It keeps getting more complicated [Archive]

frugalone

11-29-12, 5:47pm

Zoebird

11-29-12, 6:16pm

Can't comment right now, but I knowhow you feel. Will comment later. :)

frugalone

11-29-12, 6:55pm

Miss Cellane

11-29-12, 7:08pm

I just concentrate on the parts I like best. Decorating the tree. Baking Christmas cookies. Singing carols. Candlelight.

When it comes to presents, I look at wish lists. If I see something I can afford that I like, I buy it. If I don't, especially for kids, I buy something else, usually a book. The books are not a great hit on Christmas Day, but they do eventually get read and frequently are enjoyed. You do not have to give people something from their wish list if you don't want to.

Or, you could check with a kid's parents and find out if the parents are giving the kid the iPad. (In my family, no one but parents would be buying anything that expensive.) If they are, you can buy an accessory for the iPad, or a gift card to the Apple store so the kid can get the accessory.

And rude children, especially children who don't say thank you and write thank you notes for Christmas presents, sometimes find that no one likes them enough to give them more presents.

Most of the kids in my family are getting scarves I made for them. There are two kids I don't get to see a lot because of a nasty divorce, and I long ago came to terms with the fact that they just get money slapped into a card. I feel rotten about that, but they are very, very happy with it. (Their mother has thrown out my hand-made gifts in the past and made rude comments about things I've purchased for them. Just not worth the battle.)

There's also nothing wrong with sitting down at the computer, pulling out a credit card, spending half an hour on Amazon and calling it done. Amazon will even wrap the presents.

Frugalone, maybe you should speak up and suggest a change. If not for this year, then next year. It could be that the rest of your family thinks they have to do all this, and if you suggested cutting back, they would all be grateful.

frugalone

11-29-12, 7:26pm

Thanks for your reply, Miss Cellane.
I am trying to concentrate on the parts of the holiday season that I like. I am also doing a holiday scrapbook/journal, which I am very much looking forward to.

Yes, the boy's parents are getting him the iPad. I wholeheartedly disapprove (the kid has his nose in video stuff all the time and has since he could walk) and that's why I don't want to get him an iPad accessory. They do write thank you notes b/c their mother makes them do it. But they never call me or my partner, they don't send messages on Facebook, nothing. We might as well not be around. Although I have heard if we don't attend family gatherings, they ask where we are. That's something, I guess.

It just seems so meaningless to buy a gift card or give cash. My SO even thinks that lists are silly. He says it's like, You put down what you want, and I'll buy it, and I'll put down what I want, and you buy it. Why don't we just hand each other the money, or better yet, just buy the darned things for ourselves? :~)

I think also that I am struggling with the idea that whatever gift I give, it's going to be wrong somehow. And then I feel angry and unappreciated. I know I can't control others' feelings--as a child of an alcoholic, I'm really having a bad time with that concept.

Last year I told everyone we were not taking part in the gift exchange b/c we were both flat broke and unemployed for the past couple of years. I believe I even suggested others might appreciate a break from it all. Not only did no one appreciate the break, they went right ahead and exchanged gifts w/o us. We were not at dinner and I can only imagine how it might have felt to sit there while other people opened gifts in front of us.

From my other thread: This year, I thought I'd give it the old college try again. Try to give smaller gifts to my siblings instead of exchanging names, keep it simple. Now my brother, who is going through an ugly separation, begs poverty. My brother sends out this big email about how "he should have been consulted" about the gift exchange. Yeah, like he consulted me last year when I was unemployed and drawing money from my IRA just to pay my rent?

I still feel hurt despite trying to let go of past feelings...trying to forgive and forget...I keep allowing this stuff to whip me into a frenzy. I don't even particularly LIKE my brother right now, much less want to buy him a Christmas gift. Don't know how to resolve this or come up with a peaceful solution.

Sorry, I am rambling.

Kestra

11-29-12, 8:14pm

I think it's easier to just do no gifts - period. That way you don't have to decide if you should give to this person, but not that person. It gets too complicated. Many years ago I instituted a strict "no gift policy". I don't give gifts for any occasion to any person. Luckily my family isn't huge on gift giving, but it still took them a little while to get over it. A couple people still get me gifts, but that's their choice and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I do bend the rule for my mother-in-law - I do 50% with my husband and get 50% of whatever she gives us. I've never gotten my parents or siblings anything, except for special circumstances that aren't gifts, such as paying for my sister's flight to my wedding when she was broke. I "should" have got something when my brother had kids but I didn't. My husband stopped giving to his nieces/nephews when they were around 10, I think. They have tons of stuff and weren't grateful either. He stopped giving to his siblings when I showed up. His sister might give us something, but she's mostly stopped as well.

Also if you stop giving anything, that feeling about the gift being wrong, and the necessity to shop just goes away. It's so freeing. If I knew anyone who actually needed something, I'd be fine with buying it for them. I'm quite charitable. But most people I know have ample money or if they don't it's from their own doing.

Luckily, I don't get invited to weddings (very few close single friends) and the one time I did, only food (potluck) was requested and that's what I brought.

As far as feeling like you SHOULD want to take part, just say no! You feel what you feel. There is nothing wrong with that. I detest pretty much every aspect of every holiday. I skipped out on Thanksgiving with the in-laws this year, and it was great.
So, you're not alone in your dislike for this season.

iris lily

11-29-12, 8:59pm

OK, I want to apologize up front for going on and on about this.

But it's getting more complicated.

If you need background, please read my thread "It's beginning to look a lot like..."

I had pretty much decided to give gifts to mom and nieces and nephews and not my siblings.
Then I get a text from my brother saying "he and mom" bought a few gifts for our bro-in-law. According to my mother, now, Bro has decided, despite his page-long rant about how broke he is, to give gifts to the adults. I do not know how to describe how I feel but it is very negative.

I got the kids' lists. As usual, they are full of techno gadgets (what 12 year old needs an iPad? *I* don't even have a frickin' iPad) and expensive clothing items like UGGS. I'm sick of getting gift cards for the kids for every birthday and it's hard for me to pick out sports-team shirts for a kid I barely know.

I did order a CD for my mom as she likes music a lot. She's pretty easy to buy for.

I'm going to reiterate that I dislike shopping, dread the mall, have limited free time which I would rather spend on my own hobbies and my mess of a life/house/etc.

Yet I feel like I SHOULD want to take part in this ritual. And shouldn't I *want* to see my family at the holidays? But every year, it comes down to this: I look forward to it until the actual Xmas season kicks in and then I remember all the things I hate about it.

I hope I'm not babbling here. I KNOW, I'm supposed to get clear on what I want. And I thought I had decided that...and now "it's complicated."

Folks? I feel like crying here.

Edit: You know, if I felt like what I got the kids was really appreciated...it'd be different...but they're so spoiled...My nephew is downright rude to us at times...

More tough love coming, skip it if you are not up to it:

This is the same post you made recently, which is pretty much the same post you made last year. No additional information has been presented and it's not any more complicated this year than last (never fear, I understand that these things as a whole are complex in family relationships like yours over the Holidays--it's a minefield.)

Why does the fact that your brother bought presents make you feel negative? WHY? Your brother is a person who is separate from you. He can choose to spend holidays in the way he wishes. If he wishes to buy you a present, so be it. Must you reciprocate? hunh. Nope.

Your situation is exactly the same that many on this board have faced to some degree, Many..

I don't have unhappy relationships with my family, but wiggling out of holiday gifting frenzy and defining how I will spend holidays required negotiation, communication, and clarity as to what I wanted.

Honestly, you don't sound as though you want to do that work. There are consequences for that, one being how you feel now. Own it, it's your choice.

Look, I understand that life is not a series of black and white choices. But some things ARE binary: either you will buy relative X a present, or you will not. Either you will visit the home of your mother on a particular Holiday, or you will not. If these things consistently make you unhappy, why in the name of god are you continuing to do it?

iris lily

11-29-12, 9:06pm

Looking forward to it, Zoebird.

Get this: I just posted on Facebook that I hate Christmas shopping. My brother "liked" my comment. WTF?!

And a bunch of other friends "liked" and commented on it. OK, so if we all hate it, why are we doing it?

Because humans love playing the victim. With one exception* the most boring conversations I have with people happen about this time of year with people reciting long "Holiday To Do" lists. I just tune out, there is nothing that interests me in it.

*exception to above: the most boring conversation to be is someone reciting what they've been eating, each day, on a reducing diet.

frugalone

11-29-12, 9:14pm

Iris Lily, I'm OK with what you said. You're right. I just fear that I am somehow not a strong enough person to stand up and say "enough!" But what could happen, after all? They'll never speak to me again? I doubt it.

I never learned to negotiate, despite years of therapy. In some ways, it's easier for me to stop talking to people who offend me than to let them know how I feel. I need to change that.

BTW, the exception thing with the boring conversation? I think the worst is someone listing all their health issues, and how many pills they take a day, and how their stomach reacts to certain foods. TMI in some of that stuff, you know? >8)

mtnlaurel

11-29-12, 9:29pm

I am sorry you are having a rotten time of this. At least you are getting ahead of the curve on the yucky underbelly of all the gift-focus baloney that has little or nothing to do with this beautiful holiday.

Good thing is Advent doesn't even start until Sunday - that's my official kick off of the Christmas Holiday season.
So go ahead and just stew, stew, stew until Saturday at 11:59, get your strategy in order during that time and then Sunday at 12am just decide I am DONE with wasting brain power & emotional energy on this and I am going to have a Happy Holiday Season (dammit).....
Sing your buns off, bake yourself silly, go listen to Handel's Messiah, drive around to find the most obnoxiously lit up house, window shop in a quaint little boutique area and let yourself soak in interesting artsy things and beautiful window dressings, find a way to do something nice for someone that has less.

Then on holiday, dispense your thoughtful appropriately priced gifts for your budget.
Give everyone a big huge hug. Tell them you love them and Happy New Year!
And eat an extra big piece of holiday pie and call it good.

Definition of Insanity = Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

My interpretation of that in this instance... don't bow out of the gift giving if you have the $ and desire to do it, but don't let the 'stuff & things' highjack your holdiay cheer either.

Here is an inexpensive gift idea that I have wanted to do for many years, but have never made happen:
Collecting the family recipes and putting them in beautiful antique recipe boxes.

Zoebird

11-29-12, 9:33pm

I think on this in two ways.

First, I know what you mean. My sister is constantly complaining about being broke. Whether or not she actually is, I have no idea. I do know that they spend a lot of what they earn, and I don't fault them for what they do spend as they go. If their values aren't mine, that's ok.

But what is really frustrating is when my sister is complaining on one hand about not having enough money for X or Y, while simultaneously then telling me that she "got a good deal" on whatever BIL wanted for $300 or some such. Her average annual christmas budget -- including food for a big party that they throw -- is $2,000. As far as I know, broke people dont' spend that kind of money at christmas, but again, it's none of my business.

Second, the real issue comes in with the pressure by proxy.

Years ago, I basically stopped giving gifts and/or give gifts that cost under $20 per person because it was what I could afford. At the time, family complained about how much they were spending but not receiving back in equal value.

In my immediate family, I expressed that I was certain the holidays were not about the gifts given (or received) and their relative value. And that if it was a problem, then to not spend more than $20 on me, because I couldn't afford to spend more and wasn't going to go into debt based on an idea that I didn't actually hold to be true (that the value of gift equals extent of love/value of the person) or that a holiday *required* that much money to be spent simply because it's a certain designated day of the year.

My family was cool. They let it go, and haven't been too ticky since.

But my ILs got really bitter about it. Christmas/birthdays. . . "it's what you do!" And I told them time and again that I have no need of gifts, and while I am thankful for what they buy, their purchasing a gift for me does not obligate me to extend myself beyond my budget to buy a gift for them. Since they don't like me so much, it didn't go over well. DH just ignores it when they bring it up or "feels bad" and adequately "shamed" or whatever for them, and then they feel better and continue.

Most years, my SIL buys my ILs relatively expensive gifts -- even though she technically can't afford it either -- and so most years it's "SIL got us this! what did you get us? Oh, right. nothing." With a guilt trip underlaid. I don't bother to listen, because I've said my peace about it years ago. DH says 'Oh, that's nice." (as in, what she bought was nice.) and then says nothing as if to ignore their barb. I suppose that works.

Since we moved here, no one gets gifts from us. We do mail things back on occasion, but honestly, between the gifts and the mailing, it is still well beyond our budget. But, family has visited us and we have travelled -- which carries expenses beyond what we, ourselves, might have carried -- and we do plan a lot of events and things to do and pay our own way. And, we give those who have visited us gifts. But that's about it, really. And I spent $24 on gifts for my ILs this year. It's what we can afford.

I think that next year, we might be out of the loop altogether. DH and I don't ask for gifts, and we are specific in what we ask for in regards to DS, and we emphasize buying for him over us. They seem happy with that, so we're nearly out of the loop.

iris lily

11-29-12, 9:37pm

...I think the worst is someone listing all their health issues...

My friends are starting to have that conversation. We laugh about it but yet, there we are, reciting the list of ills. haha

iris lily

11-29-12, 9:46pm

Zoebird

11-29-12, 9:47pm

the worst, really, are people explaining complex relationships to you.

for example, when we would go to christmas dinner, Auntie (the matriarch at the time) would tell us all the news of everyone we didn't know, and before telling us the news (which is one or two sentences), she would describe all of the relationships that this person had. So, it woudl go something like this:

I got a letter from Iris Lilly, you'll remember that she was a student of library sciences at the university back in 1976, when I taught there as an assistant professor from 1975-1979. She had Lynette -- whom you will remember was at the university as an assistant professor from 1974 to 1981, and lived at the house down on Dodd street, next to James and Sarah, whose family owned the original land dating back to 1897. That land was then sub divided into the properties in and around Dodd street when the properties here were built, too --as that was a big boom time in our town and we had the cable car that could take us to town -- and well, it was lynette's brother who originally built the neighborhood, he was a very wealthy man who eventually owned the mansion over on Hamilton, that was then. . . .

(carry on a list of whom was related to whom for 20 minutes and where they lived and who their butcher was on tuesdays)

so, iris lilly was living at the watch factory, which was turned into student flats during that era in the 1970s and is currently being refurbished, and since lynette got sick that year, you'll remember it was due to . . .

(now begin long list of who was sick in 1976 and what they had and who their doctors were and where they lived and who bought flowers for said sick people and which sick people did and did not have manners due to a lack of thank you notes for said flowers)

. . .so I was Iris Lilly's mentor in that year. After graduating . . .

(now begin a long description of everywhere IL has lived and been in the past 20 years or so, whom she's related to, and whether or not she still has connections OTHER THAN Auntie in the town)

. . . and so I got the christmas letter this year. And I learned that she's dyed her hair red! Of all the things! Can you believe it? Red!

Seriously. And this was the entirity of conversation for HOURS and HOURS and HOURS.

I would much rather listen to someone describe their IBS symptoms in detail (which my sister does to whomever will listen. which is usually me. LOL).

Zoebird

11-29-12, 9:54pm

zoebird's story illustrates that with difficult family members, giving a gift or not giving has no bearing on their behavior. They will not be nice regardless of gifting (unless, of course, one gives ridiculously extravagant presents, and even then their gratitude and niceness will last just a short time.)

True.

Ultimately, I just have to be right with myself. Myself says that gift giving is fun when it is fun, and it is not fun when it is not fun. The obligatory gift giving is filled with pressure and not fun. Finding something that MIL will like in th emiddle of May and sending it to her is fun.

Trouble is, she has no idea how to react to these gifts. "Is this a christmas gift or a birthday gift? Either way, it's late!" In her world view, you don't just give random gifts. You wait until holidays/birthdays to give gifts, and that's that. So, who knows?

But I don't have to be right with her. I have to be right with myself. And so, I am. People get gifts from me when I'm thinking about them and see something that I think they'll like AND i can afford it and to send it to them. It's quite a hefty list to get a gift from me. And, more often than not, because I usually can't afford the gift or the shipping, I simply send them a "thinking of you" post card or card, and leave it at that.

And then everyone is like "whatever."

But at least I'm right with myself.

iris lily

11-29-12, 9:58pm

Zoebird

11-29-12, 10:19pm

LOL. :)

She's dead now. I did like her, but those "conversations" were killer. I never had any idea of whom she was speaking or where they lived or which butcher shop they went to -- becuase I had no history in her home town and didn't know the streets, nor did I know anyone from there other than DH's family. :)

SteveinMN

11-29-12, 10:32pm

My friends are starting to have that conversation. We laugh about it but yet, there we are, reciting the list of ills. haha
The humorist Sam Levensen called this "the organ recital": "Oh,my heart." "Oh, my kidneys." "Oh, my liver"....

Wildflower

11-30-12, 12:10am

Do what works for you, frugalone, and quit stressing, is my advice. :) You can't make everyone happy, so don't worry about it. I know, easier said than done....but I've come to this conclusion for my own Christmas as well.

Christmas is easy with just my DH, kids, son-in-laws, and grandkids. But my sister and DH's sister can throw a wrench in it everytime.... We just choose to ignore now and do what we as a family want to do. They are not worried about anyone else's feelings or happiness. Stirring up drama is their thing.... We just plain old skip it these days with no guilt!

ToomuchStuff

11-30-12, 6:08am

I think on this in two ways.

1 First, I know what you mean. My sister is constantly complaining about being broke. Whether or not she actually is, I have no idea. I do know that they spend a lot of what they earn, and I don't fault them for what they do spend as they go. If their values aren't mine, that's ok.

But what is really frustrating is when my sister is complaining on one hand about not having enough money for X or Y, while simultaneously then telling me that she "got a good deal" on whatever BIL wanted for $300 or some such. Her average annual christmas budget -- including food for a big party that they throw -- is $2,000. As far as I know, broke people dont' spend that kind of money at christmas, but again, it's none of my business.
2 At the time, family complained about how much they were spending but not receiving back in equal value.

3 But my ILs got really bitter about it. Christmas/birthdays. . . "it's what you do!" And I told them time and again that I have no need of gifts, and while I am thankful for what they buy, their purchasing a gift for me does not obligate me to extend myself beyond my budget to buy a gift for them. Since they don't like me so much, it didn't go over well. DH just ignores it when they bring it up or "feels bad" and adequately "shamed" or whatever for them, and then they feel better and continue.

4 DH says 'Oh, that's nice." (as in, what she bought was nice.) and then says nothing as if to ignore their barb. I suppose that works.

1. Similar, broke people complaining and then charging things, which they later complain about revolving debt. You can't help those who won't help themselves.
2. Had a similar experience. Being the lowest income in the family (now, everything is paid for, and they are still in debt), it was weird hearing how I needed to spend (for example) $50 per person, yet they, as a couple only needed to buy one gift for me at that same range.
3. LOL, so is jumping off a cliff. Peer pressure or ad's that skew what a holiday is supposed to be, same thing.
4. Mrs Browns boys elocution lessons came to mind when I read that (NSFW video can be found on Youtube). Did you get him some?

Frugalone, didn't I read that he is sponging off your mother, in another thread? Did she just add his name to the gift? Either way, it is their business and your only asking for a fight and to get your ego bruised, by worrying about it and getting involved.

citrine

11-30-12, 8:38am

I can empathize with you frugalone. My stepsons are spoiled by their mom and her family. It is hard for them to understand that they will be getting a limited amount of gifts (some cash and a present) rather than a free for all. Now mind you, they don't even call their father on a regular basis or get him or myself any cards but they have this sense of "entitlement" that just drives me nuts!
We have set a limit on the amount we are spending $600 for gifts for everyone and $200 to have people over for a ham dinner on Christmas. If they don't like it, their problem and not ours. Family is the biggest trigger for feeling less than or trying to fit it....but really, they are not going to help you pay for the debt when the bills come in!

iris lily

11-30-12, 9:43am

Just a note about gifts to nieces and nephews: DH always sent $5 in a birthday card to his nieces and nephews. He did that until recently. These "kids" are now electrical, chemical, mechanical engineers and IT professionals and they are making a whole whopping lot more money than DH. At the point where they got grownup jobs I thought it was ridiculous, but ridiculous-funny, you know? "Funny" in the way of life and that humans are funny in that DH loves tradition, his nephews probably think WTF? about dear old unc.

I think it was sweet and odd that DH continued to send them this little present.

miradoblackwarrior

11-30-12, 9:52am

Frugalone--
I agree that it is time to put a line in the sand. The world has changed too much, and if the kids are asking for gadgets that you can't afford, maybe they aren't really kids anymore. My point is that there is more pleasure in watching a little kid (or a dog--that's fun!) open up a gift of a ball or a doll than there is some kid with dollar signs in his eyes, looking for the latest glitzy gadget. Perhaps this is the year to have "The Talk", draw your line, and stick to it. You may not be the only one in your family who is dismayed by the gifting issues. I used to shop all year long for my siblings, we had The Talk, and now everyone can just relax, enjoy each others company, maybe contribute to the meal. No hassels, no tension.

Susan

SteveinMN

11-30-12, 11:27am

if the kids are asking for gadgets that you can't afford, maybe they aren't really kids anymore
I just wanted to note that, as a kid, when I was asked to "write down what you want Santa to bring you", I drew well outside the lines and requested things like a TV or even a car (I wanted a BMW long before they were cool). I knew I was never going to see any of those things. But it was what I wanted and it was a fun exercise (cf. the thread elsewhere on this site on "Powerball madness". What's the harm in asking -- unless every item on the list was in the same price category as an iPad?

As for the situation at hand, I agree that it is no more complicated than it was in the OP's earlier post. Go along (again) and suffer the attendant emotional and financial stresses and hate the holiday season. Or draw the line, which, it appears, will result in different emotional stress but will remove the financial stress. Personally, I would not bother with "The Talk" since it appears many in the family are acting unconsciously -- and raising their consciousness right now probably will not get the reception you want it. Just do your thing as firmly and graciously as possible. You don't owe people explanations, you don't owe them equivalency in gifts, and you don't owe them your life. If others find that stand appealing, you'll have company. If not, at least you have you and your principles. You're the one you see in the mirror every morning.

frugalone

11-30-12, 2:28pm

This thread is getting funnier and funnier! I had a neighbor once who used to ramble on about people I didn't even KNOW and she did it in a manner as if I DID know who they were. To this day, I still don't know who she was talkin' about!

Toomuchstuff, yes, my brother is living w/my mom during his separation from his family and isn't paying her any rent etc. My mom said even SHE doesn't know what his gift-giving intentions are this year--that he is so emotionally wound up he changes his mind every day of the week about what he is doing in life.

Yep, I'm gonna think about this long and hard, and then make my decisions...I need some peace big time.

Float On

11-30-12, 3:33pm

Well...we've survived 4 years now of not getting involved in the big gift exchange with DH's family. We still get boxes in Dec with gifts for all of us....from all of them. Outside our children we only buy for his mom and my parents. So far....no one has shot us or made snide comments. If they continue to choose to give us gifts...so be it.

decemberlov

11-30-12, 3:56pm

I just wanted to note that, as a kid, when I was asked to "write down what you want Santa to bring you", I drew well outside the lines and requested things like a TV or even a car (I wanted a BMW long before they were cool). I knew I was never going to see any of those things. But it was what I wanted and it was a fun exercise (cf. the thread elsewhere on this site on "Powerball madness". What's the harm in asking -- unless every item on the list was in the same price category as an iPad?
.

I agee Steve, what's the harm in asking. You knew know until you ask! lol I had my little one write up her list 2 weeks ago. She had an ipad on there like I'm sure most kids her age do (she's 10) however included on the list were a new pair of pj's and "super fuzzy" socks. I'm pretty sure she knows she will not be getting that ipad but it's worth a try! :laff:

Zoebird

11-30-12, 4:58pm

IrisLily,

I'm down with that tradition. In my husband's family, his grandmother sends a card with $1 for each year. Dh got $40 this year! LOL But we joked that it was $40 AMERICAN which meant it was about $56. LOL

It's a great, simpe tradition.

awakenedsoul

11-30-12, 5:43pm

When I used to go home for Christmas, my sister in law would give me this huge bag of stuff. I was low income, and I would give she and my brother something simple, like a calendar, or box of note cards. I knew they like those dog cartoons from the New Yorker, so I would get those half price at T.J.Maxx. I bought my mom a Laura Ashley blanket that she used for her yorkie. She loved it. I got my dad some Christmas dishtowels. (He does the dishes every night.) Anyway, I didn't spend much at all, but I couldn't even afford that at the time. Plus, I was driving eight hours each way and very exhausted from my teaching job. I hated sitting there opening all of those gifts from my SIL. I always felt like she was trying to show how much money she made. My father would make comments about how little money I made. Now, my SIL and brother are underwater on their mortgage, (by $200,000.) in cc debt, and she is out of work. So, even though it was humiliating and uncomfortable back then, I'm so glad I didn't succomb.

I don't give gifts to anyone in my family but my parents anymore. I make them pot holders, dishcloths, and buy them things they like from Costco: uniball pens, Smokehouse almonds, gummy bears, etc...I also make things like granola, lemon bars, and dog biscuits. They love all this, and I don't even notice the expense. I buy year round at Costco and save the stuff for gifts.

I'm also not close to my brothers anymore, and we don't get together at Christmas. My parents leave. They actually invited me to join them in Carmel this Christmas!

If I were you I would just make everyone a bookmark and a card. One year my brother made us each a music CD, and I really liked that gift. Oh, and I am now debt free, my cottage and car are paid off, and I live on much less than when I was working. It paid off in the end!