Question about coping with pain in other people's lives.

[nswef]

I tend to get overwhelmed by the pain in the world.

Specifically the kind of events - death, illness, poverty, general ugliness to each other- about which I can do little.

I limit my exposure to the news and other sources, but I find that even talking to people and learning about events that cause pain I tend to dwell on that and forget to focus on the good in my world.

Is there a way to keep from internalizing this to the point of depression?

I am a person with a wonderful life. I think EVERYONE should be able to say that, yet there is so much pain out there.

So, I am looking for suggestions to help. I do meditation, journaling, volunteering and make a strong effort to "live in the moment" ( I'm not so good at that! ) .

How much of it is habit? How much is under my control?

Thanks for any suggestions. I am not a church goer. Not even sure I am Christian although I do believe in some higher being.

[lhamo]

Pain and suffering is always going to be there. You can't make it go away entirely. But getting sucked into it an wallowing in misery isn't going to help anyone. When you feel yourself being sucked into that negative space, can you try to halt it by doing something positive? So say you are really affected by something negative the media is obsessed with, like the Boston marathon bombing. Once you find yourself obesssing about that, find a way to make a positive action, however small, that is in response to that particular incident. Maybe it would be making a small donation to a charity that helps people recover after amputations. Or reaching out to an interfaith group that brings together Muslims and Christians to try to create more dialogue and better understanding. Or just donating blood or money or time to the Red Cross. Do something, anything, positive to try to counteract that negative energy.

And for every negative story you read or hear about that event, actively seek out a positive counterstory. They are out there, but they dont get the same kind of media play as the negative stuff.

Not everyone has a wonderful life. That is an unfortunate reality. But every one of us has the power to make the lives of other people better, even if only in very small, incremental ways. Focus on the positive, healing, helpful actions you can take every day to make the world a better place. No one is helped when you are immobilized. Fight against it. It will make a difference, for you and other people.

Hope that helps!

[razz]

Love Lhamo's response. When I get overwhelmed by the evil appearance in the world, I start counting the blessings in our lives.
For the banking fiasco, think of all the banking systems that are working well,
for war stories, what about all the people who are working round the clock to keep people well and safe, for drought stories what about all the food that is available due to enormous efforts at growing, harvesting, storage and shipping?

The media makes enormous amounts of money on focusing on the miseries in life. They do happen, I know but there is so much good going on that rarely get attention and certainly not from the media.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

And for every negative story you read or hear about that event, actively seek out a positive counterstory.
This is a great idea. I try to read uplifting stories of ordinary people who do small acts of kindness that can change lives. Some on a small scale , some on a large scale. They are out there, and as lhamo says, focus on them, focus on the good.

[lhamo]

Hey,

I've got a very timely example of this. I just started listening to the podcast of the Frontline episode "The Kindhearted Woman." Only part way in at this point, but man -- talk about pain. It is an extended documentary about a woman from the Silver Lake Dakota tribe trying to put her life together after a life of abuse, abandonment, and alcoholism. I think I've almost cried four or five times already, and I'm only about 1/3 of the way through it! I sure hope it has a positive ending, but even if it doesn't, I'm already starting to think about what I can do to make something positive out of it. Not much I can do in a practical sense from China, but I do know two amazing women (one a law professor in N. Dakota who works on domestic violence issues, and one a young native american about to go to law school) who I want to be sure know about this film and help make other people aware of it. Maybe there are ways they or people in their circles can help this woman, or her tribe, or other women in similar situations. Maybe someone who watches this will be motivated to donate to a relevant cause, or volunteer or reach out to someone they suspect may be in a domestic violence situation. Who knows. All I know is that I believe that there are evil, destructive forces out there in the world, but that the forces of good are ultimately stronger. I want to be part of putting that good, positive, healing, forward looking energy out into the universe. The bit of energy I can mobilize may be small and may seem insignificant, but if I can get 10 other people to mobilize their energy, and they get 10 people to do the same, and so on and so on pretty soon the evil will be overwhelmed by good.

The alternative, just sitting in my office and crying about how sad this woman's life is, isn't going to help anyone. Not me, and certainly not her.

[Xmac]

What gives you depression, the pain in the world or your thoughts about the pain in the world? If you were cut off from all media and word of mouth, where's your depression? Is it the news story or is it the events? Isn't it really what you say about it and what repeats in your head after a news report?

When you learn of an event, your learning of the past, even if it was one second ago and then you're living in the past...or it sounds that way.

I love the saying that goes: When you understand, things are as they are; when you don't understand, things are as they are.
I've found that the understanding mentioned above is acquired by questioning the non-stop monologue running in my head.

You asked, "is there a way not to internalize this?" How can one internalize an external event? An interpretation about it, that's how. If you've got pictures, movies and thoughts in your head, aren't they pure fictions or representations of reality and not the reality itself? Don't people tell different stories as witnesses to any apparent event? That's because they are facts and not the truth: reductionist perception or disembodied reality. The truth can't be cut up into words, thoughts and beliefs, in my experience.

I've often thought of how it would be great to go back in history and see for myself infamous events like the Kennedy assassination, to find out what really happened. It's impossible for another reason besides time travel: I'd still have to decide where to be, where to look etc. and I'd still only have another single point of view, albeit closer. I'd get another opinion, but never the whole truth.

You said you have a wonderful life and that everyone should be able to say that. Is your life wonderful when your depressed? Do you want others to just say it, or for it to be true? See how there's always a disconnect between the evaluations, interpretations, opinions and perceptions as compared to the reality?

Okay, long enough. My suggestion is to visit www.thework.com

[iris lilies]

Hey,

I've got a very timely example of this. I just started listening to the podcast of the Frontline episode "The Kindhearted Woman." ...

I watched this recently on PBS. SPOILERS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





I guess it had a fairly happy ending, she married the boyfriend. He seemed--ok. A little flawed. Not apparently a drinker, and he was regularly employed. She had a big hole to crawl out of, that's for sure. Toward the end I became a little annoyed at her reliance on her victim role for getting jobs and speaking gigs. But I understand that she didn't have much else to rely on, no real idea of education or a job that's not provided by social services or the tribal council.

[catherine]

nswef, you remind me of that wonderful character in The Secret Life of Bees who takes all bad news to heart and cries all the time to the extent her sisters have to keep TV and print news from her. Her solution was to write down the sad event on a piece of paper, fold it up and then go out to a stone wall in the yard and stick the paper between the rocks--kind of like a Southern version of the Wailing Wall.

Similarly, I learned in Al-Anon about the God Box, where you write down your worry and fold it up and put it in the box, entrusting it completely to God. I've found that works for some people. I do that, but with mental imagery.

Xmac is correct, though. When we personalize external events without questioning our own part in our reaction to them, we distort their reality. So you can say you are reacting to an illusion in that sense. Not to minimize the reality of pain and suffering, but to realize that your depression is based on your own interpretation of a thought.

The best remedy I have found for the pain in the world is to answer it with peace and love in our own everyday lives.

[Zoe Girl]

I have a large issue with this myself. It has taken a lifetime of adjusting but I still get walloped sometimes. I do not watch TV news ever. I dated a guy who did for awhile so I tried it again and had to leave the room most of the time. I have gotten some grief for that over the years, like I don;t care about the world or I want to stay un-informed but there are other ways. Reading (and skimming) an article is much easier on me than watching a jolting news video.

I put pink soft light around myself when it gets hard. That lets in the good stuff, does not disconnect me harshly from others, but still gives me a buffer. You may have to create your own buffer in life by being aware of what is around you that you can or cannot handle. I cannot handle horror movies but I can handle bloodly testosterone laden action films.

Other things I do are to stay grounded. So good food, avoiding alcohol and loads of sugar helps. Taking a walk in nature or do a craft that is hands on. I would suggest that more than journaling when you have a lot of negative input because you can just circle around the negative item. Actions that bring you directly into the moment more than mentally talking yourself into the moment. That is one reason I really like running more than walking because walking you can still talk in your head a lot, running tends to bring you out of it more.

[nswef]

Thank you all for these great ideas. I am digesting them and choosing what will work for me.
Xmac my life is wonderful even when the depression hits- as I do see where I am and can realize I have a good life full of love and peace. I guess my problems come when I realize so many do not have this peace. The fiction idea is good- all interpretations are not the truth- the truth is the truth right now..

.Zoe Girl- I have followed your journey here from your many posts. Catherine, I do remember the woman in The Secret Life- my heart ached for her.

Ihamo, I thought this morning about what little things I can do to help and that also fill my mind with better thoughts. There are so many pleasant thoughts to have- I need to CHOOSE to think them!

Razz, I must remember to go to the site that has good news.

Thank you all again. I'm working at it!!!

[KayLR]

I have been thinking about your post since yesterday, and I agree with what Catherine concludes with...answering with peace and love in our own lives. Everyone has very good thoughts on this for you.

I was reminded of an exercise a counselor had me do one time when I was struggling getting past a traumatic event in my own life. He had me take a small notebook I had i my hand and hold it in front of my face. He asked if I could see HIM sitting across the room from me. I said, "no." He had me move it away from my face a bit more. I still could not see him. Then he had me move it an arms length away from my face and asked if I could see him. "Yes."

He said this was what I was doing with this particular event. I was keeping it so close to my face, so strongly prevalent in my thoughts, that I couldn't sleep or function. I had to help myself move it into a more appropriate position in my mind so I could manage it and therefore "see the rest of the world," the rest of my life, i.e., put it in proportion/perspective.

Remembering that exercise has helped me manage disturbing news and events many times since. I don't deny them, but it does help put them in perspective.

[Xmac]

Xmac my life is wonderful even when the depression hits-

I'd agree, it sounds like that is the true reality and so what about your experience of it while your depressed? Aren't the times of depression part of your life? Are they wonderful?

Is it unrealistic to have a wonderful life all the time? Your post suggests it isn't: you have a "wonderful life" and you want suggestions on how to keep from internalizing the pain in the world. I'm with you, I don't think that is an unrealistic expectation.


my problems come when I realize so many do not have this peace.

Notice, "when I realize". When you make real the suffering of others, it's you creating suffering in your/this world. Isn't the story of the suffering of others your depression? When you're suffering, you don't have the peace you say is yours, in the moment.

When you discover that a person(s) is suffering, it may well be that that person's pain and suffering is over, paused or sedated. But they're like you. They experience suffering and then they don't. It's on and off for everyone. If one sees the other's as more, or more frequent, it's another assumption that gives one the right to suffer in the name of someone else's suffering and keeps them unavailable to be of help. It also assumes others can't handle or withstand it because one believes they couldn't.

There is another belief that says, "that if I don't let it affect me, I don't care", that compassion is suffering. I don't see that it's possible to feel someone's pain, I can only imagine the subjective, individual experience of others. There's a subtle element of ego in it, in which one can have the sense that "I care", and "I suffer for you". When, sympathetic suffering doesn't prevent the other from undergoing their own experience (their path), and the "caring" is hollow and unsubstantial.

Positive actions and affirmations may be useful for a time a n d it has the result of ignoring the "negative" thoughts which will ultimately have their way with you, as I've seen it. Inquiry into negative concepts discharges their negative effects.