PDA

View Full Version : Aging with grace.... life transitions



mattj
2-21-11, 6:16pm
At 42 I'm finally willing to listen to my elders, at least I'm attempting to. This is a half step towards that goal. Since none of you are related to me I'm less likely to rebel against your advice.

Anyhow, I'm looking for tips, from older men especially (happy to listen to tips from women too though) about growing older, changing roles etc. I've gotten to the point now where some of my aches and pains hang around indefinately instead of the occaisional visit, it takes 2 or 3 days to recover from a hangover now, I've had as many kids as I want, etc.

I've seen fear, bitterness and cynicism sneak into the lives of some of my loved ones as they've aged and would prefer to avoid that.

Bill
2-21-11, 9:09pm
It's all about attitude which you alone have control of. Stay healthy and be happy it's a choice. At 57 I'm happier now than I think I've ever been.

kevinw1
2-21-11, 9:42pm
Keep growing, changing, learning new stuff.

Learn your body's quirks and work around them.

Don't get stuck in a rut.

Fawn
2-21-11, 9:48pm
Matt- I'm female and sorta your elder...51 years...what precious little I know from hangin out with dying people is:

you can focus on what sucks in your life or you can focus on what gives you joy, even if it is only
~the voice of your grandchildren over the phone
~watching the exercise ladies on TV
~flirting with the hospice nurse
~sitting on the deck you built before you got sick and watching the geese pooping in your backyard
~being stylist for your senior daughter's photos, even though you can't get out of bed.
~rocking w/ your mom on the front porch swing
~sitting w/ your siblings and telling stories about what "you got away with"
~when your brother the Nazarene preacher calls to tell you that the "Lord loves you" even though you haven't been to church since you were 18-hanging up on him.
~taking a hit off the scotch straight up that someone snuck to you as your liver disease drags you under

You get the idea.

razz
2-21-11, 10:11pm
Female voice here. Be grateful for every good thing going on in your life, look for challenges to help you grow mentally/emotionally, keep active physically, serve others in some way that fits with your values, try to learn something new every day.

Anne Lee
2-21-11, 10:18pm
Female. I'm finding the usual stuff about eating right, exercising and what not applies. Good undergarments help too. IIRC correctly your kids are still pretty young. The empty nest is looming and I get teary eyed and mopey just like everyone else... and then I have a glass of wine and DH and I start talking about our post-young-children life. It's important to have things you want to achieve, I think.

Oh, and good a good skin regimen. With lots of water.

mattj
2-22-11, 12:33am
oh man, i wish there was a SL forum booth at the end of the block I could go to and get a hug from all of you before my morning coffee.

mattj
2-22-11, 1:56am
argh, my timing is... just.... ahhhh... I stayed w/ my wife after she fessed up to swapping email/phone w/ an ex for most of our marriage. I just found out that my former best friend traded in his former wife for a "newer model". Oh man, I just don't know where to turn. Am I the only one who values family? I feel so alone right now.

Fawn
2-22-11, 6:11am
argh, my timing is... just.... ahhhh... I stayed w/ my wife after she fessed up to swapping email/phone w/ an ex for most of our marriage. I just found out that my former best friend traded in his former wife for a "newer model". Oh man, I just don't know where to turn. Am I the only one who values family? I feel so alone right now.

Too much raw in that sentence to address in a public forum, but here's your pre-coffee hug

((((((mattj)))))

earthshepherd
2-22-11, 7:28am
52 year old female, married with three grown kids, no grandkids yet but looking forward to those days:

1. Generic List
*slow down, enjoy the good things in life, and don't apologize for it
*accept who you are and how you are and don't apologize for it
* accept your spouse and kids just as they are, and enjoy them
* everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with them (or even listen, sometimes)
* learn to say "no" to obligations that drag you down and "yes" to dreams that give you joy and fulfillment
* make every day a celebration of something
* eat healthy, exercise regularly, and get enough rest.

2. Specific List
*drink coffee and chat with sister online every morning
*grow a big garden
*read, write, pray every day
*learn at least one new thing every year
*always live with cats.

junco
2-22-11, 7:59am
argh, my timing is... just.... ahhhh... I stayed w/ my wife after she fessed up to swapping email/phone w/ an ex for most of our marriage. I just found out that my former best friend traded in his former wife for a "newer model". Oh man, I just don't know where to turn. Am I the only one who values family? I feel so alone right now.


Matt, live consistently with YOUR values.

Hugs to you.

Kat
2-22-11, 9:00am
Fair warning--I am female and young-ish (28). But I teach Adult Development to older adult students (in their 40s and 50s) and what we generally come up with is something like this:

Sometimes people feel depressed about middle age; they feel as though they've experienced all the fun they are going to have and that "it's all downhill from here"

BUT middle age is actually a wonderful time of life because:

--you begin to reap the benefits of your hard work
--you finally know who you are (and have stopped apologizing for it)
--the focus is back on you (kids are grown or at least more independent); you can do what you want and, if you are married, this can be an incredibly romantic time
--your wisdom and experience is appreciated by others

They have told me the most important thing to aging well is generativity and continuous growth and improvement.

Also, if anyone is interested in the aging process, George Valliant wrote an excellent book called "Aging Well." In it, he examines the results of a Harvard longitudinal study that followed over 800 people from adolescence to old age. It's a fascinating read!

Anne Lee
2-22-11, 9:46am
Big hug here too.

mattj
2-22-11, 10:23am
Kat, I am still apologetic about me. Think that's the big thing for me right now. Having trouble owning/being okay with who I am.

Zigzagman
2-22-11, 10:38am
Dude - I feel you ;) Wait until you get to be 60, that is a real thought pondering moment (I just turned 60).

Most of my adult life was a blur. It seems that I awoke at 50 and wondered how I got where I was.

Get on a regular strenous exercise program and do it almost everyday. Find something that is convienent, like walking, maybe jogging, a sport, etc and just make yourself do it for at least a year and you will be amazed at the changes both physically and mentally.

Trust your intuition - life teaches us all things but we tend to not trust ourselves. I think your post shows that you are ready for change of some sort so that is positive. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy everyday and don't let others stop you.

If you have already done the above then I recommend Jack Daniels and weed!! :0!

Peace

SiouzQ.
2-22-11, 11:14am
Great thread, thanks for bringing it up Matt ~ I am 49 (female) and am currently sitting back,contentedly taking stock of things and laying low. I am observing all my relationships with my friends and family, acknowledging my faults and peculiarities, and the choices I've made in the past and really finally seeing how I got to this point. I think I am finally accepting certain parts of my personality (like being a loner) and it is sooooo much better than to try to fight against who I really am and what I am naturally comfortable with. I have decided I am not going to waste any more time doing things I think I "should" do and rather do the things that promote my health and well-being.

Specific things:
1. started going to the gym in early January and go at least 3 - 4 per week. I am really feeling the benefits in so many ways!
2. Quit going out all the time, which in turn keeps me from smoking and drinking too much. Now when I do it, I really, really feel the consequences and I find I really don't like feeling sh**** the next day. It wastes my time!
3. Make sure I get enough sleep! My insomnia and terrible mood swings were caused by sleep deprivation that had gone on for years by too much going out, playing music, drinking and smoking. Now that I rarely do that anymore, I have normal sleep patterns (last night I got nine hours!)

The point is, really taking care of my bodily needs is taking care of my mind and moods as well ~ I am letting go of certain ideas and expectations but now I am free and healthy enough to pursue new ones. I think that means I am finally growing up and taking responsibilty.

I think the forties and fifties are kind of a fascinating time in ones life ~ for me it feels like a second adolescence!

pinkytoe
2-22-11, 11:52am
42 sounds really young to me now but...I am also amazed by the difference between how I felt being 50 and now 56. I think my early 40s were some of my rockiest because I was right in the middle of that flux where you are trying to live society's goals and figure out your own true happiness. I look at younger people, my children included, and feel a little sorry that they have to run that treadmill to figure things out. Now that some health issues cleared up that kept me down for about 7 years, I am really enjoying this time of life. It is totally unexpected but I feel far better now than I have at any age in my life. I think ultimately that aging gracefully for either sex is about acceptance and gratitude for what is. The only thing I am having trouble with (as a female) is losing my physical attractiveness as I age, but am slowly accepting the fact that I had my chance at being young and gorgeous and those days are past. I work now on maintaining my health and interest in learning new things.

bagelgirl
2-22-11, 1:22pm
Matt, I could be wrong but I'm wondering if you aren't still struggling over the emotional infidelity of your wife. Don't assume that pain will go away quickly and that trust will be restablished immediately. Maybe you need more time to grieve that or maybe you're still not trusting her and that's why you feel alone.

Pinkytoe, I'm 62 and understand completely the loss of physical attractiveness with age. It's so hard on women. My face is aging but my mantra is "look damn good for 62". So I keep my weight in line and buy new clothes, and get regular haircuts. In other words, I try to be a good looking old broad.

mattj
2-22-11, 1:45pm
Bagelgirl... that whole thing w/ my wife really got me going on my own personal growth again. We went through bankruptcy several years ago and I think of it in the same vein. If we are doing what we need to do now it doesn't matter. You know what, just as I'm typing this I'm remebering a tussle we had just recently about money... the problem was that she thought it was just about money and I saw it as a much bigger thing.

Who am I trying to kid... it does still hurt. Things have gotten much better with us but it's still something that affects me. I did therapy for a bit but I don't have anyone close to me that I can trust to just talk about it. I do keep blaming myself for what happened... but, it's more than that.... I didn't feel whole before all of that... it just brought MY issues into the light.

mattj
2-22-11, 1:55pm
Okay, since I'm baring my soul here.... I keep thinking back to a time frame in high school, and one person. He was symbolic of how I was treated in sports/gym class. He was mean and a bully and he constantly verbally abused me. I had one brief moment of insight when I realized that I was "better" than him when the split times for a swim meet relay race were posted. But, it was under the cloud of his language... I remember it mostly during softball games at gym class... his constant beratement. I really turned into myself at the point.. now that I think about it I'm pretty sure that's about the same time I started drinking and using drugs regularly. This was one of a few times where I "decidede" that it wasn't ok to be a man because men were cruel... Yet, I am a man, so I carried shame with me, and still do because of the behavior of a few jerks/assholes. Wow, this is really helping me.... I'm getting so much out of bouncing this stuff off of you.

Anne Lee
2-22-11, 2:23pm
Women aren't any better than men. I'm sure many women here have Mean Girl stories. In a way, I'm thankful for the Mean Girls because I think I'm more compassionate than I would have been otherwise.

And since this is the internet and I'm only dealing with a very limited perspective, I'll just put this out there not knowing if it applies or not. I don't know what your substance use is like but if you are using might I suggest a period of sobriety. Whatever relief the substance gives you isn't real. You have to walk through some pain at some point. Believe me I understand in a deep and visceral way the desire to just check out for a few hours so you don't have to feel or think. 'Cept you don't stop thinking or feeling. Not really.

mattj
2-22-11, 2:52pm
Women aren't any better than men. I need this to be my mantra. I need to repeat it over and over. You are right, you are right, you are right. I became a man that always thought of women as fragile/victims and I was either the hero or the villain. I think my wife's affair, more than anything, helped me realize that badness isn't just a guy thing. Still adjusting.

reader99
2-22-11, 3:42pm
2XDH had a big resistance to aging, and ended up trashing our life because of it.

Main thing - be GLAD you no longer 'have to' or can be expected to do all the same things you did 20 years ago. The physical slowing down is complemented by a spiritual focus and a greater ability to relate to other people in a cooperative and kindly way.

chord_ata
2-22-11, 4:04pm
Learning how to accept personal aging is not acknowledged/tolerated in our western popular mass media culture.

Thus, every adjustment you make will feel like a pioneering effort breaking away from doing the things the way you thought you were supposed to.

As I understand the historical hindu culture, that culture expected men to start withdrawing from the young struggling economic life and look for more spiritual pursuits.

Over the hill does not mean dead. It means freedom to coast a little. Coast as much as you want or can allow yourself to coast.

Essentially, no matter how many tips you try to collect, you are on your own, just as every self-aware individual is, but there are a lot of us out here watching how our journey keeps turning into new adventures.

flowerseverywhere
2-22-11, 4:36pm
I second the exercise - for the last several years I make it a priority- at least four hours a week (female almost 60). We are planning a long bike trip this summer so we have something to train for. A little sunshine every day the sun is out is helpful.

What also helped me was exploring some things I always wanted to do like becoming better at drawing. My friend learned Yoga. Another saved for several years and took an Alaskan cruise. By having something to focus on it helps get over the rough spots.

We have a lot of friends who have had infidelity of some kind in their marriages and there is a tremendous amount of hurt. I am sorry for your pain.

Susan
2-22-11, 4:55pm
Female and 47 here. Mattj, that bully did not represent all men any more than you represent all men. You are only responsible for how you treat others. I think every one of us on this earth has some kind of issue. I have anger and trust issues and you know what? That's OK with me. I am aware of them and comfortable with them. It gives me the strength and passion to stand up for what I believe in and to stand up to defend others. I have pretty much always just been myself, I don't know how to be anyone else and if someone doesn't like me for it, so be it. I can't remember the number of yearly performance reviews in which I was told that I intimidated co-workers because I was very confident of myself and how I performed my job. I was told that I was aggressive, which is a sin for a woman in this society. But I have also had people I have known for years tell me that they always admired and were jealous of my self-confidence. I only ever did what was right for me or the situation, nothing else. I have never tried to fit another mold and never will.
Yes, physically things are heading south. I have developed disc problems in my lower back but I decided that instead of suffering and giving up, like I have seen family and friends do, I will fight it by going to a chiropractor and doing the physical therapy at least 5 times a week. I joked with the doctor that it was a battle between me and myself and I wasn't sure who would win this round but so far I am, not my back. My husband and I started walking in October 2009 to prep for a trip and haven't stopped since. We do 10-15 miles a week, divided into 5 nights a week. I actually get cranky if I haven't gotten to walk for a few days. But I still smoke and still enjoy it which makes me a pariah yet again. But so be it.
I talk to all kinds of people and hear so many different views on life that it keeps me grounded. I mull over what others have said and am willing to change my opinion or plan if I feel it would be better based on someone else's input/experience. But ultimately, I am responsible for me and what I do. I am who I am and I don't apologize for it.
Own who you are. Life is so much easier when you do.

Anne Lee
2-22-11, 5:00pm
I need this to be my mantra. I need to repeat it over and over. You are right, you are right, you are right. I became a man that always thought of women as fragile/victims and I was either the hero or the villain. I think my wife's affair, more than anything, helped me realize that badness isn't just a guy thing. Still adjusting.

I know several men with the hero/villain thing going on. I've always wondered what were some of the influences that facilitated that particular perspective. Interesting and instructive.

I hope you can get to a place where you can see the wonder and terribleness of humanity expressed - sometimes differently, sometimes the same - through both genders. A little secret between you, me and the ether - a confident guy that likes and respects women gets MAJOR swoon points from me. I don't care how old he is or what he looks like. I suspect I'm not the only woman that feels this way. That's one way to stay young.

Susan
2-22-11, 5:19pm
Also, women are people too. Just like men. With all the faults.

artist
2-23-11, 11:04am
Another female voice chiming in. I'm 41. Will be 42 in June. I know what you are saying about those aches and pains hanging around. I also know that I have my entire life ahead of me and the next phase is just starting. Life is what you make of it and you can either look forward with dread or look forward with a renewed sense of excitment.

My son is graduating from high school this year and going 1000 miles away to college in the fall. I could dould dwell on the impending empty nest, I'm looking forward to watching my son grow in his own world. I'm not concerned about a quiet home. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my husband and finally getting a chance to focus on us, rather than seeing our relationship as our son's parents.

When you look at what is ahead, stay active and get plugged into your community. Your entire attidude changes.

Tweety
2-23-11, 7:12pm
Here's a happy 76 year old female's list (which could have been written by my 86 year old ex as well!)

Stay physically active. That means REAL exercise, the huff & puff kind, for at least 30 minutes daily. Gardening counts, as does snow shovelling, leaf raking and and lawn mowing. Yoga is good for flexibility, and isn't just for girls. The ex takes a weekly yoga class with the (very buff) trainer of the Notre Dame baseball team!

Learn good nutrition and stick with it. Lose the deep fried fast food stuff. Lose weight if you have gathered too much over the years. (The activity mentioned above helps!)

Keep learning new things. Now is the time to try things you always wanted to do. Mental exercise, like puzzles and sodoku, keeps your brain perking along.

Be involved with your community in some way, especially if it gets you out and meeting new people. Volunteer for something that interests you. It is too easy to get bitter and cynical if you don't look beyond yourself and stretch your vision outward.

Enjoy every day! Learn to notice the many unexpected little things that give a lift to the spirit and savor them.

I was going to comment, "oh! to be 42 again!", but actually, I'm happier now than I was then, so you have lots to look forward to!

Glo
2-23-11, 8:30pm
Keep your body moving!

baybay
2-24-11, 5:17pm
Hi Matt,
I'm a not much older (45) year old female but I can relate to some of what you are experiencing. I was separated from my husband for a few years and also experienced a situation akin to emotional cheating in my marriage.

It has taken a great deal of time, spiritual growth and patience to be where I am now, with the situation resolved and us back together, though I am smart enough to know that I have no idea what my future holds and I know that I can only control myself.

I too have the aches and pains, I look in the mirror and almost don't recognize the person looking back at me. And I'm back in school so I'm with much younger people all the time and so the age thing confronts me regularly.

The way I'm attempting to grow old and really to live gracefully and peacefully, is to try to live in the moment, not taking my life or the people and stuff in it for granted, and to approach life from the perspective of what can I give rather than from what can I get.

Although this perspective allows me incredible gratitude, my challenge remains how to sufficiently deal with my growing awareness of all of the suffering that goes on in the world every day for it weighs heavily on my heart. I'm going to start a meditation/yoga practice to work on that and I swear this board helps me too. Knowing that there are others out there who are thinking about more than WalMart, American Idol, and McDonalds soothes me. I hope you can find some solace in this group too.

Hugs from me too...

mattj
2-24-11, 8:57pm
Thank so much everyone. Your comments have all been so helpful. Having a better day today. Some stuff I've been doing along the lines of personal growth prompted me to ask the questions and for advice in the first pace. I think working on this stuff touches nerves and I didn't realize that I still had a bit of "yuck" so close by. I have gotten much out of this group in the past too.