When to avoid/when to say something?

[herbgeek]

I've been friends with B for about 5 years. As she has gotten more comfortable with me, she has started to treat me like family and that means unsolicited advice and comments you might give your sister. I finally had enough and have been avoiding her since she was at my house in October-she called last night and I feel so guilty not calling her back. I have no desire to really keep up the relationship for a number of reasons, but telling her this will likely result in a guilt trip on me.

What are the rules of thumb you use in when to speak up and when to just avoid a person without any confrontation?

[Jilly]

I do not know about rules, but it seems pointless to have people in your life who complicate things, make you feel bad and are not behaving in a way that supports you. It is in our best interest to let those people go. Tell or do not tell, your choice.

No guilt allowed. O.K., I guess that is the one rule I would apply here.

[meri]

I don't rally have any rules. In general I am trying to avoid confrontations and arguments whenever possible. But I am also honest and open because I found out I feel better and act better towards everyone if I am. When I am not, I feel guilty and as a result I tend to hide and run away and that's no good for anyone around.

That means I do tell people if I am not interested in being in touch with them and keeping any kind of relationship. I would tell the person that the relationship has become more of a burden than something enriching and that it makes no sense to me to expose myself unnecessarily to emotionally draining situations and spend time in any way that makes my feel uncomfortable ... if that is the way it is, I say it.

If the other person does not accept it then my "oh no, no confrontation please" part of personality takes over and I walk away. I have explained myself and I do not need to be guilty for my own feelings and decisions about my time, energy and emotions and I would not make excuses for it either.

[Miss Cellane]

Having been on the receiving end of a conversations such as meri describes, I would not confront the person about why you are ending the relationship, unless you think that they have done something that really needs to be addressed because it affects other people or is dangerous behavior. It is not pleasant to be told you are unfit for someone's company, and not to be allowed to explain your actions when they have just been thrown in your face in a complete misinterpretation is not fair. And having such a conversation could lead to a lot of drama, if this person is the type to contact all your common friends and acquaintances.

If you want to end the relationship, just end it. Block this person on Facebook or other social media. Return her call a week or so after she calls and simply be too busy to make plans, or even have a long phone call with her. Or send an email instead of calling. Make it short and just say you are quite busy right now.

The relationship will die a natural death if you simply don't make contact with her.

Personally, I feel it is better to leave someone slightly puzzled about why the friendship ended, than to take half an hour listing their faults to their face.

[meri]

Maybe I have not explained myself clearly (sorry, my English is not the best) ... I was not talking about half an hour long listing of someone's faults and not being polite enough to listen to the other person's reply. I believe it's possible to say it shortly and in a decent but firm way.

I just think it's fair to let one know what the situation is rather than letting them unsure why am I neglecting to reply to their messages and avoid meeting them without any explanation.

So yes, I have told an acquaintance that I won't answer her calls and I won't be meeting her any more because even after being kindly asked not to do so several times, she kept provoking arguments about politics and making radical statement about the matter every single time which made me anxious and very uneasy. I felt and still feel that it was fair to let her know about it and maybe it might help her to be less radical and even aggressive in expressing her opinions about the matter at every possible occasion. I know it is affecting a lot of her relationships but she is such a dominant person that hardly anyone ever tells her.

Also I have had the pleasure of experiencing the 'silent death of relationship without any explanation' when not so distant relative of mine pretty much deleted me from her life without letting me know that it's happening and why. At that time I have been living abroad and had hard time contacting someone else only to make sure she is still alive and healthy ... and that nobody has a clue what has happened. I must have been tiresome sending her e-mails, text messages and leaving voicemails and until today I still believe she could have saved me a lot of worry and panicky feelings and both of us a lot of discomfort and uneasy feelings had she told me that she is quitting any relationship and contacts whatsoever.



Of course it's only my opinion and I admit that it's based on my preferences when I am the 'rejected' one.

[lmerullo]

As much as I understand your point of view, and really would much prefer it - I would be the type to shrink for any such conversation. I would be the one who would hope for a quiet dying of a relationship over any other method. (If I were initiating that end).

I also have been "cut" from some contacts, and the hurt still happens, even if some small part of me also rejoices that THAT DRAMA is ended, IYKWIM.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

As much as I understand your point of view, and really would much prefer it - I would be the type to shrink for any such conversation. I would be the one who would hope for a quiet dying of a relationship over any other method. (If I were initiating that end).

I also have been "cut" from some contacts, and the hurt still happens, even if some small part of me also rejoices that THAT DRAMA is ended, IYKWIM.

My thoughts exactly. Just let it die a natural death.

[herbgeek]

In my case, I'm most annoyed at myself for not enforcing my own boundaries with this person in the interest of harmony. She's pushy as hell, and I went along with it for a long time, until I finally got to my limit. I don't think it would be fair to dump on her with all the things she pissed me off about when I never said anything at the time.

[Spartana]

I'd let the relationship die a quiet death if it were me. Just make myself scarce sand unavailable. I have had old friends who I've grown apart from and don't have much in common with anymore (or we have very different beliefs or ideologies and disagreements ensue) and we have just naturally fallen away with little fuss and almost no discussion. However, if they asked, I'd probably be truthful (in a non judgmental way) and just say that we don't have much in common anymore.

ETA: Herbgeek - I think you're right not to burden her with the "past" feelings you have held and didn't do anything about at that time. She can't correct those if she didn't know, and since she wasn't told things she did/said bugged you, then there really is no point bringing them up now. It would probably hurt, anger or embarrass them and who wants that. Especially when they have felt you may have actually enjoyed them. Would be pretty hard to find out after all this time that you really haven't enjoyed them for a long time. So I wouldn't bring up past stuff and would just let bygones be bygones.

[razz]

I like the comment, "Sorry, very busy right now" to approach the situation and let it die.