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frugalista
1-21-11, 4:21pm
*sigh.

As you all probably remember, I have three stepsons who have a, shall we say, difficult mother. Difficult mother filed for modified custody and physical placement about 9 months ago, at the end of the school year, based on, among other things, the boys' alleged statements that they did not want to return to our house because they didn't like the discipline dad was imposing. It turns out they did complain to their mother. The boys, at the time, were 10, 10, and 6. Almost one year later, the litigation is still ongoing. Since they are children, their minds have changed a million and one times since they had that conversation with their mother, but suffice it to say that difficult mother has milked this for all it is worth and has, in the process, dragged my husband through numerous "communication counseling" (read: marital therapy) appointments and meetings with a guardian ad litem that does not seem to get the toxic nature of the family dynamic.

This has impacted me and my household, and my marriage, in ways that are still shaking out somewhat, but the most significant, at least for me, is that I have stepped WAY back from my stepsons emotionally. Part of it is for my own personal boundaries: the kids have accused both mom and dad, at this point, of not so nice things, and I anticipate that I will be next if I do something that doesn't please them. Second, through this process I have become more aware of how manipulative they are in terms of avoiding consequences and playing their parents against each other. They are masters of triangulation (drawing a third person in to a dispute between them and one of the parents to create drama), and I don't like how their manipulation has affected me and my kids, and I don't want to be a part of that game anymore. Third, their mother is incredibly threatened by any sort of maternal behavior I exhibit, and I don't want to make the situation worse. Finally, I got really tired of how all the drama was draining my energy and leaving me with little or none for me and my children.

So I've stepped back, and of course my husband is not happy about that at all. He's asked me to try harder to "love" my stepsons. I do, of course, love my stepsons, but I'm having a really, REALLY hard time being as warm and affectionate toward them as I was before all this started. I'm not mean, at all, but I now am focused on myself and my kids more exclusively than I was before, and at this point I'm spending as little time as possible around them, because I know they can feel that I'm not where I used to be emotionally, but I'm not quite sure how, if I can at all, get back to where I was.

Any ideas? I'm stumped. And please, don't tell me to "suck it up" or that "they're just kids."

redfox
1-21-11, 8:38pm
My goodness, I so understand this... and this has nothing to do with the kids. It's a parenting & marital issue.

Please consider marriage counseling with a therapist who specializes in stepfamily issues. The biggest cause of divorce in remarried people are stepfamily issues. It is an investment in your marriage!

Your DH needs support for the load he is carrying - but not from you. And he needs to respect your boundaries while being kind and managing his feelings - but he needs to hear this from someone else, and someone who can coach him on how to do all this.

Fawn
1-21-11, 9:48pm
Ditto what redfox said.

Anyone who does not understand how triangulation works in a divorced family situation will fall victim to it again and again and again.

Unfortunately, you are not the person to present this information, it MUST be done by an impartial 3rd party.

Best of luck.

earthshepherd
1-22-11, 7:27am
(((frugalista)))
wow, been there, done that, bought that tee shirt as they say. I just have one stepchild, but she has caused enough trouble to equate at least 2 or 3! When she was 12 she begged Daddy (my husband) to let her move in with us because no one paid attention to her at home (a lie), so he launched an expensive court case that nearly buried us financially to sue her mom for custody. To make a long infuriating story short, his daughter changed her mind after Mommy bought her all sorts of cool new toys, and he lost the case.
For me, it was difficult on two fronts: first, I was so angry at SD for doing that to her dad (and really, to our whole family). Second, I didn't want that spoiled brat living with us anyway, so I felt not only relief when DH lost the case, but guilt because I felt that way. So it was just a big, huge, nasty mess, and yes, it was characterized by triangulation and "disneyland parents" and the whole works.
It's been ten years ago now, and things have settled down, but I also found that the best way for me to deal with my emotions was to step back a few steps and not invest so much emotionally in DH's daughter. Fortunately, DH understands that and does not criticize me for it.
My stance toward my SD is this: I love her because she is DH's daughter, and I love him. I have resolved to tell her the truth, to do what's right for her, and to be fair to her. I do NOT confide in her, trust her or expect anything from her.
That said, it is the singlemost difficult relationship of my life, and I feel for you. It's worth working all this out so that your DH understands and supports you, even if it takes some counseling to do so.
So here's some support! Hang in there and work at it!

sweetana3
1-22-11, 7:15pm
Earthshepherd, what a great post.

Tenngal
1-24-11, 8:11pm
I have 3 stepchildren and I disengaged from them because I could not take the stress. It was one uproar after another until they were young adults and now the youngest, who is 34 is still the subject of all of our serious arguements. He was always an undisciplined brat as a child, demanding attention any way he could get it. Always into trouble as a teenager and still demanding attention. Not much has changed. In all the Christmas seasons, birthdays, etc. he has never bought his father a present. Not that we expect much of anything, but it does show that he is a taker and never a giver. He roams around from each relative, or each woman for a place to live, sponging until they throw him out. I do not understand how a 34 yr old man can survive with no car, no place to live, or no permanent job. I think I can honestly say I hate him because of all the trouble he causes my husband and all the fights we've had because of him. He has tried to move in with us several times in the past few years and I always put my foot down and say no. He has years of drug use and the company and the trouble that goes along with it. It is my decision that he will not be in the same house with my daughter or me, I do think the very least we deserve is to feel "safe" at home. The very least you need to do is to set some boundaries, you also deserve some peace of mind. Don't suck it up, see the light, and realize that sometimes they turn into adults you don't want to know and probably won't want in your house.

redfox
1-24-11, 8:13pm
Please read the book Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin.

frugalista
1-24-11, 10:15pm
I have read her book many times -- it's on my nightstand -- and follow her blog. I just don't know how to work through all these feelings I have about a situation I cannot change. The kids will be who they will be as they grow; I give them about a 50 percent chance of turning out to be productive members of society. The difficult mother is who she is and she isn't changing, hasn't yet, at least. My husband is unable to see the forest for the trees, and I don't feel like my presence is helping anyone. Some days I just want to leave.

redfox
1-24-11, 10:50pm
O, frugalista, I SO UNDERSTAND. I planned many many leavings. What saved my bacon was when we got ourselves - due to my insistence & homework - to a family therapist who worked with stepfamilies. He would look us all in the eye and say "that's for you (looking at their father) to do/say, etc." And we had private sessions as well, without the kids. Even when it was incremental, it helped me so much to just say aloud to another adult how hard things were. My husband could hear it, too, in a supportive environment, not with me flipping out. Which I did plenty of.

Detachment is very hard to do. Detaching from the kids while staying attached to their father especially. And especially if you're his primary support system... if this is so, he won't find another until the role is empty. I am still amazed that my marriage has survived, and my child was already out of the home, so I had no child of my own to turn to.

Being a Stepmom is the hardest, unrelentingly hardest, most unrewarding role ever. But - it is a role, NOT your identity or your life. And you can step back into being your husband's wife, not a stepmom. The rest of the family will adapt if you do.

Lastly, is there a place you can go to when you want to leave? Sometimes leave-taking for a few days is in order, and deeply healing. I would highly recommend you find a friend who is out of town, and plan some getaway time. This is why we're frugal - so that when you NEED IT, some $$ is there to give you space. Take a bit, tank up your car, plan a 3 day weekend somewhere in a 2 hour distance, and go. Even if it means getting a B&B, just freakin' do it. Insanity is much more expensive.

And remember, everything is temporary.

Hugs Hugs Hugs

redfox
1-24-11, 10:52pm
PS - we always referred to the kid's mom as our third child... gallows humor at best...

Reyes
1-24-11, 11:00pm
A year long litigation is so difficult, financially and emotionally. It is not good for anyone involved, the parents, step-family, and the kids. While the kids' mom started the litigation, it takes two to keep it going. Any chance your DH will put down his side of the rope (the tug-a-war rope)? As to the children changing their minds, at 10 and 6, they should not have a say. Input perhaps, but not final say. It is unfortunate that they even know this is going on.

Take care of yourself. Take breaks if need be. And if you DH wants to continue the custody battle, let it be his thing. You can decide that litigation is not your path or your style. And of course, eat chocolate:-)

citrine
1-25-11, 11:41am
I definitely understand what you are going through! My bf has two teenage sons, one is amazing...the other is challenging and refuses to come over. The Ex has filed papers again because the eldest one wants to go to a $56K/year school and wants my bf to pay for half. We get through one drama to get pulled into another one.
The thing that helps us is that we both have our support groups to talk to, we try to infiltrate this mess with a lot of humor and date nights. I am respectful to the kids if they are respectful with me. I treat them fairly but have no problems standing up for myself regardless of what they think of me.
It's a tough road, but try to keep in perspective why you fell in love with the man....the rest is minor stuff....i know easier said than done! Take some time off for yourself!:)

frugalista
1-25-11, 1:33pm
*laughing. I think litigation is the worst thing ever for families . . . and I'm a lawyer. (maybe that's why it is so clear to me, though). It should be a last resort, not the first thing you do before even picking up the phone to discuss concerns with your ex.

I agree, the kids should have no say and no input, and yet . . . because BOTH parents are, I think, unreasonably attached to the kids, and the parents don't talk, but triangulate through the kids, this goes on and on. reyes, I think I am most frustrated with my DH because he cannot see that he could end it today . . . by saying "boys, you said this was what you wanted. have fun with your mom. you're always welcome here, as long as you follow our house rules, but I will not change the schedule further without your mom's agreement, so don't come to me asking to change the schedule" and let them LIVE THE CONSEQUENCES OF STIRRING UP THIS CRAP, it would STOP. I understand the part he plays in this all too well. I understand he is in pain, and that he loves his kids, but . . . my compassion muscle is fatigued.

you all are correct. I'm just sad about it. thanks for listening.

redfox
1-25-11, 3:36pm
Oh, hugs, Frugalista. I hope your DH finds the support he needs to love his kids enough to set limits and stop the triangulation. I hope you can choose whatever path makes the most sense for you. So, so, so much empathy here...

Reyes
1-25-11, 7:41pm
frugalista, I like how you said "my compassion muscle is fatigued." The situation you are in is so emotionally difficult and draining. Do you practice family law? Any chance the parents are willing to meet with a family mediator to try to come to an agreement over the parenting time, or are they committed to the court process?

citrine, is the 56k for college?

citrine
1-25-11, 8:20pm
Reyes...yes it is for college....it is also the same amount my bf makes a year!

Reyes
1-25-11, 9:40pm
Are courts ordering parents to pay such prices for college? Yikes!

In Oregon divorced parents are required to pay child support to their adult children as long as the adult child is under the age of 21 and attending college (or vocational school) no less than half-time.

frugalista
1-26-11, 12:01am
reyes, I don't do family law directly, but do some guardianship and protective placement work as well as some estate planning, and the dynamic is the same no matter how old the parents and children get. :)

the GAL gave the communication counselor a list of matters to address with the parents; they'll be starting on that this week at their next meeting. I don't know how effective it will be, but I do think difficult mother is now running out of money and what little patience she has, and threw a nice little hissy fit in front of the GAL at the last court hearing when it didn't wrap up immediately. it's really funny, she thought it would all be over at that hearing and she would get exactly what she wants. they're still in front of the commissioner, haven't even reached a "real" judge yet. a BIG part of the problem is that this woman is just not dwelling in reality with the rest of us adults.
I do think time is on my DH's side, as he is a wonderful person trying to deal with a seriously messed up situation.

*deep cleansing breath. my other issue is that the communication counselor (who, technically, has the "therapeautic relationship" with difficult mother) has requested meeting with ME. I have no problem with therapy per se, but I do have a problem with a therapist who doesn't understand stepfamily dynamics and who will allow this to become a bully pulpit for difficult mother. I informed my husband to tell the counselor I would meet with her on the condition that she (1) read Stepmonster and (2) be familiar with Karpman's drama triangle. He said she seemed surprised . . . and has not mentioned meeting with me again since I relayed that message.

DH and I will be meeting with a counselor we both trust very soon. I anticipate that will help a lot.

we shall see. in the meantime, I need to have more lunches with my girlfriends and take more hot baths, and go for more runs, and read more trashy novels. In the spring it will be biking weather and I'll be out and about even more. plus, I am losing weight (on purpose, not from stress!) and need to shop for new clothing.

this too shall pass. in the meantime, thank you for listening and lifting me up, brave and kind stepmothers.

CatsNK
1-26-11, 9:15am
((frugalista)) good luck with the counselor. That sounds like a good step for both of you. The children are pretty young - you have a lot of years ahead to deal with this stuff - as citrine mentioned - it can last up until they graduate from college. I hope you are able to get it sorted out to your satisfaction this time around but I'd hazard a guess that this problem is not going to go away permanently - it will keep rearing it's ugly head. I hope your DH can see how stressed you are and that you need support.

citrine - what you said resonates with me. My BF has a 22yo daughter. Although he wants us to be friends it isn't happening - we're from very different worlds. This kid went to an expensive school and while she was there spent $$ on things like eating out, manicures, a sorority, etc. My BF just got a raise and now makes $30K/year. The kid was spending (according to her mother) $39K/year at school. Although DBF paid child support the whole time now they are coming after him for 1/2 of the $120K bill the kid racked up at college. ?? He's 61yo. His only way to pay is by raiding his retirement accounts or working until he drops.

To top it off the kid hasn't bothered getting a job and is now fully supported by the mother, although she's not living at home. The whole situation is a mess and, unfortunately, in NYS parents can be held liable for a child's college costs in a divorce.

Anyway, this thread isn't about me - sorry for the thread drift. Just support for both of you and perhaps a look at what's ahead for you.

frugalista
1-26-11, 10:45am
it's not thread drift as I see it, it's "holy cow, we're all in this together!" that is soooooo helpful, to me at least.

this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last, I anticipate, that we will deal with difficult mother in this setting, but here's reality: the kids do grow up. after the age of 18 or graduation from HS, we are legally off the hook. for the older 2, that is in 7 years. my deepest sympathy to you guys, cats and citrine: omg, it is such an entitlement mentality run amok. what happened to working your way through school? parents don't owe their children the world: they owe them love, financial support until they are 18, and limits so that they don't grow up to sponge off others. (stepping off soapbox).

so the really tough part right THIS moment is helping my children (9 and 8). my kids are starting to see the unbalanced nature of their relationships with their stepbrothers. right now, the older boys are kind of drunk with power and are really rude to my kids, so my kids have sort of backed off, which causes the older boys to literally have tantrums about not getting exactly the kind of relationship they want with my kids. when this came up again yesterday with my kids, I basically told my kids that they should consider whether stepsons are behaving like good friends and family members, and that even though they are related by mom's marriage to stepdad, they don't have to love, or even like, stepbrothers if that's how they are feeling. but long story short, my kids aren't feeling that their relationship with their stepbrothers is a reciprocal one, and they are right. right now, my stepsons are only takers and not givers. I know some of it is tweendom, but some of it is just not understanding that if you treat people poorly, they will not want to be around you.

anyhoo, the counselor we are seeing has a good handle on the situation and I think he will be able to make it clear to DH where he must take a stand and how. as for myself, it has been a difficult transition from "stepmom" to "dad's wife" while "stepdad" continues to be the wonderful "stepdad" he has always been.

as always, thanks for listening. it's helpful just to feel heard.

Reyes
1-26-11, 6:21pm
reyes, I don't do family law directly, but do some guardianship and protective placement work as well as some estate planning, and the dynamic is the same no matter how old the parents and children get. :)

Oh yes, I do understand the family dynamics. I am a family mediator and do both parenting and probate mediation:-) By the way, I feel like I need to make a disclosure: I am not a step mom (I am the mom, my wife is the step mom:-)

frugalista
1-28-11, 5:19pm
reyes: what a great job you have! I did mediation training last December to do pro bono mediation at children's court; I haven't had much practice, but the pro bono program is just getting started. Mediation is absolutely the best dispute resolution mechanism out there, particularly where there are families. I'm curious: are you in private practice, or do you work through a non-profit or government agency? And do you have any follow-up with the people you help?

and: how does your wife feel about her role as stepmom?

eta: if the questions are too personal, please forgive.

Reyes
1-28-11, 7:24pm
frugalista, I am employed by the county as a mediator to mediate court-connected family (divorce and parenting) mediations. As to probate mediation, I contract with the law school and train law students in probate mediation. I meet with the students at the court house every week to mediate.

Although I hesitate to speak for someone else, I imagine DW would say that there are parts of being a step mom that she really enjoys and other parts that are difficult. She loves the kids very much and has been in their lives since they were 6 and 8 (they are now 12 and 15). Do they listen to her as well as they do to me? Nope. However, would they much rather have her be the driver in the kid car than me, you betcha. I think each role comes with unique rewards and frustrations. It can be helpful to remember when frustrated with the role (mom or step mom in our case) that each side has it upsides as well. I will say that DW and I both have a good cooperate co-parenting relationship with the kid's dad and his family, and I think that helps a great deal. Having ex-disputes and custody disputes would be horribly draining.