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razz
12-31-10, 6:09pm
Some families/siblings seem to have regular connections and really enjoy one another's company. Others do not.

What dynamics make families pull together from the beginning and what is missing if not?

General question that I have been thinking about querying for some time.
Any input?

Stella
12-31-10, 6:28pm
I'm close with my dad, who lives with me, and of course my kids and DH, but not so much to my mom and sister. It makes me sad, actually. I really wanted one of those close families.

My sister and I were divided by my parents when we were kids. I was the smart one and she was the pretty one, which only served to make her feel stupid and me feel ugly. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure neither of my parents liked me much when I was a kid. She was the golden child, which was actually a ton of pressure on her, and I was the odd one out. My mother has an alcohol problem and my dad had crippling bouts of depression. My mom and dad both took a lot of pride in my sister and used her, in a way, as a status symbol, valuable because of what she did instead of who she was. I hit 12 years old and disappeared until about my 28th birthday as far as they were concerned.

I got past that and want to be close to my sister, but she doesn't see family as a valuable thing as far as I can tell. She's wounded and wants to protect herself. I get that, but I wish it were different. She wants money, fame and material success and I have very different priorities. I wish her all the best, but it's hard for us to connect sometimes because we don't have that much in common.

My mom and I are working on rebuilding our relationship. I'm old enough now and distanced enough from the pain of the past to approach things differently now. I can see how much of her attitude towards me had nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with her own pain.

Tenngal
12-31-10, 6:30pm
we are divided by miles, one sister lives a few miles east of Atlanta, one near Scottsboro, Al. I am often troubled by the fact that we are not close and wish we were.

Kestra
12-31-10, 6:31pm
I think it depends whether you are friends with your family, or particular members of your family. IMO, being family is a different thing than being friends. You can be just family, friends and family, or just friends (for non-family members).

I am not close to most of my family as I have a very low need for friends and prefer minimal contact with people in general. I'm not friends with my siblings and lead a very different life than them (we are all very different). I have become more friends with my parents as I got older and do talk to my mother every week or two and my family every month or two.

So I think for me it's more an issue of not having or wanting friends in general, and just not having much in common with my adult siblings.

Mrs-M
12-31-10, 6:33pm
I've thought about this one a lot over the years. I have one sibling I do not associate with at all. Haven't in years, have no plans or intentions on ever starting. (My baby sister). I don't know exactly what went wrong between us (if anything at all) but there's nothing between us (her and I) or her and the rest of the family (sibling wise). She associates with mom and dad and that's it.

My take on families and closeness, it's either there and happens or it doesn't.

happy with less
12-31-10, 7:01pm
I have 3 sisters who live in Western Cda, I live in the east. Our distance has been separated by the years more than by the miles. I live in the east only because my children & grandkids are here. And now a separation is happening with one child due to her desire to keep up with the Jones', to have more, more, more. She married into a family that is extremely well-off and has been shunning me recently. Have to get to the bottom of that one. I agree with Mrs-M; closeness is there or it isn't.

KayLR
12-31-10, 7:23pm
Formerly known as Krichard here---Several dynamics affect my relationships with my family members.

1- My older sister and I were raised completely different from my younger two siblings due to a wide spacing between births. I think by the time the younger two came along, my parents were much older, less strict, and had fewer expectations. The younger brother and sister are ok together, but not terribly close. My older sister and I are very close. Neither of us can really tolerate the youngest. She is pretty self-centered, vain, immature. Has to be the center of attention. The brother is a good guy, just kind of a homebody who doesn't mix much. My older sister and I see and talk to each other frequently and do fun stuff together, like a couple weeks ago when we went to see Leon Russell together.

2- My Dad was the big adhesive in the family. He was the one who hosted get togethers and wanted everyone together and we wanted to be around him. My mom is kind of an introvert and Dad was the socializer. After he died, our family didn't get together at holidays anymore. My mom just wasn't interested, and some of us had moved further away, too.

Those two factors do not make for a close family. I get a lot of quizzical looks from some who ask about whether I'm seeing my family during the holidays and I say, "no," but, to be truthful, I don't care for the younger sister, and my brother is kind of a yawner. I have cousins who are closer to me than my younger siblings. I see them probably monthly for get togethers like a taco Thursday at a bar we all like, or thrift store shopping on occasion.

Stella
12-31-10, 7:26pm
I have thought about this a little more. I think the thread that runs through the families I know that are close is a sense of fun. They have fun together.

My friend Angie's family is the model I am aiming for with my kids someday. They have "family camp" every summer where all the siblings and cousins get together and rent a big campsite for everyone. They have silly, fun games with prizes, make up a Family Camp t-shirt and do all sorts of fun things. They have scrapbooking parties and a yearly cookie swap.

My friend's mom also has one of these families. In their case the sister's are all jokesters. They are truly hilarious. I love hanging out with them. They aren't quite as organized in their fun as Angie's family, but that is definitely the tie that binds them.

We have a group of friends I think is more like the family I wanted as a kid.

Anne Lee
12-31-10, 9:15pm
I'm closer to my brother who is older than me by 7 years. It's harder with my sister who is 5 years older. It doesn't help I live half a continent away. If I could do it all over again, I would work harder to keep up those relationships.

Anita
12-31-10, 10:49pm
I live in Canada and my siblings all live in the Netherlands (Holland)I havent been home in about 15 years and thats fine with me.I have one sister who also lives in Canada and we are very close.WE talk on the phone and have lunch at least once a month since she still works.wich prevent us from meeting more often,
Anita

rosarugosa
12-31-10, 11:05pm
Wow, I have one sister and I'm crazy about her. We've grown up to be the closest of friends. And I have warm affectionate feelings towards all my sibling-in-laws. Didn't realize how lucky I am!

Kestrel
12-31-10, 11:26pm
My families -- both maternal and paternal -- were close when I was young. We visited back and forth a lot even tho we lived three or fourl hours apart. I'm the youngest of four -- a sister five years older, another sister nine years older, and a brother, now deceased, who was ten years older. Once my siblings and I married and moved on, we were never close enough (or had money enough) to visit our relatives, so now I see my sisters maybe once a year, hardly know my cousins, and don't know my nieces and nephews at all. DH has one brother, 12 years younger, and they are not close either physically or emotionally.

I think Stella's right -- knowing how to have fun and knowing how to make fun are integral to keeping families together. Both our sons and their families live here and we do have fun with them (we go camping together), but not like I remember when I was a child. We have a lot of connection with people in our church (UU), many the same ages as our sons, and we have very satisfying times with them. DS#1 and his son are part of our church and we see them a lot more than DS#2 and family. DS#2's wife is very Christian, tho they don't attend church, and our UU church is of no interest to her, so we see less of them in that regard, but we get together casually fairly often (they have two kids). She grew up here and has lots of family and friends here so they interact with all of them a lot more often.

Sometimes I wish we were all closer.

Azure
1-1-11, 1:04am
I have 3 step-sisters & 2 bio-sisters. But to me/us - we are just sisters. We all get along great. I'm not sure why we never really had the step sibling drama. Maybe because my dad died & my step-fathers wife died so there was no "competition" or "loyalty" issues. Maybe because we were so young (ages 1-7) when our parents married. Maybe because we shared a bedroom for 6 years! Maybe it's because my parents wouldn't put up with it.

My youngest sister is the one I'm closest to though she lives in Chicago & I live in mid-Michigan. Our birthdays are 2 days apart. When we lived in that 2 bedroom house I'm the only one who would sleep in the same bed with her because she wet the bed. Our kids are the youngest of the neices & nephews & close in age. Plus I'm a SAHM so when she's having a bad day I'm the only one who is home to call & whine to. lol

For the past 5 or 6 years we have had a girls weekend get away every spring. I have good relationships with sisters & parents. We always have a nice time at family gatherings.

But I have to say that though I have good relationships with everyone I struggle with feeling like an outsider. My life is different than everyone elses. All of my sisters were working mothers. I've been a homemaker for 20 years. So when we get together they all talk about their jobs. And they had more money to go places & do things they could talk about. Plus with my daughter being disabled & not sleeping well I was exhausted most of the time. So it was hard for me to participate in things. They all call each other & do things together. I don't. Part of it is also that I am naturally kind of introverted & living with my dd has made me even more so. And sometimes I do feel resentful. My mom & dad live very near by and wonder why I don't come over more. I kind of think the road runs both ways. They knew what was going on in my life - they could have stopped by here too. DD has been in her group home for 1 1/2 years now & I'm beginning to feel better & am seeing how closed off I have become over the years. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it.

Ok, I'm done whining. Really I feel quite fortunate in my family.

ke3
1-1-11, 2:07am
Have you ever read Sartre's "No Exit" ? That.

Too close for comfort, or not close at all. I love my mother so much, and would like to spend time with her; but after her stroke, my siblings are hovering around all the time, and we all have to control the finances together. I can't imagine a more hellish arrangement, frankly. I can't avoid my siblings; but we have next to nothing in common.

I really like my sister in law a lot; and at times my actual sister and I have gotten along well. But when I got sick, and my parents helped me out, everyone saw the "help" part, and no one really acknowledged the "illness which destroyed my career and almost destroyed my marriage" part. Resentments flared up; and I haven't really figured out a way to live happily with the new dynamic.

I wish my family were different. Maybe I can figure out something this year. My kids are all quite different from each other. The oldest two boys were so, so close earlier, but now they're in their teens and go their separate ways. It's hard to see. I was so close to all my kids, before. (Uh, where's the sad face with tears sprouting out the sides??)

screamingflea
1-1-11, 5:02am
It depends on who you ask. My father and I have been estranged for three years, and I've pretty much lost that whole side of the family in a general drift as a result. On my mother's side we're all very close. We all moved to the same small town to be near each other, and we all hang out a lot. I feel very blessed to have them all in my life.

Over the last few months my father has made a few cautious forays toward reconciliation. I truly don't know what to think - he's sincere, but he has a poor track record on this sort of thing. I don't trust it. I'm responding but I have a bad feeling that it isn't going to end well. That is, however, a separate conversation.

Wildflower
1-1-11, 5:18am
I'm very close with my DH, DDs, and grandkids. My parents have passed and I didn't have that good of a relationship with them as they were both alcoholics. I detached from them I think when I was a child to spare myself the pain of feeling unloved. My sister is 8 years younger than me and we barely have any relationship at all. We stay in touch by email, but rarely see each other anymore. I think since we were both raised by disconnected parents that we have a hard time connecting with each other ourselves.....it makes me sad though, I would like to have a better relationship with her. She is bipolar and really hard for me to read. I have the utmost sympathy for her disease, but the more I try to be closer to her the more she pushes me away.....She is my only sibling, we don't have any other living relatives other then a few cousins that we don't communicate with either.

Stella
1-1-11, 8:42am
I just wanted to report, since it seemed like such a huge coicidence, that right after I finished posting on this thread the last time my dad came home and told me that he had just talked to my sister. She is visiting my mom and they were both really missing all of us. She wanted to know if we could videoconference with the whole family, kids, parents and everyone. He said she was really feeling down and missed feeling close to all of us. We videoconferenced for an hour and decided to make a weekly event of it. I just thought it was funny that this all happened right after talking to all of you about how much I wish we were closer. :)

Jill Sanders
1-1-11, 11:22am
I am pretty close to my two children, especially since their father was killed. My two grandchildren are very close with me. We have always been very close with my husband's family but a little conflict there at the moment. My mother in law is like my own mother. My nephews that live a country away from me are very close. But, my one brother is very distant. I don't know why. I keep trying to reach out to him and he is not unfriendly when we speak but he simply doesn't bother to see or talk to us. Even his sons. Guess it is just his personality type. Sure glad it isn't mine!

razz
1-1-11, 11:26am
Teleconferencing is a great idea! What is involved with doing this, Stella? How many computers were involved?

Thanks for the posts that have helped me realize that expectations quite often govern the level of concern. The idea of creating fun events is a really good one as well.

I remember doing research on the background for the story of Fiddler on the Roof and Marc Chagall's paintings. I discovered that rituals were an important part of making individuals feel included. It is a matter of finding rituals that give joy or comfort and are sustainable. Sometimes rituals need to be retired when they have gone past serving their purpose as well.

NancyAnne
1-1-11, 1:36pm
I live far away from my mom and brothers. I talk to my mom a lot (more since my father passed). I get along well with my brothers but we all have different personalities and interests. We talk a couple times a year. I call them on their birthdays etc.
When my dad was living I talked to him quite a bit by phone. I'm the one with the free spirit in the family and flew the coup when I was 18. I'm very close to my husband and kids. They have learned to tolerate me. :)

bagelgirl
1-1-11, 3:39pm
This has been a very interesting read. I grew up on the opposite side of the country from my parents' siblings, so there were no cousins, aunts, uncles or grandparents in my life. I greatly regretted this. It was in a time when people did not hop a flight to visit family. Long distance calls were so expensive they were almost never made.

However, I have a theory about family closeness that others may or may not agree with. From my experience women are primarily, not always, but primarily the ones interested in close family ties. All six of my parents' siblings were men, and in my mind, that didn't make for a lot of keeping in touch. I have two sons, and two stepsons and I find that I am the one who makes all of the contacts for family get togethers. Again, I realize some others have had different family experiences.

Also, there seems to be one, maybe two, people in a family that are willing to take the emotional risk and time to keep the family together. In my husband's family it was me and my MIL. When she passed I couldn't do it alone, not enough response.

Just my experience with family and closeness.

Float On
1-1-11, 3:43pm
I'm close to my parents even though they are 200 miles away. DH says we live 1200 miles from his family for a reason. I'm not close to my only sibling, a younger (by 2 years) brother. DH is close to 1 of 3 siblings (he is #3 in the age line).

Tradd
1-1-11, 4:22pm
I'm the eldest of two siblings, brother about two years younger. I've not seen him in more than 10 years or so. Doesn't really bother me. He and I *never* got along. I'm not close with my parents either. Dad was an alcoholic for many years, getting dry through AA after I left for college (so about 24 years ago). Never got along with parents, either. They were always super critical of anything I've done. Mind you, I was the overly responsible good kid. The only good thing they did for me was paying for college. I was the first one in the family to attend, let alone graduate. That's still the case.

My brother lives seven hours away from my parents with his family and I live six hours away. I've not seen my parents since 2002 (24 hour visit) and it's been 10 years since I saw them for a weekend. Thank goodness they hate the traffic in my city and so don't pop in like they do with my brother!

As for the extended family - I've lost touch with the many relatives on my mom's side when I moved three states away in 1996. I did like some of them, though. On dad's side - very, very blue collar. They didn't know what to do with me doing academically well in high school and actually harassed me about it at family gatherings. College? Boggles their mind. Seriously. I was glad when I graduated from high school and wasn't forced to go to holiday gatherings with them anymore. They were just awful.

Dad's relatives - They can't relate to me and I can't relate to them. We never really liked each other very much, so no problemo not seeing them at all.

I make my own family through close friends. It will certainly be interesting when I tell my new sweetie about the family! He already knows I don't go back very much at the holidays, but that's it. He's an only child, still close with his parents, but not many other relatives left alive.

Tradd
1-1-11, 4:36pm
I get a lot of quizzical looks from some who ask about whether I'm seeing my family during the holidays and I say, "no,"

Yep, me, too. Some folks think you *have* to associate with bio relatives, regardless of how they've treated you. Being the child of an alcoholic was just utter hell. Little physical abuse, aside from regular spanking of a kid (although when I was a freshman in high school, my dad tried to take a belt to me when he didn't like something I did. Me, 5'5, maybe 130 lbs, took on dad who was 6'2" 200lbs. I hit back - and HARD. He *never* tried to physically mess with me again). Plenty of verbal abuse, though - and that still happens. Drove me more into the books I was already very inclined to read. When I tell folks exactly why I don't associate with the parents, they often say, "Oh, it can't be that bad!" Uh, yes, it is, folks! Parents say one thing to other people - "Oh, we're so proud of her." But yet directly to me via email (or phone, before I got wise and don't talk to them anymore), - "Why would they want YOU as president?" when I told them I was elected prez of a local denominational association. Mom always told me I couldn't sing. Well, here I am, a very active and valued member of my parish's choir, and welcomed into the choir of other parishes in the area. Mom's reaction, "But you CAN'T sing!" Ah, yes, I can.

So, now, I just do whatever I want without telling the family anything about it. I've got gifts and skills that they denigrate, that are much appreciated by others. I'm a relatively happy, busy, responsible adult, active in my community, with an interest in intellectual things that everyone in the family puts down.

And people wonder why I don't see the parents. <rolls eyes>

Stella
1-1-11, 5:20pm
razz the teleconferencing was really easy. Dad and my sister both have mac laptops so we used ichat. My nephew is actually able to set it up by himself and he's nine years old. He and my dad also use facetime on their iphones for videoconferencing. I know other people with PCs that use Skype.

It's really fun to be able to see the other people we're talking to. The kids were showing each other their Christmas presents and Cheyenne and Auntie were discussing their current hairstyles. It added a different dimension to the conversation.

I'm starting to feel like there might be a breakthrough coming in family closeness with us. There's serious talk about travelling to see each other and maybe having my nephew stay with us for a couple of weeks this summer. We'll see how it pans out.

Glo
1-1-11, 6:51pm
My immediate family was always close;after our parents died, my brother and I continued to be very close. Until the last presidential election. Apparently he didn't like my politics, told me so, and cut off our relationship. I didn't much like his politics either, but so what? I have lots of friends and relatives that don't agree on various things, but we all get along. Thank God I still have a good relationship with my SIL, neices, and nephew.

DH and I are very close to our three sons and DIL. We moved to the community I grew up in 3 years ago and I have a lot of extended family here. We all get along well and see each other often. Last Thanksgiving we had 82 people at dinner; it was so fun!

Mighty Frugal
1-1-11, 9:01pm
Argh..first new site fatality-wrote a huge post and lost it!>:(

I am super close to with my 2 sisters. Each week we meet at my moms house. We sit around my moms kitchen table drinking too much coffee and just talking. We've been doing this for over 20 years and during that time we've all married, had children, and moved around. But we still meet each week. When our kids were babies they would sit around the table with us...sucking on teaspoons, spilling sugar and being generally cute. As they grew older they started to listen to our gossiping, so we would begin to spell our words..when they learned to spell we would switch to speaking Italian;)

I have some good friends but I would be very lonely without my sisters. I also have 2 brothers, not super close but see them often. We are a very close family.

catherine
1-1-11, 11:55pm
Interesting question...

My family of origin were close in that we loved each other, but far in that we never expressed our emotions, because of my father's alcoholism. I saw a cartoon once that perfectly described my parents and my three siblings--there were 6 little islands in the middle of an ocean. There was one person sitting alone on each little island. The caption read "The Dysfunctional Family Robinson." That was a PERFECT description of my family. Just worlds apart from each other emotionally, being superficially good to each other but harboring all kinds of stuff we dared not share.

My family today (DH, DS32, DS30, DS26, DD25) are EXTREMELY close. Ironically, alcohol is still present in the family (my DH), but we are very open and honest with each other. My kids have taught me volumes about how one can express feelings in a calm, non-judgemental, non-threatening way.

I regret that I have only lately reached out to reconnect meaningfully with my family of origin--my three brothers. Again ironically, all but one of us has found surrogate families that filled that emotional distance. All of the families we married into were very strong and close. Where my mother wound up marrying 3 times, dumping one alcoholic for another, none of us have divorced.

I think that what makes a strong, close family is appreciation for each other's individuality, a genuine appreciation for each member, and pure enjoyment in being with them. Honesty and open communication is vital, but with no judgement. Mutual respect is also important. I think my kids are really close, because honestly, they are all fun to be around, and do interesting things--for work and play. They each have a great sense of humor and you just feel the love when you're with them. At least I do--maybe just because I'm their mom. But this is what I see in most successful families.

redfox
1-2-11, 12:07am
I'm close to all but my brother, who has removed himself from our family. One of the books that changed my view of family is Extraordinary Relationships, by Dr. Roberta Gilbert.

canadianrose
1-2-11, 3:00am
I'm currently on the other side of Canada from my family, and if there was work available in the area for me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I've always been close to my parents, and less so with my brother. He and I just lead such different lives, it's hard to reconnect after being away for 5 years or so. I wish I was still close to my cousins, they all live in that same area, too. All together we were a group of 7, 1 or 2 years apart in age, and they all still gather frequently.

Terri
1-2-11, 7:29am
My immediate family is very close, as in dinner twice a week at my parents house (at least until I moved too far away). My parents are both fantastic people who don't really have a big social circle outside of family and a few work friends. We also have a lot of traditions that have developed over the years, like annual events that we all enjoy.

But mostly, I think, we're that close because it's such low pressure. If I can't come to something, I just let them know, there is no guilt. If I want to have dinner with them but don't really want to stay, I just go and eat and go home... it takes less time to drive there than it does to cook, and someone else will do the dishes that night. If I'm feeling social I'll go early, help chop veggies or do the dishes, maybe watch a TV show before heading home. If they feel like visiting, they will, otherwise they'll hang out in another room reading. I have had friends who, every time they see their parents, it's a full day "visit" with everyone sitting around the living room chatting all day long and that would drive me nuts, I'm just not that social by nature. Which may be why I'm not as close to my extended family, many of whom are more socially oriented.

I'm living far away for work right now, and my parents came out and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. It was great to have them here! Later, my sister came out and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. My younger sister won't be coming, because it's too expensive for her to travel here with two young kids, but I'll see her when I go home for a visit in February. We may not talk often, since she's very busy, but we always seem to pick up where we left off.

Gregg
1-2-11, 8:05am
My family is what I would consider "cautiously close". We care very deeply for each other, but thanks to my mom try to no tread too heavily on deeper personal issues. DW's family is more open, less guarded, about everything. Her brother is one of my closest friends. I wish my family was a little more like hers and she wishes hers was a little more like mine, lol. Looking down the line I hope to be a very involved grandparent when the day comes. I think my kids are going to be ok with that...

Kathy WI
1-2-11, 12:37pm
I have one brother who's 13 years older than me. We didn't really grow up together, because he went away to college the same year I went to kindergarten. Our dad died when I was 2 and he was 15. We were raised in completely different circumstances. But we're always amazed at how alike we are. We have the same twisted sense of humor, same political views, same opinions about most things. I was never close to my mom even as a kid. My brother lives in another state and we only see each other once or twice a year, but I consider us to be "close" just because we have a lot in common and get along really well.

grendel
1-2-11, 12:59pm
My sister and I were raised in the military, so even though we have a large extended family, we barely know them. Our parents both passed away in the last two years. While my sister and I have little to nothing in common, we do have fun when we get together, which is a few times a year. She and BIL plan to retire soon and move across the country to where our extended family is, and I'm dreading that day. She is what's left of my family of origin, and I'll miss her.

iris lily
1-2-11, 4:40pm
I grew up in a family that had lots of cousins and there were frequent family reunions. My uncle, pretty much the favaorite uncle of everyone, had a big house at a lake and there were regular campouts and lake stays there.

My cousins were very important to me. My brother is 9 years younger and he was off my radar when growing up. I had my set of cousin freinds and he had his set.

But when we both became adults we hung out a little, and our joint favorite cousin is exactly half way between us in years, so now all of us get together when we are in the same town. We are "close" meaning we like each other but we seldom talk to each other unless we have specifics to pass on. We all took a vacation to Scotland last year and didn't kill each other, so that's pretty good!

But I don't go "home" for holidays to see my brother.He doens't have children. There's no reason to go.

When my parents were alive and healthy I would talk with them once every week or two.

kwest
1-2-11, 6:59pm
This thread has been so interesting for me to read. Each family is so different that I have decided that maybe mine isn't so strange after all.

The most different thing about my personal situation is that my Dad was 60 years old and Mom was 30 when I was born. I am an only child although I had 2 half-brothers who were older than my mom. They are both deceased now but I never really knew them. Mom and Dad are both gone as well as aunts and uncles. A few cousins left and they are so scattered around the country that we never really became close. DH has a sister who is 15 years younger than he and a few cousins too. The sister and BIL are close with us and we get together occasionaly.

Then there is our younger gang! 2 DDs and 1DS, 3GDs, 1GS and 2GDBFs. We are all very close! We all go our separate ways and don't get together a lot but we talk most every day by phone or email. I have refused to get involved with all the texting that goes on so I am probably missing out on a lot! We all know that everyone is there for us when we need them and that includes in-laws. We are so fortunate!

Karen

iris lily
1-2-11, 7:06pm
RE; about men.

The side I fmy extended family, that I was close with, is composed mostly of brothers. The uncles were always getting together. Perhaps it was in reality their wives who pushed it but I don't htink so. My favorite uncle was the defacto head of the clan and he was pretty funny and social in a way that men (like my father) are often not. My dad was quiet and like to attend soical gathering, but he (like most men) also like to be doing something. So that's why the lake house was a good thing for all of them. There was grass to mow, trees to trim, poind projects to work on, etc.

My uncle liked to talk on the phone. How many men of that generation actually have long conversations on the phone? That's another resons why he was defacto fmaily leader--everyone would call him to shoot the breeze. His son, one of my favorite cousins, is still the funniest person I know.

jennipurrr
1-2-11, 7:43pm
This is a very interesting thread. My sister (my only sibling) and I have had an up and down relationship over the past couple of years. I think in some ways it is exasperbated because we are very close and so we both are guilty of treating each other more poorly than anyone else. She is moving across the country and I am sad about it, but I think it might give us the distance to help our relationship in the long run.

I think my family is generally close. Aside from one aunt who has removed herself, the extended family does things at birthdays, ballgames, holidays and I talk to my sister and mom several times a week. DH has a completely foreign perspective where he thinks we are distant. His family is err, for lack of a better word, enmeshed. He has been struggling for a few years to maintain healthy boundaries with them, but maintain a close relationship, without being sucked into the drama. Its a work in progress and he says he is happier today by working to do so.

mira
1-3-11, 4:17pm
I have two younger brothers (one of whom is just 17) and I guess we're fairly close - we have fun together and enjoy eachother's company. We don't call eachother up or anything though or discuss intimate matters!

As for my parents, my mum is not very social or open, and I found this very difficult when I was growing up. We didn't really develop that friendship side of things that many daughters seem to have with their mothers. Could never talk to her about personal matters or anything because she found it inappropriate or embarrassing or whatever. I'm pretty open now so I hope not to be like that with my own kids! She has 4 sisters and they are always having some drama, not speaking to one another, being irrational... it's a shame because it cuts me and my brothers off from aunts, uncles and cousins.

My dad is pretty outgoing, fun-loving and has always been the one to make things happen in our family. He and I have more in common than me and my mum in this respect so we've always been on the same wavelength. My dad is very close to his brother, sisters and mother, all of whom live across the Atlantic in Florida. It is unfortunate that we don't get to see his side of the family very often, since it's always so fun and there is no ridiculous drama as there is with my mum's side... ugh.

I visit them whenever I can, just for the day or for dinner and holidays. We all get along much better now than we ever did when I was younger.

leslieann
1-5-11, 7:59am
My brother and sister and I are not close. I am closer to my sister because of geography, and I like spending time with her but it requires commitment (she lives 5 hours away). My brother lives much farther away but we don't do much via email or phoning either. My adult children are not close to each other, either. I don't think it is something that "just happens" though. I think that we learn closeness as we grow up. My mother actively discouraged connection between sibs: like Stella, I was the "smart one," my brother was the "brilliant one" and my sister was "good company." Well, you can imagine what that produced....I was smart but not smart enough, and my sister thought she was stupid. She nearly dropped out of high school and didn't finish her university degree until age 40. I honestly think that my mother feared that we'd gang up on her if we were close. But one result was that I had no idea how to foster closeness among my children, who were born before I really understood any of this.

I love Stella's friends' ideas and would like to implement something like that....a family reunion or something. I have to approach it with a light heart and light hand, though, and not get too invested in whether others want to participate. I do regret not having a closer family but then I moved across the border from all of mine so I am a significant contributor to the distancing.

Looking for more good information and tips here!