PDA

View Full Version : Leaving Behind Journals for Children



pcooley
2-1-11, 12:33pm
My father was very introverted, and he died in a car accident when I was in my late teens, (in 1984). I always wished that I had asked him more about himself, and I wished that I had some kind of record of who he really was. He fought in the Battle of the Bulge and was wounded and spent time recovering in a military hospital and all sorts of things that there is really no record of. I also wished I knew more about the things he struggled with and what he thought of his life. I often feel that my own faults and frustrations are patterns of behavior that I inherited from him, and I thought if I knew that to be true, I could see a better way around them.

I started keeping journals years ago, partly with the idea that I could leave them to my son, and he would have all that information that I wished I had about my father.

Here's the thing. I use my journaling mostly to blow off steam. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would probably rate my life a 9 most of the time. Someone reading my journal, however, would get a much more dismal view of things. I get particularly agitated with my son. Rather than be a bad parent, and scream "What the h*** is wrong with you?!" when I'm at the breaking point with him, I pour out my frustration in my journal. I'm very happy with my marriage, but there are still little things that annoy me, and sometimes I get very frustrated. All that goes into the journal. I'm probably most embarrassed that my journal entries -- over a span of years -- are about the same frustrations over and over. Aren't I supposed to learn about myself through my writing and move on? And when I'm feeling very depressed, which isn't all that often, that goes into the journal.

I try to write positive accounts of what goes on in my life, but that's really what the blog is for. And as was mentioned in <em>The Hobbit</em>, things that are pleasant are quickly told. I can write five or six pages about being so frustrated I don't know whether to scream or cry, but a pleasant day on the bike? Maybe a paragraph.

So there are days I feel like I should simply burn the journals after I fill them up. I have a whole shelf of them now, and I somehow hate to think of my wife or my children reading them after I'm dead and thinking, "Wow, I wonder why he stuck around? It sounds like he hated us?" (Though I love my family deeply, and I don't express frustration in terms of hatred).

The journals do contain many positive things, and they are a record of our family life, but a great portion of them is simply the dregs of my experience.

Is that something I should leave behind? I think I would like a record of the dregs of my father's experience, even if it is just long ravings about how I, as a little boy, would stand in front of the television and try to talk to him when he was trying to watch golf.

I'm really torn about the potential usefulness and the potential damage inherent in leaving behind journals.

iris lily
2-1-11, 12:38pm
Tough call.

But for the mental peace of mind of your son, please consider how, with us humans, negative ch*t sticks around longer than positive ch*t in our head. And then, if the
ch*t is in writing--it will be there forever, staring at him. That's a dastardly number to pull on him. Don't do it.

Burn them, they exist for your mental health and not for your children.

I can barely imagine the hurt of even ONE negative thing about me and how that would haunt me if I read about it in my father's journal.

You could also, before you burn them, go through them and make a "Best of..." journal that compresses several years into one volume, deleting all of the negative crap.

loosechickens
2-1-11, 12:57pm
Also, I find myself thinking of myself as a child.....my intense curiosity about my parents, my snooping around in my mother's things, etc., and my own kids' adult confessions...."yeah, when we were kids, we used to giggle over those pictures of you in the see thru nightie, you know those polaroid pics under your underwear".......which makes me hear "I have a whole shelf of them", and wonder if your wife and kids haven't already snooped in them.

I agree with Iris Lily. Negative things said by a parent about you reverberate all your life, and outweigh all the praise that may be heaped on you. I say, pick out the "best of the journals", certainly it doesn't all have to be sunshine and roses, but can be censored for comments and complaints that would cause sadness and hurt to your family, and compress them into a history of your life and your activities that you won't mind your kids reading when you're gone, and burn the rest........

Anne Lee
2-1-11, 1:08pm
IIWY (If I were you) I would create a journal using a memoir prompt. I think that sort of journal would be more in line with leaving a record of yourself for your someday adult children. You don't have to sanitize things but the "darker parts" will be intentional and contextualized.

Really, going back and reading my journals is a painful thing as I come across very self absorbed. I mean, it IS my journal and the place for me to ruminate about myself but putting my emotional dump down on paper like that makes things much more defined, as if this was really the entirety who I am. I am that person, in that moment, but I'm generally not as self absorbed, petulant or selfish as my journal would suggest. At least, I hope I'm not.

Rosemary
2-1-11, 3:28pm
I have a separate journal in which I record things for my daughter to read when she is older. My daily journals are for no one but myself.

Alan
2-1-11, 4:09pm
I would take the approach that the journals are for the children. If there is something in there that will cause them pain, don't leave it behind.
If you find it cathartic to use the journals for yourself, continue to do so and forget the leaving behind part.

Crystal
2-1-11, 5:00pm
Not journals exactly, but when I was a single mom raising my children I used to write a letter to them every year to be opened in the event of my death, giving advice, telling them I loved them, etc.

catherine
2-3-11, 8:19am
I've kept a diary since October 17, 1964. At that time, I was just breaking into adolescence, and needed a "friend" I could speak to in confidence. So, my journal/diary became an outlet just like yours, Paul. It's been that for over 40 years. When I started having my kids, that question nagged at me. So, basically I've left out anything that I feel the children might be devastated by. While I've never had any urges to write negative things directly about the kids or my time with the kids, I still do worry a little about my downloads about my marriage. Not sure how they would take that--we all have up-and-down times in our marriages, and I didn't edit those feelings when they happened. And those fleeting feelings might be perceived as more than they actually were--therefore misleading and possibly hurtful

Perhaps making a project of creating a "cleaned-up" version would be a good idea. A daunting one though--46 years of stuff!

Float On
2-3-11, 9:05am
When I was 17 I snuck a peek onto one page of a journal that my mom left open on a chair in the living room. I read one line where she said she was disappointed in me and my immaturity and she worried about how I would turn out. That has stuck with me forever and everytime I feel like I don't live up to par that line comes flooding back. It could very well be that there were many other pages full of wonderful things said about me, but just reading that one line has affected me. Anytime I've had to come back and ask for their imput or advice or help I always think 'she was right I am a disappointment'.

I've tried to start many journals over the years but the first time I make a negative comment about someone I end up tearing out those pages and throwing the whole thing away. I just don't want my DH or kids to see any words that might affect them later in life.

Bill
2-3-11, 10:41am
Instead of leaving behind journals for your kids why not write an ethical will? This is an informal document. You can google ethical wills and find lots of info.

Reyes
2-3-11, 10:49am
I would not leave them for your children. This is your personal journal for your mental health. Your every thought does not need to be with them for their lives.

Spartana
2-3-11, 3:10pm
You should consider writing a Memoir of your life for your kids instead of leaving the journals (the rants and frustrations) for them. Your kids may be both inspired and awed by the things you do in life. My Mom, who was a teenager in a German city on the Baltic Sea (was Konigsberg, East Prussia now Kaliningrad, Russia) that was bombed out by Allied Forces and then invaded by the Russian Red Army during World War II, left a "story of her life" for us kids about all the horrible (and great) adventures she had - things she never really talked about. It was interesting and surpising to read about how, at 15, she was seperated from her parents, her home was bombed, and how she spend time in Russian detention/work camp before escaping "Sound of Music" style with another teenage girl and making her way to southrn Germany at the end of the war. Where she was eventually reunited with her parents in a refugee camp in Dachau, went to work on a US air force base, met my Dad and all the other stuff that followed. It was great to read and learn about her life and if I was a writer I'd make it into a book it was so interesting. I didn't read any of it until after she passed away and it is something I'll treasure forever. Much better to read than the rants she probably had dealing with evil me :-)

razz
2-3-11, 6:42pm
Some of my siblings are looking at developing a family history and we have discovered that we have few records of what, where, when and how never mind why our grandparents did what they did.

My sister just reminded me to take note and develop an account for our DGS.

Point being, discard the totally honest journals that will hurt once someone and develop one that you can share with your children.

happystuff
2-5-11, 6:40pm
I started keeping a journal when very young. Ended up with several dozens of them. Then I burned them. I wrote them for myself and burned them for myself.

I started again shortly after the death of my son. I still write them for myself and hope to burn them again before I die. If I don't get the opportunity - oh, well... people will learn there was more to me than they may have seen. (Then again, maybe they already know.) But I always remember that thing about watch what you put in writing... it may last forever.

early morning
2-6-11, 7:22pm
I don't use my journal as an outlet for my feelings, generally - they are more a record of my days. Frustrations get written in a word doc that never gets saved. I don't want to cause anyone grief unintentionally .

margene
2-8-11, 8:41am
I've been thinking of writing something about my hopes for my kids and also why I think they're special just in case I do die unexpectedly. But I also do write down my frustrations at times, which helps me process it but I do burn it afterwords.

San Onofre Guy
2-11-11, 7:43pm
I come back to the thought of never write down or type in an email anything that you are not comfortable being asked about in a deposition, having blown up on a large screen and asked about in open court or have printed on the front page of your local newspaper

Susan
2-12-11, 9:43pm
Maybe it is just me but I think that instead of editing yourself or burning teh journals, leave everything. Let your children see that life had it's frustrations and that you were human, and handled the problems. Maybe it will give them strength in the future.