Am I a loser or am I doing what's best for the planet? [Archive]

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SorrowNoMore

2-25-13, 2:12pm

MamaM

2-25-13, 2:25pm

No, you sound like you are being you. :)

Gardenarian

2-25-13, 2:33pm

Are you happy now? What lights your inner fire? Pursue that, and disregard what others think. It may be that you someday want to have a family of your own or maybe you want to travel the world by sailboat. Who knows?

Tussiemussies

2-25-13, 2:38pm

Hi Sorrow, I firmly believe there is no such thing as what is termed a loser. :). We are all wonderful people living out our lives doing what is right for us. It just sounds like you are at a crossroad right now and mulling over your choices...I don't have any answers, but I hope you find what is best for you.

So glad you dived into the boards here, it will be great to have your perspective on topics! Christine

ApatheticNoMore

2-25-13, 2:44pm

Hi, guys, I'm a longtime lurker and decided to finally ring the door bell. By most societal standard definitions I would be considered a loser. I live with my parents and I'm almost in my mid 30's. I'd like to say that I have no desire to procreate and have the conventional American "dream" of 2.5 children, a mortgage, a cushy job, and 2 cars.

Life is complex and many people end up living with their parents at some time (even if just to caretake them in old age! life is complex yes ... it's no fairy tale). However I think the experience of living outside the parental home and not living with parents is very valuable. I think everyone should have it for a few years, even if they move back to go back to school, to caretake, after extreme bad financial luck etc.. I know some cultures are more into the multigenerational thing, it's not bad necessarily, but I do think the experience of having some time on one's own first is valuable nontheless, even if it is very western of me :).

I'm interested in living a simple life free of debt and mass consumption, but a part of me wants the conventional life of happiness which comes from starting your own family.

For some people that brings happiness, I doubt it does for everyone.

I've studied enough socio-bilogy to know that I'm just following my natural urges when I express my desire to have the standard life; I'm not sure how to arrive at a state of balance with my conscience.

I don't know that people come with a natural urge to reproduce. Most people come with a natural sexual urge, but I'm more skeptical that there is any build in urge to reproduce as such, and it's well known that it is now possible to have one without the other. :) But anyway I think a lot of things are getting combined here, you don't of course need to become the mcmansion and suv type, no matter what choices you make in life (moving out or not, having kids or not having them etc.). If the concern is overpopulation, and it's a real issue to be concerned about, then yes you might want to limit how many kids you have, maybe only have one (there are examples of that here on this board), you could of course raise kids in the most environmentally responsible fashion possible (plenty of examples of that here) - although I think if you are having a lot of kids that tends to negate this environmentally just because of the sheer population impact. If you are afraid of being dragged into the rat race because of kids, that's totally valid, having a family to support keeps many people in jobs they otherwise wouldn't be in!!! There are possible workarounds, heck running away and joining a commune and raising your kids there if you are real experimental, but they aren't that easy to find.

SteveinMN

2-25-13, 8:06pm

I'm interested in living a simple life free of debt and mass consumption, but a part of me wants the conventional life of happiness which comes from starting your own family. I've studied enough socio-bilogy to know that I'm just following my natural urges when I express my desire to have the standard life; I'm not sure how to arrive at a state of balance with my conscience.
Welcome to the board, SNM!

I don't think I'd use the word "loser" to describe your station in life at the moment if it's what you want or being here for now gets you further down the path toward what you want in life. You are living an atypical existence, but that doesn't make you a loser. If the longer-term goal is starting your own family, though, you probably are looking at some bigger changes, like moving to a place in which you can raise your family. And there are many people on this board who are raising families (or have done so) without falling into the SUV/McMansion trap. Stick around and I'm sure you'll run into some food for thought. :)

ApatheticNoMore

2-25-13, 8:10pm

Hey I didn't realize the "NoMore" nick was so popular :). Especially as I just kind of came by it by accident (not nearly as serious as it sounds). You're welcome to it though.

iris lily

2-25-13, 10:50pm

Hey op, I think Gardenarian's advice is so great: what excites you? pursue that! If you have the financial resources to do so, got for it.

Look, my DH lived with his parents until his mid-30's. He was fully employed, traveled a lot, had lots of woodworking and car repair projects. He was pretty much too shy to date girls very often. haha. But he saved a ton of money, bought rental properties, helped his family on their farm, and was very productive. His mother thought he should get out at meet women! and get married! And have babies! Finally in his mid-20th he went back to grad school and met me!

He's had a couple of careers in his life, but he is now self-employed using those woodworking and home-fix-it skills that he learned when he was in his 30's.

ctg492

2-26-13, 7:56am

welcome,
I don't think there is a standard dream for all. I strive to learn through reading blogs,posts and articles on the net the differences in how each and everyone lives. What I have found is what appears to be the Conventional Dream as you stated, is not always as it appears from the outside looking in. A home is not always a debt of a mortgage, it can be paid in full at closing along with every other purchase. You have been given a great oportunity to save and be debt free for your future. You are not a loser!
p.s. Cushy Job, umm what is that? It would not be called work if it was cushy ;)

catherine

2-26-13, 9:11am

A loser is someone who sells their soul for glitter.

Jill

2-28-13, 9:12am

Welcome!

part of me wants the conventional life of happiness which comes from starting your own family. I've studied enough socio-bilogy to know that I'm just following my natural urges when I express my desire to have the standard life; I'm not sure how to arrive at a state of balance with my conscience.

Hmmm.... Have you thought about getting a cat? ;)

citrine

2-28-13, 11:20am

I would have lived with my parents if it was not a dysfunctional environment...I think it is great that you are able to live there, take care of them, and save money. When or if the time comes for you to move to the next phase, you will be well prepared :) I don't think you are a loser at all.

sylvia

5-13-13, 10:39am

HI Sorrownomore! I am intrigued by your questions. At some point in your life you have to ask those questions. You will get your answer one way or another. I think a loser is someone who is not living a genuine life or at least not willing to improve their life and go around hurting others with their irresponsible actions. Simple living is like an onion, you ask questions and layers start peeling off .It's taken me 7 years actively questioning my motives and it may not look like change has not dramatically happened on the outside -yet inside I am much happier with my life, I have a deep interior life.The biggest turning point for you seems that you have overcome those societal expectations, but that should not label you a loser. Deadbeats , criminals are losers. Yet even they have a second chance to change things-they chose not to. That's a loser. The good news in life is that we have a choice to change things-even the smallest littlest change is a change. It is a personal evolution.I am glad you put out this thread for us and you are in the perfect place since many of us are feeling the same way-welcome and enjoy the journey!