View Full Version : how often do you get really scared
Oh dear, I saw my counselor and I don't see her very often but it was really great and well needed today. Then after a super long day I started working on some of the things I avoid because of my counseling boost. Then I got scared.
There is just so much to take care of even in a simple life, one little DR visit can set me back so far, and now I realize I have more to take care of like DR appointments and eye appointments for kids, and my glasses being years out of date, and who knows what else. That is all I have found so far.
I don't want to rush into a relationship deal but some days i just want to send the kids to dad's house and go stay with my boyfriend and just pay off all the stuff hanging over my head for awhile, and I don't even have cable or a car payment. How do people survive?
I saw a little boy slip off a dock a couple of years ago, and vanish into the dark water, while his parents kept walking. That was pretty instantly scary.
ApatheticNoMore
3-2-11, 1:09am
- I get scared making big money decisions (for instance buying a car). The little stuff I don't trouble about too much
- I get scared of this economy and being unemployed. My job isn't actually 100% secure :(. Being unemployed in this economy scares me (it is particularly bad here). Unemployment is SO high (definitely the highest in my lifetime), and this has been going on for a couple of years already with no signs of getting better :0!
- I get scared about the long term future of the economy
That's financial stuff. As for all the non-financial stuff I get scared about too, well yea, there is that also. But I'm a worrier, high neuroticism, whatever, so .....
Good God, Bae! Then what happened?!?
I lost control of my car years ago and I was definatly concerned as I was spinning around heading across the median. As far as appointments and finances, I don't have to be anywhere unless I want to go, and I just pay my bills when they come due, I don't have that many. The economy doesn't worry me, I have alway's adapted if I had to in the past, and things would have to get very bad to effect me now.
Today is Wednesday, a busy day for me. Its trash day, so I have to get the trash to the curb, all bills have been paid, tee time is 12:30, supper is around 5:30, if I want to play cards at the club, they start around 7:00. Life is good.
dmc, I can't imagine that kind of life for me or many people in my situation/generation. I am glad that there are people who have worked hard and have that kind of life, I just don't see it happening for me in my earning range.
Everyone makes choices, some good, some not so good. I worked summers and paid for my college. I got a degree in engineering, I knew at the time that it was in demand and the pay was good. I got out of college in 1980 and got married the same year. Unemployment was high then as was inflation. I took a job in Texas, as that was where the work was, then I moved to Wyoming as a better job opened up. We then ended up in Missouri as again, that was where the work was. My wife then was able to finished her degree.
I see no reason why my sons cant do as well or better. One of my sons had a new house built a year or so ago , he is 26, he got the free government money and pays around 5% interest. I had to put down 20% on my first house and paid 13% interest. I have two son's and they have never had trouble getting a job. The one with the house is better with his money, the other has made some poor choices, but should be fine. It seams to me that many on these boards have a victim mentality. Some have health issues that I can understand puts them back. But some have made choices that have put them in a bad position.
Sit down and make a plan to get where you want to be. If you don't make a plan, you plan to fail. I don't know who said that, but it makes a lot of sense.
I would say Good Luck, but Luck has little to do with it.
ApatheticNoMore
3-2-11, 11:43am
I see where you're coming from with this post Zoe: worried about how you'll pay all your bills for everything you need (glasses etc.). (((hugs))) My finances are actually pretty good. But not to the point I can't see that millions of people are suffering from unemployment in the current economy and it's a bit scary. And yea a job that barely makes your bills is only somewhat better.
I wonder if those who say luck has nothing to do with it have ever had any really good luck. I have. Oh I don't mean anything trite like a wonderfully supportive family of origin (my family was actually quite a few cards short of a deck and is something I repair damage from!), nor do I even mean our natural gifts - intelligence, looks, health, talents, whatever (though I didn't make out too bad here). I mean just sheer financial luck, being in the right place at the right time! I have.
Good God, Bae! Then what happened?!?
Several folks dove into the very cold water and managed to find the lad before he perished. He was very lucky. Make sure your kids wear their life preservers on the darned docks!
jennipurrr
3-2-11, 12:03pm
I can make myself anxious over money matters and then when I don't have anything to dwell on I tend to make up imaginary reasons to be anxious, like we are trying to pay off the mortgage early so I have imposed meaningless limits...not completely meaningless, but my life isn't going to fall apart if I don't pay the mortgage extra this month. So, I have to actively work on decreasing my anxiety and just going with it. I know this probably isn't helpful since I know you do have very real money concerns, but sometimes I think personalities can make things worse.
-- I don't mind flying, but extreme turbulence does scare me, and flying over the Pacific -- there is a lot of water down there!
-- Near accident going 70 mph on the back side of the "Grapevine" - the freeway leading out of L.A. heading north - glad I said my prayers that morning.
-- Ecomony - will it ever get back to "normal" again?
I don't find myself scared about financial things so much as frustrated and angry. I had formulated in my little teenage mind a career of being a poor writer. To a certain extent, I've accomplished both things. We've actually done OK for a family actively trying to live on one income, and while it's not always as great as I thought it would be being the at-home-parent, I am proud of the work I have done, and the life we have built. Right now, we have a small emergency fund, no credit card debt, and we should have our home paid for in ten years. My wife has four weeks of paid vacation a year, and we have managed to travel very frugally and generally not borrow any money. (The trip to India put us in debt for a year, but we paid it off quickly).
However, it has taken a good deal of diligence on my part, and as an at-home-parent, I put my wants last. Some days, I'm at peace with my faded, torn clothing, (actually and metaphorically speaking), but some days, I just feel sick of it. For example, my son dropped his bicycle on mine and broke my fender. I want to replace the fender, but I also need a few other bicycle parts, and so I go to the website and start adding parts, and it adds up. It's more than we have in our bicycle envelope. I also want to buy my son a trailer, (he keeps trying to make one for his bike, and the results are frankly dangerous), and my daughter needs a rack for her bike soon so she can carry her stuff to her swim practice. So I switch off the browser and don't buy anything. I can get by with a broken fender, and my chainrings are worn, but I can get by, etc. Sometimes I just want to buy a bunch of stuff like the rest of the fools out there in this country.
My wife's work is also facing cutbacks in the budget, so our overall income might come down from $42,000 a year, to what we don't know. I've been trying to find some extra work, but I've been self-employed for the past twelve years while staying home with the kids, and I just don't think I'm selling that while, "Well, my main occupation has been at-home-parent" I always start, "and I'm a beekeeper and a writer and a computer helper and an editor." The last couple of resumes I sent out for part time teaching jobs haven't garnered any response at all. While we're not even sure we want or need me to go back to work at this point, it's still a little depressing. I was looking at my social security statement, and over the 32 years I've been a working individual, (and only during one of those years was my income $0), I've only made a little over $200,000. That comes out to $17 a day. That may be more than the world average, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm just sick and angry about it. I want to stop worrying about every little cent I spend. I'm ready to stop being a poor writer and move on to being a moderately wealthy writer.
And I know what you mean about glasses. I had a weak prescription made out for me at one point when I was trying to do eye exercises to improve my vision. My vision has just grown worse. I have particular trouble seeing inside of stores for some reason. I can't read signs over the aisles in places like Home Depot.
There always seems to be one more thing to pay for.
One the topic of fear -- the only time I find myself really scared is riding in a hired car in India. Indian traffic is crazy.
Oh, and once, when my daughter was still a toddler, she kept shouting at me to push her higher on the swing. I kept telling her to hang on, but for some reason, she let go at the top of a swing, did a back flip in the air, landed on her butt, and her face slammed down in the sand. She went into shock for several minutes, and I was in a panic as to what to do. Bike her to the hospital? Call an ambulance? Have a friend drive us to the emergency room? However, she didn't lose consciousness, and after about five minutes, she came around and wanted to get back on the swing. I said "No."
Oh I remember another one - when our youngest was probably 4 or 5 we were at a festival and after the dancers got done with their performance we were all standing around talking and she went up on the outdoor stage and started dancing (we did not see her go up). Then she looked down and couldn't see us. We all went different directions and could not find her.
It was probably only 5 minutes max, but behind the stage was a dark alley, and overflow parking in a field, etc. etc. We left the immediate area where the vendor's booths were and there she was. A girl we knew recognized her and kept her there until we came. Another vender who was selling imported toys gave her a little pull toy. Oh what a relief. Lots of hugs, tears, NEVER want to experience that again.
Thanks, Bae...
I get worried about financials, and then I look at my luxurious circumstances, and realize I could sell EVERYTHING and be fine. Then I get worried about my health, and then look at someone worse off, and feel fine. Some days I get worried about my (presently stupid) job, and worry... then I go to a restaurant and watch the waiters, and feel much better. Or those w/out jobs and income...
Mostly I realize that my awfulizing - as my DH calls it - is just my mind spinning yarns, and when I come back to reality, here and now, it's all good.
(Someone please remind me of this the next time I post a freak-out!)
loosechickens
3-2-11, 1:58pm
"I don't want to rush into a relationship deal but some days i just want to send the kids to dad's house and go stay with my boyfriend and just pay off all the stuff hanging over my head for awhile, and I don't even have cable or a car payment. How do people survive?" (Zoe Girl)
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Right here, in a nutshell, Zoe Girl, is why you are getting so many messages on your thread about "opposites", to take it VERY slowly. Because this desire to "save yourself" by latching on to a relationship, so that you have help with your kids, help with your life, etc., sticks out all over, and is DOOMED, DOOMED to make matters worse, not better. Not this specific relationship, but the idea that life alone is too "hard" and having a relationship will make it easier. That comes very close to looking for someone to "use" as a life preserver. Not good for either of you.
I found myself a bit scared in the recent, big stock market crash.......it was kind of mystifying to me, because I've never been a person who worried about money, even when I didn't have any. Finally, after a lot of introspection, I realized that I never worried before because I always felt like I could take care of myself, had skills and abilities I could use, etc., but THIS time, I was in my late sixties, have an injured back and Achilles tendon that really restricts my ability to walk any distance, or stand for any periods that would be required in a job, so I felt VULNERABLE, for the first time.
I worked through it by realizing that the markets were probably not going to go down to zero, so even if the worst happened, we'd still have SOME money, and because we have strong networks of relationships, both family and friends, and an ability to live on an extremely small amount of money if necessary, we'd still be fine, even if physically I wasn't up to the work I used to be able to do easily. Life would change, but it would also be an interesting challenge to our ingenuity and survival skills, and all of a sudden it seemed less frightening and more like a challenge I thought I could meet. I felt much better then, and have'nt worried since.
Other than that, not much frightens me. And even that prospect no longer has the power it did at the time.....
My actual scary physical threats have been few - one was looking in my rear view mirror and seeing a semi barreling into the back of my car on the freeway when the cars in front of me stopped suddenly. At the last moment while I was telling my baby daughter goodbye, the driver turned the wheel and flew off the side of the road through the guardrail. Also extreme air turbulence scares the heck out of me. My current ongoing fear mostly promulgated by the media, is growing old without resources. Also, I am currently scared because DH is leaving for Italy for a week and has never even been to Europe before. I am scared something will happen to him.
I sometimes am afraid that I'm missing out on things in life I have always wanted to do - and structured the last 10 years of my life so I could do them about now. However my circumstances changed and now I am somewhat tied down I again - by pets now, elderly parents and other pets before that, and a job and hubby and even more pets before that :-)!! I find I get very anxious being tied downed and often just want to be free, free, free!!! I get this sort of minor dread feeling that by the time I am totally free and unencumbered, I will be too old to do all the things I want. Most of which are very physical things. While it's just not the life I had envisioned, and definitely not the life I had planned, it's a nice life that I enjoy. So I focus on the things I can do rather than those I can't and find that helps alot.
I also hate to fly. Not so much afraid of it, but don't like it at all. Also afraid (for the same reasons given above) that I might become injured and disabled or ill. Again, I don't dwell on those things, but they are in the back of my mind and spur me on to do things now rather than wait.
Physically scared...I have been in a couple car wrecks that were not major and I wasn't scared. I guess I did have an adrenaline rush (not in a good way!), but both I was fine except for some bruising and knew the whole time that two cars going 25 mph are probably not going to have major human damage. The one time in the car I was so so scared and it took awhile to recover mentally I was driving down a 4 lane highway, I came over a hill and a car was stopped in my lane, talking to a guy walking a dog! In a split second I thought, I am going to rear end this car and die and then my car is going to go crash into this guy and his dog. So I swerved the other way and my car spun out in a circle in the middle of the highway and at that split second I thought I cars coming the other way were going to hit me. Then the car stopped...no one hit me...and I somehow made it home.
Oh dear, I saw my counselor and I don't see her very often but it was really great and well needed today. Then after a super long day I started working on some of the things I avoid because of my counseling boost. Then I got scared.
There is just so much to take care of even in a simple life, one little DR visit can set me back so far, and now I realize I have more to take care of like DR appointments and eye appointments for kids, and my glasses being years out of date, and who knows what else. That is all I have found so far.
I don't want to rush into a relationship deal but some days i just want to send the kids to dad's house and go stay with my boyfriend and just pay off all the stuff hanging over my head for awhile, and I don't even have cable or a car payment. How do people survive?
I was just saying this afternoon how complex ordinary Western working- or middle-class life can be. Medical, dental, vision, home care, car, car insurance, home repairs, car repairs, pets, meals, homework, laundry....and that's just off the top of my head in a couple of seconds. Just get sick or get old, and suddenly a "normal" life feels like just too much to handle.
IMHO, there's the doing, and there's the affording. Even with unlimited money, all the acitivites, cares and appointments have to be scheduled, gone to, carried out, considered, followed up on. Let there be a shortage of money and pretty soon things have been put off enough to pile up, and then both the practical carrying-out and the paying for are that much more overwhelming.
RE glasses for yourself: I used to get my glasses mostly paid for as a secret shopper (www.volition.com (http://www.volition.com)). The company I mostly shop for no longer does vision, but I did get my last pair sort of cheap with the $38 frame offer at WalMart. See also eyebuydirect and 39dollar glasses.com. I have not used either of these but have heard them recommended.
Re: medical - it can't hurt to contact the local health department and see if your family might be eligible for any of their services, you may be surprised. Several of my former co-workers (employed, making money) qualified for preventive care type stuff.
Re: the "who knows what else" feeling - I sometimes find it helpful to get things out of my head and onto paper. It can allow me to let my mind relax, since the Dreaded List is on paper and I know I won't forget all about it if my mind relaxes.
It may also help to consider that life is a rolling to-do list, and sometimes it's necessary to just decide that you've done enough for today or for this week.
On the financial front/how to people survive: it isn't easy, especially when there are kids to support - requires a larger living space, more food, more events and activities to be paid for.... One thing I do is practice cost cutting that some people consider extreme. If I don't have to spend it, I don't have to earn it. Or if I don't have to spend it on routine things, I have it on hand for things that are actually rewarding. I use baking soda instead of shampoo (google "no 'poo"), deodorant, toothpaste. That's a lot of $2-$4 items I don't have to buy, whole aisles of the store I don't even go down, and less packaging in the landfill. I question and examine every line item on insurance bills, utility bills etc. The frugal section of these boards is a good source of ideas to cut spending.
Let's see, the last time I had my stomach drop was about 3 months ago when something came up at work and I had the (erroneous) thought that I"d f****d up that possibility. But as it turns out, no, things were organized and set up as they should be.
I am having some strange second-guessing thoughts about my action and while they were small incidents up until that last one, I am being more careful to not immedialtey assume I've done wrong since it usually turns out that I've done exactly what I needed to do. I have a habit of completing work and then totally forgetting about it. It's over and done with, why think about it again?
Totally scared about money? When I was about 16, I was flying home from school to see my family for the summer and I had like 6 bags. I hadn't realized airlines charge for more than 2 (at that time) and just packed the suitcase set my parents had given me to go to school. I was already a little on the late side for the flight, and the baggage check woman started in about how they were going to have to charge like $25 per extra bag over 2. I don't think I had any more than about $5 and a plane ticket, and I think I started to tear up, trying to think how I could leave some stuff in the airport. Finally they forgave the fee and I got a big huge duffel for the next flight. I also (barely) made the flight. Of course I've had much more major anxieties about money since then, such as looking at Zillow any time in the past 2 years, but that was one time I clearly remember having no idea what I could do and no money or credit to deal with the problem at all. Most of the time I have a plan, backup plan and often a backup-backup plan. Maybe the backup-backup isn't too pleasant, but not a panic situation.
As far as physical danger, oh a few times. Being the passenger in a Saturn SL-1 that turned into a metaphorical ball in a game of ping-pong between a semi and the guardrail on slushy I-40 near Gallup NM. Whirling around on I-70, also in a snowstorm but didn't hit anything that time. Having a rock the size of a car shift on the side of a mountain...when I was below it. Luckily it shifted about 6 inches, not 600 ft. Being out in a thunderstorm (you know, when it's flash-boom simultaneously) with no possibility of a quick exit to anywhere, knowing it's all about luck whether I'd get hit or not that day.
As for your feelings of sending the kids off, Zoe, I think it's probably natural. You've got a lot on your plate and dealing with everything all the time is tiring. One thing you could consider is what responsibilities you can start easing onto the kids. They are teens (at least, the oldest one, right?) and as such they will need to start taking more responsibility anyway. Perhaps you can brainstorm or ask your honey for ideas of things they can do, and add a few here and there. Teens can do odd jobs-even though jobs are scarce people still need help with childcare, snow shoveling, computer repair, etc. Wean them off of getting money from you if they are for anything beyond school stuff. You shouldn't be working 2 jobs and going without needed glasses for them to be blowing cash on frivolities. If they kvetch, plenty of books are out there on the Great Depression so they can compare how much better they're doing in the Great Recession! Good luck, we all know you're doing your best and this will work out eventually. It's just a grind til it does.
I am currently scared because DH is leaving for Italy for a week and has never even been to Europe before. I am scared something will happen to him.
My biggest fear if my DH went off to Italy would be getting a call saying "Sell everything! Come on over!!! 'Cause I'm never coming back!"
When we were deeply in debt, I used to panic. If I think too much about worst case scenarios - both of us losing our jobs and health - I can really get scared. And retirement does concern me. We are going to have to sock away the savings hard. But I'm ok with that.
Other than the usual scaring driving or flying incidents, I'm really scared of being mugged, particularly when traveling. So I'm overly cautious, and don't usually go out at night, and am too uptight to often enjoy the surroundings at night.
Financially, I'm scared the economy will never get better, and I'll never find a "real" job again. I just started a contract job that goes until August, after 2 years of being unemployed. It feels tenuous at best. My husband turned to contracting when his branch of hardware engineering (telecom) dried up in 2003, so his employment has been on again/off again. We not in any danger of starving, and our house is paid off, which is a relief, but I feel constrained to even buy the things we need but aren't truly essential, unless we are both bringing in money. I live with things being half done, or living with things that are long since worn out because I don't want to spend the money unless I truly need to. We don't want to touch the savings, because we don't know how bad things will get, or how long this current economy will last. We might need the money in the future.
This is a big change from the 90's, when we were both employed full time, and felt very comfortable about the future. While unemployment was clearly an option even for white collar workers, we'd never been out more than a few months. In the 2000's, that all changed. I've been unemployed twice this decade, for 18 months in 2002-2003 and 2 years now 2009-2010. Despite college degrees and keeping my skills current and being a field that is supposedly in demand (software engineering) and doing a lot of networking, both while employed as well as when not. Throw in a sinking stock market and watching half our savings evaporate, and I don't feel very confident about the future.
Well I do know that parents of teenagers often feel the urge to run away in one way or another. That isn't so unusual. But I also am super uncomfortable with living beyond my means, and with kids that is really really easy to do. I want to adjust to the economy and just get caught up!
Would it be better if I said I was also considering leaving the kids and moving in with one of a couple families I know that have made the offer when I wasn;t sure I could rent a place to live or have someone move in with me? I know the kids can do things but the level of effort and diligence on my part is pretty extreme at this point. I know I have laid the foundation and taught them the skills so now it just takes the swift kick in the rear, and that is a lot of work too. Last night they cooked a fabulous dinner, I came home and they were in the middle of chopping and preparing on a table that also had computers, essential paperwork for driving tickets, and in a kitchen with an overflowing trash, piles of dishes that had not been done, etc. Typically grownups kinda catch this and do dishes, take out the trash, and clear the table before making dinner. Okay I have known a few grownups who have not had this all down but geez, at least dinner was super tasty.
rodeosweetheart
3-4-11, 3:45pm
How old are your kids?
I rarely worry about finances, though I probably should have during the lean years when I was living partly off the equity in my house. I always figured things would work out, and eventually they did. I have three legs of my retirement stool in place and hope to add a fourth soon.
I've been through a number of scary situations--like driving 12 miles in an unheated car through a sleet storm, literally inching along up and down hills on sheet ice while hanging out the window to spray de-icer on the windshield, and I survived with nary a scratch on me or the beater. Dealing with serious illness and death of loved ones was much, much worse.
So now I'm older and gun shy and tend to obsess over every cough and pimple, and I won't drive in anything resembling snow or ice or heavy rain or own an animal that might sicken and die. So I understand completely random fears and feeling like Atlas carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders; In my fantasies, I'd love to just hand the whole thing off (Take my house...Please!) to someone else. It may be a blessing in disguise that no one is rushing in to save me from my own folly.rrrrr
The only comfort I can provide is to remind you that your children will all be on their own in a few years, and you'll be able to pare down the appointments and obligations and house size to make a more comfortable life for yourself.
Oh, and I can offer the advice my mother use to give when the world was getting us down: "Eat a nice steak, Dear--you'll feel better!" I used to scoff, but it turns out she was right, after all.
My kids are 14 (in a couple weeks), 17 and 20. The 20 year old lives on her own but I have her phone on my plan. Once again she blew over her limit and owes me money. Sooo not happy.
Hey can I change that steak to something vegetarian?
...
Hey can I change that steak to something vegetarian?
Nah, it only works if it's meat. Very soothing. During my veg phase, I thought she was daft, but time has proved her right. Veg/high carb diets do a number on the B-vitamins necessary for nerve function. If you were really twanged out, I'd suggest liver. Sorry. cow-hi
rodeosweetheart
3-4-11, 10:14pm
So you still have kids at home, then? I guess I am confused as to how you leave them and go live somewehre else. I think I have lost the plot, sorry.
My kids are 14 (in a couple weeks), 17 and 20. The 20 year old lives on her own but I have her phone on my plan. Once again she blew over her limit and owes me money. Sooo not happy.
Hey can I change that steak to something vegetarian?
My friend B had her grown son on her plan for years after he left home. Didn't make any sense to me, and he didn't start monitoring and limiting his use until she took him off and he had to pay the phone company directly and experienced the real life consequences of his phone use, none of which was any kind of emergency or business usage. If she had been comfortably off it might have made sense, but she was struggling, yet still enabling a grown man to live carelessly at her expense. She told me she was surprised at how relieved she was when she took him off her plan.
I think I will be relieved even though my daughter feels sorry. I just don't want to deal with this anymore and she isn't learning from this anyway.
On the how I run away, that is my fantasy when I have had enough. I am not actually running away, I just really want to at times. So I do have next weekend off all my jobs and am going somewhere with my boyfriend and my mom will be here to cover me.
Okay on the beef, I am just a less meat eater than most and not a vegetarian at this point. If I really crave something like beef then I eat it because I figure my body is telling me something. Lately it has been cheerios and bananas and lots of avacadoes. Probably because I have been reading on cholesterol again and want to deal so I never go on meds like the rest of my family.
If you're reading up on cholesterol, I'd recommend The Great Cholesterol Con, and anything by Uffe Ravnskov or Gary Taubes. In the meantime, you might invest in a solid B-vitamin stress formula.
rodeosweetheart
3-5-11, 1:48pm
Oh, okay, have refound the plot, and yes, I would thoroughly second getting rid of cell phones for any adult children. For goodness sake, my twin sons did a family plan with each other when they were 22 and they got so mad at each other that it took six months to patch it all up--so def., if you can get that straightened out, that will be one less stressor for you and you can concentrate on the stuff with the younger, still dependent kids.
I remember taking all three of my kids out when the oldest had just graduated from college and buying the high schooler a pair of shorts and the graduate saying, "Gee, don't I get a pair of shorts, too?" and saying, "Sure, buy them yourself!" I needed to establish the new ground rules. I also, I should add, have just added my 24 year old back on my health insurance because now I can, he works two jobs and his insurance just went so high he could no longer afford it. I don't feel good about it, b ut I also do not want him starting life with crippling debt if he gets sick. But heck, I do not know if I did the right thing or not, I just don't. I pray he never needs it.
So I 'm probably not nearly as tough as I sound. Still, you are trying to lower your own stress level so that you don't need to fantasize about leaving home, and you have to knock out some of the stressors that you can. Caring for the yuounger children is a stressor that you can't change; economic bailout of adult child (oxymoron) is something that you can change.
It seems if you are having trouble supporting your minor children who still live at home that it would make sense to have your adult children support themselves (cell phone and all). Especially if you are seriously considering something as drastic as having your minor children no longer live with you as a means of paying off debt.
It seems if you are having trouble supporting your minor children who still live at home that it would make sense to have your adult children support themselves (cell phone and all). Especially if you are seriously considering something as drastic of having your minor children no longer live with you as a means of paying off debt.
I think this is good advice. You posted on another thread about your older daughter about her computer issue too. It might be helpful to outline your basic responsibilities, financial and otherwise, for the kids and explain that and really hold to that. Fawn had a great thread a few weeks back about sticking to her plan not to pay for something her kids and their dad wanted, but she didn't. If all you can do is the basics right now, food, clothing, shelter and what-not for minor children only, that's OK. It's nothing to feel guilty about.
A suggestion for your daughter is for her to try a prepaid phone. When I was in my early twenties I had a period of time that I had a hard time staying in my cell phone minutes. T-mobile will give you 1000 minutes for $100 that are good for a year or $50 a month unlimited. Those might be better options for her. A lot of cell phone plans really rake you over the coals for overage charges.
I guess since this is in the Finance forum, you are referring to financial worry.
I've never been really scared with respect to finances. I've accrued a £16,000 student loan debt, but since there are no repercussions for not repaying that here, I'm not worried at all.
My boyfriend is losing his job at the end of the month, so if he doesn't find one soon after that, I'll begin to get scared. I can't afford all the bills on my own! We can apply for unemployment benefit, but it takes ages to come through and will certainly not be enough to cover rent and bills. Luckily, we don't have a car or have to pay any health-related costs, so that's always nice to know.
I am glad at least one of my kids is pretty much on her own, although I wish she would do some more schooling or something to get prepared for a better paying career. That is okay. I am not paying anything for her, I just have her phone on my bill and she pays me but with the overages she owes me money. I have a prepay verizon phone that I am thinking about giving her, she saves the $20 and has to add money to it and I don;t worry about her debt to me going up.
Biggest fear for me is that my drugs will stop working and that I'll be unable to work due to pain and disability, lose my health insurance and be unable to afford healthcare generally. Oh, and be unable to save for retirement and end up living as an old, poverty-stricken, disabled, chronically sick woman.
loosechickens
3-6-11, 2:05pm
To me, I think the key is what you said, SoSimple....that fear of being old, sick and without money. Because I was amazed when the stock market crash happened and I felt such anxiety and worry, because even at the worst, there was still plenty of money.....and since I've had periods in my life, for several years after my divorce back in the seventies, when there was not only NO money, but actual survival of being able to provide the basics of sufficient calories, a roof over our heads, etc. was at stake, I had almost no FEAR at all, I guess because I was young still, strong and healthy, and figured I could work my way out of the problem and manage. I finally isolated out after this past stock market crash that it had little to do with actual MONEY, it had to do with the realization that what I had counted on all my life, i.e., my strength and health and ability to work was compromised by age, back injury, Achilles tendon injury that has interfered with even basic walking for two years, so all of a sudden I felt vulnerable in a way that I'd never felt in my life, even when I had nothing, and at this point was actually quite affluent even after the stock market had done its worst.
So I think the problem is seldom money, it's the loss of ability to care for ourselves that is most fearful, so having some money helps allay that fear because you can use the money to provide care, rather than your own efforts, as I've always depended upon.....
don't know if that makes sense or not....was reminded this morning of the terrible few years after my divorce, and recognizing that at that time I felt much less fear and anxiety under FAR worse conditions than I felt a few years ago, when the actuality was less than the fear and anxiety that accompanied it.
Exactly, LC. I am quite self-sufficient, thank-you-very-much, but the sad reality is that at any time my "miracle drug" could stop working and I would end up in too much pain to work. And that betrayal of self-sufficiency by my body (and it is betrayal by my own body as this is an auto-immune thing) is what frightens me most. I am successful (when I'm not trying to be self-employed), but that success is predicated on good health. I have always been an optimist and resourceful, but there's no way I could be self-sufficient with the pain I was experiencing BMD (Before Miracle Drug).
It's kind of sad that I feel I have to pursue the Almighty Dollar rather than live in the same state as DH, but if I don't pursue it now, I risk my future financial well-being. So pain now, gain later. I just hope my health allows me to enjoy it.
Hmm, that makes a lot of sense. I was not as scared when I was younger and we were broke (I was married) and I have associated that with being married at the time. Since my mid-30's I have realized I have 3 chronic but mild conditions that could at any time be much worse, asthma, chronic depression and arthritis. Today the temperature dropped and I will be on my max dose of over the counter stuff, am already having stiffness while typing and know it is going to be a long day. So maybe with my and my fear for my kids is not the money or being single but the medical.
Hmm, that makes a lot of sense. I was not as scared when I was younger and we were broke (I was married) and I have associated that with being married at the time. Since my mid-30's I have realized I have 3 chronic but mild conditions that could at any time be much worse, asthma, chronic depression and arthritis. Today the temperature dropped and I will be on my max dose of over the counter stuff, am already having stiffness while typing and know it is going to be a long day. So maybe with my and my fear for my kids is not the money or being single but the medical.
A few years ago I encountered a financial thinker who said, "If money will fix it, it's not the real problem". At the time I balked - I had many small and medium sixed problems that a stiff dose of money would have fixed right up. But then I thought it over and realized that the root of the problem was that I wasn't well enough to work full time. Full time earnings would have covered all those problems.
My DD almost choked to death when she was a toddler. The memory horrifies me to this day. I found her just in time. The woman that was supposed to be watching her, simply wasn't. Pure negligence on her part.... That was the day I quit my job and became a full-time SAHM. I have to say nothing since has scared me as much as that moment, but I do get scared sometimes thinking about my family's wellbeing, health problems, aging, having enough money, the economy, the state of the world, others' suffering, etc.
Not having enough to eat, a home I can pay for, decent clothes to wear, enough for my family to eat, ways to avoid hospitals, nursing homes, DH dying, not being able to problem-solve the things that really need it, Alzheimers and similar disabilities, not being able to walk.
I have a serious case of baglady syndrome. Always afraid that the bottom is going to fall out from under us. Not sure where it came from. I do remember one time when I was around 11-12, which would have been the bottom of the early 80s recession, when my dad was having a really awful time at work and in what I now recognize as a pretty serious depression. He worked for Boeing, and one night made an off-hand comment that he might lose his job or be transferred to Wicheta, Kansas. I think the latter was even more frightening than the former! I had lived in the northwest my whole life, and the idea of being plopped down in Kansas was horrifying to me. Many years later I think a little farm in Kansas might not be such a bad thing, but at the time....
So, we have a really great networth and I have a decent-paying, pretty stable job that I excel at and am recognized for. DH's job situation is a bit more precarious, partly due to situations beyond his control, so that gives me a lot of anxiety. Right now I am concerned about some things that are coming up in a few weeks that I am not sure he will be able to resolve. If worse comes to worst, it may throw a lot of upheaval into our lives. I am trying to be zen about it. Nothing I can do to control it, so let what happens happen and deal with it when the time comes. It is hard, even though we have a more-than-generous enough emergency fund (at least two years of current expenses in liquid accounts) and I am sure he could find or create another job if he needed to -- maybe not with his current pay and benefits, but enough to keep us afloat. We have some pretty bouyant cushions around us if we need to use them, and solid skill sets and good work habits, so I don't know why I worry as much as I do.
lhamo
I'm really sscared thinking about how our live has changed since my DH stroke 8 weeks ago.When something like that happens you know that money is really not that important.I'm wondering will I be able to handle that he can't say more than a few words,constantly trying to figure out what it is he wants,when he comes home for the weekends.Right now I'm just so scared and tired don't know what to do.
Anita
Oh, Anita. I am sure you're really scared. Are you getting any support for you?
I hope you can get good services (speech therapy, physical therapy). I had a stroke and didn't get these, but my mother had a worse stroke and could afford those and benefited enough to where she became really close to her former self.
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