How to deal with jealosy... vent, I guess

[frugal-one]

Well, I will be retiring in a few days and have found myself not telling others about my "BIG EVENT". I feel the resentment and jealousy. Those that I do relay my good news to are ones I feel will actually be happy for me. The responses have been mixed. One group I belong to made reference to how rich I am (financially). My response was "Are you talking about ME?" The gal who cleans my teeth thought I was already retired and did not give me the "freebies" the other hygienists give out ?? During our discussion, when I told her I was not retired her whole demeanor changed (wtf) AND she then gave me the things that should be given out. I am not a jealous person and am really having a hard time understanding this. :confused: Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better.

[kib]

The conclusion I've come to after being retired for quite a long time is that people who get envious will be envious. It's just how it is. You have something they would like to have and don't. It doesn't really matter what you went through to get it or what sort of lifestyle you live to keep it, how generous you are with what you have, or how grateful you are for your opportunities and good fortune. It doesn't really matter if you lay out a plan for them of how they might do it too. Some people simply have that response in their repertoire: I want what you have, I don't have it, therefore I have some bad feelings toward you, along with a generous helping of schadenfreude when things don't go your way. I don't think people actually Like feeling those feelings, but they seem to be wired in to many.

I've found that what works best for me when people ask what I do is to divert the question a little bit. To use it as an opportunity to find common ground and perhaps make a connection, rather than focusing on my financial status: "I'm retired, my life is sort of a sustainability experiment right now so I'm doing a lot of gardening - do you garden?" or "I'm retired, I'm doing a lot of reading about heart disease research right now, it just fascinates me" or "I used to work in law". (I don't personally use that one because I hated my job, but if you liked yours, that works too.)

If I really don't care about making a connection, I just smile and say I'm retired. I think at this point people assume I'm retired because I'm married, which couldn't be further from the truth, but explaining that just compounds the issue. The bottom line is, their negative feelings are their problem, not mine. What I mostly say to myself is, "I understand wanting to have what I have, I like having it, too!" A little empathy, but no defensiveness. If it means I get fewer free toothbrushes, that's OK. ;)

[goldensmom]

Congratulations on your impending retirement. When I filed my final papers to retire I was so happy I couldn't quit smiling and 'walking on air' and that was 6 months before my last day. I could not keep it a secret, I wanted to answer the telephone by saying, 'Hello this is.....and I am retiring'. What others thought of my decision for my life was of absolutely no consequence to me. So what if some are jealous - if you are not a jealous person yourself then you won't understand it because it is not in you to do so.....and that's a good thing.

[Crystal]

Share! Tell! Even the envious ones will be inspired. :) Just do it and have fun.

[kally]

I also think there is a bit of a culture around acting like you are jealous, even when you aren't really. When told she was retiring my friend received a lot of "ooh you lucky dog, I am so jealous". They didn;t really really mean it, just sort of commenting.

[chanterelle]

I had many varied reactions to my retirement at 52, but only one was jealous...this from a cousin who is a sad, bitter sort of person and I just fell sorry for her rather than pay her any mind.

My former co-workers were very worried that as a single woman I would end up eating cat food if not my cats!!! Some of them actively tried to talk me out of it until I gave them copies of YMOYL. Not only were they calmer but 2 of them were inspired enough to turn around thier finances!!

The most common reaction was/is to find me another job!! I grew up in, and still reside within a community where "What!!?? you only have 2 jobs??!!" is the mantra. Holding 2 fulltime and several odd jobs is very common. I myself did this for many, many years when I was young.
Invariably they will try to set me up with someone's relative/friend/neighbor who could find me work for the 3 hours you slept late on the weekend.... 7 years later they are still trying!! old habits die hard!!
Enjoy you happiness and send peace to those who cannot understand. Congratulations!!

[ chanterelle, formerly earlyretiree]

[loosechickens]

yeah, sometimes people use that "Ooh....I'm jealous" to really mean, "good for you", but for the other kind, you just have to realize that some people are infected with the disease of envy and jealousy (and it IS really almost a disease, and often out of the control of the person who's feeling it), and just go on with your life.

Some may be helped by an explanation of how you managed to do it, and if someone asks you, feel free to detail the simple living and other frugalities that led to you being able to retire early, but for most, who will envy what you have but not be willing to make the hard choices to achieve it, just smile and move on.

I had a friend, and her stock comment when someone asked her what she did, she just smiled brightly and said, "Oh, I'm a free lance person" and left it at that. It nicely covered the period when she was a SAHM and also later on in life, when she retired from working at an outside job.

edited to add, since I saw chanterelle's post: Since we "dropped out" at 42 and 50, up until recently, when I guess we look "old enough" to be retired, we've spent much of our time fending off job offers. Pretty much every place my sweetie has ever volunteered tried to get him to stay on in a paid position, and while for some years we did take on some short term paid work, it always seemed like the "work world" abhorrs a vacuum of folks out there (loose chickens), free and unencumbered, and does it's best to bring them back into the fold.

Now that we are both over sixty (and one of us, me, is pushing seventy), not so much. That work world seems to accept that "retirement" is an appropriate place for us to be, although my sweetie is still sometimes plagued with job offers.

He volunteered every year for a few months when we were in the area, at an organic garden and orchard near where we're staying in southern CA. This past year they managed to talk him into a paid position. It lasted about a month before he quit and went back to volunteering. There was just something different about having to show up at a specified time and work at what they wanted him to do, as opposed to him wandering over there at nine o'clock in the morning, and doing pretty much whatever useful he wanted to do and that looked like fun, and taking his "pay" in free organic fruits and veggies........

[frugal-one]

Ahh... thank you for the comeback retorts! That is what I need!

[pinkytoe]

I get the same reaction when I say I work part-time - so much so that I don't even mention it unless I have to. I am a little envious of the last remaining co-worker from my original circle who will retire next year as I have a few more to go. Mostly I will just miss having her around.

[Glo]

When I retired 4 years ago, I never experienced jealousy. The " you're so lucky, I'm jealous" was good-nature fun. I actually have friends that work because they want to and not for the money. Maybe its an age thing--you get more jealousy if you retire young. I was 59 when I retired.

[frugal-one]

Yes, I am retiring young! That may be the issue and also that I have access to reasonable health insurance. All I can say is that I am doing the "HAPPY DANCE"!

[Bill]

I am early retired and haven't noticed any jealousy among my friends. Well maybe a little bit from my cycling friends when I'm out riding on a beautiful day and they're stuck at work. Then I get a little good nature ribbing. I do love the freedom!

[babr]

congrats. on your retirement and i hear where you are coming from; i have a sister who is jealous when i tell her we are going on another trip; but hey we saved and saved; and she did the opposite; as i read your note i decided i am going to tell her straight out, as opposed to feeling bad that we are going on another trip; think what she might; we made/make different choices

[reader99]

Once whne DH and I went on a cruise (quite affordable since we didn't drink, gamble or shop), a coworker expressed envy. I told her that all I had to do was NOT get my car detailed 20 times and there's the cruise money. She got hers done by a service that came to our workplace and did cars while the owner worked. Until last year I had never gotten a car detailed.

It's a question of what's most important/interesting to each individual, and it really is true that you can't have everything.

[Mrs-M]

The heck with everyone! Retirement is a GRAND milestone! Such a freeing experience- so treat it as just that. (Allow no one rain on your parade). By the way congratulations!!!

[flowerseverywhere]

first congratulations.

I did the very frugal thing for years so I could help my kids with college and retire early. My SIL, who was constantly buying things on E-bay and home shopping networks, at the malls, driving a new car and going out to eat was the huffy one. Her kids will have really big loans, they have little in the way of retirement and still have car payments and a mortgage. She somehow feels like a victim with no connection between her spending habits and her life situation.

What works for me is to be kind, ignore any remarks, and focus my energy to improving my physical and mental health. I do a little part time work but for the most part am able to read, sew, garden and exercise. Retired life is good and I hope you enjoy it.

[frugal-one]

THANKS ALL!

It is interesting flowerseverywhere your SIL sounds just like my MIL. She does not approve of me retiring. She doesn't say so but it is evident. She is now in her 80s and still trying to outdo and keep up with the Joneses. I try to be decent to her, ignore her nasty remarks and am GRATEFUL I don't live closer! lol

[danna]

I told all my coworkers all at the same time I was retiring; and a cheer and applause was given all around. They were mostly younger and a few older...
As much as they were pleased for me there were lots of "wish it was my time" and "will be glad when I can go"
Only onr 42 year old that spends way too much, goes on vacation serveral times a year etc. sounded really jealous and whined about being sure she would never be able to retire
because she was not rich like me....I just laughed..

[bke]

I for one, find this thread to be inspiring! Retirement (otherwise known as freedom to me) is just about the biggest goal in my life at the moment. Congrats to you and don't let anyone reduce the pleasure and pride of being able to provide for yourself.

[frugal-one]

Today was the day of the "retirement party". It was very nice. I expected to just go out to lunch but they had a few gifts too. The highlight was a gift given to my husband. They have him a box full of bags of "Belly Flops"! These are, if you do not know, imperfect Jelly Belly jelly beans from the factory here. He loves them! The coworker who brought them remembered me asking him if he had an assignment near there and if he would pick up a few bags. They also gave me a large tea cup with lid and liner which I really enjoy. It was surprising how well they knew what I would like. I also wrote a note yesterday to my boss's boss and the boss above informing them what a nice guy he was. My supervisor was really happy I did this (his eyes just shone and he really thanked me). So... I have a few days next week to clean things out and I am done. I feel I ended it on a pleasant note to all. I have no regrets and am truly happy to begin the next phase of my life!!! Thanks to all here who listened to my vent and offered suggestions!

[pinkytoe]

Well congrats! The one thing that I notice about my retired co-worker friends is that they gradually disappear into their new world and forget about the rest of us who continue working. I guess I might do that too when or if that day ever gets here...

[bke]

My sincere congratulations as well. I think its really special that you took the time to acknowledge your boss in that way. Good deeds/people deserve recognition. Lord knows we all hear about it when we make mistakes!

Enjoy this new phase of life to its fullest!

[Life_is_Simple]

This is a cool and inspiring thread!:+1:

[Wildflower]

Congrats, frugal-one! We had forced early retirements due to health problems, and the company DH worked for going bankrupt. So, actually, everyone was happy for us that we no longer had to work, and DH had enough time in at his job that he was able to receive a small pension. I have to say our money is tight, but we are enjoying our retirement so much! I know you will enjoy yours as well! :)