this false cheery face

I am feeling better in so many ways compared to the winter when I really tanked out mental health wise. I have had a couple people notice that I look much better, and a friend on the phone yesterday who noted I have changed over the last couple months. Maybe I am doing better

Still, I really am in a vulnerable, wobbly state. I still have this underlying feeling if people really knew what I do they would not support me. And I am seeing how many ways I want to hurt or punish myself. I cannot quite figure out if this is just the very painful way of getting through something I have been acting out for years, or if I am actually doing worse. But I also know that one more blow could just push me over right now, worse than January

I saw my old supervisor yesterday for tea, and we talked about the state of the department. She is having a hard time and trying to leave (after 17 years and a lot of respect). She told me some stories that made me very mad, and she is also using the counseling service (she said I get 10 sessions! not just 5, I am calling tomorrow). I told her about the things that happened to my breakdown, and in general how it was. I could see tears on the edge of her eyes. That idea that yoyu need to totally hit bottom to renew may be true but it sucks.

Very likely at this time you are more vulnerable to a sense of being defeated, maybe undeserving of a chance for more fulfilling employment, maybe incapable, maybe just "a bad piece of work".

It may be that your job search will be met with rejection (initially), and your move into simpler housing will involve some sense of loss and frustration.

I would say that you can still focus on what you can control and do control. You control what you do and say. And what you "say" includes what you say to yourself about your situation and the developments that come along in your life story (good/bad/indifferent developments).

So, why not practice some self talk that you know is resilient and hardy?
Something basic, like "I am capable and lovable"...
Something that describes your present situation as a challenge, rather than a catastrophe ...
And tell yourself when/where/how you personally have mastered other challenges before, probably bigger challenges than these... in your long life and varied experiences.

This morning I was looking over a book about Albert Schweitzer. I read that he had been interned for three years as a prisoner of war by the French. It was not that Schweitzer had been a soldier captured in battle, he was an Alsatian civilian and a medical doctor. So the French decided they needed to take away his shoes and lock him in a camp for the duration of the war. As soon as he was released, Schweitzer went back to his hospital in Africa... out of his need to be of service. You probably have your own inspirational figures. This might be a good time to dust off one or two of them.