1-28-12, 10:32am
I find it easier to give special outgrown children's clothing to friends whom I know will use and appreciate it.

rose
1-28-12, 10:48am
mtnlaurel,
I want to be like your grandmother but I have a long ways to go. My mother has lived in the same house 58 years and she has the basement and the rooms crammed with old stuff, most of it useless. We dread facing it but she won't get rid of anything, even plastic butter dishes that she's re-using but really never re-uses. I don't want to hang on to useless stuff. I'm not very sentimental. I'd like to have a couple of cardboard boxes of my stuff when I die. I keep a lot of paper....working on that too.

On the positive side I've moved from a 2000 sq foot house with garage and basement to 1100 sq ft apt and now in 700 sq ft condo. Perfectly happy with the space I have and the stuff I've dropped along the way.

CathyA
1-28-12, 11:01am
Thanks everyone,

Actually, I AM motivated by having cleaned out my mother's condo a couple years ago, after she went to a nursing home. It was disgusting. but.....it was easier than cleaning my own stuff out because I wasn't attached to her stuff. But the good thing it gave me was knowing I didn't want to do the same thing to my kids. I have gotten rid of soooooooo much stuff in the past 5 years. It made me feel really good. And finding that mouse in some of this stuff has helped even more (I mentioned this on another post). I'm tired of drowning in this stuff........even if it is nicely kept in boxes in closets and the attic and basement. I want some empty drawers and closets you can actually walk into! Its just that my angst about separating from this stuff has directed itself into that particular shirt of my son's. I'm glad that I know myself well enough to give it a few days and know that the angst will fade away. (hopefully). But in the meantime, it sure makes me crazy.
I was thinking about it (feeling like I really NEED that shirt) and its like an addiction. At the moment of separation, you think you just HAVE to have it. But be strong and give yourself some time, and it becomes easier.
I guess some of us have genetics and upbringings that make alot of this stuff harder than it should be.
So.........while having angst about DS's shirt, I will continue to clean out. I still have a couple boxes of their stuff on the dining room table to go through.............shoes, winnie the pooh bed linens, toys..............
Be strong and carry on! :)

mtnlaurel
1-28-12, 11:24am
Be strong and carry on! :)

I put this up on my fridge and it has helped me tremendously lately....

I don't know why I can't post images, but it's the WW2 "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/keep-calm-and-carry-on

lhamo
1-28-12, 7:56pm
I think there probably is a genetic component to it, and also definitely links to early life experiences of loss and deprivation. My in-laws are HORRIBLE packrats. Funnily enough, one of the main things my DH tries to do every time he goes home is to get them to toss stuff out. For them it is definitely linked to earlier times when they had almost nothing -- similar to people who survived the depression, they can't bear to toss anything out because it might be useful some day. My DH got in an argument with his dad because he was going to toss out one empty cardboard container that used to hold tea. They have at least 10 other tea containers, but when DH put that one by the door to go out to the trash his dad said "Why are you getting rid of that -- it's still useful!"

This thread has been helpful in encouraging me to go through the kids art/school stuff today, though. After I finish stripping my cast iron pan...

Be strong and carry on, indeed!

lhamo

jania
1-29-12, 9:42am
Cathy, I would just like to ask what was your motivation in the first place for keeping all your children's clothing? I'm asking so that I can better understand, as I know other people like this.

When I was young any clothing I outgrew was given to friends of the family with children who could use the items or the clothing was given to a charity organization. My mother did keep a few sentimental things for herself (a couple of baby dresses) and I also kept those for several years but have since let them go.

CathyA
1-29-12, 10:37am
jania.............I wish I knew! Its just a need to keep things that were important to me at some time. The kids things seem to be equal to the kids! I don't like being this way, and constantly fight it.
Like I said earlier........giving away their clothes is like giving them away. We have no relatives who have children who could wear this stuff. That would make it a little easier. So I'm just giving alot of it to a local charity........which is still really hard. Sometimes the mind is hard to explain!!

Zoe Girl
1-29-12, 6:30pm
It is genetic, my dad will not keep a damn thing. I keep on getting rid of things that my mom brings because he makes her get rid of it. Meanwhile she has this pantry that makes me cringe, and the fridge. Food goes bad before they come close to eating it all. It is all very very clean, my dads influence is there, but really. How many bottles of condiments do 2 retired people need? My dads space in storage, super clean. Things marked on boxes and walls. And not very much of it at all. He has his 2 brands of shirts and his 10 pairs of pants. All good.

I drove my mom nuts by giving away white shirts to goodwill. I had 2 button long sleeved, 2 botton short sleeves, and a knit LS plus 2 knit SS (one dressy for a suit) when I was done. She was freaking, I had to show her how much clothes I had left. I only recently got my washer fixed and now I think I can cut down a couple more shirts.

I feel much better with my fridge, only ONE ketchup and ONE mustard, and ONE BBQ sauce and the pantry with empty spaces. When I had ****tail sauce too long I bought shrimp just so we could eat it. i got rid of 15 pounds of paperwork trash a month or so ago! Whew, now all my files fit into 3 file boxes, i am not sure if I can throw away old medical records or not. I just get stressed with stuff like 4 sets of sheets or excissive clothes. It really is genetic (both ways)

CathyA
1-29-12, 7:19pm
Its curious. DH's mother was a product of the depression and she kept everything. DH and his sister are hoarders, but his brother is the exact opposite. He gets rid of everything........even important, meaningful stuff.
I would like to have just a little bit of that.

catherine
1-30-12, 7:55am
I can so relate to this thread.

Cathy, Like you, it's hard to let go of some of the kids' clothes I've kept. They're hanging in the basement, so they don't take up a lot of room in our living spaces, and every now and then when I'm putting together a bag of stuff for the church I'll take down these few specific items, look at them, and then wind up hanging them up again!!

I think I'm getting closer to purging them however, because I emotionally I'm coming around to the idea of the joy of releasing them back to the Universe. I imagine one of the children from one of the poorer families that buy from the Church thrift shop actually wearing it, and I also visualize in my head the joy of this good find by their mother--in much the same way I was so joyful to find things at thrift stores that I needed but couldn't afford when the kids were young. When I do this visualization, it seems like a crime to not give them away.

Iris Lily: I had the same experience with a couch that was past its prime but it was comfy, and it was right next to the piano. When I would play the piano, my dog Laddie (now deceased) would stroll in, climb up on the couch, and lay his head on the arm right by the keys of the piano. He was the only one who liked to hear me play! (Of course, being a horrible player, it was great to have such a non-judgemental audience as well). When it was time to get rid of the couch I had real emotional resistance. Part of it was that it seemed a shame to just throw it out because its "bones" were good. It was one of those times when you say to yourself, "well, I could just reupholster it" and of course I would say that and it would never have happened.

As I've said in these posts before, my own mother, through a series of unfortunate events in her life, wound up dying with a bag of clothes that we gave to Goodwill, and a box of mementos that my brother has in his house. I would love to make my passing that easy for my kids, but I think it would take a natural disaster.

jania
1-30-12, 9:52am
Thanks for your honesty in this post Cathy. Sometimes we might understand things intellectually, but emotions can be stronger. If you continue to give things away I wish you the best in relaxing into it. You might consider giving yourself a break, getting a few things out at a time, perhaps it won't be as hurtful. And remember, no one is making you get rid of anything, it is your decision and you can stop at any time.

CathyA
1-30-12, 9:54am
catherine.......I like that......"releasing them back to the Universe"! I'm into mental imagery, and I really like that notion! Thinking that will help.

Well, I cried Uncle over the one shirt I was talking about and went back and got it. I took 3 bags of kids' stuff to the place at the same time, so I feel like I am making progress. Between today and last Friday, I've taken about 7 bags of stuff. But there always seems to be one item I have to grab out of the bags and bring home. Its a silly thing I do. I don't know why I do it. But I figure as long as I keep cleaning out......even though I have to bring one item back home, I'm still doing okay.
This cleaning out has really taken a toll on me emotionally...........but I'll get over it. On the flip side, its great to have more open spaces.