View Full Version : I may be a, rhymes with witch
So this gets into the relationship with my ex. If you don't want to read i totally understand. I only understand what I do from 2 decades of dealing with one of the most difficult people you can imagine.
My oldest kiddo needs help with an entrenched virus on her laptop. I am low on funds and dad is not, plus he is a computer guy. DD has tried many things, went to computer friends, the whole bit and now my gut is screaming to take it to geek squad. The problem is that I don't want to get back into the situation where with much lower funds I am taking care of something just to get it taken care of because dad is so difficult. A recent thing is that DD moved to california to live with friends, friends were called out of state for a dying parent, in the meantime she ran out of money and her phone was off and she was alone in a bad neighborhood in another state with no phone, internet, roomates or even neighbors she knew. It took 3 weeks for him to help her get her phone turned on. By the end I was about ready to just drive out and get her i was so worried. I mean 3 weeks in that urgent of a situation, after he agreed to help so he wasn't arguing about helping he just was moving his own speed and it is not close to what the rest of the world does.
So I sent him a text asking if he could take her to geeksquad (she does not have transportation) and his answer was he would help her. Yeah, that does not mean take it to geek squad, that means he will do his own thing in his own time. That is fine but he will never answer the question directly. Obviously he has known me as long as i have known him and I have an odd and intense intuition. it is spot on 90% of the time and typically freaks people out when it happens. I don't talk about it here because it can make me look like a freak. But right now I just need him to answer the direct question, which is can he take her computer to geek squad specifically, or not. It is not really that he has to do what I amsaying, just answer the actual question instead of doing his usual.
Okay this is really a vent I guess because he is not going to change and answer a question posed directly. There were times in our divorce that we paid lawyers to sit for an hour (no I really timed it) while he thought about one answer to one question. So I just need to either borrow money or wait for her tax refund to come in, or let her deal with this with her dad which is easily going to be 6 months. I just can't see how this guy earns so much da** money if he acts anything like this at work.
sweetana3
2-10-11, 10:34am
I dont believe he is going to change for you anytime soon. If he is the same with the kids, this is also not going to change. However, it might (only might) help to be very very specific with times and needs and whatnot. SHE should call or text and state something like, I either have or need to schedule a trip to geek squad by XX, can you meet me at XX for coffee and we can then take that crazy computer to them on that date or by that date?
I would try everything to stay out of the issues of need between father and kids. If you are the one asking, you are going to bring in the past relationship just because it is you asking. She does need to learn how to deal with her Dad or what always will happen so she clearly understands.
Her refund will come fast if done electronically and the money goes into her bank account. It might just be faster than her dad. Does she need the computer for an emergency!! by then? Can she work on another one for emergency projects until then? Or is she just used to being in contact with friends?
Well, you aren't a witch, just a worried mother.
And you are right. Your ex isn't going to answer the question, this question or any other question. So take a deep breath, do some stretches and think about what is it your daughter really needs. What is the worst case scenario if she doesn't get this virus fixed? (Worst case scenarios rarely happen) Why are you feeling so responsible for fixing it? What can you provide financially without unduly impacting you or your other children? Do you know of any spot jobs to suggest to her so she can earn money to get her computer fixed from Geeksquad, assuming that she will even listen to that suggestion?
And regarding the situation in CA, did you ever debrief with her? What did she learn - if anything - from that scenario (not that she would tell you, but sometimes you can kinda guess by what they say). Has she started any new practices such as savings?
It's hard to reign in your anxieties over your kids because, well, they can just worry us. I have to remind myself that my kids are just as smart as I am and I figured stuff out and so will they... just not on my timetable which irks me but there you go.
If DD is an adult, which is what it sounds like, I would let her work this out with her dad on her own or wait for her tax refund. Early adulthood is full of financial crisis and although it can be hard learning to deal with it yourself is just part of growing up. Your ex isn't actually responsible for her laptop, she is. If he chooses to help her that is great, bit that is between them. Make your decision on what you can or want to do to help her based on your own abilities and desires and release the anger at your ex about this. It is only going to stress you out and isn't going to change anything.
+1 on what Stella said.
Your daughter is an adult. If this issue is important to her, she will handle it. If its not important to her, then why are you taking care of it for her?
frugalista
2-10-11, 12:04pm
another plus one for stella. let her work this out on her own. she's an adult.
I agree with Stella. Your DD is an adult now, and, as much as she is your baby, she needs to talk to her dad directly. I am married to a dad whose kids were mostly with mom when they grew up. Now he calls them and talks to them directly things are good. He listens to them and decides for himself what is the right thing to do for him and for her.
Moms and custodial parents run interference for the kids for so long it is hard to let it go I think. And dads and non-custodial parents can be difficult or just not be on the same page. An adult relationship between your ex and his daughter is, in my opinion, worth a lot more than any minor emergency fix.
Please don't think I am criticizing you in any way; I would be the same way, except more of a *itch. Let her figure out what her dad is like just with her, not through you, and you will be helping her understand the world and get to know her dad in a way she needs to figure out.
Good luck with this, I know it is hard.
loosechickens
2-10-11, 3:15pm
Stella.....SQUARED. it's your daughter's problem, not yours....inserting yourself into the mix will guarantee your ex drags his feet even more.....these "proxy" wars, (which is really what this is, underneath), do no one any good. Let your daughter deal with her father on her own. She's old enough for you to retire from dealing with her "emergencies".
I know it's hard. But putting yourself into this situation does no one any good. Not your daughter, who needs to figure out how to meet her needs and deal with her father on her own, not you, who gets stressed out, and not your ex, who becomes more inclined to push your buttons if you give him a chance.
Let it go. Let them figure it out. Bottom line. It is not your problem. You've probably got enough of your own problems to worry about....spend the energy on them.
edited to add: I re-read your OP, and it's clear that mostly you are venting, not really asking for advice.....but you know all of us here at Simple Living....none of us can keep from putting in our "advice oar" into the waters at the least provocation.
So.....you know he isn't going to change. vent all you want to, but "stop dancing".
Okay okay, I get it (really that isn't a crappy attitude just frustrated with myself).
Yes my daughter is 20 so officially she is an adult. She also suffers from depression and a laundry list of allergies (including the laundry soap, lol). So it is hard to let go of kids in general but she is one that needs a little support. I have known for years that i can't just expect her to handle everything herself all at once but mostly she is doing a good job. I started years ago teaching her how to go to the various DR's alone, pay the copay, get prescriptions, clean according to her allergies, watch lables, etc. When I stopped at her apartment one day her roomate offered her food and then freaked out because she thought she almost killed my daughter (Erica doesn't take any food without reading the label so it is okay). The allergies are not a big deal but the depression and insomnia are harder. So I need to find time to get her back to the host of DR's. That is all off the point really,
So I realize that I want my kids to have a dad they can count on and it just seems so harsh to tell her to handle her computer herself because I can't when dad has income in the range of 14K a month. She won't try him after the California incident and she didn't want to ask him for help then anyway. After California she came back in such a foul mood and attitude that I told her that she could only live with me a limited time. The sleep schedules, attitude, lack of help around the house, it was pretty bad. After a month she told me she did not have depression meds for 3 months at that point (knowing I will always help her with that). And all of this has nothing to do with having some insane hope that their dad will take care of them a little.
It is not your daughter's father's responsibility to bail her out of the situation she got herself into. She is an adult. If you see the need to bail her out (pay her phone bill, fix her computer, etc.) that is between you and her. I think you could save yourself a lot of grief if you stop comparing what you would do for your children to what their father would do for the kids. You simply have different values, different ways of looking at things. You way is not right for him and his is not right for you. You can each parent your own way, especially when it comes to the parenting of an adult. Her dad may see taking care of her as letting her learn to be responsible as an adult. You see taking care of her as providing her with a (temporary) place to live, a working phone, computer, etc. The more you look at this situation as simply a different style of parenting--with no judgements or right or wrong attached--the more you will be able to keep your sanity around the situation.
For what it is worth, I value myself as a good and loving parent. If my adult daughter needed a computer fixed or her phone was turned off due to nonpayment, I would let her work it out. I do not see this as not caring for my daughter, I see it as caring for her greatly.
frugalista
2-11-11, 11:41am
It is not your daughter's father's responsibility to bail her out of the situation she got herself into. She is an adult. If you see the need to bail her out (pay her phone bill, fix her computer, etc.) that is between you and her. I think you could save yourself a lot of grief if you stop comparing what you would do for your children to what their father would do for the kids. You simply have different values, different ways of looking at things. You way is not right for him and his is not right for you. You can each parent your own way, especially when it comes to the parenting of an adult. Her dad may see taking care of her as letting her learn to be responsible as an adult. You see taking care of her as providing her with a (temporary) place to live, a working phone, computer, etc. The more you look at this situation as simply a different style of parenting--with no judgements or right or wrong attached--the more you will be able to keep your sanity around the situation.
For what it is worth, I value myself as a good and loving parent. If my adult daughter needed a computer fixed or her phone was turned off due to nonpayment, I would let her work it out. I do not see this as not caring for my daughter, I see it as caring for her greatly.
this, exactly. lots and lots of crazymaking can be avoided if everyone involved remembers this. spoken from personal experience. :D
Well said Reyes.
I suffered greatly from depression and insomnia when I was your daughter's age Zoe. Severe depression involving self injury and compounded by recovery from a violent crime. It does make things harder, but the fact is that even depressed people have to learn to take care of their own needs. I would actually say that the confidence I gained from beating the kinds of challenges that young adulthood typically provides, and Erica's problems sound pretty typical for a 20 year old, helped me to beat the depression by giving me some confidence and strength. Twenty years old is more than just technically an adult. My husband and sister were both parents at 20 years old. 20 is an actual adult. One of the hardest things for me to accept with my depression was that just because I had obstacles that other people didn't have that made it harder to function didn't relieve me of the responsibility of taking care of myself.
I'm sure it's hard for you to feel like you can't do what you want to do for her, but this challenge seems to have a pretty easy solution for her, using her tax refund to fix her computer. That doesn't seem like an unreasonable thing to expect from her and if you can't help her don't waste your energy feeling guilty or angry about that. You have a lot on your plate. Neither you or your daughter will benefit from you feeling so responsible for something that is ultimately not your responsibility.
Reyes is right. Her dad has the right to parent her however he sees fit. His income really doesn't enter into it.
ZG, have you read Byron Katie? I think you might find her approach helpful. It is all about learning to let go of the stories we are telling ourselves that cause us pain. I hear that both you and your kids have experienced a lot of pain in your relationship with their dad, but although there are legitimate reasons for being unhappy it sounds a lot like the stories you are telling yourselves are making you even more unhappy. Your stories are not going to change how your ex lives his life or interact with you. And all the "he shoulds" and "why doesn't he" mental back and forth just keeps you mentally attached to him like a barnacle. Is that where you want to be? Try to let it go and let go. Release the mental adhesive. He is what he is, and you know he is unreliable. I would encourage your daughter to state what she needs from him, with a timeframe for getting it resolved, and then if he won't/doesn't help within that time frame deal with it on her own with her tax refund.
I think you will help your kids most by learning this technique yourself, and helping them to learn it. There will still be a lot of hurt and injustice in the relationship, but maybe you can also learn to see that for what it is and let it go. Seriously, the less you can let this guy continue to occupy valuable space in your mental, emotional, and physical life, the better. Release your inner barnacle and try swimming in different waters for awhile. You just may find you evolve into something really wonderful :)
In friendship from someone who struggles with "should have" thinking every day herself -- clearly not an expert on this, but I do feel your pain and want to help!
lhamo
When my sister got divorced, she worked double hard to try and fill in the gaps that arose as a result of the divorce. I suspect that a lot of divorced parents do this. The problem is, if there is a dad shaped hole, mom can't fill it no matter how hard she tries (and vice a versa).
You continue to be the best mom you can be. As hard as it is to see your kids suffer because of what their dad does or doesn't do, you can't fill that hole, especially for young adult children. You have smart, capable children. They will figure this out.
Zoe, your daughter needs and deserves to work out her relationship with her father. She'll ask for help when she needs it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and the vote of confidence in her that she can advocate for her own interests. By getting in the middle, there is a subtle implication that she's not capable to handle that relationship on her own. The best way you can contribute to her being an adult, IMHO, is to step aside and clearly communicate to her that you have every confidence in her abilities to figure this out with her dad. If he lets her down, that's between the two of them.
okay i get it, and i am working very hard at not being defensive so can i have a nice hug now?
yes. http://www.simplelivingforum.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=90&d=1293921878
early morning
2-12-11, 2:13pm
(((Zoe Girl))) I find not over-helping my adult kids, esp. the depressive one, to be very, very difficult also. I actually daydream about what we could do for them if we won the lottery, how sad is that? Of course we don't actually PLAY the lottery, so that's not gonna happen, lol.
((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))))
lhamo
My boyfriend asked me the other day what I thought that their dad could do that I had not already done. I have 2 answers and one is to be a dad. I can never be that to them. And for my oldest, art school. College is scary and overwhelming and complicated enough without one parent without the funds to assist and another who just thinks you can go it totally alone. She really has the drrive and talent, but with whatever it is, personality or depression or how the world is getting more complicated every day, she does need support.
And thank you for the hugs, I know that no one meant anything but positives but i have a strong trait of beating up on myself. My new way to handle that is when i feel defensive or like i am going to start being too harsh to myself I step back and tell people I just need a hug. So thank you
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