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margene
2-23-11, 3:16pm
latest example: my 20 year old son has been on the computer for hours. I tell him he smells bad and needs a shower or to wash his clothes. I point out that this should come before hours on the computer. My husband asks me calmly what I am screaming at him about. I wasn't screaming. The day before he accused me of screaming at him as well. I lost my temper after saying something six times in normal tone of voice. In essence, in my mind he is calling me a bad mother. When I try to confront him with this I get no response. I feel like a complete b***h at the same I'm infuriated.

lhamo
2-23-11, 4:52pm
He may be wired/conditioned to hear things differently than you. When I was a kid, voices were almost never raised. If something was pretty serious, it was dealt with in a very quiet voice (that quiet voice was how you knew you were in trouble). Raised voices were only used in very rare occasions, and then you knew you were REALLY in for it. To this day, what sounds like a normal voice to someone else can sometimes sound like yelling to me. I am really sensitive to it. Yesterday there were people having an argument in an office near mine and I found myself cringing and wondering when they would stop. I notice my son is also very sensitive to tone like this -- the slightest raise in my voice and he perceives it as "yelling." I am not saying there might not be some passive agressive stuff going on with your DH, but I think it is worth considering how he perceives the world, in case that might be an underlying area of misunderstanding.

lhamo

Wildflower
2-23-11, 5:25pm
I'm with you, Margene. When I say the same thing over and over in a nice calm voice and get no response I find it rather infuriating. Then when they respond with a "what's your problem?" after I raise my voice - yes, I find that very passive aggressive!! The way I solved it was to have a sit down honest conversation with my PA family members and let them know how badly they were making me feel. Things improved after that, and if and when it happens again I will call them on it....

razz
2-23-11, 6:41pm
Dynamics with grown children at home are very different from simply two spouses in the relationship. Been there, done that, hated it. It always seems to go a parent/child vs the other parent. It becomes a power struggle that is difficult to change by just one of the participants.

It sounds as though there need to be some house rules enacted. EG:Sanitation and personal responsibility before computer time.

Without knowing why the 20 year old is still home, able to reach the stage in personal hygiene of smelling and the other parent supporting this behaviour, it is hard to offer further ideas. You have my empathy as it is a difficult situation.

Anne Lee
2-23-11, 8:27pm
This isn't a good idea, but it's the only one I came up with. Tell your son "You need to bathe and wash your clothes. Hygiene is not an unreasonable request. If you don't, then I will dump cold water on you. You have 15 minutes."

Then in 15 minutes, take a gallon pitcher out of the fridge and dump it on him.

I bet he never ignores your request again.

Or, he moves out.

Bootsie
2-23-11, 10:45pm
Having some experience dealing with a passive aggressive person, I find two things help: 1) Call the person on their behavior using very direct and very few words without emotion. 2) ignore them and enjoy yourself.

loosechickens
2-24-11, 12:05am
There may be a problem with a husband reacting in what you see as a passive/agressive manner, but a far larger problem (unless your son is developmentally disabled or in some other way unable to undertake normal responsibilities of a 20 year old) is a 20 year old, sitting at a computer, and not having bathed or changed his clothes long enough to be physically smelling. When one is not doing physical labor, it takes quite a while of neglected hygiene to reach a point where your clothes and yourself stink.

If he's not in some way disabled or mentally ill, this is completely unacceptable, in and of itself. Is he in school or working? And if not, why is he living with you, apparently free to spend his time on the computer for many hours and neglecting even personal hygiene? Either I don't understand the problem, or it's much larger than whether or not your husband thinks you're yelling.

redfox
2-24-11, 2:19am
Yeah, depression occurred to me as I read your post. Also, if you asked his Dad to take on the primary parenting role with your son, would this be a way for you to step out of the middle?

reader99
2-24-11, 8:13am
Then too, there are people who respond to a correcting or critical remark as if it were 'screaming'. I've used the phrase 'yelled at' to mean scolded, regardless of volume.

margene
2-25-11, 2:53am
In answer of some of your questions, my son was living in another state up until a month ago. He has been looking for a job. And I don't think he's depressed. I appreciate all your responses. At the moment I am just frustrated with the inability to communicate with my husband.

Zoe Girl
2-25-11, 12:04pm
That is the reason my 20 yo does not live with me., I understand it is totally normal for that age but I can't deal with it myself.

Have you talked (all 3) about the expectations for son living with you right now? That may be the place to start and then if son or husband have an issue you can refer back to the agreement that son will bath and dress before 10 am and before using computer lets say.

Mrs-M
2-25-11, 1:08pm
Hi Margene. Not sure if this will be of any help to you or not, but I'll share it anyway.

When my kids (the first born) started getting older and I'd discipline them for something, my husband often stayed quiet if it pertained to our daughter, but when it came to our son he tended to get boisterous (albeit calmly) as to me being too strict with him. I associate it with being a "dad" or "man" thing. Maybe they feel the need to stand up for their own kind (same sex) more so than the opposite, because they associate themselves in the shoes of the boy being chastised or disciplined or reined in or whatever. (A psychological thing if you will).

Anyhow, that's the sort of pattern that tended to take place from time to time in our home and it wasn't until I put my foot down that DH settled down. I should point out that my husband never accused me of yelling or anything (because I seldom did), just sometimes he thought I was being too harsh.

One particular issue that was trying in our home was the fact that I was always the disciplinarian. For instance, if a spanking needed handed down, I did the spanking, when it came to groundings and restrictions, that too was left up to me. Never did like that. Do hope there's something you can gather up and run with as to what I mentioned.

loosechickens
2-25-11, 1:16pm
Mrs-M may have a point. When you try to get your son to do something, perhaps it triggers the "big mommy" feeling from your husband's childhood, so he reacts from that place. It might be worth trying to talk to him about what emotions he feels when he seems to see you as nagging, scolding or yelling at your son, and where he thinks those emotions originally came from. Sometimes when we can identify where feelings originated, it makes it easier not to let them drive the bus now.

Mrs-M
2-25-11, 1:22pm
Originally posted by Loosechickens.
When you try to get your son to do something, perhaps it triggers the "big mommy" feeling from your husband's childhood, so he reacts from that place.Bingo! You expressed it exactly how I wanted to say it but I couldn't think of how to get it across in words. Thanks LC! :) I've always admired the way you write and express yourself. Seems to come so easy for you. Me on the other-hand, not so.

margene
2-26-11, 8:42am
Interesting concept Mrs-M. I never thought of it that way.

Mrs-M
2-26-11, 8:54am
Hi Margene. Something to think about anyway. :)