restructuring your life

[pinkytoe]

I've reached a point where I must make some changes. Googling around, I found the following questions that might be a good start to analyzing assets vs deficits. How would you answer these?:
What works well in your life right now?
Work/life balance
Finances
Home life
Overall health
What makes you unhappy these days?
Unfulfilling work
Lack of clarity about future plans, ie what to look forward to
Unspecified sense of boredom
Now the hard work begins of making action items under each gripe.
Just curious what others might list as "unhappies".

[Gardenarian]

Thanks - this was enlightening for me:

What works well in your life right now?
Cutting back on work hours this semester was a really good idea. It gave me time to catch up, and to think things through – though I seem to always keep my stress load set to Maximum.

Work/life balance
I’m trying to feel that my life is more integrated, and so not have these strict work/life divisions. Enjoying work as part of life. (This is a lot easier working fewer hours.)

Finances
We are okay, but very disorganized. I have just set up a budget worksheet, and am filling it in with what we would ideally choose to spend and comparing it to what we actually spend.

Home life
Very successful homeschooling year. My dd started at community college and is enjoying it, and at 14 is now pretty much taking charge of her education (and making good choices.) Though I still oversee what’s happening and DH and I spend time chauffeuring, it’s going well. I like having a teenager! I wish our house was less messy, quieter, less cluttered (if wishes were horses…)

Overall health
Lousy. I’m going in for foot surgery in a few weeks and will be in bed for a month. That, on top of a whole lot of other stuff – by far the largest source of gloom in my life.

What makes you unhappy these days?
See above.

Unfulfilling work
My library work is mostly fulfilling and fun. I’m enjoying commuting with dd. Turning my cabin into vacation rental has been an amazing learning experience, and financially it is turning into a real cash cow. I wish I had more time to write (which I will after foot surgery.)

Lack of clarity about future plans
Yes, dh and I are getting old. We disagree on where we want to spend the future, what we want to be doing, and whether we even want to do it together. I’m pretty clear on what I want, and willing to compromise on place, but he is very unsure. We're both feeling daunted by the idea of dd leaving the nest.

Unspecified sense of boredom
Nope, I don’t have time to be bored.

I find myself stressing out about housework a lot. I probably spend too much time on Pinterest looking at dream rooms. I dislike cleaning and cooking and all that. I want our house to feel like a refuge, a place that replenishes my soul, but I often walk in the door and see the walls that need painting, the cracked linoleum, the cr@p that dd leaves all over the place, the NOISE from stereo, loud phone conversations, dh recording/practicing/teaching/rehearsing, and living near the airport...the hearing that I do have (not much) is subject to hyperacusis, so I find noise very painful. I have a goal to soundproof our laundry room (which is quite large, though ugly in the bare-cement-block way) and use it as my office.

What has been helpful for me is to try and decompartmentalize my life - integrating everything into a whole. My goal is to feel like I'm in the flow most of the time, whatever I'm doing. Part mindfulness, part attitude. I have made some concrete changes toward this; using one calendar for everything (rather than separate work/writing/homeschool/etc. calendars); whittling down my wardrobe to things that I can wear for anything - to work, hiking, gardening; having one email address; trying to use all my talents in all my ventures.

[herbgeek]

OK, I'll play. :)

What works well in your life right now? I'm getting to enjoy the benefits of choices made long ago to be frugal. I have a happy home, and good health and relatively good luck.
Work/life balance- much better since I started working at home 2 days/week. Still takes up more of my life than I'd like- would eventuallylike to go part time
Finances- comfortable. Last couple of years hubby switched to a way more conservative portfolio, so we're not seeing the gains we have had in the past, but also not seeing losses.
Home life- the last 2 years, my husband finally stepped up and became a true partner on the housework. I tease him about the aliens that took my husband and how I like this 2.0 replacement better. LOL. My cats that are older are still in relatively good health and provide a lot of entertainment.
Overall health
What makes you unhappy these days?- not having much time for anything outside of work during the week. See above about work life balance. When I do have time, I don't have the mental energy to start a new project at night.
Unfulfilling work- housework. Hate it, think its a waste of my life energy but it needs to be done.
Lack of clarity about future plans, ie what to look forward to- hubby is a contractor, which makes it hard to plan vacations. Plus, he really doesn't like going places much- he'd rather be home. I don't know who I will be traveling with in retirement.
Unspecified sense of boredom- I get it every year at this time, just put the garden to bed, too early to plan next year, my family doesn't do presents anymore except for the kids, so I don't have any projects to work on. Want a creative outlet, but haven't figured out what's next.

[Gardenarian]

.
Home life- the last 2 years, my husband finally stepped up and became a true partner on the housework. I tease him about the aliens that took my husband and how I like this 2.0 replacement better.

+1000
How'd that happen? Just evolution?

[pinkytoe]

I guess I am fortunate there. DH has always split chores with me 50/50.

[SteveinMN]

What works well in your life right now? Most of it. I could sleep a little better (see "Overall health"). I could be less tempted by a lifetime of learning (reading, Webinars, checking four newspaper sites a day) and more tempted by earning some $$. Still working on getting possessions down to essentials. But most of it is good.
Work/life balance Much better since I said goodbye to the HSSJ. It is so pleasing to be able to have a plan for the day that actually has a good chance of being carried out. I used to get dogged at work for not having much in the way of multistep Gantt-chart project plans. My response was that constantly-changing customer deadlines, frequent about-faces in leadership and budgeting over the course of months, and fighting fires which could last from two hours to two weeks made detailed planning seem like a waste of time.
Finances Good. We are living within our means except for forays into savings for property taxes. It was always understood that major car repairs, appliance replacement, etc. would come out of savings, too, until more income came in. But we seem to do OK without touching savings except for that big semi-annual bill.
Home life Wonderful. I have a bunch of time to myself (love it!) so when DW comes home, I don't need to disappear to recover from the day. DW loves that all she has to do is work and not bother with chores, errands, etc.
Overall health OK. I still struggle with making exercise a priority. It's kind of the one thing I need to work on and yet the interest just is not there. Winter won't help that, either.
What makes you unhappy these days? I hate when people tell me they're going to do something and they don't. I understand things don't always happen the way people expect (happens to me, too). But to blitz right through hoping I'd forget or failing to at least say they were sorry I was disappointed? C'mon. I'm not stupid. #fwp though.
Unfulfilling work Not a problem. There are household chores I dislike (talk to me the first time I half-freeze snowblowing the driveway), but in exchange for pushing myself into a cube for a HSSJ, nothing is unfulfilling.
Lack of clarity about future plans, ie what to look forward to For us, the big question. I've discovered I don't need to make as much a go of my photography business as I thought I would -- a plus. But I'm finding it hard to break in to the business (see "What works well") and I wonder what there is that I can offer customers that is either unique or offers more value than some college student with a cheap DSLR and some time on his/her hands.
Unspecified sense of boredom Nope.
Now the hard work begins of making action items under each gripe. Heh. I have an entire list! For me, the hard work is getting these finely-chiseled and -decorated wheels rolling.

Lorem ipsum here. Forum software won't let me post because it thinks I'm just quoting and nothing else.

[herbgeek]

+1000
How'd that happen? Just evolution?

I have no idea. If I did, I would have tried to do it much earlier (we've been married 28 years).

[catherine]

Work/life balance

This is GREAT. Couldn't be better. Being self-employed I work a lot and work hard, but when I'm not working I have real downtime.
Finances

OK, just the opposite of above. It sucks, for all the reasons I've stated elsewhere. But as long as I can keep the importance of money in perspective, I'm cool with it, while I do my best to rectify this fiasco. I do absolutely everything I need right now.
Home life

My home life is fine. I have one personal issue I care not to share, but otherwise, I love where I am when I'm not working (and I work from home, so I'm pretty happy most days)
Overall health

Yeah, so far so good. I seem to be driving a Honda in that department. Over 100,000 miles traveled and not much maintenance needed. In fact, none.
What makes you unhappy these days?

I try to reject unhappiness instantly when it crops up, but I do have that issue I mentioned earlier that requires diligently monitoring my attitude.
Unfulfilling work

I don't have unfulfilling work, but I dream of more fulfilling work--more time to work on permaculture endeavors. Sometimes I complain about the fact that Big Pharma is paying my bills, but I do find that what I do does help the greater good in some ways.
Lack of clarity about future plans, ie what to look forward to

Well, the good thing about getting older is the future gets shorter. I look forward to everything coming up in m life. I have plenty to look forward to
Unspecified sense of boredom

Are you kidding? Life is a cabaret, old chum
My action items are to focus more and more on the things that I find to be fun, and to distance myself from what distracts me from that.
ETA this action item, which I just read in this blog post (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/livingaholyadventure/2013/11/charles-eistenstein-saving-the-world-and-the-george-bailey-principle/):

I am appreciative of Mother Theresa’s counsel to do something beautiful for God. It serves a guide for our interpersonal and institutional relationships: Do I want by this word or act to give God more or less beauty? Is this policy creating beauty or leaving destruction in its wake? In loving the creatures, I love the creator, overcoming the dualism of God and the world and heaven and earth.

[Spartana]

I've reached a point where I must make some changes. Googling around, I found the following questions that might be a good start to analyzing assets vs deficits. How would you answer these?:
What works well in your life right now?
Work/life balance
Finances
Home life
Overall health
What makes you unhappy these days?
Unfulfilling work
Lack of clarity about future plans, ie what to look forward to
Unspecified sense of boredom
Now the hard work begins of making action items under each gripe.
Just curious what others might list as "unhappies".
I always think that the best way to go about this is to first and foremost determine WHAT exactly you want in life and how you want to live it and then make those choices irregardless of work or money (within reason of course) to find that life rather than the other way around.

[pinkytoe]

first and foremost determine WHAT exactly you want in life
I wish it were that easy. I am one of those who has always been scattered about that question so it feels like it depends on the day and the phase of the moon how I might answer. I think I just need a long, long break from work to think clearly once again. I would love to be retired but that isn't happening anytime real soon so...

[Spartana]

I wish it were that easy. I am one of those who has always been scattered about that question so it feels like it depends on the day and the phase of the moon how I might answer. I think I just need a long, long break from work to think clearly once again. I would love to be retired but that isn't happening anytime real soon so... Ha Ha - Scattered me too. I always want to do everything and try everything and so often seem scattered trying to fit it all into my life. Being off work DOES help though :-)!. I think that taking long sabbaticals from work, if you can afford it, is a great way to pin point what you want in life. I did that and my long sabbatical actually turned into early retirement very unexpectedly. So ya never know.

As for how I actually make things work to find the right balance and do what I love, is that I try to keep things as basic and simple as possible so that I have very few "unhappies" in my life. Pretty much can choose only the "happies" to follow. Very uncluttered minimalist for easy cleaning. Small house space for easy cleaning and maintenance. Don't really schedule anything so that I can be free to do what I want when I have free time. Reduce my "to do" list for chores as much as possible. Don't have a lot, if any, projects I am involved in for the house, yard, crafts, art, maintenance, etc... and often hire help to do those chores so that I have more free time (for example I have a gardener to do the yard work so I can use that time doing stuff I enjoy.) Keep my volunteering to ones that have great meaning to me (homeless military Vets and animals) but also allow the flexibility to not be involved if I want to do something else.

So basicly I just keep my life as simple and uncomplicated as possible so that I can spend what free time I have doing all those things I love or are interested in. Similair to the book "Eat, Pray, Love", I follow the "Eat, Play, Sleep" simple lifestyle as much as possible :-)!

[pinkytoe]

Husbands, house, grown kids, cats and dogs
They have a way of complicating matters...but I still love them. Lately, both dh and I have been muttering the phrase "if I lived alone"... At this stage, one thinks about it more than before.

[kib]

What I've come to realize is that I'm "programmed" to give away my forward momentum, because I was raised with a control freak who wouldn't hear of me making my own choices. Every decision I "made" was just another opportunity to be reminded that I certainly wasn't qualified or entitled to have a life of my own making, and that I was ungrateful and disappointing to think so.

So ... for at least 40 years, I've had a coping strategy of keeping my progress under the radar and hiding it from anyone who might get in the way. Which isn't great for either marital harmony or progress. Yes, living alone would be MUCH easier, but I think the underlying issue is this business of starting in the middle - with the project - instead of at the beginning, with that faulty coping mechanism.

Spartana, that is so weird, I have just been rereading Eat Pray Love, and thinking of how it relates to this. The problem is not finding the eating, playing or loving, it's finding internal permission to own it.

Anyone else think the unhappies might be more a matter of emotional handcuffs than actual circumstance?

[Lainey]

. . .Anyone else think the unhappies might be more a matter of emotional handcuffs than actual circumstance?

That's what the cognitive behavior therapists would say. And I do agree that it can be tough to overcome childhood conditioning, although very worth it.

[Spartana]

.

Spartana, that is so weird, I have just been rereading Eat Pray Love, and thinking of how it relates to this. The problem is not finding the eating, playing or loving, it's finding internal permission to own it.

Anyone else think the unhappies might be more a matter of emotional handcuffs than actual circumstance?

Those emotional handcuffs CAN be strong and it's hard to unshackle yourself from them. A sense of personal responsibility to others, societial expectation, or just the lack of emotional ability to make the choices needed to change yourself often hamper people from being true to themselves. No sage wisdom from me on how to break those shackles and live your own life (without the potential for repercussions at least) except to "try" new things you'd think would be changes for the "happies" and just see what happens. The repercussions or reactions from others you think might arise may not, or you may realize you don't really care as much what others think or do in response, and maybe it will help loosen those emotional handcuffs enough to slip free of them forever :-)!

[ApatheticNoMore]

Anyone else think the unhappies might be more a matter of emotional handcuffs than actual circumstance?


That's what the cognitive behavior therapists would say. And I do agree that it can be tough to overcome childhood conditioning, although very worth it.

That may be but if so I'm not sure why anyone would think it would be easier to change one's emotional handcuffs than actual circumstances. So actual circumstances may be hard to change (in some cases if one wants the impossible, impossible, but let's assume one does not want that). One's psyche can be very hard to change as well. In fact little on earth seems more difficult than untangling psychological matters. :\ (a comment on difficulty is just a comment on difficulty and by itself implies nothing on what is worth doing and not)


No sage wisdom from me on how to break those shackles and live your own life (without the potential for repercussions at least) except to "try" new things you'd think would be changes for the "happies" and just see what happens.

always decent advice. And I wouldn't mind sabbaticals. The truth is I utterly fear never getting hired again if I took them. Oh but I shouldn't fear that, eh well talk to the hand :~) Because I'm not convinced. :~)

[Spartana]

always decent advice. And I wouldn't mind sabbaticals. The truth is I utterly fear never getting hired again if I took them. Oh but I shouldn't fear that, eh well talk to the hand :~) Because I'm not convinced. :~) FEAR! That is usually what holds people back from everything - and it's certainly justifiable too. Fear of losing a job, or not getting another job. Fear of losing a spouse, or love, or a home, or a certain type of lifestyle, or friendships, a certain standing in the community, or respect, or.... whatever. Those are the repercussions that I was talking about. Those are the things that may happen if someone decides to make changes in their life to find greater happiness and be more true to themselves. And people do need to look at those fears and potential ramifications when deciding if making changes for greater happiness in life is worth those trade-offs - or actually "potential" trade-offs and ramifications because you never know exactly what will really happen when you take a chance to make your life the way you really want it. But I do think we all know what happens if people choose to live a unhappy life - they'll live an unhappy life! Or as Henry David T. wrote: "A life of quiet desperation" (a phrase that chills me to the bone). So yeah, a person can live their life in fear of the unknown and make safe but unfulfilling choices and they pretty much know what their life will be like. They can continue to live the lives of quiet desperation and perhaps have regrets. Or they can try to overcome the fears that hold them back from living fully (fears that may never actually manifest themselves in a persons life ever). They may have regrets at doing that too but then, maybe not. The road not taken and all that :-)! Now how do people get over that fear? I have no idea but sometimes if you take small chances and they come out OK, then taking a bigger leap next might not seem so scary.