Curating my life!

[Zoebird]

I've been mulling over this particular little shift in consciousness that I've been (or I am experiencing) recently.

First, I'm always doing my "minimalist exercises." I love to think about living with less a great deal.

For example, a friend of mine linked a very small house to me -- a 161 sq ft cottage. It's a 1 bedroom, small living/dining/kitchen, small bath (with shower, tub, sink, and washing machine), a fair amount of built in storage (three closets) -- two in the living and 1 in the bedroom.

She said "could you live in this?" And I said 'yes.'

We would get rid of our furniture, except one bench that we use for everything (table, desk, step stool, bench, etc). I would get wool/sheepskin rugs for the bedroom and living room. DS would have a futon, his toys and clothes stored in the bedroom closet -- and that would be his space. We would use the lounge that way, using one of the closets for our futons, wardrobes, personal items, and the other for family drop zone (coat, bags, shoes). We'd go back to our picnic dining (which we still do once a day at dinner anyway). The kitchen has enough storage for our food as well as cooking/prep space.

I also then thought about how one had to live in such a space. Like here, I wouldn't have anything on the walls. Every object -- from clothing to books to. . . everything -- would have to be carefully chosen, cared for well so that it retains it's beauty since we'll be living "so closely" with it. It would be the end of decorating (yay).

Emotionally, we would have to learn to say no more clearly, to let go more often (and learn to manage the strange grief that goes with this), and how to find ways to be "so very close" to each other by finding our space.

As I did this exercise, I started to realize that this was curating.

Curating is about choosing, managing, overseeing, and it's also a spiritual process and discipline.

For me, the spiritual process lies in being able to 'sit' with my feelings.

There are two big ones off the top of my head right now: 1. grief of rejecting people's love/generosity (actively and passively); and 2. "cruelty" to my son (as so many people are calling it).

For the first, so many people in my life are object oriented in their love language. Thus, they give us many things. Some we want (as I've been able to have some dialogue about this), and some that we don't. When we get what we don't, I struggle to 'let it go' because I know that it represents love, and I don't want to 'throw away' people's love.

I am learning to be with this feeling, which is helping me both be more clear up front AND let things go.

For the second, i get a fair amount of criticism for how we raise DS. Like with the first feeling of just letting go, sometimes people give him stuff -- stuff we don't want, or that he doesn't need, or that he neither wants nor needs! Thankfully, he's relatively destructive, so when a toy is broken, I just get rid of it. But other toys are harder to destroy, and thus I pack them away if he hasn't played with them in a long while. If he hasn't asked for them for several months, then I pass them along.

My family, in particular, calls this "cruel." I'm not sure why it is cruel. He is such a happy kid. His favorite toys are his STICKS followed by his lego, followed by his blocks, followed by a few stuffed toys. He also loves his books. We spend most of our time outside with him, anyway -- or he's outside in the garden reorganizing his massive stick collection. LOL

But, that feeling of "if I"m not providing DS with a normal, middle class life as I understand it, am I depriving him and being cruel?"

The reality is that I know that simplicity and minimalism creates freedom! I know that it creates opportunities for creativity and connection with self, with family, with friends in a way that objects never can. And that is what I want to provide for him.

So, I have to sit with the inner and outer critics -- and the mixed feelings that it brings up in me.

And in so doing, I can curate -- rather than declutter and organize and all of that. Just curate. Oversee. Manage. Lead a spiritual process.

[Rosemary]

There is so much excess of everything today that constant curating is necessary. We did the same thing with DD's toys when she was younger. When I cleaned out her closet, I would put the things she didn't seem to play with anymore into a bin in another closet. If she didn't ask for them within a month or so, out they went. Now that she is older, she pares down her belongings very well by herself.

I learned to pare my belongings fairly young because my family moved a lot. Whenever I go to my friend's insanely cluttered and messy house, I am thankful that I am able to keep order because an uncluttered house gives me a peaceful mind and heart.

It does get easier as kids get older because the toys become smaller (e.g. one bin of legos instead of large plastic things) and they spend more time in school and/or reading.

[herbgeek]

Its funny you use the word curate, because that's the exact word I used a couple of weeks ago to describe where I am currently in my life. Over the years, I've tried out a lot of things, made a lot of things, done a lot of things, and now I've just selected the best of what I've tried, and let most of the rest go (sometimes while I'm kicking and screaming LOL). I felt bad at first that I haven't continued with the same hobbies, and the same friends and the same routines. In my 50's, I'm not feeling the need to "do" nearly as much. Been there, done that, it was good, but I don't feel the need to continue. I also can enjoy others efforts, without having to duplicate them or have my own. For example, I enjoy seeing people's seasonal decorations, think they are nice, but don't feel a need to have my own.

[Zoebird]

I do the same with DS's toys! What I notice as I do this is that his play is more focused and more creative in general. He rarely misses anything. And, as his numbers of toys is dwindling, it's all so much easier to maintain and manage.

I also had a nice skype call with my parents where we went through several of the boxes that they are storing. 3 boxes of magazines are being donated to the big hospital. I saved my favorite books (two series), and let the rest be donated to the hospital as well. I decided that my shoes could be donated to charity, too, as well as the extra handbags that I won't use. I went through our odds and ends, and only saved a wool blanket! We went through the kitchen stuff, and this is where it gets interesting.

There are several items in that box from my parents -- nice gifts. or from other family members. going through the box with them and saying "no, i wont' use it, I don't need it." is hard because for them it's gift = love. And therefore, rejecting gift is rejecting love. It's hard on them. So, my mom kept asking me "are you sure? are you sure?" and I said yes, because we simply don't have the space to store it until we have the space to use it (the platters take up 1/2 my table in size! LOL).

So, I had to go through this really emotional process of explaining that I love the people who gave me the object way more than the object itself. That I was grateful for the object, but even more grateful for the love and care that those people were showing me. I had to keep it 'third party' because if I went with "you" then it would be denied that they were thinking/feeling that. It seemed to work ok.

I got the kitchen stuff down to our stainless cutlery, 6 plates, 6 bowls, 3 kitchen tools (designed by our friend), one tea pot (eva solo), one coffee press (bodum), two candlesticks and one platter. All of the tableware are hand-made. The tools are well designed, and the tea pot, press, and candlesticks are also well designed objects (picked up in scandi travels).

I think we'll have only DH's books, DS's books, the one box of odd bits, and what appears to be two small kitchen boxes (depends upon how it's packed, really). I think it will be down under 10 boxes. Dad says he'll just send the kitchen repacked and straight. And then the books they'll just tuck books into the boxes of DS's clothes that they send (about 2x year).

Pretty cool, really. I feel good about it. I feel like I curated!

Right now, DH and I are talking about curating in terms of furnishings. We have agreed to keep table for now, but are looking to get rid of the two "lounging" chairs that we have as well as the current dining chairs. With the bench and another chair that I have, dining as it is currently used will be fine (dh and ds use it, and I can share the bench with DS if we were to all be at the table). That will open some space in our lounge nicely. :)

We also cleared the bathroom out today. We are down to the very basics: 6 towels (two each); family cloth and TP; cloth pads and a moon cup; DS's undies (we keep them in there); tooth brushes; vinegar, baking soda, peroxide, and coconut oil (which is for both personal hygiene and for cleaning); razor for DH; comb, brush, and hair bands/items for me to do my 5 hairstyles (all of this fits into a nice wooden box).

It's amazing how simple it all is! There is very little storage in there, and yet. . . we have more than enough storage. There's a shelf above the sink. I have the hand-made pottery cup with the toothbrushes in it there with a small spoon. next to that, i have a small jar of coconut oil and a small jar of baking soda which we use for brushing teeth and oil pulling. I also put a wooden box with the comb, brush, and hair supplies on top of the shelf. in the 'linen closet' which also houses the hot water heater, I have the towels in a neat pile, a little basket for DS's undies, and my menstrual supplies. On the floor under the shelf, I placed the 5 liters of vinegar, 3 kilos of baking soda, 3 kilos of coconut oil, and 1 liter of peroxide. DS knows to say away from these things. Next to these I have the buckets that DS can use in the shower.

I have a dirty bucket for FC and clean ones in a little tote bag on a hook next to the toilet. There's two rolls of TP by the vinegar and stuff, and one on the roll for DH to use (ds and I use FC). Dh is still unconvinced to go without TP, but we only use one roll a month (if that) these days.

I put a container of rags/old towels (to clean up messes) into the laundry room under the sink there in a bucket that used to be a yogurt bucket (i rolled each one up so they fit in there well).

So, I have three projects and I think the house will be in work-able shape for us: clotheslines in the greenhouse (things dry fast in there. Why didn't I do that sooner?), shelves in the kitchen (home for produce so that we can prep on the countertop), and possibly some hooks for coats/etc. :) Simple projects, really.

It feels good.

There are other areas where I'm 'curating' too -- in my work life, activities, etc. Not just stuff, but how I want to live and what I want to accomplish.

[rodeosweetheart]

I think what may work when the child is small may not work when the child grows larger, and has other needs, like privacy.

Interesting how much our choices affect our children, and I can see why you grapple with this issue of space and life planning.

[Gardenarian]

Yes, Zoebird! Not only in making thoughtful selection of material goods, but in what I want growing in my garden (it is sometmes difficult for me to oust plants, even loathsome ones) and of how I use my time and energy. They're all about setting priorities and living by them.

I find the curating perspective helpful because it lets me step back from my emotions, routines, and habits; I want to manage my life and household so that it is in accordance with my values and goals, and not just one thing after another.

I am not at all a minimalist - I have 100s of books, for example - but I do want the things I own and the things I do to be of the greatest benefit to me and my family.

[Zoebird]

Like everything in child rearing, what works in one phase won't work in another. But, in terms of privacy needs, there are many families the world over who live in a single room altogether, and still find a way to meet personal privacy needs. we do have a certain measure of plans for it should we stay where we are, as well as being willing to move if we feel that we need to (but keeping in mind the costs and such).

Yes, I don't think you have to be minimalist to curate, either! :D

[Gardenarian]

I think it's interesting the way the idea of curating ties in with permaculture. The whole idea of minimal effort for maximum production. Not that I'm opposed to hard work - but I am opposed to unnecessary work.

So in permaculture you set up an entire system that is geared toward producing what you want (fruit, vegeables, meat, beauty, play space) with no waste. And in curating our lives we set up systems calibrated to produce maximum happiness/comfort/serenity for the least effort, and hopefully with little waste.

In both cases there is significant initial investment in time, thought, and possibly money, but that investment is recouped time and again as the years pass.

[Zoebird]

Yes, I can definitely see how that is so. I love reading permaculture stuff, so I'm not surprised by the connection. Sadly, I simply haven't figured out how to effectively garden. Still, I do ok in other areas. :)

In terms of ideas, I've really started to streamline some systems into basically "nothing" -- and a lot of it is managing ideas.

The current idea that I'm managing is my feeling of upset when my family is disappointed when I reject their love by way of rejecting their objects. I'll accept money or experiences outright, and I try to direct their object-as-love giving to the useful, but after a while, we have more than what we need in terms of useful (or just enough), and it keeps on coming! So, you put the kabosh, and then it's puppy dog face. So, i'm struggling with that, and working with how to best "be with" those feelings.

Also, bringing it up directly leads to "oh no, we don't feel that way" when it's obvious. So, that's an area where I'm working on this emotionally.

[SteveinMN]

I try to direct their object-as-love giving to the useful, but after a while, we have more than what we need in terms of useful (or just enough), and it keeps on coming! So, you put the kabosh, and then it's puppy dog face. So, i'm struggling with that, and working with how to best "be with" those feelings.
Because you know what they do not yet know....

[miradoblackwarrior]

Hi, all--
I love that term, "curating."

I've been curating stuff as well, but, lately, I've been curating my life. I am getting in touch with my inner hippie, shedding the car, the cable, the landline, the expectations and need for a lot of money. I find I am relaxing more and taking better care of myself. I still have a ways to go, but I am actually enjoying the limitations I've imposed on my life!

Susan

[Zoebird]

We just made the decision to curate internet out of hte house. Or, curate our free time.

We discovered that we waste time on the internet at night when we could be doing other things. We are downloading too much tv just because it is there, rather than just resting, talking to each other, playing together, or watching movies (which we rent). I wrote in another thread about what we'll do so that we aren't missing out on things that we enjoy, but what I am discovering is that home will be a place of pure enjoyment.

When we first moved here, we didn't know that we could download tv shows. So, we hardly watched any, and mostly watched our videos from the rental. The other nights (which was most nights) we would talk, read, or write.

The house was also ridiculously clean. I tidy every day, but certain aspects I leave to DH. I realized yesterday -- when we started our "internet fast" that after DH had finished the dinner, I went over and did the dishes while we were chatting. I finished the dishes, then dried and put them away, then wiped the countertops, then tidied the table (a few bits of paper there), and then decided to wash the fridge. We were still chatting away and I was happy as could be (not unhappy to be cleaning). And when I was finished with the fridge/freezer, I finally felt "done" and we went into the lounge and sat together (on the floor -- i'm going to sell those chairs) and had a nice chat!

This morning, instead of getting up and checking everything(!), I got up and had a nice long shower, then got DS and myself dressed, then tidied up the bedroom, then tidied up DS's toys, then packed for swimming (i go when the boys get here, hence I'm online right now), and then decided to go and start tidying the closet because I still had 30 minutes before we had to go and DH was cooking and packing lunches. I took all of DS's too-small rain gear and a couple of other items over to my neighbors (their daughter is a bit younger), and I also took a little bag of age appropriate toys/etc. When I got to work, I send her a FB message that I'd dropped it off and to please pass it along if she didn't want any of it, I just didn't have anyone to pass it along to and I wanted her to have first dibs of any of those items. :)

Then, I popped back into the house and still had 15 minutes to go, and instead of diving back into the closet, I opted to dive into the kitchen and wash and put away all of the dishes from breakfast and cooking.

THEN we went to take DS to school. All of that because I wasn't online! DUH. What was I doing for the past year? LOL

Tonight, I'm going to scrub and declutter the bathroom (my parents left a lot of stuff, and my parents haven't been here since January!) while DH and I talk, and we're going to do all of the laundry as well (two loads). the hardest part is hanging to dry, and DH isn't fond of the task.

So psyched about this. Silly, but true!

[Gardenarian]

Sounds like a great change! I wish we could set up our internet service so it was only available at certain hours - Mr. Gardenarian is a bit of an addict, and dd has been spending way more time on deviantart than necessary. We need to have it at home, and it is difficult to control.

Luckily none of us are interested in TV, but I'm not sure that surfing the net is much more productive than watching old Simpsons reruns. My house would be cleaner without it as well.

[SteveinMN]

I wish we could set up our internet service so it was only available at certain hours - Mr. Gardenarian is a bit of an addict, and dd has been spending way more time on deviantart than necessary. We need to have it at home, and it is difficult to control.
Gardenarian, if you use a router for Wi-Fi in your house you should be able to do this. Every router we've ever had (4 or 5) has allowed us to set hours of access for particular computers (or game machines or other devices). If you can't get past the router (because it says 'no'), you'll have to either physically connect that computer to the cable/DSL/FIoS/phone line/whatever -- or go without.

[Zoebird]

Good problem solving there, Steve. :)

Last night was so nice. Instead of home and hop on internet and do work and obsess about work, we went home and while DH cooked dinner, I tidied the house, and DS played a bit. Then we had a nice family dinner at the table, and then stories with DS and then. . . we went straight to bed because we were tired.

Then this morning, both DH and I were up early, and as we are on a tight deadline today, we happened to just get the computers open and work on the non-online work that we needed to do. We did 1 hr of work before DS woke up, and then got started on his breakfast, packing lunch, getting ready for the day. We were out the door a bit early, so we got to hang out at DS's kindy for about 15 minutes with him while he showed me around to his favorite play areas. Then we got to the offices bright and early and I finished today's list by 10 am! I did a few niggling projects -- got them a bit more sorted, and now I'm having my breakfast (since we do intermittent fasting, I don't eat until 11 usually, but I teach from 11-4 straight today, so I'm having breakfast and being online.

DH is finishing his project for today, and then we are good to go!

[Gardenarian]

Gardenarian, if you use a router for Wi-Fi in your house you should be able to do this. Every router we've ever had (4 or 5) has allowed us to set hours of access for particular computers (or game machines or other devices). If you can't get past the router (because it says 'no'), you'll have to either physically connect that computer to the cable/DSL/FIoS/phone line/whatever -- or go without.

No Way!! THANK YOU SteveinMN. I'm going to get to work on this as soon as I get home.
Awesome.
:thankyou:

[Zoebird]

Put our plan into action -- moved a lot of thigns around, cut things, etc etc -- net savings of $80/month.

Also, worked like a crazy-person today, but it was very profitable for us. Sets us up for massive expansion.

[fidgiegirl]

I think it's harder, too, because you are having to tell your family directly that you gave away their gifts to you, and in the case of your kitchen stuff, it was you deciding, but them physically doing it. The vast majority of us on the board might experience a similar feeling, but can privately tuck the donation away in the box for the next charity drop off and our families are never the wiser.

My mom asked me directly one year where my Christmas gift had gone to, and I told her I got rid of it (this was relatively quickly after Christmas, but I had learned not to bother keeping stuff I didn't want by then, no matter how long - it wouldn't make me want it more). She was somewhat hurt, but we have another dynamic, too, which is that my mom has hoarding tendencies and therefore it is inconceivable that someone would get rid of any gift, no matter how large, strange, dirty, etc. Well, anyway, what sucked was TELLING her that I'd gotten rid of it - but after that, I haven't gotten that item any more. She kind of globs on to a "collection" that someone must have, even if they don't have it - for a long time with my sister it was frogs, even though she pretty much let that go in her teens, and with me, it was teetering on becoming Pillsbury Dough Boys, until she realized I didn't want them and gave them away - never have I received another.

So anyway, to have to do the "telling" part of it about every.single.item. would be really hard, I think, but I give you kudos for facing it.

[Zoebird]

Well, to be honest, the expense of moving it does make it easier. And, it's going to my sister, so my mom feels that I can "have it back" any time.

The harder thing is to tell her to stop sending clothes for DS. His clothing (which fits now) holds enough outfits for 31 consecutive days. It's *too much* and unnecessary. I know how much he needs, and that USED TO be how much they got us, but in the last 6 months, it's gone into over-drive. I think mom is stressed about something (she iether eats or shops, and she's not eating right now. . . i mean, she's eating, just nto emotionally eating. . . which means shopping).

Anyway. :) It's good.

Looks like the spot I was considering for a studio in the 'hood is a good price but a too-small size.

[Zoebird]

Middle of the night and struggling with sleep equals internet time. Breaking the fast!

Anyway, good day overall. Lots of great work -- taught a workshop, did some work, and came home. Watched a movie with DS (snow white, which scared him, poor thing), and then we had family dinner.

Did a little bit of curating this evening. I have a couple of books that I was given since being here, and so I got those sorted to either, A. go back to the person who loaned them to me or B. move on to a new home. I went on an evening walk (DH was at home while DS was asleep), and I took the books to the various homes and put them on the back porch by the door all quiet-like. LIttle notes inside with thanks, etc. I also brought 3 books with me and only need one, so I gave the other two to one of my fellow teachers who might better use it in her space. The other one I use daily, so it's worth keeping. Still, it's worth taking to the yoga studio to keep there, rather than dragging it home and back.

I also went through jewelry and really weird odds and ends that I brought with me. Really, really weird ones. LOL I just let them go. The neighbor girl likes beading, so I took those bits and bobs over to her. The jewelry that I don't want I handed over to another neighbor girl who loves that stuff. It was all the inexpensive costume jewelry. I kept all of my good stuff, which now only fills 1/5 of my jewelry box, so I put them all into little bags that I had for my beading stuff (weird things i brought), and then put them into a smaller jewelry box. So, when I took the remaining jewelry to the girl, I took the box too in case she could use it.

Felt good to move on. DH isn't in the spirit as much, really. He feels anxious when I get into these moods, but I've never forced him to get rid of anything, so IDK why he's like that.