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ToomuchStuff
11-30-13, 2:17pm
Anyone ever successfully convince their family not to buy them stuff they don't need, won't use and would rather not store? How did you go about it?

Every year she wants a Christmas list and I keep telling her I don't need/want anything. This year I gave her one item (magazine subscription to one I buy on occasion/not available at the library) and she is complaining that is not enough. I am sorting though one closet, in hopes to put some long sleeve winter shirts in it. It is FILLED with t shirts, she keeps buying at $1 a pop. (thrift store will be happy). She will still give me consumables I don't need (already have 10+ spare bars of soap and 8 deodorant sticks, etc). Just feels like an enormous waste to flood someone with stuff, so they have to take time/fuel etc. to take it to a donation spot. (she won't donate instead for a gift, tried that for a couple of years).

Christmas should be for the grandkids (my nieces and nephews). She still thinks us kids need to be bought for. Feels like walking the Christmas treadmill, just keep walking but don't get anywhere.

Tradd
11-30-13, 2:53pm
Would you be open to receiving gift cards - favorite restaurant, coffee shop, grocery store? Or consumables - coffee, tea, favorite goody?

Sounds like your mom won't stop, so your best bet might be redirection to cgift cards/consumables?

sweetana3
11-30-13, 6:47pm
You have two choices:

Complain and argue with her endlessly until you two are not speaking.

Or give her a very clear detailed list of those things you really need. Gift cards for specific stores, grocery, coffee, gas for car, etc. that you know you will use. We buy these for ourselves when we get a big enough discount. What grocery items could she shop for and wrap? Toilet paper, tissue paper, dish towels, pet food, laundry detergent, etc. Make sure you list cash for rent and utilities.

Make sure your list tells her what not to get also so you don't get more soap, etc. I mean she asked for a specific list so go ahead and make it specific.

goldensmom
11-30-13, 7:08pm
For 30 years I've been asking my mother-in-law to not give me anything but she continues to give me junk, yard sale things she likes, clothes too small or too big or really not me, used or clearanced and ugly. I decided to just take it, say thank you then give or throw it away later. If there is no changing the gifter than change the attitude/actions of the giftee. Make it not a big deal to you.

iris lilies
11-30-13, 7:33pm
For 30 years I've been asking my mother-in-law to not give me anything but she continues to give me junk, yard sale things she likes, clothes too small or too big or really not me, used or clearanced and ugly. I decided to just take it, say thank you then give or throw it away later. If there is no changing the gifter than change the attitude/actions of the giftee. Make it not a big deal to you.
Exactly, we've got a gifter like that. Fortunately, now DH is on board with throwing it all out. He just comes home from the gifting extravaganza, puts it all on the dining room table, and lets me sweep it all away. In the early days it was depressing because he would haul it all upstairs and jam it into his overflowing closet where he wouldn't touch it for years. Now he's savvy to what this stuff is--useless.

razz
11-30-13, 7:49pm
Anyone ever successfully convince their family not to buy them stuff they don't need, won't use and would rather not store? How did you go about it?

Every year she wants a Christmas list and I keep telling her I don't need/want anything. This year I gave her one item (magazine subscription to one I buy on occasion/not available at the library) and she is complaining that is not enough. I am sorting though one closet, in hopes to put some long sleeve winter shirts in it. It is FILLED with t shirts, she keeps buying at $1 a pop. (thrift store will be happy). She will still give me consumables I don't need (already have 10+ spare bars of soap and 8 deodorant sticks, etc). Just feels like an enormous waste to flood someone with stuff, so they have to take time/fuel etc. to take it to a donation spot. (she won't donate instead for a gift, tried that for a couple of years).

Christmas should be for the grandkids (my nieces and nephews). She still thinks us kids need to be bought for. Feels like walking the Christmas treadmill, just keep walking but don't get anywhere.
What about giving her the gift of a long list that you enjoy giving to others or other organizations. Towels for humane societies, nice soaps and toothpaste for family/womens shelters, matching toques, mitts and scarves for the homeless etc. Make the gifts to you something that can be shared with others.
She wants to give gifts, it is important to her to do so ... so let her.

iris lilies
11-30-13, 7:57pm
What about giving her the gift of a long list that you enjoy giving to others or other organizations. Towels for humane societies, nice soaps and toothpaste for family/womens shelters, matching toques, mitts and scarves for the homeless etc. Make the gifts to you something that can be shared with others.
She wants to give gifts, it is important to her to do so ... so let her.

razz, good idea. Shelters and food banks need all kinds of personal care items, so I'm told.

reader99
12-1-13, 7:02am
For 30 years I've been asking my mother-in-law to not give me anything but she continues to give me junk, yard sale things she likes, clothes too small or too big or really not me, used or clearanced and ugly. I decided to just take it, say thank you then give or throw it away later. If there is no changing the gifter than change the attitude/actions of the giftee. Make it not a big deal to you.

That's the manners I was brought up with - say thank you and then later dispose of it quietly.

fidgiegirl
12-1-13, 12:45pm
That's an elegant answer, razz. I like it a lot. Toomuchstuff, I can sympathize with your dilemma. I learned long ago to do like iris lily, goldensmom, reader99 and others . . . smile, take it, and then off to the donation box or garbage it goes. I am lucky to have curbside pickup so if I don't choose to drive it somewhere else, I don't have to. But I can see where it's frustrating not to be heard. My mom is the same way. Lots, LOTS, lots to love about her, but hearing/listening . . . sometimes not so much.

creaker
12-1-13, 1:12pm
I just try to get folks to hold it down to a minimum, and then everything I don't really want goes to Goodwill or the trash.

I am trying extra hard to come up with small gift suggestions that I would actually use this year, there just isn't much.

SteveinMN
12-1-13, 2:23pm
For years, my mom has presented this embarrassingly-large spread of Christmas gifts, all the while decrying that "gift-giving can't be what it used to be". After years (in triplicate) of telling her that we are gathering for the family celebration, not the stuff, it has changed little. Even attempts to get her to contribute to charities in lieu did not get anywhere.

I've concluded that this is my mother's "love language" (as discussed in another thread here). Some people really derive a great deal of pleasure from giving. Just because it's not my language does not invalidate the gesture or what my mother gets out of it. And so long as it doesn't look like she's forgoing paying the electric bill to buy presents, I guess it's best to say thank you and then do what we like with the gift (they're not all junk BTW).

katieb12
12-1-13, 6:39pm
It's gotten better in my family of origin, partly because of financial constraints and partly because I finally got through to Mom about not wanting "stuff". For the last few years, I've received a gift card for massage for my birthday. :D Yeah baby.

puglogic
12-1-13, 11:35pm
I love Razz's idea.

I have also asked for things that I want like a gift certificate for a massage, a National parks pass or State Parks pass, a punch card at the local Rec Center (where we love hanging out and exercising) and food items that I can stretch for a long time, like a big ham or roast, a jug of real maple syrup, a pound of really great coffee beans, etc.

And if she insists on not giving you those things, and instead giving you junk you don't need or want, find somewhere to donate it. You could also ask for something it would be easy to turn around and sell on eBay. Apologies to the traditional folks out there who find that ghastly, but I had a relative like that, and we sold one of her gifts for enough money to pay the electric bill.

I agree with the love language comment as well. This is something that makes her feel good. See if you can unplug the resentments (she is who she is) and find a way to make it work for you both.

rodeosweetheart
12-2-13, 5:50am
See, I am having trouble with all the resentments that seem to underlie the discussion--can't you just be happy someone wants to give you something? That, in itself, is a very lovely spot to be in.

I know it makes me really touches that my 87 yr old parents still try to think of something to get us that we might like--if they don't happen to guess right, then so what? It's not just about pleasing me, right? Gifts are about a connection, they want to give you something. They are so HAPPY to call us and say, What would you like, can we pick out something from the LL Bean Catalog for you? It makes them feel like they're still int he game. And they are happiest when they think of something on own, because then it's not a gift to order.

And I know this,because I feel exactly the same way when I buy something for my now grown up kids. I still get to be their mom, which is lovely.

I think of it in terms of when the kids are little and they give you something they made--it may not be gorgeous or well made of the least bit useful--but it is thrilling when they want to give you something. Can you reframe the gifts that way, see it as an expression of them and their love for you?

sweetana3
12-2-13, 9:32am
Rodeosweetheart, thank you for the reminder. Sometimes I get so wound up in me, me, me that I need someone to remind me that it is about someone else too.

catherine
12-2-13, 10:29am
She is helping you out of this dilemma by asking for a list. As a mom, I can certainly relate to loving that list. Isn't there something you could tell her would mean something to you? It sounds like it gives her great pleasure to give you something, and the fact that she asks you for a list means she doesn't really want to give you something you perceive as useless.

Isn't there something you could ask for? Even if it's a donation to a favorite cause in your name? Or a gift that supports a cause you like--such as Beads for Life or something like that? Iris Lilies' quiz on Love Languages indicates that some people see gifts as a way to say I love you.. so she may be one of those.. and you're not.. simple as that. Try to give her some direction and then take the gift in the spirit in which it was offered.

I've told my kids/DH that all I want for Christmas is a receipt for a payment towards one of my debts LOL.

JaneV2.0
12-2-13, 10:35am
Brava, Rodeosweetheart--what a compassionate post! Very refreshing.

iris lilies
12-2-13, 10:41am
She is helping you out of this dilemma by asking for a list. As a mom, I can certainly relate to loving that list. Isn't there something you could tell her would mean something to you? It sounds like it gives her great pleasure to give you something, and the fact that she asks you for a list means she doesn't really want to give you something you perceive as useless.

Isn't there something you could ask for?...

The OP has already stated that his mother isn't satisfied with One Thing. It must be a market basket of ch*t.

The gifter we know values quantity over quality and for some reason, consumables are not gift worthy. It must be a thing--something to sit around the house and collect dust or a piece of useless clothing. And polyester is high in the content.

But rodeosweetheart, I hear your message and will attempt to internalize it on this, another Christmas, with another pile of obligatory crap. :)

ToomuchStuff
12-2-13, 11:56am
See, I am having trouble with all the resentments that seem to underlie the discussion--can't you just be happy someone wants to give you something? That, in itself, is a very lovely spot to be in.

I know it makes me really touches that my 87 yr old parents still try to think of something to get us that we might like--if they don't happen to guess right, then so what? It's not just about pleasing me, right? Gifts are about a connection, they want to give you something. They are so HAPPY to call us and say, What would you like, can we pick out something from the LL Bean Catalog for you? It makes them feel like they're still int he game. And they are happiest when they think of something on own, because then it's not a gift to order.

And I know this,because I feel exactly the same way when I buy something for my now grown up kids. I still get to be their mom, which is lovely.

I think of it in terms of when the kids are little and they give you something they made--it may not be gorgeous or well made of the least bit useful--but it is thrilling when they want to give you something. Can you reframe the gifts that way, see it as an expression of them and their love for you?


Not resentment in my case, and for me to assume others, well you know the old saying about assuming. Concern is my issue. I understand the guilty pleasure one gets from giving and we do get each other items throughout the year, when ones needs something and we find it. This can be as simple as picking up something from the grocery store on the way over, to one of my mom's favorite things, garage sales. (she looks for tools I want) My father, when I want something leather (one of his hobbies) he makes it for me (or any of his kids/grandkids). The end of the year thing, is pointless and pushed by the commercialism of the whole thing.
My concern is more financial. I won't go into specifics, but there have been medical issues in the last few years and to see a repeating pattern, over and over, just makes no sense to me. Just because your in a culture (consume, buy more, etc), doesn't mean your a part of it or have to be. Parents try to teach their kids that growing up (if everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you) and like so many things, the hypocrisy of it (do as I say and not as I do).

In answer to some of the others questions, I will try the gift card thing again, but expect the same answer (grocery store/gas station gift cards are not presents). Otherwise, she knows I used to receive quite a few of them through work (it took me 10 years to use up the movie gift cards I received, giving the nieces and nephews them several times, over the years, I see very few movies).
I think the donations will end up continuing.

rodeosweetheart
12-2-13, 2:19pm
"But rodeosweetheart, I hear your message and will attempt to internalize it on this, another Christmas, with another pile of obligatory crap."

Iris, I had to laugh at this, since I read it "will attempt to internalize this, another Christmas, with another pile of obligatory crap"!

And hey, it may be crap!