View Full Version : relationships with 'opposite'
Have I told you how great my boyfriend is? Well he is really awesome, and a total opposite in so many ways. I am trying not to worry without cause but I do worry a little how things are going to work out because of this. So I am a non-TV person overall and he loves movies and cannot sleep without TV. I am Buddhist, he went to Baptist seminary. You can figure the conservative and liberal politics pretty easily. He asked me once if I didn't get angry about people on welfare (the ones who use it badly, not someone disabled or ill) and I honestly don't. I work for a program paid for by a grant to provide after school care where people could not afford it, when I told him all that we do he was frankly shocked. He thought we just basically warehoused the kids, not sure what that does to his opinion of government programs except he knows that we provide quality and did ask how we are checked up on.
Okay we have been pretty good at communicating about all this but I see there is just so much room for hurt feelings and misunderstandings because of the differences. Last night he really wanted to take all the kids and me out to dinner. I said I was craving salads and vegies so we went to a salad buffet place that was pretty good. My only complaint was the soups were all weird. Afterwards he was looking at the reciept and other restaurants close by and saying how much 'more' we would have gotten at another place. I understand that if you see the most valuable food as meat and seafood, I don't eat like that and really have never done that.
I am probably making too much of it, just wanted to know if anyone else made a really opposite relationship work and what the heck to do.
My DH is a wonderful man. Really and truly, I have no idea how I ever got so lucky. But we are completely different. The only thing we have in common is our religion (which, granted, is a big thing). But our personalities...he is silly; I am serious. He is an extrovert; I am an introvert. He flies by the seat of his pants; I plan, plan, plan. And the list goes on and on.
I think what makes things work is our ability to communicate and compromise, compromise, compromise. And instead of letting our differences annoy me, I try to appreciate or admire the things that make him different. He really fills in the areas where I am lacking--he is strong where I am weak and vice versa. And life is never boring! ;-)
I think opposites can work if their core values are in tune--like compassion and honesty.
Did you think to ask him if he's concerned about the rich and powerful who game the system, or if it's just the poor? That might give you a clue about his values.
loosechickens
3-1-11, 12:04pm
My sweetie and I are about as opposite to the observing eye as two people could be.
He is very definitely an extrovert, who never met a stranger, is refreshed and stimulated by a lot of social engagement, is messy, disorganized in many ways, leaves stuff strewn all over the house, procrastinates, couldn't balance a checkbook if his life depended on it (or care if it were balanced), and has the energy of an Energizer Bunny.
I am a real introvert....not shy at all, but really like being by myself in a quiet and solitary environment, enjoy few social occasions, can handle them if they are separated by some days and don't involve large numbers of people, have low energy for stimulation, an afternoon of going out to lunch, running a couple errands and sitting at Barnes and Noble reading leaves me ready for a couple days of silence. I'm methodical, organized, handle all our money, balance everything to the penny, never procrastinate, keep things in order despite constant attempts by him to increase clutter, etc........
That said, we have been ecstatically happily married for more than 31 years. the synergistic combination of the two of us creates an entity better than either one of us is alone. I help him be organized, he teaches me to let go and relax, I help him find something of a quiet center once in awhile, he drags me out to socialize and then I actually have a good time once I'm out there, etc.
However, we are completely alike in core values.......attitudes about family and friends, religion, politics, handling money, simple living, assessments about people and situations. While we can fight to the death about whether he left shoes in the middle of the floor and I tripped over them, I don't think we've had a fight about serious issues like family, money, etc., in all the time we've been together.
Personally, I would worry about some of the types of differences you enumerate, only because they may reflect a completely different way of seeing the world, something much harder to reconcile than whether one person is social and another not.
You'll just have to see, I guess. For myself, I don't think if my sweetie had radically different political views, views on religion, attitudes toward others, etc., we would be really happy together. Not specifically because of the difference in views, but because of the very different attitude toward the world, other people, etc. that the difference in views would point toward.
That said, I know several couples who seem to manage widely differing viewpoints, but they seem to do it by having large areas of "elephant in the room" things that they just ignore, which would be hard for me to do.
Good luck.....maybe what is most important might be how does he treat you, your children, other people, etc. Is he good to his mother? Is he really rigid in his viewpoints or willing to explore other sides of questions? etc.
I would not "worry" about the differences but more about the ability to change and/or live with another's differences. If her discussed the cost of the meal and then smiled and said no problem, it would be wonderful. However, if he is not about to compromise the next time and refuses or constantly complains about something to get you to "give in", it would be a warning sign.
Remember in any relationship, there is the "honeymoon period" where both parties are trying to look their best to impress. You need to know him long enough to make it thru this period to the real person underneath the getting to know the person. Take it slow and enjoy the company. I have met many happy couples and just enough really bad relationships to know that time needs to be given to determine true compatability. Talk and talk and talk.
Progressive broadcaster Ed Schultz relates that it wasn't until he met his wife that his politics shifted from right to left on the spectrum. Early in their relationship, she took him to one of her volunteer activities feeding the homeless. He was sufficiently impressed with her and her values to change his.
My partner and I appear to be polar opposites--I've remarked that all we have in common is a mutual love of cats and spicy food--but we share good core values like responsibility and tolerance. He's put up with all my dietary experiments--like years of vegetarianism--with nary a complaint. (It helped that I never tried to cram my menu du jour down his throat!)
Although I share your BF's feeling about spending a lot of money on a few bowls of lettuce when he could have had more substantial choices, it seems a bit churlish to be complaining about it to his dinner guests. Maybe that's a sign of how comfortable he feels with you, or maybe it's about something else. Time will tell.
I think opposites can work if their core values are in tune--like compassion and honesty.
My husband and I joke that eHarmony would never match us up. We met a church so our core values are pretty much the same but other than that we are so opposite. Most of the things that he does that make me crazy are really no big deal in light of eternity so I just let it go. He is really easy going and not much bothers him. Core values are important, the rest are usually opinions that in the long run really don't matter that much. Be flexible.
His underlying values will become clear to you as time goes on, and then you can decide whether you wish to accept your differences over the long haul.
I could not live with a man who had no compassion for the poor, for example, or who was more than willing to hurt my feelings in order to be "right." I have zero tolerance for someone who lumps all people into black and white categories (ALL people on welfare are losers; ALL non-conservatives are wrong; ALL people should eat as I do)
But I CAN (and do) live with a man who had different hobbies, different speeds, and different ways of being with friends & family. These add color and flavor to life; I can sit back and watch him and feel deep respect and trust.
imho, it's best to take your time, and do what's right for your own value system. There are few things as awful as being financially and legally bound to the wrong person.
If I were you, given all of your issues and responsibilities and problems, I'd be careful in taking on a sig other relationship that has even a whiff of work.
You (the generic "you) need to share values to be compatible and successful as a couple. Now, it's entirely possible that his core values and your core values are similar and are compatible, but I can't tell that from what you've expressed. Given how many times you've posted about his "Baptist" upbringing it clearly acts as a symbol of something that bothers you about this guy, and I wonder why you are rushing (ok, perhaps not! ;) into trying to make something work when the writing on the wall signals it's not for you.
Look, the guy isn't wrong if he values "meat" over "veg" but he may be wrong for you. He's different from you. Will you be open enough to accept that difference? Will accepting that be too tiring for you? You have to honestly assess yourself and your reaction to this guy.
Be careful. I can see you easily dropping into another exhausting life energy draining relationship.
Don't do it.
Thanks all, this has really helped me clarify what is so different and what we do share.
So he is nice to his mother and is a very good considerate person. He has natural empathy so I am not what the deal is exactly about people using social services. It sounds like another good friend who grew up very poor and saw the people who abused the system. One thing I noticed right away was when he came and helped at my yard sale when I was losing my house and I had a few friends over. I have 2 good friends who have severely autistic sons and I introduced them. The boys both stopped by my garage sale at the same time and were sooo cute together. Sometimes people who have not spent a lot of time around disabilities have different reactions but his was great, both not uncomfortable around the boys and had great respect for both moms as single moms.
I actually was talking to him today and he asked if I would feel weird if he went to my meditation group without me tonight. It is a group I attend only a couple times a year and I had to take my son to the DR. That is fine with me, and he had a good time. I wanted him to go because he does not sleep well and gets stressed out a lot. The meditation has some religious content to it which is not the part he is comfortable with but he did feel way more comfortable than I expected. Maybe he was just in a general bad mood last night, who knows. It certainly can happen to me often enough.
I am not in a big rush, we have been dating for 9 months and there are some practical matter we both need to take care of before we could even consider co-habitating that we have talked about. However I am feeling also that I am not planning on spending another 7 years solo, I have done my work to deal with my injuries of the past and I rather like having a partner in life.
If I were you, given all of your issues and responsibilities and problems, I'd be careful in taking on a sig other relationship that has even a whiff of work.
+1
Don't talk yourself into it (the relationship).
Well I do have to disagree, being alone in my life is a lot of 'work' too. And there are certainly things that are deal breakers that i wouldn't tolerate but the deal breakers are not what are happening. If he was someone I had to teach how to treat people or to respect I am still raising my kids (he raised his girls for many years) then I wouldn't be talking about this. Mostly as I look at it there are things that could be big or small depending on how we handle them. So far we have talked a lot and are both a little concerned at how different we are so as a result we are moving a bit slower while we figure it out.
My DH and I are opposites in many ways, too. He's a talker, I'm a listener. I'm a morning person, he's a night owl. I was a vegetarian for 10 years and still prefer that type of food; he is a dedicated meat and potatoes person.
But our core values are in tune and that has made all the difference. We both value simplicity, thrift, knowledge, ethics, friends. When I met him, I told my parents that he was one of the nicest people I'd ever met, and it's so true - he is nice to everyone. I always know that I can trust his opinion. He supports me and I always know that I can talk over difficult decisions with him, and that he will offer valuable guidance.
We've been through difficult times and while they certainly didn't make our relationship stronger at the time, after several years I think I can say that having weathered those times, and gone beyond them, we are stronger for it.
So far we have talked a lot and are both a little concerned at how different we are so as a result we are moving a bit slower while we figure it out.
That's a very wise path. Where you do not want to end up is in a relationship where you are disrespected and belittled for your own values and preferences. I have made that mistake before, and that kind of suffering makes the inconvenience of living alone look like child's play.
Slow and easy, and be wary of clutching at this relationship as though it's your only possible life vest against loneliness. He may be a good man, but there are millions of good men on this planet.
Thank you pug and rosemary, I am still seeing the extent of the differences and what that may mean. I don't feel that he would ever belittle my way of doing things but when we are so far apart on some things it is hard work to not do a knee jerk reaction. I struggled with my end last night at our family dinner night (we try and do this every week with all the kids in and out of the house, especially since we met through his daughter). Tyler cooked a great dinner and we were chatting. It seems that Matt took an extreme approach (IMHO) to his daughter ever being home sick from school. I don't know if they were serious about her going to the emergency room every time she was sick enough to stay home or not. In any case she is grown now so it is not much of my business, but I do have kids who get sick often and I let them stay home with migraines and throwing up. The rest I push them to go because they have allergies so a lot of days they go when they don't feel well.
He is also one of the nicest people and always willing to help me out in so many ways. I am really quite stubborn in some areas like not living above my means as much as I can possibly do with children so I have already told him I won't live in a high priced place that I cannot pay my share on, and I know that the place I rent right now is not really great for him. It is exactly where I need to be for my son's school, so this is where I am. I am not sure he is used to my style, LOL,
Zoe, are you and the BF seriously talking about moving in together?
Keep in mind that I'm only responding to your description as I interpret it, but I sense a certain rigidity and contempt for weakness here. Not to mention a cavalier attitude toward abusing our already overburdened ERs.
I've never cared a fig for status, earning capacity, or religious affiliation, but kindness, compassion, flexibility, and humor are characteristics I won't negotiate.
rodeosweetheart
3-3-11, 9:21pm
I guess the staying home from school thing would matter the most if you were going to have children together, or if you believed he was jibing at you for the way you have brought up your children. Do you sense he is criticizing you, or is it that he is different than you in some important value here?
On the living together, it would be 5-6 months away. Since we have different styles and kids and all that stuff it would take talking about it a serious time and working out a lot of things.
I think he does have empathy, humor and compassion, very much. Now flexibility, hmm. I don't see that one. That may be a difficult one. He does try a lot of new things but then I think he moves back into the comfort zone. He is trying meditation which surprises me. He even went on a night that I couldn't. I think it would be a great thing for his stress level and that is way outside his comfort zone.
Now on the ER thing it is something I have seen in people who grew up in a certain type of area and income level (urban poverty). It can take a long time to re-learn how to deal with medical issues compared to the way you were raised. I have one friend who was soooo proud to not take her kids to the DR or have them home from school only to have her daughter nearly die from undiagnosed diabetes (she is doing well now). I have known people who had to be told by the ER staff that they could take a child with an ear infection to a regular DR and how to do that. They honestly didn't know any other way to treat it.
Thanks for all your input, it will help guide further talks. I am still unsure on whether these are fundamental differences or just things we can see in different ways with a similar foundation.
In an ideal world, you'd each grow away from your extremes and meet in the middle over time. But does this really happen? I do not know.
As others have said, what's important is that your core values are in tune. My boyfriend and I are opposites in many ways... he likes to stay in, I like to go out; he goes to bed late and gets up late, I do the opposite; he's not too bothered about socialising, I need to see my friends regularly, etc. For me, a lot of these differences are extrinsic to the relationship and although they can cause upset sometimes, these are the areas that we compromise on.
I briefly dated someone with very strong religious beliefs (I am not religious) whose political views were the polar opposite to mine. It was all fine if these topics didn't come up, but this stuff seeps so far into everyday life and conversation that it can't really be ignored.
loosechickens
3-4-11, 12:20pm
I think I could deal with other differences far easier than I could deal with really seriously differing views on religion and/or politics. Mostly, because to me, those issues speak much more of an underlying way of seeing the world which, as Mira said, seems to then seep into other things so far that it is really difficult for those differences to be adjusted and compromised in a way that other things can.
But, that's just me.......
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