Angry people on the internet

[MudPuppy]

I follow several bloggers who write thought-provoking and occasionally challenging posts, and who tend to have some pretty intelligent discussion in their comments, as well. Recently, though, two of those blogs have had comment discussions that spiraled out of control into name-calling and general nastiness. In one, I received a mild personal attack on a comment I had made.

For the rest of the day, I struggled with a vague yucky feeling that was hard to place. I don't mind that the other commenter disagreed with me, but I was really disturbed by the harshness of her language and the general attitude of contempt with which she responded to me. And yet that level of anger and disrespect seems completely normal and accepted on the internet these days.

I think in the instance of my favorite blogs, I'm going to continue following the posts but refrain from reading the comments, at least for a while. I wish I knew some thoughtful, disarming tactics to change the tone of angry discussions online, but it feels like a complete waste. I find this discouraging.

[Yppej]

That's why I like SLN. It's so positive here.

[margerymermaid]

I empathize. I've been on the receiving end of such nastiness too and it's stopped me from commenting altogether. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but that is what I chose. If I'm tempted to comment on things now I ask myself 'what's my motivation' and unless I consider I have a pretty good reason, I don't say anything. It's a shame really, but I no longer like to lay myself wide open to those kinds of comments. This forum has always seem to be pretty good about stopping any kind of verbal abuse tho, and I appreciate that.

[Gina]

I enjoy reading several political blogs and know what you mean. The anonymity of the internet allows people to act and commonly say things they never would in real life when addressing someone face to face. Unfortunately this is the norm in all too many places. I don't see a solution other than to only read in places where this doesn't happen. But the downside of that is you don't get the full range of opinions, and it really is important IMO to know what's going on 'out there'. But I don't like it.

As to making comments, well, I'm on the chatty side so I can't help myself. >8) I don't curse nor make personal attacks, but I can get a bit snarky if someone is not nice. :devil: I accept everyone won't always like what I say. If someone takes exception, I try to not take it personally. The alternative is not participating. (It's hard to believe I was very shy when younger.)

[Glo]

Don't take things personally. Afterall, its the internet!

[Zoe Girl]

Oh boy, I had to learn the hard way to not take it personally and it is really hard. I realize that people would most likely not say that to me in person. For one thing I often get a vibe from a nasty person when we are in real life and things go different. I can pull my 'don't mess with this old punk' attitude out of my bag of tricks and often they don't even come close. Or if they are nasty in way that doesn't work I generally get a sense and avoid them altogether. The one person in the last year who really went through it all and was nasty to my face on multiple occassions didn't get to me the way the internet comments have. It was all part of an overall context where I could see her reactionary behavior and I had people who saw it too so during her crazy attack moments I just floated a little out of my body, let her rant and rave, and then came back to make my point again about something at work she had to correct. Exhausting, but I know what you mean about somehow the internet comments get under that natural barrier.

[iris lily]

...but I know what you mean about somehow the internet comments get under that natural barrier.

There is something about comments in writing that sink in with humans, more than the spoken word. It may be because if we've got it in writing we go back and look at it again and again, while the fleeting spoken word is gone after one hearing.

I know that I learned this before the internet, when in this neighborhood we had to approach people about their problem properties. I learned that a phone call or in-person meeting went so much better than a letter, even though some on the board wanted to send a letter in writing so that it would be more "official" but since we have no legal authority there is nothing "official" about our warnings. We leave that officious communication to the City.

[loosechickens]

I don't think this would be helpful with the nasty, often obscene, spammer types of ugly remarks sometimes seen on internet forums, because that really does relate to the fact that people will behave sometimes with the relative anonymity of the internet, in ways that they would never behave in real life, because if they did, they would have no job, friends or even family members who would want to have anything to do with them. And sometimes people who post vile things are mentally ill, have substance abuse problems and other difficulties, too.

That said, often people get upset in places like these forums, when someone posts something they take as unfair criticism, snark, etc., and often that arises because written communications often do not convey tone, expression, feeling, etc., so can be misinterpreted, or as Iris Lily said, assume more importance because they are there in black and white.

Although I try never to say anything on the internet that I wouldn't say in person, I have seen that sometimes my comments are misinterpreted, taken more strongly than meant, etc., which is something that almost never happens to me in real life, which speaks to the difficulties of the written medium.

It just happened that I saw an interesting piece this morning, with some good thoughts on how to react when you feel yourself questioned, criticized, etc., in a forum such as this one.

One thing my father always taught me was that you learn more from your enemies than you do from your friends. And you also learn more about yourself from the people who disagree with you or criticize you than you do from those who agree. And often that information can be put to good use in your own personal growth, because if you examine their comments objectively and with introspection, often you learn a lot about yourself, often things you have some degree of denial about. So thought this piece was especially appropriate in this thread.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/defend-explain-justify_b_832000.html

[rodeosweetheart]

I think it is the medium, I really do. If I did not work online, I would go on hiatus from the internet completely, and I think I would be much healthier. The negativity out there is astounding. Yet i have gotten some wonderful ideas from this board, especially about working and money, and so I can't give it up completely. So I guess it's a two edged sword, and if I ever get work that is locally based, I think I could happily leave the INternet behind.

[puglogic]

My business has me on the Web most of the time, and I find it a lazy, nasty, cowardly medium most of the time. There are oases, like SLN, and I stick to them.

[screamingflea]

"The Lord gave us two ears and one mouth that we may listen before we speak. Unfortunately He also gave us two eyes and ten fingers, which explains a lot of what we see on the Internet."

:-P

[CathyA]

Some people are just mean all the time and it shows on the internet. But some people take real advantage of the anonymity of the internet and go crazy with rudeness. I never understood that. I'm the same person on the internet as I am in real life (good or bad....haha). My point is, I don't change when I'm on the internet. I think alot of people lose control of their reason there and they think there is no consequence for their rudeness. Unfortunately, that's pretty much true!
The only recourse we have is to continue to be reasonable, fair people.

[Mrs-M]

"Kill 'em with kindness" is my adage. :) (And yes, I do at times fail at practicing my own spoken words, but I always try and be the best that I can be).

[jp1]

I agree that there are a lot of harsh people on unmoderated discussion boards. However, I also have noticed that on mature (meaning that lots of regulars post there regularly) message boards there also tends to be a fair amount of self-policing where the "sane" regulars will stick up for each other and call out the a--holes for their behavior. And after spending enough time on any specific board like that one can figure out who the decent people are and who the jerks are and learn to ignore the jerks. Even though I have a thick enough skin to survive fine in places like that, I definitely prefer somewhere like here where people generally get along and can disagree without resorting to outright name calling and pointless rudeness.

[steve s]

The few times I have blogged about contentious issues, I had to moderate.

I am happy with comments like, "I disagree with @somebody because blah, blah, blah. . . " sre fine with me.

Comments like, "@somebody is a . . . demeaning adjective. . .demeaning noun. . . " get deleted without apology.

I do not consider this to be censorship or to require justification, since the writer of any comment on my blog can get his/her own blog for free and barf away. But not on my blog.