PDA

View Full Version : Tweens



pcooley
1-20-11, 11:29am
My daughter is no eleven. Things aren't getting ugly, but the fissures are beginning to show. We won't buy her a laptop or an iPad, and we refuse to have a television in our home. (We did buy her an iPod Touch for her birthday, though it went against the grain of my values, but she destroyed it in two months by putting it in her backpack with a water bottle whose top was not on correctly. "It was an accident," she is quick to point out, and that's true, but it was still a $230 accident).

This morning, while I was walking her to school, she said, "I hate the way you and Mom think, and I'm going to move out of the house as soon as I can."

Wow. That was harsh. I know I'm not supposed to let my feelings be hurt by the things my children say, but that hurt. I gave up being a monetarily profitable human being so I could be at home for my children. And it hasn't been easy, but I would like to think that my being at home has been helpful for my children's development and well worth the tighter budget.

Her bad mood also seems to stem from the fact that for the past week she has been extraordinarily tired. Every morning, she begs to stay home and sleep. She's not sick, so I'm guessing that it's just the onset of adolescence demanding more from her body. But I've become the heartless ogre that drags her out of bed every morning and makes her sleepwalk to school.

Do I have more of this to look forward to?

Stella
1-20-11, 11:53am
11 is a really hard age for girls. Really hard. You couldn't pay me to go back to being 11. The good news, though, is that you are in a unique position to make a difference here Paul. Dads have a lot of influence on girls even if girls frequently don't show it.

Spend time with her doing something you both enjoy, just the two of you. It's probably going to be a rocky few years for her and you. Don't take what she says too personally. She's working things out for herself. If the standard for whether or not you have been a good parent and have made a difference in your child's life depended on having your child's approval at age 11 I'm pretty sure almost all parents would be considered failures. :) It's not really that different from toddlerhood in a way. Tweens are in that scary ready-but-not-ready for something bigger stage. You probably didn't take it personally when she was two years old and had outbursts. This is similar. Tweens have competing needs to pull away and at the same time to know that they are safe and secure and you still love them. Having some dad and daughter time will help her to nagivate those rough waters a little better.

You've mentioned before that your daughter is in circus activities. I think that's great for a tween. Most of them have the need to successfully tackle something just a little bit dangerous to prove themselves. My nephew is working on acting. My friend's son is into BMX bike racing. It's healthy to give them something they can cut their teeth on. Encourage her efforts and praise her real successes.

iris lily
1-20-11, 11:57am
You are giving her valuable life lessons in your independant lifestyle. Myabe she will move out and become a spendthrift, maybe not, but she will have life skills that many people don't get from parents.

But all of that said, of course you've got to make sure that there are some fun activities and good gee-gaws for the kids. I'ts all about balance. You children are getting to the expensive age and I don't have good advice on specifics since I don't have kids, I just know that many people here wish their parents had good money managemant skills to teach.

Replacing a $230 electronic gadget isn't something I'd do immediately, that's for sure. That she has one at her age would be ok with me.

bae
1-20-11, 12:02pm
You are aware that an iPod Touch offers unmonitored access to the entire Internet anywhere there is a wifi hotspot?

It is in essence a pocket sized computer.

Hattie
1-20-11, 12:06pm
My Dad used to tell me that it just gets worse and worse until they are oh, 'bout 30 years old or so. :~) I would always say to him, "oh not with my wonderful kids. We have a good relationship and we won't have any of those problems". Unfortunately, rebelling is just a part of growing up and learning. We all go through it to some extent. It is important to lead a good example for her. Believe it or not, kids really notice what we do and how we live our lives.

Can you maybe make a deal with her to let her sleep as long as she wants on the weekends? Also make sure she goes to bed a bit earlier during the school week?

It is hard to keep those lines of communication open when they are getting to that age, but always try. You will be pleasantly surprised one day when she comes to talk to you out of the blue about some totally shocking subject - but you will know that she respected you enough to talk to you about it. *S*

With my kids, I hugged them lots (but not in front of their friends cuz they didn't like that too much *S*) and ALWAYS told them that I love them (something I still do today - whenever we finish a conversation on the phone I always end it with "I love you" and so do they *S*). Even my 6' 5" tough, rugby playing grown-up man/son tells me he loves me in front of his big, burly buddies - that always makes me smile.

You'll make it through this - hang in there. Geez according to my Dad you only have 19 years to go. :0!

pcooley
1-20-11, 12:13pm
Yes, on the iPod Touch. The idea was to give her a pocket-sized computer. It was also our compromise on the cell phone issue. With the textfree app, you can send and receives texts. I don't see any reason for her to have a cell phone, or to have the ability to send and receive texts wherever she is any time of day, but I felt it would be a good compromise to allow her to send and receive texts when she is at home in reach of the WiFi. Our not having cell phones is another thing she's completely disgusted about. All her friends have them of course. Who gives an elementary school child a cell phone? Particularly with all the concerns over cancer? I'll agree that the dangers of cell phones are debatable, (I'm not one of those people with an aluminum-foil lined baseball cap), but that's enough for me as a parent. Our having the wireless router in our home is another compromise on the radiation front, though I, personally, am not as concerned about WiFi signals as I am about cell phone signals.

It was a shame really, that the iPod Touch got doused, but our budget doesn't allow for frequent replacement of that type of thing.

I'm not too worried about her falling prey to online predators. She's pretty smart. (Though I won't allow her to have a Facebook account yet, and that's ANOTHER issue).

Mrs-M
1-20-11, 12:17pm
Don't take her words to harshly. (There will be more to come). :)

Bumps and dips and ruts in the road will be all in a day's drive for you over the course of the next few years, but with any luck things will smooth out and become more integrated with the ideals you and your wife have chosen to instill upon her.

Like everything with kids, stages and milestones mark passages of progression, be it learning, challenge through defiance, or just plain old living out the chemistry that comes about through the process of maturity and growing. It's all relevant to a child's development.

The best advice I can pass down to you is- "stay on her", and continue down the path you are going. Through seeing and living, your daughter will take notice of other kids around her and although she will have pangs for more of what a few of the other kids have or are given, she'll come around (full circle) and grow to realize and have an appreciation for the great parents she has. It will get better. :)

ApatheticNoMore
1-20-11, 12:39pm
Oh I'm a softie, I'd let her miss a day and sleep. :) If it really is adolescence demanding more of her body, she's just trying to actually listen to it. And she's probably suffering from a severe sleep deficit (because just the sleep she gets at night isn't reducing the tiredness). Sleep is where we can consolidate all the new input that comes in fast and furious and begin to string some sense out of the chaos that is our lives (our lives at 11 for sure), plus the physical repair function of it.

Yea well the iPods and so forth, I don't know it's a difficult struggle, social conformity is a strong want at that age, but the sleep is an actual physical need at any age.

redfox
1-20-11, 12:41pm
In answer to your question, yes, you do! That's because she will lash out at the people she MOST TRUSTS. She is expressing the most unbridled emotions because 1. her brain is still very, very young, and she doesn't yet have the self-control to stop it, and 2. that young brain is being flooded with hormones, which is confusing and frustrating.

Two recommendations: read the book The Female Brain, by Dr. Louann Brizendine. Her website: http://www.louannbrizendine.com/
And, remember these:
1) Think Long Term. Imagine that she is 35, and a parent. What & how do you want her to be & say to her children? She will learn these from you.
2) She is counting on you to be strong in your boundaries and your love, so that she can melt down in your presence and you won't cave, you will still love her, and you will assure her by your stances that she is safe, even and especially when she is in her most hellish behavior.
3) The job description of teens (which she is fast becoming) is to tear down the fences that parents have built (those are your family boundaries). The job description of the parents is to rebuild those fences. The relationship is paramount, and the work between you & her is the negotiation of where the fences get re-built.
4) NOTHING is as important as the relationship between you. Always, always reassure her that you love her, even if she shouts terrible things at you.
5) Get support and reassurance from your spouse or other family members that this is not a personal attack on you. Again, she will lash out at the strongest person, who she knows can handle it and still love her. YOU are that person right now. That means you're doing your job as a parent. A personal relationship will come later.

I well remember the day my step-daughter moved back home at 18 after trying out independence with her BF. One night, she came down, and in her wheedling, little-girl voice (which I detest), she asked if her BF could spend the night. We said no, that nothing had changed, and he was welcome to come for dinner, but no overnights. She flew into a fever pitched 13 year old style rage, and hurled many accusations at us. In a total moment of clarity, I was able to say this: 'Honey, I know you want to grow up and be on your own. It will happen, I promise. Hang in there.' It calmed her a bit, enough so that she simply stomped off and regained her equilibrium. It was a turning point for her.

Our adolescents are trying to grow up in a complex world. Hormones muddle their brains. Social demands confuse them. They rely on us and need us, and hate that this is true. We are their safety against which the hurl themselves, testing the solidity of the safety, and the permeability of the boundaries. We give them more and more room as they grow more and more able to handle it.

These years are precious, challenging, and irreplaceable. Just love her, love her, love her. You will do beautifully, even when it seems the most frustrating.

H-work
1-20-11, 12:42pm
I think the iTouch was a great compromise. I wouldn't replace it but provide her opportunities to raise and save the money to fix it (is that an option?) or replace it.

We live in an area without cell phone coverage, so that makes our cell phones pretty much car phones, as you have to travel 10 miles to get reception. So our clueless kids wouldn't think of asking for their own, at least until they start asking for cars! But I would never give them a cell phone because of the cancer risk. We have a sister-in-law and a good friend with brain tumors right now. Both are heavy cell phone users. Coincidence? I thought brain cancer was a rare disease but 2 in our small circle have it. Our brain is protected by the skull except in certain ares like the ear canal, which is exactly where you hold up the cell phone. Kids brains are still growing and developing, so a bigger risk in my opinion.

Dharma Bum
1-20-11, 12:47pm
You are aware that an iPod Touch offers unmonitored access to the entire Internet anywhere there is a wifi hotspot?

It is in essence a pocket sized computer.

And thus the recent point of dispute for us. I don't let the kids have computers in their rooms, so why would I let DD have a Touch?

Sorry about the dis from your daughter Paul, but I wouldn't let one tough day or even one period in life affect you too much. Just have to do what's right in the long run. And you can't control the outcome- you do the right thing just because it's the right thing.

iris lily
1-20-11, 1:04pm
What a great post, redfox! I also remember you saying earlier that your boundary of "no boyfriend stays here" to give your SD boyfriend free space to be herself is brill. I'm sure that young women feel responsible for their boyfriends, and that's just one more pressure and complexity that "the no boyfriend sleeps over" rule shields them from.

Kathy WI
1-20-11, 1:07pm
My son is 11 also. He would say he's "almost 12" as if some magical thing is going to happen when he's 12 and he'll be all grown up. He thinks he knows everything, and he's offended if we tell him anything he already knows, because he takes it as an insult ("I know, I'm not stupid!") It's really irritating sometimes, but it helps to remember that it's a normal stage, and remember how obnoxious I was at that age. Girls definitely go through different stuff than boys do at that age, so you'll have to accept that you just can't relate to how she feels sometimes.

As far as the TV, she probably feels out of the loop when her friends talk about the latest TV shows. My son lost his TV privileges for awhile and complained that he couldn't join the conversation when kids at school talked about the latest episode of iCarly or whatever. I don't know how you feel about compromising by letting her watch some shows online, but that could be an option. You could ask her to pick one or two shows that she really cares about watching, which beats hours of slack-jawed channel surfing in my opinion. You can also tell her that she can feel free to get a TV when she grows up, but right now it's your decision.

Reyes
1-20-11, 2:14pm
My children would be thrilled to live in a home with internet access, and wireless to boot:-) It might help her to meet some children who have less than she does in the way of electronics:-)

herbgeek
1-20-11, 2:43pm
I shudder when I think how horrible I was to my mother at that age, and all throughout my teens. While I actively and loudly complained about their strictness, inside I was mostly glad for it, as it kept me out of trouble without me having to look like the bad guy. I could just blame it on my parents. A lot of bad stuff in high school happened around 10:30-11:00, and I was able to say "I'm sorry, I have to be home by 11 or my parents will ground me.". It kept me away from drugs and alcohol, and driving around with people who were consuming them.

My mom was also exceptionally cheap, and while I complained about that and felt bad for not fitting in, it did teach me the value of money from having to work at a young age. It also hardened me to other's opinions, which made it easier to live outside the mainstream as an adult. Oh, but I hated it at the time. Just once, I wish I could have purchased an outfit that was "in style" in stead of last year's clothes on the sale rack in back.

You seem eminently reasonable with your own children. But kids being kids, they are going to push back and tell you everyone else is doing it or having it. That's just part of being that age. Just keep talking to her, and doing things with her, even when she seems not to be interested. She'll come around.

jennipurrr
1-20-11, 3:04pm
Seems like you have gotten some great wisdom. I don't have any kids but was a fairly mouthy and rebellious teen. Around age 13/14 I told my mother that she had wasted her life raising children and being a stay at home mom. Now as an adult I really think I would choose a similar path if I had kids.

My mom wrote down every mouthy, outlandish thing I said and saved them. Its embarrassing but pretty funny to read and remember now as an adult.

Bastelmutti
1-20-11, 4:51pm
You're probably right about the sleep issues, but if it continues, think about going to the doctor. I know a few teens who have had mono lately + my friend's daughter, who was overly tired due to a previously undetected infection. It could actually be a medical issue.

redfox
1-20-11, 7:21pm
Thanks, Iris. And just for the record, we had a 'no lovers of any kind overnight' policy for both our kids. For awhile my DSS identified as gay (he is now identifying as straight & swore me to secrecy regarding his having a hot pink boa in 8th grade), and his sis identifies as bisexual. We felt it important that their family home be just that. Having a lover sleep over is an adult privilege, and they needed to earn that by graduating from high school and either going to school full time, or working, AND having their own living situation. I am SO GLAD we stuck to our principles! They both have a good idea of how to set appropriate boundaries.

My DSD recently acknowledged this boundary and her acceptance that this was a good thing on behalf of her well-being. After she broke up with her BF, she 'got it'. Now that she is nearly 22 & in college, we'd probably allow her to sleep with her new (and much nicer!) BF if they decide to stay here for a visit. She essentially cohabits with him in their dorm.

Wildflower
1-22-11, 3:09am
Remember that it is ok for your DD to have her own opinion about how she is being raised. It is ok for her to disagree with you albeit respectfully. It's ok that she will want to live her life differently from what you value. Haven't we all been there? I didn't like what my parents valued in life and went the opposite direction of how I was raised when I grew up and got out on my own. She may want to do the same and that's ok.... Just continue to love her and do your best - that's all you can do.

Miss Cellane
1-22-11, 1:33pm
You're probably right about the sleep issues, but if it continues, think about going to the doctor. I know a few teens who have had mono lately + my friend's daughter, who was overly tired due to a previously undetected infection. It could actually be a medical issue.

I agree. I'd let her sleep in for an entire weekend to see if that helps. But if not, I'd run her by a doctor. At 11, I had mono. At 12, I was severely anemic. Both times the main symptom was severe fatigue. There can be something wrong without her being "sick" in the classic sense.